I Lost My Coat!

Poor Joseph had a problem. He was always losing his coat. This might seem silly to you, but it was very important to him.

You see, Joseph was the second-youngest of a big family that was rather wealthy. Joseph had a very special coat. The coat was very expensive, and materials from craftsmen of far away probably had to be imported at high costs. This might seem like worthless information, except none of his brothers, older or younger, had one like it. Not that they could afford it. Wealthy as they might be, they were a nomadic family who had large expenses. Frivolous spending was not the best thing.

Needless to say, the brothers were a bit miffed. Reuben, the oldest, had done something really brainless and had been demoted. So had little brothers Simeon & Levi (Matthew) so really the right of the firstborn was supposed to go to Judah, the next in line. Coats like Joseph’s were supposed  to go to the firstborn, or at least the guy with the birthright.

Family matters were a little funny back then. The estate of the father were divided equally between all the heirs, except the firstborn got two shares. So basically, Judah wasn’t too happy to see that his 2/13ths of the inheritance might go to little brother. (he should have though about what big brothers Reuben, Simeon, and Levi thought about losing it to him)

Through that and other issues with Joseph, Judah eventually got most of the brothers on his side, except the oldest, Reuben. See, he was a schemer, which is how he got kicked out in the first place. Reuben saw the others’ murderous intent and decided to cash in on it. Eventually, he convinced Judah and the gang to throw Joseph into a pit.

So they did, but first they took his coat. Poor Joseph had already lost his coat once, but at the time didn’t think much of it. Reuben ran off to put his scheme into action, and the others sort of walked around until some traders came by, and well…

You know this story I’m sure. Joseph got sent to Egypt and for a while did very good. His master liked him, his work was blessed with the blessing of the patriarchs and he was promoted and promoted. He probably got a new coat around that time from his master to mark his position as chief executive.

He got in a tricky situation, and someone, a woman, attacked him, I mean jumped on him. Since he was an honorable man, he would not fight her, but ran. It must have been a struggle, and she must have had a pretty good grip, because in his hurry to get out of that situation (which was the best thing he could have done) she was left holding his coat.

In Joseph’s life, his coat was always used as evidence. The first time it was to prove that he was dead. The second, it was to prove that he was guilty.

We too have a coat. All our guilt and sin has been placed on us by ourselves, and we can never on our own erase it. On judgment day that coat will be used as evidence against us to prove we are guilty and deserve hellfire. But Christ, our savior, took our filthy rags and covered them with his coat of pure white.

But God doesn’t force us into heaven. To accept him has to be a choice. What do you choose?

FDA Bans Tinsel

The FDA ban is intended to protect children and kittens in particular.

The FDA ban is intended to protect children and kittens in particular.

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration today announced its intentions to ban tinsel. Tinsel, a shiny and sparkly ribbon-like plastic strung on Christmas trees, will soon be illegal.

 

“Think about it: this stuff comes in packages about the size of a small box of spaghetti, it is stringy, and it crunches. Seriously. It is way too much like pasta and I consider it a public health hazard,” White House spokesperson Jay Carney said in a Saturday press briefing, “And I once mistook it for spaghetti myself. Even really smart people think that it’s spaghetti when they’re hungry. Therefore it should be banned.”

 

Tinsel has become increasingly popular in recent years as it has become more affordable. Children and dachshunds are most at risk from the dangers of tinsel. In the past fifty years, there have been two reported deaths, a parrot and a Chihuahua, that resulted directly from tinsel consumption.

 

“It simply isn’t safe to eat. We should not be producing hazardous products like this and nobody should feel scared that a product they own could be misused. If tinsel isn’t foolproof, tinsel shouldn’t exist.” FDA secretary Margaret Hamburg added.

 

A Constitutional Amendment is expected to prevent the sale, production, consumption, or transportation of tinsel in the United States, but analysts predict that there will be a black market for tinsel.

 

“For instance, overseas vacations will mostly serve the purpose of stocking up on this seasonal decoration. People will be going to Europe, Asia, and Australia to buy it. It’s totally predictable, and I don’t understand why they think that they’ll stop it.” One Sceritage Scroungation reporter acknowledged anonymously “These bootleggers will take tinsel back. It’s inevitable.”

 

Protests sporting over seventeen tons of the tinsel have overtaken Washington in Christmas fury.

 

“Hey, the dome looks better now than it ever has before.” One protestor noted.

 

Tinsel bans have been attempted in several countries, ancient and modern. Rome attempted a tinsel ban, but their empire collapsed before the phase-out could be completed.

 

Dachshunds Are Solar-Powered, Scientists Find

Dachshunds like this one literally can't help themselves when it comes to taking naps in the sun.

Dachshunds like this one literally can’t help themselves when it comes to taking naps in the sun.

CALIFORNIA – A team of California scientists has made a discovery that proves a long-suspected theory of dachshund owners throughout the United States.

 

Research on the subject is ongoing, but the group “has enough evidence to make a reasonable conclusion.”

 

Led by Professor Looven Docksies, the University of California team has discovered an all-natural, non-plant example of solar energy: dachshunds.

 

“Dachshunds by nature love to sit in a sunny spot by a window or bask in the sun outdoors. It’s been an unexplained phenomenon for so many years why dachshunds in particular are so crazy about sitting in windowsills and in sunny grass. Now it’s been explained,” Professor Docksies said.

 

The team has made its best effort to prove that “it isn’t true,” but “we just can’t. It’s real,” said one assistant researcher attending the University part-time.

 

Sitting in the sun, although far from unique to dachshunds, is apparently necessary to the long-term survival of this long and low breed of the canine species.

 

“It isn’t photosynthesis, but we’ve observed characteristics of this trait that resemble it very much,” Professor Docksies continued, “I wanted to complete this research because I had a hunch it would be affirmative.”

 

Although dachshunds can survive a month or more of cloudy weather, the pups need sunshine – especially during the cold months – for energy and warmth.

 

“You know, it really didn’t surprise me,” Professor Docksies said, “It shouldn’t surprise anybody.”

 

Meanwhile, news broadcasts throughout the nation are hailing the pending discovery as a boon (or chewboon?) to mankind with possible implications of a breakthrough in dog training.

 

 

The Curse of Pudewa

The thesaurus is a habit-forming book.

The thesaurus is a habit-forming book.

Every home-educated individual can commiserate with my affliction. As an inchoative litterateur, I eagerly commenced with the studious business of disquisitions and causeries, prolegomenons and Promethean commentary. Delving into the macrocosm of “-ly” words and the imperative nature of numerous adjectives and varied sentence structures, carefully I absorbed what a digital writing teacher assured me was the ticket to literary acclaim amongst even the most erudite professors and authors.

 

It was not to be. Like an unshakeable addiction or an insolvably resolute ritual, my unacceptably wordy habits fiercely and unforgivably cling to my brain. It is an infamous curse, with millions of mutations and millions of carriers.

 

My ailment is specific. To many self-help writers suffering from Logorrheic Grandiloquence, it is informally known as the Caliginous and Stygian Plague. To the unfortunate family stuck with Logorrheic Grandiloquence carriers, it is simply known as the “Grammar Nazi Syndrome.” (Other mutations include the Oratory Flatulence Contagion and the Multisyllabic Incoherence Disorder.) To me, this disorder is known as the Curse of Pudewa.

 

Andrew Pudewa never meant to teach students what I learned from him, I take it. My interpretation and strict adherence to a banned word list and a minimum requirement of modifiers propped up my writing, perhaps wowing my peers and teacher friends in second or third grade, but it eventually formulated a habit that was the worst for the career that I aspire to in journalism and commentary.

 

He barred me from using the word said. Whenever I write an article, I type at forty words per minute — my brain moves faster. When I edit an article, I read at sixty words per minute — my brain moves faster.

 

Whenever I face the obstacle of a quotation, everything comes to a stop. Said? I can’t say said. Said is banned. My subconscious demands that I choose anything but that four-letter word that Pudewa told me to hate. Explained, noted, stated, exclaimed, shrieked, added, implored, questioned, snarled, cried, snored, snapped. Is there anything else you can do? I conduct a crazed mental search. I employ a couple online thesauruses and at least a stack of printed tomes, but nothing aids my addiction to words. Yet consciously I acknowledge sure, said is fine. I need to use said.

 

I fight this Curse constantly. I have managed to tone it down some, but you understand. You’ve read my writing. Words that previously only I knew and regularly used (“kerfuffle”, “flapdoodle”, “sesquipedalian”, and “honorificibilitudinitatibus”, for example) have seeped into the household vocabulary. Writing a hard news article is like writing in a foreign language for me.

 

I recommend that you cease from resting your eyes upon the cursed vocabulary that you will see here. It is possible, contrary to the popular consensus, to become infected through a screen or page. Beware the Curse of Pudewa. You will never be rid of it.

 

Race to the Slop

Obama Discusses US Counterterrorism Policy At National Defense University

 

WASHINGTON – A White House press conference this afternoon formally announced the President’s plans for a much-ballyhooed nutritional assistance program, set to operate directly from public schools throughout the nation.

 

The behind-the-scenes beginning of the widely popular program is mostly unknown.

 

But First Lady Michelle Obama’s No, You Can’t Foundation, a new organization and lobbying group that promotes healthy eating and abstaining from all foods other than ice chips made from filtered lemon water, is suspected to have had considerable influence over the nascent program’s commencement.

 

On Tuesday headlines broke the news that the President decided to go ahead with his governmental nutrition program because of a persuasive NSA briefing. The top-secret government meeting presented information indicating the First Lady’s initiative was given much positive attention in emails, text messages, phone calls, and other forms of electronic communication. Top presidential advisors then decided that it would be “good politics” (in the words of David Axelrod) to care for all the nation’s hungry schoolchildren.

 

“It’s disgusting. It’s terrible to think that our nation could stoop this low and be duped so easily – so much like pigs going to a slaughterhouse.” stated Hodgkins McCoy, a concerned voter.

 

The policy analyst, whom Fox News reporters remarkably found in a man-on-the-street interview, had unwittingly pulled a simile that bears pun-like qualities when considered in light of the program’s out-of-the-box title: Race to the Slop. It is gaining popularity because of the clever spin-off on the 2009 education program.

 

“Our nation’s schoolchildren are being taught to eat such unhealthy food. um, All because they can’t afford anything more nutritious.” the President said yesterday, “uh, uh, I firmly believe, that um, in this nation of opportunity, um, we should be doing better for our kids.”

 

He went on to say that even the food that farm animals eat is healthier than some of the things that cafeterias were feeding children.

 

“Stuff with too much meat, stuff with too much salt – it is all, like, um, um, wait … compromising America’s future for mere, um, um, present enjoyment. My, uh, plan offers federal assistance to schools, uh, throughout the nation, uh, that are, uh, uh, ummm…” the President said in an inspirational quote now circulating worldwide amongst left-leaning health-food advocates. A Teleprompter malfunction had ended his speech.

 

The gist of the President’s plan is to provide affordable, healthy foods to schools throughout the nation. Products such as corn flakes, cattle feed, beets, carrots, potatoes, and oatmeal are the main staples of new cafeteria menus nationwide. The Department of Agriculture’s multi-million dollar cookbook project will help baffled school cooks with the instruction manual “Stews and Slops for Animals of All Kinds: help from the experts at DOA.”

 

 

A school employee from Colorado said, “To tell you the truth, they probably won’t guess that there’s been a change in the first place. The recipes look a lot like what we’ve been using for years, except that we wash our food and most of the time we cook it somehow.”

 

Race to the Slop is now a federal law that will take effect on July 30th of 2013. The law only specifies that government-run schools are subject to the rules and regulations. The nation’s schoolchildren are predicted to be preoccupied with video games for the entirety of 2014 summer vacation. Experts predict that they will not discover the change until well into the next school year.

 

In a CNN interview yesterday, the President’s closing remarks were: “I can’t believe it’s not butter is now the law of the land.”

 

 

 

 

Family

Family.

Family.

I have a large family. Years ago, a man and woman back in North Carolina had three sons, and from that small family a whole crowd of people came. From those three sons the couple was blessed with 17 grandchildren.

I was one of them. I was born in the mountains of Carolina, with the rest of the family just hours away down in New Bern. But God had other plans and moved us a three days journey driving from our family on my father’s side. My mother’s side was even farther, Oregon and Washington and even England!

Every year, we would try to visit our family back in New Bern so we wouldn’t forget. I was blessed to be given twin cousins just a year or so younger than me, and one a few older. The four of us spun adventures and dreams the few days we had a year. We were all different, but somehow, we all were connected by an unbreakable bond of love and friendship.

Years pass quickly. A cousin we all laughed over as a baby is becoming a boy now. Rebellion seeped into our close shelter and permeated some of us. Bonds were broken. Choices were made. Some of us grew distant. Some got sick. The small circle of girls who I would teach secrets, songs, and crafts, even though one of them was older than I, lost a member.

In all this time we were the trend-setters, the celebrities. Sleepovers and parties and dinners were shared in the three houses: those of my two uncles, my father’s brothers and their families, and that of my grandparents.

That one is the most precious to me. As a reader their library enthralled me, as a child their ‘wealth’ attracted me, as a historian their history intrigued me. I saw pictures of my father, my granny, my uncles, sometimes laughing, sometimes serious. I spent the most time there. Meals were shared, memories made. Though they were much older than I was, they still seemed more like friends than grown-ups.

So now we come to the present, or rather last year. I spent Thanksgiving there, staying often at my cousins, or the Hair Bears, as we call them. I’m not going into the name’s history. Our other cousins, two girls, we call their family the Chris Hairs. (By the way, we are the Texas Hairs) On these short trips we would often visit landmarks and battle sights. There are a lot to see, with lots of civil war battles fought in the Carolinas.

One time, my Aunt Donna was talking to my brother on the phone. I was eating breakfast with the rest of the Hair Bears, but my aunt couldn’t understand him.

“Here,” she said, giving me the phone. “I don’t speak Texan.”

I took the phone and translated Adam’s question. “He wants to know when we are leaving.”

“Oh.” She answered. “It depends on how fast we can get out, if we have to make stops, those kind of things.”

“Okay,” I translated. “She says she doesn’t know.”

Silly things like that make family all the more closer. Things people say or do that become immortal in your memory, common things shared by everyone, especially the kids. We have struggled through rebellion, illness, heartache, loss, and so much more. But God has triumphed, and we still stand strong.

To me, Thanksgiving is another way to be thankful for all that we have and has been saved. Though we might mourn, we still can love each other. My family has been very strong on this: I only wish I had appreciated it last Thanksgiving, instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do.

We’re all learning. Happy Thanksgiving!

New Research: “shoes move humans, not the opposite”

CAMBRIDGE – Harvard scientists led by Professor Carl Barwin made a significant scientific discovery this afternoon, denoting research that they say will make a splash not unlike the invention of the wheel.

 

Barwin and his University team have been conducting research on the topic for over a year, thanks to federal funding for the initiative, entitled the Metaphysical Mapping Project.

 

The Metaphysical Mapping Project seeks to find scientific evidence for long-suspected theories that popular political figures and others have held to for decades, including the human-to-footwear relationship and the assumption that electricity is not real.

 

Barwin explains, “The MMP is working to find reasonable, understandable explanations for those things in life that are too good to be true, just can’t be real. We are here to challenge commonly held beliefs that stagnate the scientific field and stifle progress.”

 

He continued, “After nearly a year of research, we have formulated several theories of our own, analyzed trends, and have come to a number of conclusions. We realize now that there really must be fairies and magic and gnomes. Evolution can’t explain everything …”

 

The most earth-shaking claim that Barwin derives from his research is that an informal international consensus (excepting Venezuelan and Iranian scientists) which asserts that humans move shoes and not the other way around, is entirely wrong.

 

“No, never,” Barwin said, “Whenever you put on a shoe, many different things happen instantly. The shoe establishes a connection with your brain. Your foot loses control, and your brain is inexplicably connected with the shoe. That explains walking with shoes. That’s why most of us like to wear shoes, because it’s easier.”

 

Scientific authorities have given their two cents on the issue.

 

“It’s brilliant.” Dr. Flip Doodle said, “Nobody has ever thought about something like this. It is too easy to be true, just like the idea that the earth is flat. When a shoe is put on, the shoe is the force that controls your foot. Your brain controls the shoe. I don’t understand why none of us has ever thought of this before.”

 

Bad dancers are mere victims of circumstance, Barwin's research suggest.

Bad dancers are mere victims of circumstance, Barwin’s research suggest.

Researchers are already acting upon the new find.

 

“If we can figure out how to improve this brain-to-shoe connection, everybody on earth can be good dancers,” one prominent scientists anonymously explained, “When one is barefoot, the brain has control of the feet directly, through the body. When one is wearing shoes, the brain has control of the shoes, and the connection comes through the air.”

 

He added, “The humidity, visibility, time of day, and time of year all have something to do with how well the brain controls the shoe. We are finally going to make dancers out of people like me. Extraordinary dancers will be a thing of the past, everyone’ll be good. I am all for this research, by the way.”

 

Federal officials from the Department of Education are latching on to the idea, claiming that it is a “revolutionary but true idea that will change our world.” The discovery could appear in textbooks as early as 2015, and in some areas, in 2014.

 

Barwin’s team will continue its research throughout 2018. Their next goal is to debunk the idea that humans breathe air.

Life With a Windows 8 Operating System

Most people take for granted the lives they live as human beings, never stopping to consider what their plight might be if it had so happened that instead of the flesh-and-blood sort of man, God had made humankind like computers with Windows 8 operating systems. The life this sort of man might lead would be incomprehensible, to say the least.

 

If you were like a computer, for instance, you could never read a book without carefully saving the information to your brain every five minutes. Losing a file would be pretty bad, considering that the book would have to be read again. Cooking may even be a trickier feat.

 

Every day of your entire life, you would live in fear that the power might go out – in which case, your brain would be wiped out. Assassins wouldn’t shoot you, they would just pull the plug. If you wanted to go hiking, make sure that you bring plenty of batteries and that you stay close to a cell phone tower.

 

Instead of reading a book about herbs when you want self-help for a virus, you would read a book about programming and coding. (Being careful to save your progress every five minutes, of course.)

 

When you might think too hard, are stressed, or are faced with a dilemma, your functions may freeze up. With all the energy that you have left, you will put your head, twist your ear, and lift your right leg: it’s your “restart” button.

 

History lessons might be more fun – you could just download the memories and experiences of other people. Not to mention that if somebody else has a function, like inspiring oratory or musical talent, all you would have to do is buy the same program or learn their coding secrets.

 

You wouldn’t sleep, but you would have habits that closely resemble narcolepsy when you are ill. Throughout the day you would crash to the floor in bewilderment, your eyes glazed over in bright blue with error signals flashing through your eyes. A whimsical “frowny face”  will appear on your visage. This is how most men would die.

 

Of course, instead of conquerors or dictators like Alexander the Great, Napoleon, or Hitler, the greatest programmers and computer gurus would be the ones to take over. Not through violence, but through the all-powerful keyboard.

 

The all-powerful keyboard ...

The all-powerful keyboard …

This is ridiculous something to think about on Thursday’s upcoming holiday, but be thankful that Bill Gates is not our creator.

A Tale of two girls

The Story you are about to read is true. Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.

Once there was a little girl who always felt like she didn’t belong. This girl was gifted with a good voice, but was afraid to use it.

To this girl, music was inside of her. She grew up listening to her mother play the piano and her father sing. She loved music with all that she had, and it became lodged in her heart.

To her, singing was a ceremony, A sacred practice that she only shared with her God. She sang with her eyes closed, maybe to block out the dozens of people who came to see the group perform.( At first I think it was a pride  thing, to show others that she knew the song well enough to not look at the conductor, a practice I do not recommend.)

But eventually her pride dissolved and singing became something holy. When she did open her eyes, it was to look at the beautiful stained glass window that depicted the apostles’ creed. After the concert was over, she might sit in the pews and sing to herself “I believe in God the father, All-mighty maker of heaven, and maker of earth…” and the church seemed to sing back.

It was the song of angels, she thought, and treasured those times alone, in the church, with light pouring through the windows and song mounting to the vaulted ceiling.

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. But now that I am a man, I have put away childish things.”

Well, all people must grow up. This girl, I’ll call her Sara, became what many would call a teenager. She didn’t sing much after that because the group was disbanded, but when a theatre opportunity came up she jumped for it.

The theatre director was kind and assigned Sara a song that fit her very well, and asked her to sing for him, again and again. He liked her voice and asked her to sing it in front of the class.

Well, this was a challenge, but she did it, with her eyes closed tight. The song, which ran at one place “I need a place, where I can hide, where no one sees my life inside” seemed to be a perfect fit for this shy, concealed girl.

“Open your eyes. Let us in.”

She opened her eyes. She saw the faces of a few boys and girls, some she knew, most were strangers. But when she sang, she didn’t see them. And the director said he felt like he was in the garden.

On the stage, she sang it. The lights blinded her, but she didn’t care. She didn’t see spotlights and vague faces. She saw a garden, but beyond that, light pouring through stained glass, ‘I believe in God the father…”

Well, this girl had a friend, I’ll call her Saidee. She and Sara were on-again off-again friends, whose interests changed in sync. When Sara liked drawing, so did Saidee. When Saidee learned to knit, Sara wasn’t far behind. Saidee was very different from Sara, she had golden hair instead of Sara’s brown, she was more into what was happening around her and she wanted to make a difference in the world, where Sara was content to leave it.

Sara and Saidee were a great team: Saidee led the charge with a good idea and Sara would back it up.

Saidee loved music too, but her specialty was instruments. Her accomplishments were great, and they often intimidated Sara, who had given up on instruments and other things like that. But they often worked together, writing, mostly, planning, even launching a website. Sara followed Saidee’s lead.

Well, Saidee had one of her concerts, and since Sara had never seen her play, she went. She happened to run late and only heard the last song. Sara thought it was almost as wonderful as the time she had strayed into a cathedral and hear an organist practice, under the window. Sara enjoyed herself very much, but then she looked up.

Saidee had made a mistake. Sara didn’t see what it was, but instantly a shadow crossed over the girl’s face. Sara remembered the first time she had sung alone on a stage. She had sung the wrong line and stopped the song right there. Another time she had to recite and messed up, and run away. Thankfully, Saidee finished the song, but there was a sense of defeat.

Sara didn’t want Saidee to make the same mistake. To be human is to be beautifully flawed. They are still friends, good friends, and yet the girl who sang was afraid to tell her friend what she knew to be a mistake. I hope she gets the courage to tell her someday.

Sara and Saidee are not the only ones who mess up. You, I, everyone does. We need to have the courage to get back up when we mess up and life throws us down. Don’t make the same mistake Sara did, use your talent, don’t be ashamed of it! God gave us all gifts. Sara’s was her voice. Saidee’s was her talent on her instrument. What’s yours?

The National Bible Bee

The National Bible Bee is an event that starts in the summer, with families who signed up in the spring receive their boxes of materials the first couple days in June. The box contains an official Bible Bee t-shirt, a list of verses, and an age-coded study for each contestant. Also, if you so choose, you also receive a bible in your translation, or you can donate them. Parents receive a parent guide as well.

Kids from 7-18 can compete in three different age categories, Primary (7-10), Junior (11-14), and Senior (15-18). The contest comes in two stages, the first being locals. In order to compete in a local bee you have  to find a host in your area. Sometimes people have to travel for hours to make the meeting, but it’s worth it. A host site, usually a church or a school, is also needed.

Children are given a book to study and 24 verses to learn, two per week in the 12-week study period. These numbers are always changing, but the foundation in charge, Shelby Kennedy, named for a young woman whose last wish was to memorize scripture, is always trying to make the study easier, more precise, and more competitive.

At the local bee, children must fill out a written test about the book and some verse knowledge, and then do an oral recitation round, where contestants recite the verses the judges ask as word-perfect as possible, to receive the most points. The host feeds the scores to the national headquarters.

Out of the combined score of the written test; which is multiple choice, the contestant’s final score is determined. At the headquarters, a computer or something picks the top 100 scores of each age division and reports to the host and the family. This process usually takes a few days. This year, 120 were picked, but more than ten never come.

Then the contestants are given a much bigger task, at least 100 more verses. They also have to make their own study guide of another book. This study period is also shorter—little more than 11 weeks to learn a lot more material. Then the contestant must travel to the nationals location, next years is Orlando FL. (By the way, this is information known only by Nationals contestants) The trip can be long.

This year’s was in Tennessee. One girl I interviewed, Emily, drove from California. She said that she had done the contest since year one, and that the test was easier than the locals. I personally disagree with that, but she had been there before so I’ll take her word for it.

Several people I talked to had worked with HSLDA to campaign for Cuccinelli  in Virginia, among them I found a girl who was a lot like Rachel. People from Alaska, Michigan, California, Texas, Oregon, and other states were all there…a vast multitude.

Friends are made. You laugh and talk with these people, get to know them. It’s a really amazing experience, and I hope that others will be able to experience it too.

I didn’t make it to the semi-finals and I’m happy about that. The contest gets really intense, with one mistake knocking you out, on 10-20 verse passages. But the whole atmosphere is just so friendly and vibrant, that you sometimes forget the contest, or the two-mile-long hallway to get to your room.

The Bible Bee creates incentive to learn verses, and to watch these 6-8 year olds quoting scripture…it’s just awe-inspiring.

New Senate Rule Silences Minority in the Senate

WASHINGTON – After Senate Democrats recently blocked the ability of the minority party’s to filibuster nominees, President Obama and Senate leaders have created a new system, never before used in the United States, for dealing with congressional dissenters. The change is expected to spark an outcry, but the President explains that “we’ll be ready for the obstructionists who cause a ruckus.”

 

The new system has made politically motivated assassinations, executions, arrests, and torture legal, only as long as U.S. Senators belonging to the majority party order the deed. Those who disagree with Senate leadership and the majority are predicted to be nearly eliminated.

 

Using a legislative tactic called “the nuclear option,” Senate Democrats succeeded in passing the new rule that required a mere simple majority rather than the typical 67 votes.

 

The President, although opposed to the measure in 2005, explained in a White House press briefing that it was necessary to deal with the Republicans’ “unprecedented pattern of obstruction.”

 

Strangely, the Republicans have not spoken out about the new rule, which took effect immediately. Senator Luddie Muther, a Democrat, was the first Senator to incite the furor of high-ranking lawmakers.

Barack Obama

This afternoon the senator was arrested and charged with “annoyance and obstructionism” after claiming that the President’s tie did not match with his suit. Rumors are circulating that he was locked inside a cardboard box with a caterpillar that he was told would sting him.

 

“I’m glad that the Republicans won’t be attempting any type of filibuster or disagreement with us anymore. I mean, who wants to vote against what we say they should vote for when, like, they might just disappear if they don’t?” a spokesperson for the President added.

 

“I’m glad that we’ve made my new hometown a little bit more like my old one. Man, sometimes I sure do miss Chicago,” the President said in a second White House press briefing.

 

98% of interviewed Americans who were given the details of the new anti-obstructionism rule explained that they whole-heartedly supported the law. The 2% that did not agree could not be reached for comment.

Obama Introduces Anti-Discriminatory Christmas Songs

AUSTIN – President Obama made a trip to Austin today to reach out to Texas Democrats as he begins an anti-discrimination campaign in the South. After his Texas tour, the President will blaze a blue trail in the southernmost parts of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and Florida.

 

“I think the South is uh, the fourth nicest direction I can go. It is too hot and the people are nuts, but it’s a nice place to go. And I noticed that it never snows down here,” the President said, “And that’s why I came down here.”

 

The President’s proposal gravitates around a century-long discriminatory phenomenon in popular and sacred Christmas music. He says that he “intends to stop this unjust tradition.”

 

This obviously isn't Houston.

This obviously isn’t Houston.

“Uh, I like Hawaii, and uh, I like Arizona, and uh, New Mexico too, sometimes. And, uh, it never snows there. Songs, uh, like ‘White Christmas’ or ‘Sleigh Ride’ or ‘Jingle Bells’ just aren’t, uh, like, nice to the South and some other states. The South needs Christmas songs too. You snowed-in people: quit picking on the lower level states.”

 

The plan that the President will be touting throughout his tour is a three-plank anti-discrimination law.

 

The President gained the approval of advisors before proceeding with his latest plan for equality and progress.

The President discusses his plans for the Southern outreach.

“First of all, a new federal agency will be established to reach out to Southern voters, I mean citizens, that will carefully regulate discriminatory Christmas song lyrics. I think that popular Christmas songs won’t be banned, just changed. Second, this agency will create new Christmas songs for the South. Lastly, I think the rest of the nation should be forced to listen to Southern Christmas songs.” Senator I. Haite Snow, a Democrat Senator from South Carolina who is supporting the President’s proposal, explained.

 

“I think it’s long past time that we did something like this,” Floridian Representative Sunny Brainshrivel, also a Democrat, said, “They need to suffer for another two hundred years for the pain they’ve made us go through. Let it snow? No, let it shine. The reign of Southern Christmas music is coming.”

 

Conservatives are comparing the measure to positive discrimination, insisting that the musical affirmative action will change the culture of the United States for the worst.

 

“What’s going to happen? Songs about sunny stuff during December and then in July, maybe we can sing about snow? I just don’t like the obvious way that this is headed,” an analyst at the Heritage Foundation said.

 

Despite the many implications and possible results of the legislation, the President continues to win over vast swathes of the South with promises “that are bound to be broken,” as Senator Cole Dee says.

 

“No more jingle bells,” the President concluded, “it is only fair that we should sing about bellowing livestock. You guys in the South aren’t dreaming of a white Christmas just like the ones you used to know. Let’s sing about brown Christmases. Let’s keep a romantic, yet rustic, approach to our Christmas music.”

FDA Declares Dog Food “unfit for human consumption”

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today unleashed a flurry of new regulations that will affect a significant sector of the economy. A Kansas corporation, Fido Enterprises, has so far been the chief opponent of the newly declared laws, which enforce stringent quality requirements on dog food manufacturers. The motives for the regulations are numerous.

 

“The main reason was that dog food manufacturers were not up to par. Almost all dog foods that we examined were not fit for human consumption,” Commissioner Margaret Hamburg said in an interview.

The President of Fido Enterprises quickly issued a rebuttal.

 

“First of all, I think this infringes upon my rights as an American. If I want to sell something that isn’t fit for people to eat, that’s my business,” he said, “But furthermore, not many people care about the quality of dog food. The vast majority just like the way it tastes.”

 

FDA agents are emphatic that the regulations will benefit mankind.

 

“Yea, it’s just sad that our American companies have the nerve to produce something that isn’t even fit for us to eat. Only dogs? I think that may even be discriminatory. It can’t be Constitutional if it’s discriminatory …” Agent Cannie Ine said.

 

“Totally,” another agent, who wished to remain anonymous, agreed, “If it is discriminatory against people, it can’t be Constitutional. Not to mention that cats have much smaller mouths and teeth. They can’t eat it too easy so it is just not fair.”

Popular dog food manufacturers will be forced to up their prices under new restrictions.

Popular dog food manufacturers will be forced to up their prices under new restrictions.

 

Various committees and agents will inspect and rate the manufacturing locations – and resident agents will be assigned to various plants and manufacturers. The price of dog food and canned corned beef hash are expected to take a dramatic leap, but analysts report no other anticipated effects.

 

Several political parties have spoken up about the new regulations. Although Democrats have initiated a key campaign attempting to win over voters through the FDA’s latest decision, Republicans have been largely silent so they can judge the reaction of swing states and minority groups.

 

The regulations will take effect on January 1, 2014 and will affect one in fifteen Americans.

Life in 2113: Accurate Predictions

For hundreds of years, people have made predictions by analyzing data and attempting to trace trends. The rate of innovation, meanwhile, has astounded onlookers and shattered expectations: the founding fathers assumed it would take approximately a thousand years for civilization to reach the Pacific Ocean.

100 years from today, it's hard to predict what will be going on. But it is fairly certain that what you are reading will happen.

100 years from today, it’s hard to predict what will be going on. But it is fairly certain that what you are reading will actually happen.

 

For 2013 historians, guesses dating back to the 1930s or 1860s merely provide a good laugh (check out this 1930s video) If the best predictions are the funniest ones, it matters little how likely the situation may be or even if the situation is possible. The world of 2013 must maintain the tradition of ridiculous propositions for the future. The generations following ours need this article for reference – or at least for laughs.

 

Here are five predictions for the year 2113.

 

  1. The 19th century slapstick comedy series the “The Three Stooges” will be revered and recited just as Shakespeare is today. Entire theaters, built in period 1930s style, will be dedicated to remakes of the show; drama clubs will perform episodes as plays. Schoolchildren will be required to study the complicated and archaic language and vocabulary of the Stooges. Meanwhile, the incredible table manners of the stooges will inspire the 2113 MP – who will consider the three well-mannered and composed.

 

  1. Khan Academy, a free internet-based education resource for students, teachers, and the general public, has formulated an encouraging problems-for-points systems that is creating an online hierarchy based on the amount of points earned and subjects mastered. When the economy collapses, the KhanAcademy elite will rule the world with their points, establishing a plexus that explains the Star Trek world’s desertion of actual money.

 

  1. In 2113, the average earth family will have two or three space shuttles. If the husband and wife have jobs on different planets, probably more than two or three. Depending on how many children (and if they also have jobs) the family may even own a starship variant.

 

  1. Only the 2113 equivalents of 2013 rocket scientists and nuclear physicists will know, or even need to know, pre-algebra. Advanced mathematics will be tended to by iPhones and homeschoolers.

 

  1. Texas will have formed its own Republic, eventually taking over the entire world. By 2015, the Republic will have been established and will be ruled by President Chuck Norris and Vice-President Ted Cruz. By 2023, the Republic will conquer Europe and the remainder of the U.S. In 2025, the Republic of Texas will give China (existing until 2029)  New Jersey, California, and Greece. This will lead to the collapse of the rogue country, and Texas at that time will claim the rest of the world. Yankees that cling to their traditional noncompliance will be exiled to a large labor camp in what was once New Jersey.

Task Farce Searches For Extraterrestrial-Owned Businesses

WASHINGTON – The President has created a new task farce to examine the reasons for a surprising absence of businesses owned by space aliens.

“It is not American to make it so difficult for such brilliant beings to start a business. If they need help, we should offer a helping hand. Not all of us are just from here. It can be hard to move to a different planet and try to start a new business,” the President said.

 

The new task farce will conduct a thorough investigation for possible reasons that there are so few space aliens interested in owning starting a business. Affirmative action is a possibility, the President hinted.

obama

“Well, I think I know why the space aliens don’t want to start a business here,” Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) said, “They are reputed to be higher life forms – otherwise they couldn’t have reached Earth – so if anybody would understand, they understand that it is impossible to start a business in the Obama economy.”

 

The task farce is expected to utilize NASA in its search for alien life. Additionally, the CDC will aid them in detecting unusual citizens that could perhaps be extraterrestrial.

 

“So far we’ve already found a few, we think,” the President declared, “And if there’s a struggling business out there that could be contracted, instead of some well-off multi-state corporation, we should make it our priority to support that alien-owned business instead of some human business.”

 

Within the next six weeks, the task farce is expected to release a five-hundred page report on the implications of the lack of extraterrestrial-owned businesses. A Mars vehicle is expected to revisit the Red Planet, perhaps to bring back some bacteria that could compete with earth bacteria.

 

“We have utterly failed in reaching out to this minority. America, step up with me and let’s support space alien-owned businesses if we can just find them,” the President concluded in his Monday address.

Democrats Release New Spending Plan

ten dollar billWASHINGTON – Democrat Congressmen and Senators today announced their plans to curb spending, revive the economy, and pay back the national debt. Analysts attest to the fact that their plan is simple and will bring sure-fire results.

 

“The national debt is ‘somewhere north of 17 trillion dollars’ as our Republican colleagues are always saying,” Senator Deffi Sitte said in a prepared statement, “We have a modest proposal that will take care of this minor problem. Our party knows to act early, before things get too bad.”

 

Although the plan has received an unprecedented amount of media coverage – on television, radio, the internet, and in other forms of media – its advocates feel that the revolutionary nature of the strategy is worth the effort of “reaching out to Americans.”

 

The President and several Democrat senators made a much-publicized visit to a Maryland school, touting their new policy towards spending.

 

“How many out there are aware how much zero is worth? Well, it isn’t worth anything. That’s why our plan will work so well. Right now our national debt has been driven up by the spending-crazy Republicans. Each one of you has thousands of dollars to pay, but we aim to stop that,” the President said, “All we have to do is keep spending. We must time it carefully; if we stop spending at precisely $18,000,000,000,000, all we have to do is pay back $18. No need to pay back zeroes.”

 

Several children in second and third grades were suspended for arguing with the President. One math teacher, previously a staunch Democrat, became a libertarian.

 

The President added at the end of his speech, “If you help me with this, I will pay the $18 myself. No sweat, I know I can do it.”

Chaos

Leftists are always sure to exploit every disaster.

Leftists are always sure to exploit every disaster.

The rollout of the new Healthcare Website and requirements has caused plenty of chaos. People are losing their insurance and forced to pay for plans that are beyond their reach. Terrible uncertainty has swallowed the people and many are turning to other things to give them support and safety.

This is very scary.

Socialist countries are always birthed out of chaos. The party causes trouble or takes advantage of turmoil caused by the country’s politicians. They pose as a safe place to stay, as people who can take control of the situation and save the day. And the people vote them into power.

Soon the people realize their mistake but it’s too late. We need to be careful and put our trust in God. Are we being overtaken by communists? I don’t thinks so, at least, I hope not. But we are called to be as “innocent as doves and wise as serpents” and  that means to know the times. We should not be caught off guard in this chaos. We must take hold of God and destroy it, or else we will be destroyed.

A Playing Field or a Ladder?

Infamous for disguising big government in cleverly packaged benefits or laws, for over a century the Democrat Party has presented itself as the working man’s party – dedicated, professedly, to the little guy and opposed to anything that would stop him. Yet millions of Democrats, thousands of party leaders, and hundreds of nationally renowned politicians continually disprove this alleged attribute through promises, like President Obama’s, to “level the playing field.”

 

This well-known vow is a carefully vetted euphemism for something far more sinister than America realizes. First of all, the field analogy does not fit the model of an actual economy. The allocation of resources is not a fight to the death involving points or touchdowns. It is not a class struggle. It is not like a game with two teams engaging in a winner-takes-all affair. If it were so, there would be no middle class. There would be no room for technological progress or innovation.

 

The analogy breaks down at many points. If the economy were an uneven playing field, redistribution would be the only option to even out the field. (By the way, in what sport does an uneven playing field mean that a certain team has an advantage? Both do.) Yet this results in the likes of eternal construction work. Cumbersome equipment and an excess of workers get in the way, as the workers lower high spots and elevate low spots in a futile exercise that reverses the original state of things through a sloppy job. Not to mention that the construction work makes playing impossible.

 

Instead of a playing field, the world economy is more like a ladder. The entire world has been climbing it, some countries more eagerly than others. America has for a long time prided itself in being at the top. Instead of only one team “winning the game,” everybody has the potential of success in a free market. For instance, the lower class has luxuries that millionaires did not have just sixty years ago: cell phones, laptops, CD players, and iPods. The lower class is not losing. It is improving.

 

The free market’s ladder system allows participants to climb as high as they want or simply stay where they are; and the “robber barons” who have made it higher than the rest do not push others down. They are job creators. Instead of class divisions that extend for generations – as in the leftists’ system – those who are willing always win, rising above their predecessors.

No matter whether it's a ladder, stairs, or a tree, the economy is more like a group climbing upwards than two factions fighting for the same prize.

No matter whether it’s a ladder, stairs, or a tree, the economy is more like a group climbing upwards than two factions fighting for the same prize.

 

There will always be a little guy, and there will always be a big guy. Economic activity turns little guys into big guys, and then the big guys into bigger guys. “Leveling the playing field” is like sawing off the top half of the ladder: those climbing to the top return from whence they came, those at the top tumble down to poverty, and those at the bottom are left without a chance to even begin climbing. The poor suffer more from socialism and redistribution than anyone. If a rising tide lifts all boats, socialism accomplishes the opposite. Instead of increasing poverty-stricken individuals’ chances of success, socialism merely punishes the successful and incentivizes the unfortunate life of the poor.

 

 

Congress Amends the Ten Commandments

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Senate recently passed a bill “editing, re-defining, and improving” the Ten Commandments. Although the bill is officially meant to change the Bible, religions other than Christianity will not be required to observe the law.

 

“President Reagan jokingly suggested that we do it, a long time ago,” Senator D. Oofus reminisced, “And ever since then I have thought that it was a great idea. I’m so glad that it has been successful thus far.”

 

The bill was introduced by Senator Oofus and, after extensive amendments, passed with margins of 59-41. If approved by the House of Representatives, the bill will likely become law, in which case it will take affect on January 1, 2014.

 

Some notable differences exist between Sen. Oofus’ bill and the previously accepted Biblical version. The Oofus bill is over seventy-five times longer than the original Commandments, leaving special exemptions for a variety of what orthodox Christians insist upon calling “sins.”

 

The First Commandment and Tenth Commandment have altogether been abolished. Oofus explained that it was “too restrictive.” Obeying either previous law will result in a punishment equivalent to at least copyright infringement, although the Oofus bill is vague in that respect.

 

The Fifth Commandment has been heavily amended.

 

“The gist of it is to do whatever CPS tells you that you should do in a particular situation,” one Senator said, “And likewise with all of the other agencies.”

 

“I think this is a step forward. If it passes, so much of the unconstitutional and discriminatory nature of this stringent Christianity will be gone or altered completely. The First Amendment can really take effect after this bill becomes law.” One Democrat Representative said.

New Penalty Uncovered in Obamacare

WASHINGTON – A new investigation has revealed that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, penalizes citizens that use more than half of their brain.

 

The so-called “grey matter penalty” will affect only ten million Americans. However, the hefty fines are expected to be extremely burdensome.

 

“I have more than half a mind to go to Washington and protest,” one angry citizen said, “It isn’t fair that this law is labeling us as having an unfair advantage.”

image

The fine will total to around 19% of an insured’s income, which is one of the highest ACA-related rates yet. Many states, including Texas, Mississippi, and Alaska, have registered their complaints with Washington.

 

The President has so far refused to comment on the issue, but White House Press Secretary Jay Carney read an official statement on the newly announced penalty.

 

He said in an offhand remark, “Since everyone will have insurance, we have to insure even the dumbest Americans. Sometimes insurance companies classified these persons as having a defective thinking process, which they considered a pre-existing condition, and even insisted that they were prone to accidents. The smarter are going to have to give a little bit so the dumbest can have some coverage.”

 

“We can think of it as leveling the playing field. Since there is no way to fix stupidity, we’ll just have to compensate them for their natural disadvantage,” he continued.

 

However, Americans are dissatisfied with the policy. Most complaints claim that Congress and the White House created yet another loophole for themselves.

 

“It isn’t fair that they have levied even more taxes on me, just because I think. 92.3751% of them up there don’t think and don’t have to think. Congress should be treated just like everybody else,” Thomas E. Einstein commented.

 

The regulatory dispute is an uphill battle, but several Democrat Congressmen have made an effort to work around the loophole and appeal to voters by learning to use their brains.

 

“I feel strange. If someone asked me, I might accidentally let it slip that I support the Tea Party or something,” Rep. Tammy Duckworth said.

 

The Congressmen’s efforts have so far been counterproductive in that each Congressman successful in closing the loophole for himself as become a conservative Republican.

It’s Difficult to Hold Some Things Self-Evident

All too often, well-meaning conservatives make a dreadful policy error: acknowledging only rights specifically listed in the Constitution. Howler monkeys constantly attack rights explicitly mentioned in our guiding documents – the most rancorous debates always occur over such attacks – but for hundreds of years, advocates of big government have been gnawing away at individual liberty in any form or fashion. The constitution’s deteriorating hold on the United States is what they want and what they are winning, despite the opposition’s efforts. The left is pretty good at torture — they have had the patience to slowly chip away at God-given rights for decades.

image

As C.S. Lewis pointed out, pure evil cannot get much of anything done on earth. Even the vilest of humans have some redeeming characteristics. Adolf Hitler was a marvelous orator. Evildoers including Saddam Hussein or Osama Bin Laden may have been cowardly to some extent, but not enough from preventing the misery and fear that they forced on millions of people. Advocates of big government are likewise not entirely demented. Proud of ineffective debacles and gormless policy, liberals have mastered the art of demagoguery; mistruths and strategic political moves are their specialty. For years, the left has made it their goal to abolish Second Amendment rights and First Amendment rights, for example, but the scope of their efforts extends far beyond what the Founders listed in circumstantial amendments. God-given rights covered by the catch-all Ninth and Tenth Amendments are disappearing altogether.

 

What must be remembered in conservative circles is that the First through Tenth Amendments are not the definition of human rights (although it does come fairly close). In a literal sense, anything can become “Constitutional” if the law is amended. Thus the God-given, inalienable, and inborn status of rights is the only glue that can hold arguments together. The right to eat what one wants, the right to own a cat, and the right to homeschool are examples of covered, but not specifically listed, rights that the government cannot take from the citizenry. Holding those unusual and seemingly unimportant rights as “self-evident” is imperative, otherwise the rights that are essential to life itself will gradually fade away. It may seem extreme to object to a small requirement for homeschooling, but the requirement itself has enormous potential to grow into something beyond extremism.

 

No matter if a right “has its own amendment” or not, it is a protected right. Conservatives should acknowledge it and fight for it. A ban on trans fats, an extra tax on kittens, or arbitrary requirements for homeschoolers do not seem to have much bearing on everyday life. The assumption that the left is clueless is likely the most deadly effrontery. Leftists realize that a buildup of regulations will eventually accomplish the same results as would a complete Constitutional makeover.

 

Rather than crying foul when an obscure right – which most Americans would think that they do not care about – is oppressed by a regulation, conservatives should point to the more easily understandable truth that government has no business, Constitutional or otherwise, micromanaging the lives of individuals. Some of us do still hold that to be self-evident, even when it seems irrelevant.

Hidden in my Heart

If you have read my posts you may have noticed a surplus of Bible verses. I suppose I should tell you why that is: it’s because I am studying up for a contest that is going to take place next Wednesday, the National Bible Bee. No, I’m not setting up my own fan page. I want to write about the importance of the scriptures.

I’ve learned a lot this summer, and not just Greek words and Bible verses. I’ve been given opportunities, experiences, that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

One of the first things I learned was how hard it can be to learn scriptures. I managed to stay on track, but things like homeschool conferences and sicknesses tripped me up. I was always afraid that I would never be able to learn them all. My brother learned them all in the first month, and I was sitting on Grandma’s bed crying because it was three weeks until the competition and I had six more passages to learn. But I was encouraged by my parents, who helped me face my fears that I would never succeed and press on.

The next thing I discovered was that this was not impossible. Thousands of other kids were doing this right along with me and I knew that we all had the exact same stuff. Besides, I knew I wouldn’t come in dead last because from experience I had learned that my study makes up for my bad memory. I would come in about average.

Well, the next thing I discovered was that God has a purpose for everything. I have no idea how I did the contest. I opened my mouth and I spoke so fast I couldn’t even understand myself. Thankfully, I was given judges with very good ears. By the time it was over I felt defeated and silly. I was sure that I had done terrible. My mom asked how it was and I looked up at her and said “I finished 8 minutes early!”

I am not trying to be funny. When I get nervous I talk fast.

Well, I didn’t do as terrible as I had thought, because my scores made me qualify for the national contest in TN. I then learned another thing: Satan hates it when we learn scriptures.

The Bible looks like an object difficult to hide in one's brain. But it is possible. It is also worth the effort.

The Bible looks like an object difficult to hide in one’s brain. But it is possible. It is also worth the effort.

So here I am. I want to tell you, these scriptures are truly “breathed out by God” and every one is beautiful to me. Well, OK, there is one that I don’t like, Eph. 4:14-16. It’s a great verse, but it took me months to learn it. But the thing is, you don’t just pick these up as you go along. Memorization takes will-power and effort. It’s hard work, and our family needs incentive. I’m really embarrassed, but it took me going to nationals to want to study and memorize the scriptures.

I hope memorization comes easier to you. I wish it did to me. But like everything worth having, you have to fight for it. In my case, my fight included battles with laziness, conflicting interests, and a concussion. “But we know that for  those who love God, all things work together for good for those who were called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

Knowing the scriptures is the most worthwhile thing in the world that you could do. It makes your walk with God take on new levels. I can’t tell you what to do. But this summer has blessed me beyond anything I’ve ever known. This search of his scriptures makes me want to sing “Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.” (Hosea 6:3)

IRS Expelled from the National Association for Organized Crime

WASHINGTON – The National Association for Organized Crime (NAOC) today announced that the Internal Revenue Service’s membership has been revoked. NAOC cited excess severity, inhumane tactics, and multiple violations of the “Mafia Code.”

 

“Man, those guys at the IRS are intolerable. They aren’t even nice to us … like, just last week they denied us non-profit status because one of the guys here accidentally voted Republican in 2012,” a NAOC member said.

irs

The President of NAOC, a former President of the Nazi Lowriders, explained, “It was a difficult choice to make, and one that we have pondered for quite some time. The IRS has been one of our longest standing members. It is painful to revoke their membership like this. They have revolutionized organized crime, but suffice to say, their methods have become too brutal for the honorable Mafia hit men to associate themselves with.”

 

The NAOC’s decision to remove the IRS from its ranks was decided by a committee vote and a subsequent democratic vote that included all members.

 

“Those IRS guys taught me everything I know. I hate to see them go,” Theo Uggery, a member of the American Mafia and a longstanding member of the NAOC, nodded. “They taught me about customer service and they have given the best advice of anyone on how to rob a person blind.”

 

However, members with Uggery’s opinion are few and far between. Most organized crime participants despise the IRS for the hefty portion of their income that it takes.

 

The NAOC’s press release said:

 

“The United States Internal Revenue Service has been one of the NAOC’s longest standing members. However, due to multiple violations of the Mafia Code, we can no longer endorse the organization’s tactics … Lastly, if the IRS continues with its intolerably high tax rates, there will be nothing left for us to steal.”

 

“They just turned and around and treated us like we were some hard-working Americans or taxpayers or something like that. We couldn’t stand the pain anymore,” an anonymous member of the Mafia stated.

 

The Internal Revenue Service’s expulsion from the NAOC has raised concerns among the Democrat Party and a number of caucuses, but has so far not concerned members outside of Washington. On a side note, the NAOC is now expected to receive a modified version of the “Taxpayer’s Best Friend Award” from the National Taxpayers Union.

 

The Difference Between Hurricane Katrina and the BP Oil Spill

It is ironic that one of the main ideals of socialism is to enforce a strict standard of fairness and equality when governments are the most widespread and corrupt institutions on the planet.

 

The Deepwater Horizon oil spill, also known as the BP oil spill, began on April 20, 2010. A persistent flow of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico continued for 87 days. Claiming 11 lives, the incident came about because of an explosion that sunk a BP oil rig, the Deepwater Horizon. BP was charged with 11 counts of manslaughter, a felony count of telling a lie to Congress, and two misdemeanors. The federal government will monitor BP until 2016, due to concerns about “safety practices and ethics.” A record-setting amount of $4.525 billion in fines and other payments was agreed to by the Department of Justice. The legal implications of the spill continue: criminal and civil settlements as well as payments to a trust fund have cost BP at least $42.2 billion, as of February 2013. Although the conditions which caused the wellhead blowout – the impetus behind the spill – are not clear, BP has been held accountable throughout its trial by media.

 

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina ripped through the Gulf of Mexico. Over 1,833 people died as the storm slammed into Louisiana, and the effects of the storm were felt in Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, as well as states beyond. Incurring approximately $81 billion in damage, the Category Five hurricane unleashed furious winds and torrential rain, but most significantly flooding throughout New   Orleans. The New   Orleans levee system, meant to prevent catastrophic flooding, failed miserably; 80% of the city and many neighboring areas flooded, with water remaining for many weeks in some places. The

U.S. Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) was responsible for the design and failure of the levees, and state and local governments were accountable for the lack of maintenance.

 

Although the deaths resulting from the levee debacle reached a much higher total than BP’s eleven casualties, the media turned on the federal government for allegedly failing to provide enough aid. Government at all levels had failed, and the resultant “investigations” and lawsuits did nothing but sink even more taxpayer dollars into a nearly futile effort: alleviating government corruption and bureaucratic waste.

Hurricane Katrina was an unavoidable natural disaster, but the response to the catastrophe left much to be desired.

Hurricane Katrina was an unavoidable natural disaster, but the response to the catastrophe left much to be desired.

 

The federal government is quick to point out the speck in the private sector’s eye (as are socialist economists, lobbyists, and lawyers that would benefit from a surrender) yet the government has a beam in its own eye. The proverbial fox guarding a chicken coop can in no way be better illustrated than the bloated and inefficient federal government correcting BP for its misdeed. While the FDA is banning foods and demanding that the nation “eat healthier,” the U.S. Postal Service racks up dinners costing hundreds per head. While bureaucracies snarl that “the playing field is not level” and that “greedy corporations” charge too much for their products (meaning that the government gives competitors subsidies or sets up price controls), the government throws money to the wind. For instance, $998,798 taxpayer dollars were spent shipping two 19-cent washers from South Carolina to Texas and another $293,451 spent sending an 89-cent washer from South Carolina to Florida. It is clear that leveling the playing field is code for redistribution that takes money from hard workers and successful innovators and gives it to deadbeats on the dole and winning elections by promising benefits to voters. It is inevitable that comfortable arrangements for politicians and high-up bureaucrats will be thrown in the mix.

 

The BP spill and the Katrina disaster were both tragedies, but there were numerous aspects of government overreach in both instances: USACE should have never been in charge of building New Orleans’ levees, and the EPA should never have existed to tell BP that all government contracts with that company would be cut off.

 

Another reason that socialism can never work is that hypocrisy is a detestable characteristic that earthly governments will always have, no matter who runs that government and no matter what its objectives are. The private sector has its shortcomings, but after all, capitalism is the worst economic system ever devised by man – except for all the other economics systems.

President Developed Memory Loss, Doctors Say

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has developed short term memory loss, White House doctors say. The announcement of the condition came as no surprise to insiders and many Congressmen.

 

In 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and until late this year, the President maintained that “If you like your insurance plan, you can keep it.” He also claimed that the Affordable Care Act, which is commonly called Obamacare, would not affect who one’s doctor is. Recently he has contradicted himself, medical experts report.

 

The Benghazi attacks on September 11 last year also sparked a series of inconsistent statements as well. Within days of making one statement, “He would make a different one,” said Doctor Mimi Ary, a Virginia memory specialist.

 

Brain surgeon Grey Metter added, “I noticed that one day it would be some video he blamed [for the Benghazi attacks], here and there he would let it slip that it might have been a terrorist attack. One day he would say that he had been up the whole night of the 11th keeping up with the Benghazi situation, and the next day he would say that he had known nothing.”

 

The President gives a speech about the Benghazi situation, on September 12, 2012.

The President gives a speech about the Benghazi situation, on September 12, 2012.

General practitioner Jenny Procter also noticed an apparent memory slip throughout the advent of the IRS scandal this spring.

 

“Same thing as with Benghazi,” Dr. Procter noted, “He said he knew nothing, and then within a few hours he said something to the effect of ‘the buck stops here’ and that he was in charge. Then he claimed that he knew nothing. An endless cycle of mental instability.”

 

“At least he has been diagnosed,” a White House staffer said, “And it does explain why on some days he would forget how to add and subtract.”

 

On one occasion, the President forgot about the Civil War. His advisors recollect that he proceeded to blame President George W. Bush for the 1860s conflict.

 

“One speech that was nearly broadcast on television was a pretty severe indicator of memory loss. He knew nothing about death, the common cold, or tornadoes,” the staffer continued.

 

“I found out about it in the newspapers,” the President said many times during the recorded message.

 

Drs. Ary and Metter are in charge of treatment for the President.

 

“We are confident that our revolutionary treatments will be effective. The White House can rest assured that the best care will be available to our ailing leader,” Dr. Metter said in a statement, “If demagoguery is what ails him, we know how to fix it.”

FDA Approves “Belladonna Berry Pie”

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today approved several controversial products made by the California company Armageddon Delectables.

 

Started by a non-profit called the Overpopulation Organization, the company specializes in canned and baked goods tainted with cyanide, arsenic, hemlock, and dimethylmercury. The State of California has already approved the soon-to-be nationally marketed “Belladonna Salad” and the “Belladonna Berry Pie.”

 

The FDA has denied that it was influenced by lobbyists in its decision to approve the products.

 

“The only reason that we allow or disallow foods is to keep consumers safe. In no way are we influenced by lobbyists. Banish the thought that this institution could be corrupt,” the Administration’s deputy commissioner for foods, Michael Taylor, explained.

 

“We are as pure as the driven snow,” former FDA agent Cory Ruptt added. He retired in 2012 after becoming a millionaire, he stated.

 

The Overpopulation Organization’s stated mission is to reduce the population (which the group considers to be too large) in “delectable ways with gourmet treats.” The group is proud that of its over 2,000 members, five hundred are multi-millionaires. The Organization’s website is partially disguised to appear as a recipe blog, requiring special login credentials to access the actual Overpopulation Organization’s website.

 

The Belladonna berry, ten of which are toxic enough to kill a grown adult, are described as being "somewhat sweet." Armageddon Delectables has worked around the challenge by merely adding extra sugar to a traditional berry pie recipe.

The Belladonna berry, ten of which are toxic enough to kill a grown adult, are described as being “somewhat sweet.” Armageddon Delectables has worked around the challenge by merely adding extra sugar to a traditional berry pie recipe.

“I’ve never tried a Belladonna berry, but I’m sure it’s delicious. The ants dropped dead when they ate it but they’re so tiny it can’t matter,” Commissioner Taylor continued, “I’m positive that it is safe and I’m, like, 25% sure that we might have tested it on rats or something.”

 

First Lady Michelle Obama is also advocating Belladonna Berry Pie as well as belladonna fruit juice. After publishing a simplified recipe on Letsmove.gov as a Michelle Obama Favorite, the First Lady is now serving the dessert at a NovemberState Dinner meant to reduce partisanship and bring both sides of the aisle together.

 

“Y’know, I don’t like Congress very much. Never have liked it very much. But it’s the least I can do for them, to make them a special dessert,” she said.

 

The head of an FDA committee responsible for the decision said, “It wasn’t a difficult decision. Shouldn’t it be everyone’s right to eat what they want – no, wait, that isn’t right. Ummm … well, I just had this gut feeling that it might be okay.”

 

Late yesterday the committee chairman was arrested for littering Washington streets with hundred dollar bills falling from his pockets. He has made no further comments.

 

Despite the arguments for or against, Armageddon Delectables could now be coming to a store near you.

 

The Belladonna Plant.

The Belladonna Plant.

 

 

The Problem with Power

Power can be a good thing. But when it is abused, it can be the most terrible thing in the earth.

We’ve all seen it, heard it, read about it, watched it. The elusive “ring of power” that drives good men to evil and weak men to insanity. In developing countries we see a man rise to power and then cling to it, becoming worse than his predecessor in his lust for power.

Jeroboam was chosen by God to be the next king of Israel, but when he saw the hearts of the children of Israel were turned towards the temple of God, he was afraid of losing “his” kingdom and built two golden calves for them to worship instead. He had a chance to turn the people to God, but in fear he drove them away. He loved power more than God. Power was his God.

For Co-op my main class is Literature. In Beowulf, the mighty warrior is cautioned again and again not to love power. And in Shakespeare, the serpent-tongued Cassius whispers “he doth bestride the narrow world like a Colossus, and we petty men walk under his huge legs”

It takes hold of the best and the worst. It can hardly be controlled, and it usually controls you. Few men were able to give it up.

That’s why George Washington was such a hero. He was loved and respected by all his people, but he limited his power to only two terms. How absurd! Who ever heard of giving up power? It seemed like foolishness, but we all respect him and follow his example.

I don’t know if you’ve heard of the military handbook calling the founding fathers extremists. I’d look it up on the Fox news website. But in a way, that malicious label was 100% true. Sometimes God calls us to do things that seem extreme or ridiculous or embarrassing. But he uses us!

And that’s the problem with power. The world says “fight to get it, then fight to keep it.” But the system was upset when the all-powerful God of the universe stepped down to die for filthy, hateful creatures who gladly killed him. “Although he was a son he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him, being designated by God a priest after  the order of Melchizedek.” (Hebrews 5:8-10)

The problem with power is that it’s upside down. The truly powerful are those who have power and can give it up, like the little hobbit in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings who gave the ring to a weaker one than he, because it was not his to keep. Power is not ours to keep. All power is God’s, to use as he will. Do not hoard it.

New Executive Order Bans Rain on Presidential Golf Days

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama recently signed an executive order making rain on his golf days illegal. Washington has largely remained silent about the move.

One of the President’s aides anonymously commented, “This is a step forward for all of us, because nobody likes to watch a grown man cry.”

The aide continued, “Golly, whenever he misses his golf, he just falls part. Once, an interview was re-scheduled and it interrupted his game. He couldn’t help but let loose a few tears right there on television.”

obama golf

The President’s golf game has been said to be of paramount importance.

Another  White House staffer added, “They all must have misunderstood him. They thought he was choking up because of some bombing or something. We’re tired of this purposeful misinterpretation. Nobody seems to care about how our Dear Leader feels.”

The President himself has not had much to say about the measure except for an interview statement made immediately before his signature was affixed to the order.

“The job of a President is tiring. Every now and then we need to use taxpayer dollars to engage in some worthless sport. Because it seems like it rains at least one of the seven days a week that I want to play, I think it is time that we end this ridiculous disrespect. After all, I am the President of the United   States.” He noted.

Left-leaning meteorologists throughout the United States have become intrigued with the idea of controlling the weather and are now sending lobbyists to the White House and to the Senate to see what can be done for their communities.

“If we want a cold front, maybe we can get one. All we have to do is figure out how to get an executive order signed in time,” one local weatherman added, “I think whoever has the best lobbyist will win. Hopefully that will be me, because I also have a degree in political science. Setting up definite ties to the White House is the way to go.”

“If it’s really just as simple as passing an executive order, we should have done this years ago,” nationally prominent meteorologist Wren Snowden Hailer exclaimed. “We could have avoided Sandy and Katrina the Snowquester.”

Congress has remained skeptical about the order.

“I don’t believe it can be constitutional,” a Congressman from Colorado explained, “Mainly because it might violate the First Amendment. Some religions rely very heavily on rain for their ceremonies and stuff, not to mention that some Native Americans pride themselves in controlling the weather. It wouldn’t be fair to the Indians if we did that, would it?”

Representative Gimee Powers, a Democrat from Wisconsin, is also displeased with the order: “I believe that if the President gets to do it, then I should get to do it too. It is so not fair that he is controlling the weather.”

The majority of Americans have not formulated an opinion on the order, nor do many voters know of the measure. However, radio commentators and right-wing conspirators have largely decided that the order will be ineffective.

At the signing ceremony, the President concluded, “Controlling the weather may be beyond my power. That’s why we have set up a new executive agency.”

 

 

Potassium Bitartrate Banned in New York

ALBANY – The New York State Assembly recently passed a measure banning potassium bitartrate, now considered a dangerous substance in the Empire State. Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to sign the bill later this week in an elaborate and well-publicized ceremony.

 

After a special interest group entitled “Cream of the Tartans” began a comprehensive lobbying campaign, the bill gained popular support among New Yorkers, but most notably Assembly leadership.

 

Potassium bitartrate will now be treated as a hazardous material, and any offending corporation will be fined or taken over. Individuals, stores, and other places of businesses and organizations are likewise banned.

 

“They’ve declared my business hazardous, you know, like explosives or something except that they like bombs more than they do my products. Just two days ago it was safe, and we’re like, using it for whipped egg whites and meringue. Now it’s a banned substance.” Dean O. Barbar, president of a potassium bitartrate manufacturing company, explained.

 

Motives behind the ban are numerous.

 

State Assemblywoman Ima Doofus added, “Potassium bitartrate clearly poses a public health risk and we should make a point of eliminating such risks. Sodium chloride and dihydrogen monoxide are my next two targets. They have both caused me, like, way too many problems.”

 

Almost all of her colleagues agreed that the substance, once a regularly utilized ingredient in baked goods, sounds dangerous.

 

“Anything that has an ‘ium’ at the end and then the next word starts with ‘bi’ it must totally be dangerous. I mean, like, radium or something?” said Assemblyman Chumley Moroniker.

 

Currently, most industries specializing in baked goods have decided to move their headquarters and largest factories to Texas.

1998

I was born in 1998, a mid-term election year. I’m sure that as in every election since 1973, the right to life was a hot topic. Congressmen and Senators vowed, as they still do, to ban abortion. At the least, conservatives claimed they would institute more regulations. If the candidates leaned left, they promised to give more federal funding to Planned Parenthood.

1998

As a curious spectator and a marginal participant in the 2012 elections, I observed the some of the same provocateurs inciting a hullaballoo over the same issues as in the November 3, 1998 elections. Those pro-choice rabble-rousers have kept alive a continual political donnybrook since 1998.

 

I often stop to think about the many babies that would have been born in 1998, but whose lives were cut off before they had a chance to prove themselves because of special-interest incendiaries. Lobbyists proclaimed a “woman’s right to choose” in 1997, 1998, and throughout the three decades before. Because of their efforts, many fell in a tragic trap that they have regretted for the last fifteen years. But the murdered babies that would now be teenagers like myself are the true victims of this political artifice.

1998 election

How many of those 1998 babies would have been my friends or acquaintances I will never know. Perhaps one or two of them, when I was a young child, would have played with me. Perhaps we would have attended the same pre-school. Perhaps we would share the same passion for writing and reading.

 

At the very least, I know that a few of these 1998 babies would have grown up in my hometown. The child that lost his or her life lost an irreplaceable treasure, but so did the world that instigated such an action.

 

The number of future presidents, congressmen, inventors, actors, innovators, scientists, mathematicians, writers, musicians, actors, soldiers, fathers, and mothers that we lost to the abortion industry in 1998 is incalculably large.

 

A man who surely changed the world, Abraham Lincoln said, “If there is anything a man can do well, I say let him do it. Give him a chance.” One of the most powerful things that you can give to any person is a chance.

 

In 1998, in the United States alone, over 1,319,000 children were denied a chance at life. There are few parallels one can draw from 1998 to 2012, but one parallel that can be drawn is certainly that the right to life is still under attack.

 

Until I too leave the world, I will be left wondering how my life would be different, and how the world would be different, if in 1998 those children had been spared.