BOSTON – The Balderdash Foundation has released its latest findings: the popularity of skinny jeans was the most influential factor in the 2008 global financial meltdown, oftentimes labeled the Great Recession.
Between 2005 and 2007, skinny jean lobbyists began a highly organized campaign on Capitol Hill, Wall Street, and within national media. The prevalence and popularity of the allegedly fashionable clothing soared in investor-class groups, causing what the Balderdash Foundation’s medical and economic experts have dubbed the airhead effect: a series of studies, searches, and surveys proved the long-suspected theory that skinny jeans cause constipation, dizziness, and a loss of discernment.
“The best way to explain the airhead effect is that when a person squeezes into a pair of drainpipe pants, it’s like squishing the bottom half of a water balloon. The other half expands and nears the bursting point.” said Professor Fole de Rolei, a South Korean economist and the head of the Health Care Market Study Committee within the Foundation.
Professor Rolei and two of his colleagues.
Skinny jean-wearers were 57% more likely to suffer from headaches, nausea, low IQ, brain fog, constipation, intestinal torsion, and runny noses.
Medical researchers collaborated with the Balderdash Foundation. Their findings were astonishing.
“The popularity of skinny jeans among bureaucrats, lawyers, investors, mortgage-buyers, and the general population shows a striking trend. Skinny jeans have a similar effect to alcohol in that one never knows what is going on while one is drinking or when one wears skinny jeans. But one will want to do it again, if one does it for the first time.” an anonymous researcher explained, “Thankfully, most damage is reversible. But the damage done by the 2008 recession is done. We do know how we can prevent further depressions or recessions.”
The researcher went on to say that because of the socially acceptable status of the jeans, they could be worn in almost any situation — impeding judgment. Staffers, interns, and teenagers around the world began wearing skinny jeans long before 2005, but when drainpipe jeans’ popularity increased to 46% in 2007, economists began noticing indicators of an imminent stock market collapse.
There are some peculiarities to the Foundation’s findings: the airhead effect was deemed strongest in males wearing bright red skinny jeans. The Balderdash Foundation explained in a report:
“Males clearly suffered the most from the airhead effect when wearing bright red drainpipe jeans; however, a ‘chicken-and-the-egg’ question arises: are the mentally unstable more prone to wearing vibrantly colored jeans, or do wearers of the jeans slowly eventually become mentally unstable, perpetuating the condition? Regardless, a clear correlation exists…”
In 2005, a heated debate in the House revealed a concern amongst many Congressmen that tight jeans may contribute to economic problems and an overall social decline. At the time, the fashion skeptics were called “fools.” The Balderdash Foundation insists that they were visionaries.
Magazines such as National Geographic have touched on the topic before, but at the time the airhead effect was considered pure speculation. Because of the financial industry’s affinity for drainpipe jeans, the questionable fashion-wear and the resulting airhead effect is most likely to blame for the “Great Recession.”
“Now nobody can ignore the hard evidence. Now that we know what’s going on, we should treat skinny jeans like we do drugs, tobacco, or alcohol: don’t drive in them, don’t use them until you’re over 21, and definitely don’t wear them if you’re having stomach problems,” Professor Rolei continued.
In 2009 Congress nearly passed a regulatory bill restricting the drainpipe jean industry. Doctors, clinics, and baggy jean corporations around the world encouraged the Senate to pass the final version of the legislation, but Senators were wary of the bill after prominent Hollywood lawyers and actors vowed to bring the law to the Supreme Court. However, Democrat representatives are now considering sneaking in a disincentive “sin” tax on skinny jeans, likely to be higher than 40%.
Meanwhile, Professor Rolei has been nominated for a Nobel Prize in medicine and economics.