Sitter Sméagol Part 1

This Addition to the Sméagol series is the first one to be a two-part. The series is purely fictitious and is not canon, so don’t worry about it. For entertainment only.

Sitter Sméagol

After losing his job at the restaurant, Sméagol scanned the want ads in the local newspaper. The choice of employment for a creature such as him was very slim.

 

Gollum: Nothing for poor Sméagol. Nothing at all. No one cares that he is starving! No one cares that he might die! (Scans the paper again) What’s this? Sitter wanted to watch house for weekendses. What’s a sitter, precious? Someone who sitses? We must looks into this.

(Gollum goes down to the address listed. It is a good sized hobbit-hole with a green door. Seeing a hobbit nearby, he asks for directions.)

Gollum: Excuse us. Where are we, precious?

Hobbit: Why, you’re in the shire, strange looking creature.

Gollum: Shire? That soundses familiar somehow. Might as well knock. (Knocks on door)

Sam: Hello?

Gollum: FAT HOBBIT!!!!!

Sam: There’s no need to be insulting. Why, Gollum! I wondered what had happened to you after you fell into that volcano. And then you were at that restaurant. Well, what are you doing here?

Gollum: I found this ad in the paperses. But I don’t know what sitterses mean.

Sam: Oh. Well, it’s someone who watches over a house and makes sure that no one comes in when they’re not supposed to.

Gollum: Is that all? Just watching houseses?

Sam: That’s it.

Gollum: Then we’ll take the jobses.

Sam: Wait, Gollum, it isn’t that easy. See, this is an odd house. Strange things keep happening. We haven’t been able to go on vacation for two months because people keep coming. We haven’t been able to get a sitter.

Gollum: Problemses solved. You need someone to watch the houses, and I need a jobses. Go ahead and take the little hobbitses with you.

Sam: Well, about that…

Gollum: Yes?

Sam: We haven’t found a baby sitter either.

Gollum: I don’t understandses.

Sam: This is a trip to Rivendell to listen to the elf music. I can’t really take the children. So I’ve been trying to get a babysitter.

Gollum: What’s the difference betweens a sitterses and a babysitterses?

Sam: I’m not leaving the kids with you, Gollum.

Gollum: (whining) But poor Sméagol just wants to be helpful. Fat hobbitses don’t understands us!

Sam: I understands just fine. I don’t mind you watching our house, but I do mind you watching my children. You might eat them.

Gollum: EATSSS THEM? FAT HOBBIT THINKS I’LL EAT THE LITTLE HOBBITSES? SHAME!

Rosie: Dear, I wish you would stop that noise. I just got the children to bed. Elanor is going to stay up with them. Is this the sitter?

Sam: Well, yes…

Rosie: Wonderful! Now, we must hurry if we’re going to make the coach.

Sam: But dear, I don’t know if this is wise….

Rosie: Oh, Sam, don’t worry so much. Elanor will take care of them. (Turns to Gollum) Thank you very much for coming.

Gollum: Um, you’re welcomses?

Rosie: Now we must be going.

Sam: Wait…

Rosie: Hurry, love! This is one of the last times we can see The Elves before they leave on their over the sea tour! We’ve waited long enough! (Drags Sam away)

(Elanor, a girl hobbit, walks out. She blinks at Gollum)

Elanor: Who are you?

Gollum: What did we get ourselves into, precious?

Will Sméagol survive the job at Bag End? Are Sam’s kids safe? And why did it take so long for Sam to find a sitter? Stay tuned for part 2!

Server Sméagol: A Spoof

Setting: Gollum, after losing “his” ring, is homeless and out of a job. Out of pity, a Rider of Rohan hires him to work in his restaurant. However, working is not something Gollum is used to.

 

Helm: All right….Gollum? Is that your name?

Gollum: Yes, precious, poor Sméagol is called Gollum now.

Helm: Well, then, Gollum, your jobs will be simple. You’ll wash dishes, take food to the tables, and help clean up the restaurant. People will order at the counter, so you won’t need to take their orders, but you will need to make sure you give the right food to the right people. Is that clear?

Gollum: Very clear, precious. Poor Sméagol does his best.

Helm: Good. First you can help wash dishes in the back here. (Shows Gollum a large sink)

Gollum: What a lot of water. Are there fishes in here, precious?

Helm: No. Just a lot of dishes. And be careful! (begins to walk off)

Gollum: (Looking around) Augh! What’s it doing, precious? He ruins it!

Helm: (rushes over) What is it?

Gollum: He cooks it! He ruins the nice fish! Make him stop!

Helm: (shaking his head) Gollum, you need to calm down. This isn’t a sushi joint. We cook our food. Now maybe this is bothering you. Would you like to do a job where you don’t have to watch them cook?

Gollum: Yes, precious, Sméagol would be so appreciative. (to himself) Might not want to stay this job. Sounds sticky.

Helm: All right. Take this fish and this salad to the couple over there. (hands Sméagol two huge plates)

Gollum: Issss not right precious! (staggering under the heavy plates) They spoils the nice fish. Give it to me now, raw, wriggling….(sets the plates down on the table heavily) and keep the nassty lettuces!

The couple at the table are Eowyn and Faramir.

Faramir: What’s this? (Stares at Gollum) Haven’t we met before?

Gollum: What? This one again, precious? How!? (He ducks under the table.)

Eowyn: Peace, Faramir. He has as much right to work as anyone.

Faramir: No treachery, now.

Gollum: No…no not at all. (slinks away very quickly and goes to see Helm) You didn’t tells us that HE was here!

Helm: Sorry, Gollum. This is a popular restaurant. Speaking of which…(In comes a huge group of orcs) here’s the football team now! How was the game?

Lead orc: Oh! Ha, it was a killing! (all orcs rattle their weapons and cheer) We want something to eat! It seems like we haven’t had anything but maggoty bread in three days!

Helm: Now, now, you were here yesterday. Gollum, get some tables ready for these gentlemen.

Gollum: GENTLEMEN? They’re ORCSES!!!

Helm: Now, don’t be prejudiced. Go on.

Gollum: We goes, we goes. (Grumbling to himself) Helpsing orcses and elvses, no food for poor Sméagol! But must be kind to master. He gives us moneys to buy foodses and hotel roomses. (Does as he’s told)

Helm: Thank you, Gollum, you’re doing a great job so far. But we’re not done yet. Please take these baked potatoes to that table over there.

Gollum: But there’s too much, precious! There’s more taters here than in fat hobbit’s stew, precious! We must think this through, love! He gives us too much! These are….nine taters, precious!

Helm: You know, I could hire a dwarf…

Gollum: Coming, coming! Poor Sméagol does his best, even though he’s tired and hungry! We takes the nassty taters. (Strains to pick up all the trays) Nassty….HEAVY taters! (Gollum staggers over to the table and almost drops all the plates) There! Here’s your nassty taters, good riddance, I says! Takes them! Takes them all! (Looks up)

(The occupants of the table are a family of hobbits. Sméagol’s mouth drops open.)

Sam: Gollum?

Gollum: Fat hobbitses? A whole family of fat hobbitses! Augh!!!!!! (Runs to Helm) I can’t do this, precious! Is too hard!

Helm: (losing his patience) If you can’t work with the others, I can’t have you work here.

Gollum: Fine! We leave. And we’ll never come back! (goes off in a huff) Best decision we’ve made, precious. Can’t work there any more. It’s too much, precious. Too much. We work somewhere else.