Happy Dog Reprise

Hey, this is Felix, fourth columnist down from the exalted Clara. As the alpha dog in the house, I felt that it was my job to keep you updated with the pet population around here. It’s been hard to write anything for some time now because Fluffy went into hiding. He has reluctantly emerged from his hiding, and is now writing for us. Isn’t that nice? I’m following the pawprints of my dog predecessors and resuming the post of dogmaster general.

The first thing I should tell you about is my history. I’m Jack’s older brother by two months. I am turning one year old in three weeks. Jack has left the yard because he killed some turkeys and was put on chain lockup. I haven’t seen him in a few months, and that’s ok. I got a new sidekick now.

My new puppy is Misty. She’s got a gray set of fur and she’s about as round as a puppy should be. She has cute little stick-up ears and a stripey gray tail that sticks up in the air. She also has whiskers. Don’t ask me where those came from. I didn’t give them to her! My little puppy is adorable, and I’ve raised her as my own. Jack and I found her near the bonfire in the burn pile. The family sent her to the shed for a month, but when she emerged, she was all puppy! We loved to wrestle and play-fight. We shared food. All is well.

As far as a puppy goes, she’s a bit strange. She likes to climb trees and posts. She also prefers to scratch rather than biting. She makes this weird vibrating sound when she’s happy. And sometimes she climbs on top of the roof. But I love her anyway. I share scraps with her and we chase each other around the yard. It’s a good life.

Did you know that puppies are really fun to chew on? Did you know that you can carry them around in your mouth? Did you know that they’re really not fun to be scratched by? I didn’t. How funny! I like my little puppy. She makes me laugh.

All of the other creatures around here are cats and chickens. The chickens peck and kick. I don’t like them. The cats scratch and hiss. I don’t like them either. But the people keep getting more and more of them! I don’t know what the attraction is. The newest kitten is Socks. Strangely enough, she’s about the same size and shape as my puppy, and she likes to scratch and bite too. It’s funny.

You know, our chickens are odd. They live in a little fort that is painted with sunflowers. It’s got a big yard and a house raised from the ground. They stink. But sometimes they get out and run around. They are fun to chase, but some of them have strange names. Avoid “Eowyn”! She’s got a sword. And avoid “Radagast” too. She’s…actually, I have no idea what she is. All I know is that my puppy does strange things after “Radagast” waves her little twig. Why did they give her a name like “Radagast”?

The people just got more chicks. I haven’t seen them yet, but Misty says they’re small and crunchy. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds delicious. Misty would know. She’s already killed four mice and a snake. She’s an efficient dog, that’s for sure. She also likes to climb up into the tree and chase squirrels. Ah, squirrels. If only I could catch them! They’re so…so….small and crunchy! One day I’ll actually get to chase one.

Anyway, the chicks are here. I don’t have much information right now, but I think someone said that one of them is called “Batman”.

Oh dear.

You know, chickens aren’t that great. They stink and bite and kick. They aren’t regular in laying eggs. They peck your feet and are very ungrateful. It’s better not to bother with them. But if you think you must have chickens, and you bring them into your home, don’t give them names like “Batman”. How about “Stinky”, or “Chewy”, or “Crunchy”? Those are appropriate names. Not “Batman”.

My Puppy and I might need to intervene here. Be warned, chickens. The Happy Dog will rise again!

Tasty and Squishable Shelob Candy

Tasty, squishable, and very, very sticksy, yesssss Precious, sticksy like Shelob’s webs. Everyone’s always hungry for Shelob candy, yesssss. And Smeagol knows the way; good Smeagol shows Master the way to make Shelob candises. Smeagol gives you the recipe.

First, you need these foodses:

  • 4 cups marshmallows
  • 4 tablespoons butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • 1 1/4 cups coconut flakes
  • 1/2 cup chopped pecans

Next, microwave the marshmallowses and the butter until they are melted. Stir them well.

1

Add the vanilla.

2

Microwave again if the marshmallowses are too stiff, and then mix in 1 1/4 cups flaked coconutses. Should be about the stickiness of giant spider’s web, yesssss, precious:

4

Now add the tasty and crunchable pecanses.

5

Watch out for nasty tricksy hobbitses, who come to steal your juicy sweet candises:

8Keep close watch for nasty hobbitses while you lay out parchment paperses on a plate and spray it with slippery grease:

9

Use two spoons to roll the sticky juicy sweet into a ball. Once that is done, keep the preciousssss in a cold dark cave, or in a nasty refrigerator (your choice) until they are holdable and chewable:

10.

And listen to good Smeagol, don’t let nasty tricksy hobbitses take your Shelob candy. Because nasty tricksy hobbitses will steal it from you. 

13

Nasty hobbit stole our preciousssss. 

14

We must go look for the preciousssss.

gollum tree

Gregory’s Column: Christianity Banned?

christianity banned

 

 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’- Jeremiah 33:3

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.~Albert Camus

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.~Romans 8:37-39 

Think. It is not illegal yet.-Anonymous

Christianity worldwide and in the United States is becoming a severely persecuted religion, more than we have ever seen. I know that it sounds a bit obscene, but it is more than true. Ever since President Obama has been elected we have seen that we have no wiggle room for our faith. He also wants us to give up our freedom.

Ever since Congress has added “Under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1954 we have believed to think that the phrase meant that God would always be with us and and that those two words were permanent. But radical leftism, a prominent political force in this country, is hostile to Christianity. “Under God” is a taboo phrase in public schools and public settings. Will this hostility grow to the point that we Christians will be titled as the enemy, or have we already?

Bill Maher, a man who is an avid atheist, insults the Christian body. He says, ” Christians like to feel like martyrs.” Do you believe that? I don’t.  The world is slowly becoming so violent when they here the word ‘Christian’ because the world has pinned it up as the religion of hate. But let us take it to another website. There is another site that is called God is imaginary and that we should stop believing. He also put down “ten questions to answer that would make you question your faith” which I am going to answer for you.

1.) Why won’t God heal amputees?

In James 1 :12 it says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” Also in 2 Corinthians 6:4-8 it states,”But as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true;” If you were allowed to look at you life in the form of a line, would you like it to be straight and easy or tumultuous and jagged? What would life be like if you didn’t have those obstacles to overcome? What accomplishments would you fulfill if everything were easy to do? God wants you to experience life and its hardships as He had said in Genesis 3:17-19: To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” For our mistake and sin of eating from the Tree of Life we have opened our eyes to the true world and we’ll will always face hardships. That is why God oftentimes doesn’t heal amputees.

2.)Why are there so many starving people in our world?

Well, this one can be directed back to Genesis 3:17-19, we must now and forever, until the end of time be left on our own. There are many miracles in which people have gained health or had diseases that disappeared immediately. Now we will live forever in pain and trials for the rest of our lives.

3.)Why does God demand the death of so many innocent people in the Bible? (He verses examples such as: – Exodus 35:2 – God demands that we kill everyone who works on the Sabbath day.- Deuteronomy 21:18-21 – God demands that we kill disobedient teenagers.- Leviticus 20:13 – God demands the death of homosexuals.- Deuteronomy 22:13-21 – God demands that we kill girls who are not virgins when they marry.)

What is the key element when you look at these verses? They are all in the Old Testament and in the old covenant, and have been replaced with the New Testament and its covenant of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ. In Ephesians 2:8-9 it says” For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast.” You can never achieve perfection and that doing so is an impossibility for Man. These verses that say to kill were set in a time before Christ’s ultimate sacrifice, when sin had to be paid for somehow. God does not condone murder — this was the solution for mankind’s sin.

Question #4: Why does the Bible contain so much anti-scientific nonsense? He adds details such as:

– God did not create the world in 6 days 6,000 years ago like the Bible says.

– There was never a worldwide flood that covered Mt. Everest like the Bible says.

– Jonah did not live inside a fish’s stomach for three days like the Bible says.

– God did not create Adam from a handful of dust like the Bible says.

            Well, to answer your question is that almost everything that has been on the Earth has been found through the Bible. Even most of the old documents have been found are through the Bible. The Dead Sea Scrolls, the Tel Dan Inscription, the Caiaphas Ossuary, the Crucified Man, the Ketef Hinnom Amulets, the House of God Ostracon, and the Pilate Inscription have valid scientific proof. Pontius Pilate, one of the best known people in history, had put Jesus Christ on trial (which proves Jesus did exist). So how could we have had a trial for someone who never existed?                                               

                                                       6,000 Years Ago

Well, actually how do you know the world was not made in 6 days? Were you here 6,000 years ago to see? Science has carbon dating and can date things back to millions of years ago, but this method has been proven to be flawed.

                                                        Science Vs. Theology

First, science’s description. The universe is small and without form or void. Protons and neutrons collide together and form a giant “BANG” that echoes into life on our planet and creates other galaxies and planets.

Second, theology’s description.  In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth and the earth was without form or shape, with darkness over the abyss and a mighty wind sweeping over the waters Then God said: Let there be light, and there was light. (Genesis 1:1-3) Both say the same thing but one excludes the major role in life. God.

                                                 There Was Never A Flood?

In this site we get a more clearer view of the potential flood that covered the Earth :  http://www.earthage.org/EarthOldorYoung/scientific_evidence_for_a_worldwide_flood.htm

If you clicked the link you probably just read a lot of evidence on a worldwide flood that includes geographical and scientific proof. If you didn’t I will just name one of the reasons that is proof of a flood . In sites around the world such as Mt. Saint Helens (USA), Palouse Canyon (USA), and Greenmount Beach (Ireland) it shows fossils of trees and animals that have been bent by severe force(such as water) and the writer said this : Fossils don’t form on lake bottoms today, nor are they found forming on the bottom of the sea. Instead, they normally only form when a plant or animal is buried soon after it dies. Therefore, the fossils themselves are evidence of a catastrophe such as a flood or volcanic eruption that took place in the past. Rapid Petrification of Wood.Severe water had bent the trees and they became petrified. And this flood came from USA all the way to Ireland which proves of a Great Flood around the globe. Even in some documentaries there are digs that see the layers of earth that prove of a great flood and that the world was covered in water.

                                                Jonah and the Whale:

 

“This is the summary of the Encyclopedia’s report on Jonah. The report theorizes that the “great fish” was most likely a sperm whale. While the common Greenland whale could scarcely swallow an orange, the sperm whale has a mouth that averages 20 feet long, 15 feet high, and 9 feet wide. It is well known that the sperm whale feeds largely on squid which, of course, often much larger than humans.

“As to whether a man could survive in a whale’s stomach, the Britannica article maintains that one certainly could, though with great discomfort. The report maintains that there would be sufficient air to breathe–air that is necessary for the whale to float. The temperature inside the whale would be great, but bearable at about 104 – 108 degrees F. There would be unpleasant contact with the whale’s gastric juices, but these juices could not digest living matter.

“You may even be surprised to hear that Jonah is not even the only human to ever survive such an ordeal. During a voyage of a whaling ship in February of 1891, a sperm whale was spotted and pursued in the vicinity of the Falkland Islands. In an attempt to harpoon the whale, one sailor drowned while a second one disappeared. Eventually the whale was killed and drawn to the side of the ship where it was dissected.

“The next day, the stomach was hoisted on deck and opened–with the missing sailor lying inside. The sailor was unconscious, but alive. He was eventually revived and, after a time, resumed his duties on board the whaling vessel(Wilson, Sign of the Prophet Jonah, 630 – 642). ”

These are all accounts of proof you can live inside of a whale, there are also accounts where dogs and cats and even sharks have been found alive inside of whales. And all of them where in top shape afterwards. Even science says that you can live inside of a whale depending on its size. And in Jonah 1:17 they describe the fish as huge. “Now the LORD provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.”

 

Question #5: Why is God such a huge proponent of slavery in the Bible? Look up these Bible verses – Exodus 21:20-21 – God apparently says that it is okay to own slaves, and it is also “okay to beat them.” – Colossians 3:22-24 – Slaves need to obey their masters.- Ephesians 6:5 – Slaves need to obey their masters just as they would obey Christ.- 1 Peter 2:18 – Slaves need to obey their masters, even if their masters are harsh .

Slaves were used so much back in the times of when Egypt flourished that it was considered natural to have slaves, but it was not recognized by the Mosaic Law ( also known as the laws of Moses). Slaves were willing servants they sold themselves into slavery to pay off debt when they couldn’t afford their crimes or pay for their families. So they put themselves into slavery until they paid them off and, not only that, when the slave was finished he was paid many gifts by his master. (“If your brother, a Hebrew man or a Hebrew woman, is sold to you, he shall serve you six years, and in the seventh year you shall let him go free from you. And when you let him go free from you, you shall not let him go empty-handed. You shall furnish him liberally out of your flock, out of your threshing floor, and out of your winepress. As the Lord your God has blessed you, you shall give to him. You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God redeemed you; therefore I command you this today. But if he says to you, ‘I will not go out from you,’ because he loves you and your household, since he is well-off with you, … Deuteronomy 15:12-18 ) Sometimes slaves were put into slavery by force but that would be because they were either sold from their family or by charges that were held against him/her. God commanded that slaves were treated like humans, and sometimes they never wanted to leave their master’s house. In other words, slavery was (in many respects) a different institution than it is now and in its other modern renditions.

Question #6: Why do bad things happen to good people?

We must all fight our own demons and fight for the right even when the evil is attacking us with ferocity. So why doesn’t God help us? I will supply the same answer I did on #1 . He wants us to have faith in Him on not only on the miracles that He can give you but also on the hardships that test your faith. Why would you want a life that everything goes good for you? Jesus was traded to take a murderer’s place (Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified. Matthew 27:26) . Life was never made to be easy after we ate the Apple of Understanding. People forget that we must live with the consequences of something we did, have done, and are doing. So we will always need forgiveness.

Question #7: Why didn’t any of Jesus’ miracles in the Bible leave behind any evidence?

Here is an answer from a man who witnessed Jesus’ death and called him a sorcerer. He hated Jesus and wanted people to see that he couldn’t perform miracles, but just magic:

“The first comes from the Babylonian Talmud 43a.    Babylonian Talmud  (late first or second century AD)  Babylonian Sanhedrin43a-b  “On the eve of the Passover they hanged Yeshu and the herald went before him for forty days saying [Yeshu] is going forth to be stoned in that he hate practiced sorcery and beguiled and led astray Israel   Here Jesus is accused of sorcery, in obvious parallel with the charge leveled in Matthew 12:22-23.  The writer of the Talmud does not agree that Jesus worked bona fide miracles, but he reports that he did things which, to the enemy of Jesus could only be written off as sorcery.    Also, in Babylonian Sanhedrin107b  it is claimed that Jesus practiced magic. In  tHul2:22-23  it is reported that healings were done in the name of Jesus.  So we have indirect confirmation of the crucifixion of Jesus and of his working of public miracles-only charging that the miracles were worked by Satan, not God. 

There is evidence all over the world. Whether you choose to accept it is up to you.

Question #8: How do we explain the fact that Jesus has never appeared to you?

Because Jesus is only returning in the end of times.

“Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done.” -Revelation 22:12

“At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other. (Matthew 24:30-31)

 Question #9 –Why would Jesus want you to eat his body and drink his blood? It sounds totally grotesque, doesn’t it?

This is the easiest one so far…

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. But as I told you, you have seen me and still you do not believe. All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away.- John 6:35-37

“He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”- John 6:55

Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.- 1 Corinthians 12:27

Jesus’ blood cleanses our sins and transgressions so that we will never be bound by the constrictive temptations of sins, and that everyday we may drink the wine of life through Jesus Christ. We don’t actually EAT His flesh (we’re not cannibals) it is a term of speech to represent that WE are Christ’s body. And that when we drink deep in the Bible and with knowledge, forgiveness, love, compassion, humility, and the light of Christ our Saviour in us then we will never grow hungry or thirsty; for our hunger is for His word; for His path for us. We are forever the body of Christ and therefore are always drinking His wine (Blood) and eating His bread (Flesh) so that we never are hungry.But as it says in John 6:35-37 ‘…you have seen me and still you do not believe me’. We are Christ’s body and every time we approach or preach to you, you are hearing and seeing the word of Christ (Well, just a piece of Him, anyways.)But we refute, refuse , and discriminate the moment a Christian talks about God. “You have seen me and still you do not believe me.” 

Last but not least Question #10 :Why do Christians get divorced at the same rate as non-Christians?

Well, it is quite easy to answer: we are as human as any other non-Christians. We make the same mistakes as any humans and we have to make up for it in time. But Jesus Christ has allowed us to be forgiven of our transgressions and has  removed them from our slate.  Just because we are Christians does not make us the role models of perfection but the models of forgiven sins. And since divorce is a sin by God, Jesus forgives it. Should it be avoided? Is it wrong? Yes, and yes. Acts 3:19 says : “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

All of the major atheistic questions have been answered. Did you like the answers?

 

 

 

Jack and friends

Hiya, everyone! I’m J-j-j-jack! That’s Jack. I’m the newest pride and joy of the Hair House. People call me a nuisance. I have no idea what that means, but It’s gotta be good, right?

I come bringing tidings of great joy! The best dog in the world (that’s me) has a new side-kick. His name is Felix. Or Happy. Still trying to figure that out.

He isn’t a very good one, though. He eats all the food. He never shares. And he always licks people before I can. He takes control of everything. Sometimes I wonder if he knows that I am the hero and HE is the sidekick. He likes to switch it around. But I don’t mind too much.

The biggest problem with Felix is that he likes chickens. Now I think chickens are kinda fun to chase, and all that, but he thinks that chickens are yummy. What a goofball! I guess he’s never tasted one. I think they’re all feathery.

But Felix is good for one thing: he comes up with a nice set of games! He came up with one called “Dig up the garden” and we did it. Dad wasn’t happy, but it was really fun. Then he came up with a new one: “Fly the coop” and we tried it out. It involved getting into the chicken coop and making the chickens fly out.

The world according to Felix:

A good idea: we could take naps in the middle of the road.

A better idea: we could take naps in the middle of the road when cars could come.

A good idea: eating an ant-hill

A better idea: eating a spider

The best of them all: eating a rattlesnake.

As I’ve said, Felix is very weird. But he’s a nice sidekick. He just needs some training. How should I train him? I guess I could stick him with a cat…no, wait. He actually likes cats. Oh well. But something needs to change. I need a plan.

Anyone have ideas on how I should teach Felix? If so, you can tell me in the comments.

Return of the Happy dog

Jack  Ha, ha! I fooled you! You thought I was going to be Clara, didn’t ya?

But you’re wrong. I’m a new little cutie. Check it out. If you can read this, then you’ll know who I am.

J, as in “Just the best ever!”

A, as in “Awesomest dog in the universe!”

C, as in “Cats be gone!”

K, as in “Kome and get me, chickens!”

Ok, so I can’t spell very well. But who cares? My name is Ja-ja-jaaaaaack! Jack is the greatest! Let me tell you all the awesome stuff about me!

I was born a long time ago. I must be at least 6 months old.

I am the best dog in the world. I don’t chase chickens and I hate cats!

I can defy gravity by jumping over the chicken coop.

Everyone loves me.

See? I am the most awesome puppy in the whole wide world! Not only that, but I am a super-hero!Superjack

Let me tell you how I work. See, I know the cats are evil. I can see it in the way they walk. I can see it in the snooty way they talk. And I can definitely see it in the way they don’t let me eat their food! But because I’m a puppy, and I spend a lot of time inside, I don’t need Fluffy to type for me. I figure that I have paws just like he does, and I can do it myself. But when I see the cats eat their food, I fly in to the rescue! I don’t want the helpless food kernels to be trapped in their stomachs. They need to be free and go in mine!

diagramSo when I see the cats eat their food, I use my super-awesome super abilities to destroy those crazy cats and free their food prisoners. Then I eat them, oh boy! I like to chase cats too. They are very fun to play with. But cats cheat. They don’t run all the time. Instead they try to hit me in the nose.

That hurts.

EggI also guard the chickens. They love me, and sometimes give me gifts. Sure, the gifts are all chicken food, but it’s the thought that counts. I wish they would give me eggs. Tchickens and jackhey never eat them, so why should they hoard them all? But the chickens are pretty cool. One time they gave me a corncob, and it was really chewy! I thought it was yummy, but then the cat wanted it. So I decided to cash all my bones in the corn market. Now Fluffy has my food and his food, but I have the corncob.

I think I’m missing something.

Anyway, my people love me like a son. That is very good, because I adopted them, anyway. They even took me to a spa when I was sick. I didn’t like it very much. They kept giving me shots. They called me a puppy!

Well! I’m the biggest, most handsome dog ever, and it was not very nice of them to call me a puppy. Plus, they kept me in a cage. I had to get out of there.

There’s a cage in our yard. It’s for the cats, I guess, because they would never put me in one. They keep trying to use me as bait for the cats. Well, that’s what I think they want, because they put me in there for a long time. The problem is, the cats never come. They just make faces at me through the fence. So I dig out.

I’m the most cool dog ever, and my people are very lucky to have me! I am trying to train them to let me on the couch. They don’t learn very fast. People never do.

Oh well. As the newest dog in the Hair house, and by far the most important, I have many duties. But since the other dogs throughout history have kept up this page, I thought I should keep up the tradition.

Rememeber. Ja, ja, JACK! I’m the best dog around. See ya later.

Goofy Dog news report

Hi there. I’m Tanner, and well, I thought you might want to know how well I’m doing without my leader, Clara. You know her as Happy Dog. Well, don’t you worry. I’m being a good dog. I follow all the rules, chase cars, and bark at the mailman.

Well, you know how those weird mail people have this strange habit of getting out of their cars. What is the point of that? They have these nice little cars with their nice little tires and seats and radios and all sorts of things. Why would they want to leave them?

But they do, and I have to chase them. When they leave their cars, that makes me have to go to all the trouble of chasing them and chewing their shoes off. They sure run fast. And they really don’t like it when you bite them. Talk about bad-tempered!

So when Clara said that there’s nothing to do when you’re in solitary confinement, she was right. Nothing. Why is it my fault that the person intruded? Hey, I could have told him not to do that. That’s just silly.

But the real issue is that my place as cool cucumber 1 is being threatened. There’s a new puppy around. At first I chased him off and Dad chased him off and everyone…well, actually, it was three in the mornin’ and no one was awake but me and Daddy and Sammy because he was eatin’ dinner. Who eats at three in the morning? But that’s not the point.

The point is, I knew I had to get him out of here before Melly woke up or we’d never get to the end of it. It didn’t work out. She woke up, and Adam, and Sam…Sam never went to sleep. He’s a weird kid. And Grace woke up and Bekah and Joel and Merry and Eowyn and Spot and…hold on. Somehow, I left off naming people and started naming chickens. Oops. What were we talking about again?

Oh yeah, little black. So he came, and he was typical puppy. No manners, no grammer…gramer, grammmmr, how ever you say that, he didn’t have it. And he took everyone by the heartstrings. They called him Blackie and Shadow and other things, but no one would agree to that. Something about having stuffed animals with those names.

In a Hank book, there were some dogs named black and jack. Momma and Bekah started calling him Black Jack, and it stuck. Something about a card game. Bekah said it had to do with a weapon, so it didn’t quite come off without an argument, but he’s Jack. Daddy calls him Puppy Jack. I think it has to do with cheese.

There are a lot of jokes with Jack in ’em.

But who cares about the name? The little turkey is trespassing. Sure, he’s cute, cuddly, and loves to play. But what about the dogs who make it all possible? What about the people who sacrifice everything to make sure that delivery guys approach the house with fear?

Poor me. No one can compete with puppy love.

Goofy Dog’s tribute

Hi there. My name’s…actually, maybe I shouldn’t tell ya that. See, I’m not sure if I can trust you. I mean, weird things have been happening.

I have to explain what happened. See, usually, when ya see something that says “Dog” it means that Clara will be a’writing something here on this fancy calculator. But that isn’t going to be happening anymore. I suppose I should explain why.

It all started with those chickens. Clara didn’t like ‘em. I did. I thought they were kinda cute, and you know? They taste just like chicken too. Course, that there means that there will be trouble with the folks up at the house. You know me, happy as ever, but Clara didn’t like being chained up. It’s a sad one, that is. I can’t hardly explain it, but it can’t be that she liked the taste of them. It had to be that she loved to chase stuff.

So they tried to train her out of it. Don’t get me wrong, they did. Tried treats and tricks and shocky collars and time in the doghouse, but she wouldn’t budge. Wouldn’t even come when called. Well. They don’t like that in a dog. Not that she was a bad ‘un, but she just was a bit of a rascal. Wouldn’t listen at all.

So they put up a for sale sign, and wouldn’t you know? Some feller said he wanted a good dog for his kids. Oh, Clara was sad to leave the chickens, to be sure. She said something about the “Duty of all dogs” or something else, but well, they were very insistant. Last thing I saw she was grinnin’ off the side of a pickup truck with a girl and a baby, getting pet and everything.

Now don’t think I’m any writer, ‘cause that’s not true. Clara always had that. She gave me one last assignment, to get the chickens by a’making a poster that showed how terribly awful those chickens are and bad chickens are to people and Dogs. I even came up with an acronym and everything.

C.A.R.E. Chickens are really evil

C.A.R.E. Chickens are really evil

Clara will be so proud.

Good Dog’s problem

I don’t like all these crazy things. They don’t understand the complex nature of a dog’s feelings. We like having a nice time by the fire, or on the carpet, or by  the bed, sleeping the night away. Little things like fleas and chickens can destroy everything. It isn’t good.

Not at all.

So there’s an issue with chickens. I will admit that. There’s no shame in lying….I mean telling the truth.

So here’s the thing…that old saying about old dogs and tricks? Absolutely true. And Shock Collars. Let’s not go into those little imps. They bite worse than fleas and beep and do all sorts of things that I don’t get. For a while we did fine…but to tell the truth we never really got along. The first time it bit me I was so surprised I ran all the way down the street until I was sure that they weren’t going to bite again.

I can’t trust anyone! I can’t trust even Bekah. Not that I ever really did. Sam was always my friend, but now that he had foot surgery he’s gone all crazy. Poor me. Friendless, alone, and Mom’s eye…

In case you want to know about that disastrous occasion, I think you’ll have to read the Return of the Charlie Monsters by Hank the Cowdog. I’m not going to go into those things. I don’t like repeating this. It was a very unfortunate turn of events. Let’s just say that instead of Hank and Sally May, it was me and Mom.

So if anyone wants a beautiful border collie, with lightning speed and masterful affection, and if that person has a large fence and no chickens, I will love you forever. I need to get out of here, and they don’t like me either.

I think Fluffy is trying to sell me on Southeast Texas dot comma or something. But I refuse to go!

Please?

 

Happy Dog woes

Hi there. Ok, we have issues.

I’m a jumper. I’m proud of that. I can jump over almost everything. I don’t want to brag or anything but I have jumped over a pickup truck. It was an amazing day. However, I seem to have found a weakness to the A-frame. Consequently, the people have me locked up. I don’t understand the problem! Here’s what happened.

I was minding my own business, going around a routine patrol of the backyard and wondering what would happen next in Hank. My people listen to Hank the Cowdog on the radio or something and some times, they leave a window open. That is a very wise dog. If you listen to him enough, you realize “I’m not alone in my quest!” And though Hank never eats the chickens (every hero has his flaws) he has given me inspiration. He knows how it feels to be accused unjustly.

Fluffy isn’t fond of him. (That’s Fluffy Cattius, humans) He thinks that he’s a jerk, to put it delicately. Cats can use foul language when they’re talking about dogs…at least Fluffy does. (She’s kidding) He, unsurprisingly, favors the villain of the series, Pete, and laughs his little head off when Pete pulls a fast one. I’ve even seen him try some of the same tricks on my assistant. It’s revolting. I’d pull a Hank on him and bark him into the next century but…

Well…

I’m a border collie. I have deep barks and snarls, but sometimes my voice cracks. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl. Don’t think that means I’m a pushover…I’m not! But Tanner’s better at chasing cats and barking off monsters and well…how can I put this. Sometimes I wonder why he’s not the leader and I’m not the follower. After all, he’s huge, lanky, loud, and strong. Do you want to know why?

Because he has no brain.

I’m sorry to put it that way, but it is. I think when he almost starved to death as a puppy, his brain stopped growing. He’s the size of a big dog, but his brain is still in chew up shoes and chase butterflies stage. Someone has to be in charge, and it’s not him. I mean, if he was in charge, we’d all be chasing butterflies and the chickens and cats would be taking over the house. No. I need to do something. So here’s what happened.

I was thinking about Hank and walking around the back yard when I saw her. Gold-lined feathers, cocky expression, and wings the color of wood shavings. It was my old nemesis, Eowyn. When she was a chick, I tried to eat her.

 

Eowyn and I in our first battle

Eowyn and I in our first battle

 

And then she stuck me with a splinter and began dancing around with her overgrown duck sister singing “We killed the fell beast! Yay!” I have no idea what she was talking about, but I do know this. When she was just two inches tall, the kids would take her into the house and watch movies with her, like The Princess Bride and Frozen. I guess she picked it up from there somewhere, and spread it to the other chickens.

When they were little, they were prize lunches–pets, shall I say, and the kids would get a paper towel over their laps and each hold a cute, soft, fluffy chick. Sam would always take Spot, Adam Stallion, and Rebekah took her two crazy ones, Eowyn and Merry. So they saw a lot of television in their younger days.

My eyes narrowed. Eowyn and I had a score to settle. I wanted nothing better than to run right in the middle of her and send her flying…

Hmm. The A-frame wasn’t that tall. Maybe if I got a running start…

 

My plan didn’t quite work out.

 

That’s how it happened. Did I clear the top and take a stunning victory? Yes I did. Did they catch me? Well…I’d rather not talk about it. So anyway, I’m on the line. Anyone have a movie I could watch? I’d like to drown out Eowyn’s mocking clucks, if you don’t mind.

It’s tough being a country dog.

Happy Dog Returns!

Greetings again.

Greetings again.

 

Hi there, humans. I am the Happy Dog, and after a several-month vacation, I must breakmy silence. Though it pains me immensely, I have made peace with that traitorous cat, Fluffy  Fluffy Cattius, (Supreme Leader of the Dark Side of the Porch and of the backyard, and the only true tree-climber) who keeps writing ridiculous self-flattering fluffle  Impressive, Completely true Wonderfulness. Like I said, ridiculous self-flattering fluffle. But as it is, I have once again gotten control of the keyboard, ha, ha.

Sort of.

You’ve porbably…probably, that is, been wondering what has gone on with my crusade against Chickens and cats. Much has happened during my absence. First of all, the four baby chickens, Eowyn, Merry, Spot, and Stallion, have all grown up and are now laying lots of eggs. My assistant, Tanner, has a fondness for eggs. I say it’s all nonsense. Cheese and Chicken, that’s where it is, the two ‘ch’s. He has never been the same since he ate that egg that fell off the grill. He’s even started trying to eat brown rocks, because they look like eggs. The only upside to this is that he’s begun tunneling missions on his own accord, to get eggs. Hey, whatever works.

The four ‘bitties’ as Bekah and some of the other people call them, are the most spoiled chickens there are. Bekah herself takes them food, and they always go into spasms of joy. They jump up on the wooden door and stand there with adoring chickIMG_4060en eyes, waiting for her to open her hand and reward them with seeds. It makes me sick. Chickens are no pets, and that’s that. However, Bekah is attached to these little featherheads, even naming two of them, the yellow ones, after some of her favorite book characters.

Unfortunately, this gives the boldest, that little featherbrain Eowyn, the idea that she’s some sort of warrior princess or something, and she keeps yapping that if I come in she’s going to stick me with her sword, yelling “I am no Chicken!” Seriously? She loves to rub up against people, and Bekah rubs her head and back…it’s ridiculous, even for me. The funniest one is a red-and black mixed breed named Stallion. Stallion, for a hen? It’s complete nonsense.

Good news is that the unwanted tabby cat, Tabby, has run away. Her person recently died, and she went crazy with grief. Good riddance. She was cute and fun to chase when she was little, but she grew up to be snobby and overbearing, like all cats. Thankfully neither Dori or Fluffy liked her, so they didn’t try and make her stay. The people were upset, of course, and I felt sorry for them, but well…

Most dogs believe that cats are the root of all evil. Maybe they’re right. But no dog has ever been able to type, because of his large claws, and that’s something cats have figured out how to do. It’s strange, but it’s true, and truth is often stranger than friction.

I’ve learned to tolerate them.

Due to internal turmoil in the cages, Fort McChicken was proved uninhabitable. It was promptly scrapped. I mean, if the whole front end is smashed in, and the wire on the bottom looks like the waves on the Sea of Galilee, you have issues. I voted that the chickens be allowed to free-range, but of course I was shot down. Even Tanner voted against me, saying that chickens gave him allergies.

So some of the chickens were taken to that mystical place, Rosses-in-Jasper. I’ve never been to Jasper. I think it’s some sort of Utopia where dogs and cows and horses and chickens and pigs and people all live together in harmony. Sounds a little overrated to me. Why be at peace when you could eat them? Fluffy likes it, because apparently he has a cousin in Rosses-in-Jasper. (I believe his name is Smokey.)

The meanest, as I was saying, were sent to Utopia and our people built two new cages for them. The names are still being debated, but I believe the one made out of the old porch is called “condo” because it has two stories. What a condo is I have no idea. Maybe it’s a typeIMG_4061 of chicken sandwich. The humans have come up with this super-strong, almost impossible to get into design, called the a-frame, so called because it sort of looks like a capital A. It’s impossible to get on top of or around, because it’s a triangle. It’s only weakness is the floor, which is our target. We have two A-frames now, and the bitties are in one and the biggies are in the other. I hate them both.

And, unfortunately, frequent tunneling attempts have resulted in banishment to the doghouse perpetually. Thank goodness for laptop computers. Remember, they can imprison us, but it’s only for a little while. They usually come to their senses in the end.

Sincerely, the Happy Dog.

(P.S. from Fluffy Cattius: Don’t believe what she said about me not liking Tabby. She didn’t like me. I like everyone.)

In Christ Alone

In Christ, you're special.

In Christ, you’re special.

People today have an obsession of believing in themselves. If someone is to say that they feel sad, or that they feel like they can’t do anything right, or that they feel like a failure, people tell them:

 

“Don’t feel like that! You’re special!”

 
“You’re amazing!”

 
“You’re fine the way you are!”

 
But this is deceiving. As a matter of fact, you’re not special. You’re not someone amazing. You are a dirty failure. You’re a dreadful sinner, and you can’t do anything right, except through grace.

 

No one can. From the most well-known philanthropist, to the most infamous man all are evil. Telling someone that they are special the way they are is a lie.

 

Do not misunderstand. The Bible tells us that we are made in the image of God, and are His special creations. (Gen. 1:26-28, Ps. 139:14). He sent His Son to die for us because he loves us. But think about that for a second. He sent HIS Son, to die FOR us, because we are sinners.

 

The Bible tells us that this is most definitely not of our own doing (Eph. 2:9) but because He loved us. So then are we special? Well yes. God loves us. That makes us special. But that’s not the same kind of special. No one is amazing in and of themselves. God is who makes us special. It is only because of God that we can do any good.

 

Some people don’t like this. Some people think that it ruins self-confidence, that it makes it hard for a person to then trust themselves. But that’s preposterous. If a person feels like they are a failure, and that they can’t do anything right, then how on earth will telling them that they are fine, and amazing the way they are help them?

 

They can obviously see that they are not fine. This will only increase the depression. Point them to God, and what God has done for them. Every success you have, everything you do, praise God for it. Every time you feel down, and like a failure, remember that you are, remember that by yourself you can never be anything but that. However also remember that Jesus loves you. He alone can cleanse you. Don’t just think of yourself as beautiful, and amazing, think of how Jesus’s love can make you so. Give God the glory, not yourself.

 

King Elessar is a writer, Whovian, and Lord of the Rings guru who enjoys discussing theology, grammar, and pelicans. 

Cat Table Manners

IMG_3815
Since Clara is still continuing that ridiculous boycott of cats and destroying her own political career, I, Fluffy Cattius must take over and say something. This ‘happy dog’ post has been idle for much too long. There is so much potential in a political blog, but before I take over the world I must make a solid platform.

And since you people obviously don’t know beans about table manners, I have taken it upon myself to explain the finer points of cat etiquette. I am a cat, and I have been taught by several cats, many of whom think that they are better than me. But don’t worry, we know that every cat lives on an alternate plane than the other, and “cat-to-cat conflicts” are merely one cat overstepping his bounds, and the other one whipping him, or him whipping the other cat. But the necessary point is that I am a very cultured cat, and I will teach you what to do.

 

  • When you are with company, make a statement of who is the host of the meal. The job of a guest is to eat all the food and the job of the host is to nonverbally convince him to stop. This is a centuries old tradition by cats and is practiced all over the world.
  • If that company is cat, make sure that the cat knows that this is not their table but that you are graciously sharing, and therefore they should leave some. If they are uninvited, your job is still to be gracious and to teach them their place, so that they do not make the same embarrassing mistake again. Some brief hissing and growling usually works gorgeously.
  • If your company is human, make sure to acknowledge them with a swish of your tail and not too frequent glances up at them. If at first you don’t feel comfortable with their surveillance, let them know. They’ll get the picture and you can get used to them at your own pace. But don’t worry, there’s no chance of them taking our food because they don’t like it. To tell the truth most cats don’t either.
  • The food quality at any dinner party must be worth your while. If a cat serves below-par food, make sure that your objection is voiced. Their job is, after all, to serve you; just don’t expect much result. Cats as a rule ignore things.
  • If you are eating with someone you like, but need to keep under dominance, a little fang-hold on the back of the neck while they’re eating is in order. This is not an aggressive act, merely a gesture of domain.
  • If all else fails: ignore them. Cats don’t care anyway.

ignoring you

Open Letter to Politicians

This letter was submitted by a reader. 

 

Hello. This letter is for all the politicians out there that are counting on our votes as citizens.

Stop it! Obviously, only one of you is the best for the job, and only one of you can be elected. But the competence of a candidate has nothing to do with the propaganda that his campaign committee spits out. We the people are tired of all the negative printing and back-biting that we get in our mailboxes every day.

Not only does it become tiring to listen to and to read, it also implies the wrong things about people. Please remember, politicians, that your opponents are still people, people made in the image of the creator, and that we are people as well. If we were machines that were swayed by the volume of advertisements we get, this tactic would work, but as it is this literature gives us the impression that you don’t trust us to make our own decisions, and that you think you must spoon-feed your message to us in little, brightly colored papers.

Remember, politicians, that if someone is old enough to vote, that person has the responsibility to check the facts for themselves. Though some of the facts are necessary to vote wisely, saying the same things over and over only makes you sound like parrots. Another thing you might have forgotten is that people hate arguments, especially arguments between grown adults who should know better. If you can’t work it out between yourselves, don’t send hate mail to everyone in the district. It really isn’t our fault that you can’t get along. Besides, all this negativity will start to turn off the voters, and they might end up voting for your opponent even if they liked you better in the first place.

Then again, these arguments aren’t gonna clear up on election day. Ok, so you’ve won. But what if you’ve won by spreading lies about others? Is that really victory? Is all the muckraking worth it?

Lastly, it’s the phone calls. How you people get our numbers is beyond me, but since you don’t like telemarketers yourselves, why do you think we want all these ads? If we’re really interested, we’ll get your e-mails, if not, you’re wasting your effort anyway.

Please stop attacking one another. All is fair in love and war, but in this carnivorous profession someone is going to get hurt. I don’t know if you candidates are Christians, but if you are, please act like them. How do you get your point across? Speak the Truth in Love.

I’ll endorse no candidate here. That is the public’s responsibility, and though you can help them along, don’t try to do it for them. We’re the ones voting.

Sincerely,

A concerned voter

(Used by permission)

Happy Dog needs therapy

IMG_3809Hi there. My people have been going to doctors and asking why I am always digging under the chickens and jumping on top of the coop. There are several doctors that ask about my breed. I am very surprised. No, wait, I always knew this, my people were very surprised. You see, I am a very special dog.

Border Collie, Springer Spaniel, those were my parents. I got my collie-ness from my collie parent and my color from my half-spaniel parent. I’m proud of my heritage, but that has nothing to do with my deep psyco-rogical wounds that scar my inner—something. Heart, maybe, or gizzard.

My collie body was built for herding. Our short stature lets us roll right under the punches of cows and horses, and are we fast! Give me a herd of cattle, and I’ll leave the chickens in the dead, I mean in the coop. Wind in my fur, plenty of cows, fresh air, lots of space. That’s the life for me.

Unfortunately we have trouble. My family know knows my inner potential, but instead of hiring me off to a Cattle Ranch that will make me happy and make them money, they are thinking about SELLING me! Noooooo!

I cannot! Why should I leave? Why should they want to get rid of me? They need to reconsider. I have tried so hard to make them understand. I chase those little creeps around the coop all day, and they think I have a problem.

Set the chickens free from their caged lines! They will be happy and free. They will be safely herded by yours truly, and they can…no, my people would never do that. My assistant is too doofy for me to do that. He’s plow right in the middle of my soldiers and ruin their formation. That and his pals Rex, Ralph, Tiger, Spottie, and all of the others.

What will I do? My people just got a new cat, and now they are thinking about getting rid IMG_3815of me. Maybe the problem isn’t those evil chickens. It’s the Cats! They’re the ones turning the family against us. Because of this, I will stop writing to protest Fluffy. His secretarial skills are no longer needed, then, and I can protest this evil species to my heart’s content.

POST NOTE: Because of Ridiculous activity, no one cares whether Clara writes or not. So, I, Fluffy Cattius, will write what I want to, instead of that ridiculous canine dictating. This might seem harsh, but everyone knows that all canines are too silly to care anyway.

P.S. I hope she keeps up the protest. I’ll be here all day.

 

Freedom

Freedom is the thing longed for and fought for. However, I can say that it is possible to beg for freedom. Hi, it’s me, Happy Dog! I am free from the doghouse. I have finally convinced my people to let me off. The attack is renewed!

One strange thing that chicken farmers do is to buy new chickens every year. I’m not sure why, aren’t eleven little parasites good enough? But no, they had to get more, and now there a little baby chickens in Fort McNugget (also known as the A-frame, because of its shape) and we’re renewing our fight. We have a new ally, I think.

Cats are as a rule untrustworthy and evil. But Fluffy is showing some interest in the new chickens. I’m not sure if that will help us or not. Sure, it’s one more soldier in the fight (if all goes well) but he might take all the chickens for himself. That’s a real danger with cats you know, they get ideas. There is no loyalty to dogs.

Then again, he seems to show no interest whatsoever in the older chickens. Sure, they’re about the size of him, and there are a lot of them, but they are chickens! He could scare them off. I think if I ever catch him napping on top of the coop I’ll toss him in, just to see what happens. Then again, they might hurt him, and then no one would write my posts. Then again, maybe Dory can type.

What am I thinking? Dory is the resident grandma in our place. She’s older than most of the kids and about the size of a half-grown chicken. I seriously doubt that she can type. But she’s as tough as nails and she doesn’t like dogs. Most cats don’t. But Fluffy…actually sometimes I think he’s doing this job to make a fool out of me. I’ll be speaking to my lawyer.

Anyway, I’m free! There will be fear in the hearts of the Barred Rocks and the Americanas. There will be trembling of the sexlinks and the Wyandottes. Clara will have her revenge!

Hmm. Maybe I should come up with a new plan. I’m not sure if digging or jumping is going to work. Maybe if I found some power tools…

Freedom for all dogs!

Freedom for all dogs!

 

District 36 Race Reveals Pivot Back to Issues, Policy

The following satire was submitted by reader who wishes to remain anonymous.

The 2014 Republican primaries have been characterized by tough positions and fierce campaigns, forcing candidates to toe the line and fight for party perspectives. In the Texas Congressional District 36, the runoff battle between candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin has been an uphill battle of principles.

“The two are obviously diametrically opposed, because Babin is on the inside of a arbitrarily drawn, politically-motivated, demographically indicative line usually recognized as the border of a Congressional district,” Eddie, a concerned Lumberton voter explained, “And Streusand is not.”

The issue has taken a front-and-center position in the campaigns as voters within the arbitrary line, subject to change every decade or so, try to re-emphasize the crucial nature of the all-important district borders.

“The line is everything,” explained one campaign volunteer, “If a candidate comes from outside the line, he is out of the question. If he comes from inside the line, he is the Chosen One.”

Southeast Texans are certain that no outsider can understand the complex ideological workings of District 36, a distinct cultural and political entity that ends where the District ends.

Local party leadersTexas Congressional District 36 and Republican clubs have adopted a harsh stance on this critical issue, as they reveal how serious they really are about keeping their focus on true issues and not petty distractions like fiscal or social policy.

“People outside the lines can’t possibly gain insight into our culture or our customs. They have no clue as to what it’s like a mile away, in our district,” a Republican county leader continued.

Party leaders and journalists realize that the question of in vs. out is a crucial issue that could decide the fate of the nation, and that all other policy stances, voting records, and political experience should be utterly disregarded.

“Basically the line is the most important issue that our party is facing today. Ask yourself: are we electing leaders who are within these randomly drawn Congressional lines that are for administrative purposes only?” said a city councilman, “I think it’s the absolute most critical thing that we’re deciding in this election. Nothing else about these guys matters.”

Bob, the random policy analyst on the street, added, “We should forget all other fiscal and social issues and focus on this one. Administrative geography is the one determinate factor that distinguishes between a good guy and a bad guy. The bureaucratic products of gerrymandering known as districts are the only way we can tell if a candidate is worthy of our votes, that, and of course, the important question of whether or not this candidate has signs that are the right color.”

The race continues to heat up, as more and more people realize that the only issue worth talking about is whether or not the candidate is within the shifting, gerrymandered district line or not.

Happy Dog Bored

Hi. It’s the…well, actually, it’s the BORED dog coming from you via internet and a cat. No, my people still are keeping me in solitary confinement.

Well, I did get let off yesterday, but there was the weirdest thing there. Apparently chasing chickens is a crime that must be stopped, and so my people invested in this horrid machine that emits an ear-breaking sound every time I go near the chickens or the corn patch. It doesn’t seem to bother the people as much, strangely enough, and I can’t for the life of me understand that. Obviously it must mean that human ears are inferior to those of a dog.

Dogs do seem to have the advantage over people. We can run faster, have tougher feet, thicker skin, more legs, longer noses, and higher intellect than them. However, there is one thing that this species has that makes up for their deficiencies: opposable thumbs.

An opposable fifth digit would be so useful. Maybe I could unlock the chicken cage instead of digging under it. I might even be able to write my own articles, so that Fluffy would stop Promiseposting unflattering pictures.

Like that. That is not me, and I have no idea who it is, but Fluffy put him there. He is rather cute though, with the nice ears and the tail, and big paws…sorry, I got off subject. Cats do that to dogs. They take whatever wisdom you had in your head and replace it with…I don’t know, cotton candy. Gummy worms. Something not very smart. If you don’t believe me, look at a cat lover and tell me that they’re in their right mind. Nope. Cat deception.

I’m going nuts here. That oppressive screaming box deters me from having fun when I’m off, and when I’m on there’s nothing to do but wag my tail and sleep. Dogs, take it from someone who knows: don’t make them put you in the doghouse. There is nothing to do here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going to blame the chickens for this. They will pay dearly for this boredom.

A Happy Dog’s anger

Rats.

Rats.

Anger has been aroused in the hair house…I have been chained up for the better part of the week. Apparently, raiding the chicken house is illegal here. Think one naughty thought, and you’re history! Ok, maybe it was foolish to jump on top of the chicken house three times while Adam and Dad are riding on the lawnmower. But I never thought that they’d do that.

However, I was able to see the satisfaction of wet chickens. Their cage was in a low spot and they were standing in water up to their little clawed toes. They were mad. But I loved every bit of it.

Unfortunately, I can do like NOTHING in this doghouse. I’ve tried chewing the chain, I’ve even tried to get my assistant and my technical adviser to help. But my assistant just gave me a goofy grin and said he liked being able to have all the scraps to himself, greedy pig. And my technical adviser just laughed so hard that he almost fell out of the tree. I wish he had, so that I could toss him in the mud puddle, but he didn’t, and I’m bored.

Anyway, I’ve read how imprisoned leaders of groups, when they are imprisoned, will sometimes recite poems about holding on to themselves, like Invictus. Well, I made one up.

Chickens from the dark abyss

Will fall into my mouth,

And if by some strange chance I miss,

They will be flying south.

Hmm. That sounds better than it writes. Well, I give up. I have nothing better to do than to make up poems, because all of my pleading and whining has done absolutely nothing to sway them from their cruel imprisonment of their faithful dog. All of my looking pitiful is like looking pitiful to a tree root with about the same result.

I can’t believe they’re so heartless.

Well, until I escape, plan retaliatory strikes against the chickens in protest.

Happy Dog Pastimes

Ok, where are you guys?

Ok, where are you guys?

Ah, spring. The grass is green, the chickens are fat, and the skies are blue. Springtime can be a very strenuous season with all the  chicken hunting that needs to be done, but you need to be able to take some time off every once in a while.

Every dog needs a hobby. It can’t always be chicken combat. A dog needs something to help him relax when the throes of war hit him. On these days, I head to the shady front yard and dig for lizards.

See, we have a pileup of dead leaves lying around all over the place, and lizards like to burrow in them. I don’t understand what the advantages of a home made out of wet leaves, but lizards seem to enjoy them. When you dig up the leaves, you can find all sorts of amphibians and reptiles down there.

Of course, this hunting takes little exercise. It is merely a focus drill, where I trap the lizard with my paws, pick it up with my mouth, carry it to somewhere else, and then let it run. After a few games of lizard hide-and-seek, the lizard doesn’t want to play anymore, so I go on to the next one.

Bunny chasing is also a novelty here in the country. I’ve never caught a big one, but I have nabbed babies. My people do not approve of this, but I do it anyway. Once my assistant caught a big one and left it on the driveway. Man, were they mad! Squirrels also prove to be good racing partners. These games increase your speed and agility.

But of course, nothing compares with rounding up cattle. No, we don’t have cows. My people simply do not see the virtue of having a nice practice steer in the front yard. But there are a few not to far away that I can round up. I find intense pleasure in rounding them up into little groups. However, their owners do not.

But these are simply exercises meant to sharpen my mind and make me faster and more alert, so I can chase chickens!

Chicken Advertising

Chickens: they aren't warriors.

Chickens: they aren’t warriors.

Hello. It’s me, Happy Dog (or GOOD DOG, if you like it better) and me, Fluffy, who writes for her. She can’t read. Because you all are so kind with your mice, and have been reading my nice little rants against chicken-kind, I’d like to relate a classic conversation between two of our chickens, Jezebel and Blaze.

Blaze:   Good morning, Jezebel.
Jezebel:   Now see here! What do you mean a good morning? Was yesterday any worse?
B:   Um, no. I just was wondering if you were done with the nesting box. That dog has been staring at us for about an hour and I was wondering if I could go in there to lay my nice little brown egg in peace.
J:   Well, no, you can’t. I haven’t laid my egg yet and it’s safer in here. Go lay it in one of the other boxes.
B:   Well, that’s just it, my sister is in one, and yours is in another, and there is a line three chickens deep to get into the other two. That dog spooks us into governmental regulation, it seems. Besides, you already laid two hours ago. You’ve been in there for a while
J: Not like we don’t need a little governmental regulation. I’d fancy myself an excellent queen. But until that dog leaves, I’m not leaving either.

At this point Blaze went off and laid her egg somewhere else. I had the satisfaction of chasing her around and making threatening gestures. Tee hee. If I can’t have them, I’ll make their lives miserable.

The only problem is that our people have some strange pleasure in naming their chicks names from books and movies, which alters their personality and gives them strange powers. We have a simply annoying hen who believes herself to be the wizard Radagast from the Hobbit movies. My sidekick (the dog, not the cat. From now on, I’ll call the cat my technical adviser) tried to talk her out of it but she kept waving her little stick and making him change colors. Man, those chickens can be WIERD.

That’s one of the reasons we need to get rid of chickens. I have no problem with people having pet dogs or cats. Hey, I’ll even be lenient and say hamsters, mice, rabbits and parrots are acceptable. But I draw the line at chickens. When children call their chickens Caspian, Anakin or Eowyn, they are using magic that they don’t understand. The last thing this world needs is more chickens touting swords and lightsabers.

So now you understand what a public menace these chickens are, and how they need to be stopped. I hope this post helps you understand that chickens should not be given names that they do not deserve. If nothing else, people, do not give your chickens the names of ninja-jedi-superhero-people. Please call them understandable things, like Nugget, Strips, Griller, Sandwich, Salad….there are infinite possibilities.

A Happy dog’s Agenda

Hi. The Hget rid of chickensappy Dog has returned! Yay me. Ok, well, I see that a lot of you dogs have been reading these posts. I hope that they inspire you to attack the chickies in your life. But I’ve been talking with my assistants, and we have decided that we need to step it up a notch.

Actually, I had to talk to them one at a time. I was going to talk with them together, but, well, one is a cat. My other assistant, Tanner, chased him under the pickup and that ended our meeting. No one said that having a cat on your team was easy. We communicate by me barking at the roof and him yowling down replies. These meetings are getting annoying because someone thinks that I’m trying to attack him and keeps “intervening” thus cutting short negotiations.

I sometimes wonder about having a cat on my team. He really doesn’t care a lick about chickens. But he is the only one with small enough paws to use a computer. If I ever figure out that trick, I’m replacing him.

But I didn’t come here to write about Fluffy. I came here so he could write about how to get rid of chickens. My assistants and I decided that we needed to spread anti-chicken propaganda all over the internet.

Unfortunately, Fluffy has not figured out how to do that yet. So the next best thing is to print out lots of posters and carry them all over the neighborhood. Each one will say something like this.

get rid of chickens

I think we did a good job. Anyway, there are several ways to get the word out. You can also tell people. Barking at cars is a good idea. Sometimes there are dogs there, and even if there isn’t, at least the driver gets the idea that we mean business.

So keep up your barking. If we get enough people knowing about it, or if my assistant somehow figures out how to use facebook, we can do a lot to repel this big invasion of chickens. Of course, we’ll need help from all you dogs out there.

A Happy Dog’s plan

Note: Due to like 5 facebook likes, Happy Dog has agreed to share some of her campaign secrets, because she is on the dog line and can’t do anything to stop us.

Hi there. It’s me again. I am a bit tied up right now, but I’m hoping that if I get a good enough following, some of you dogs might, I don’t know, try to attack the chickens yourselves. In case you are wondering, here are some strategies on how to approach a chicken coop without being caught.

1. Observe the behavior of the chickens closely. Figure out who is the alpha chicken

Watch the chickens to find out which ones to attack.

Watch the chickens to find out which ones to attack.

and who is the fattest. These two factors are very important. Observing chickens is very easy. Since most chicken cages are made out of chicken wire or at least wire mesh, all a dog has to do is sit down with your nose at most one and a half inch away from the wire, and follow those feathery things with your head.

This action must be done very carefully. Any revelation of a tongue or a wagging tail could give you away. It is a good idea to select the leader as your target and to make sure that they aren’t the kind that attacks dogs. We have a hen named Jezebel that likes to peck and scratch. We avoid her.

2. Find a weak spot in their defenses. This may be harder to do undetected than simply watching. This step includes digging a small hole under an intersection and sticking your nose in it to test depth, jumping on top of the pen, and scratching at the wires. If you fail to do it when no one is looking, they will chain you up for trying to break in.

Plotting the demise of those crooked little chickies is exhausting.

Plotting the demise of those crooked little chickies is exhausting.

3. Of course, the actual break-in must go on at night, so make sure to get a lot of rest in the daytime. I would say that 5 to 6 hours is a good limit. You must get a lot of sleep so that you can do your reconnaissance and actual attack after the family and the BB guns are asleep.

4. Pick your followers carefully. If you don’t do this right, you might get stuck with the average mutt that doesn’t care for revenge, just likes chewing wood. Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying much attention and was stuck with such an assistant. He chewed up the lid to the nesting box so loudly that the family woke up before the raid was complete. But I’ll have my chance.

5. Find out when your people go on vacation. Sometimes pet watchers can be careless. Always be prepared to jump out at a moment’s notice. And before hand, make up a good reputation, so they will never suspect.

Well, Good Dogs, I hope you will take my advice and get the invaders in your neighborhoods. If we all work together, inflamed with passion against the infidel chickies…sorry, wrong word. If we work together, we will be able to drive out the invaders, and the country will be in peace once more!

Fort McChicken

Confessions of a happy dog

My torment must cease. We must disarm Fort McChicken.

My torment must cease. We must disarm Fort McChicken.

Hi. I’m not going to reveal my name, but I must admit that I am being tortured by my own lusts. I cannot help it, I see a chicken, and imagine drumsticks and wings with barbecue sauce.

I used to be a perfectly normal dog. I fetched sticks and ran off with them, I tolerated cats, was faithful to my people, and never bit the baby. I always did my best to chase off deliverymen and UPS people, I never stole food off the table. And then they came.

I was surprised when my kids began building a large wooden structure in the backyard. I had a vague suspicion that it might be a kennel, but I kept my distance. I had no suspicions of what would happen next. It hit me like a freight train.

 

Twelve cheeping chickies. As soon as I saw them my whole being changed. Instead of being a faithful dog, protector of all life on the property except cats, I became a skulking, restless being that wanted chicken. Those chicks ruined my life. So I ruined theirs.

But suddenly my family was upset when I destroyed the dinners—um, I mean chicken invaders. Maybe because my lieutenant thought that they were chew toys and was playing with them when the kids went outside. Suddenly I was a hated dog. All of the girls and younger kids began sobbing and Adam hit me in the head with a shovel. I didn’t understand.

Then they began building large fortified areas for their chickie-friends, Fort McChicken & Fort McNugget. No amount of chewing or digging can wipe the silly cheeps from their faces. We keep getting more! Soon we will be overrun by chickens!

So I have decided to start a campaign to rid the world from these feathery pests. I think all dogs will agree with me that chickens are the root of all evil, and I hope they will join me in demilitarizing the forts that keep those little sneaks safe. Everyone knows that what we need to do is to be at peace with all creatures. We should pull down the walls, join paws with the dinners…chickens, and then join for a banquet.

Celebration. Sorry.

Are you with me?

Olivia Althoff: The Development of Stalin

Stalin, the unusual and despotic Russian leader

Stalin, the unusual and despotic Russian leader

During the Cold War, Joseph Stalin was the supreme ruler of the USSR. Stalin was known for being shrewd and controlling in his position. This was mostly due to his past experiences before the Cold War, including his family life as well as the political unrest he was raised in. While in control, about 20 million people died an unnatural death. Those that died suffered from starvation from found guilty of a crime and were killed. Several past experiences shaped Stalin into the despot he was during the cold war.

Joseph Stalin was born in 1878 in a small village in Georgia, which at the time was a province under the control of Russia.  Joseph’s surroundings, during the early part of his life , had a big impact on him. His family had very little money. His Father worked as a cobbler while Joseph’s mother worked as a housekeeper. Stalin’s father was abusive towards both he and his mother and eventually his father left the family. Because of his relationship with his father Stalin became very mistrusting.

Not only was Stalin’s personal life unstable, but also the political situation of the 1900’s was in turmoil.  At that time, the Russian leader, Tsar Nicholas II, was being strongly opposed by the people of Russia.  Eventually this unrest led to revolution between the Bolshevik party and the provincial government. Stalin became increasingly interested in the revolution and eventually joined the Bolshevik party.  As one might assume, this revolution gave hope to the young Stalin that life was better than what he what he had experienced when he was younger.

Although Joseph Stalin had no particular interest in the religious life, Stalin’s mother enrolled him into the seminary when he was 16. Even though Stalin was able to pass the seminary exams, he was expelled from the seminary because he missed the final exams. After leaving the seminary, Stalin became heavily involved in the revolution against the Tsar. This was due to the fact that he had stumbled onto writings of Vladimir Lenin; who was the leader of the Bolsheviks.

Stalin’s first wife, Ekaterina Svanidze, had a big impact on Stalin. They married in 1906 but Ekaterina died shortly after in 1907. At her funeral, Stalin was said to say,” This creature softened my heart of stone. She died and with her died my last warm feelings for humanity.” While Ekaterina was still alive, she bore one son, Yakov Dzhugashvil. Yakov joined the red army then was later captured by Nazi troops during WWII. Stalin refused to rescue Yakov, who died in a concentration camp. Later, most of Stalins first wife’s family was killed during Stalin’s Great Purge. Because of how deeply his wife’s death had an effect on him, Stalin was never the same thereafter.

Stalin’s revolutionary life became the beginnings of his political career. After being expelled from seminary, Stalin went underground. As a revolutionary, he went by the name Koba. In 1907, He played a major role in the organization of the Tiflis Bank Robbery. The Bolshevik party carried out this robbery but historians dispute whether or not Stalin actually participated in the robbery itself.

A life of crime and hardship effected Stalin’s outlook on life. It is not hard to see how Stalin used his later power to commit crime without consequence. This included several purges as well as hunger and starvation for the country of Russia.

Stalin”s involvement in the Communist party increased after he met Vladimir Lenin in 1905.  In 1912, Stalin became the news editor for the Bolshevik party”s newspaper, the Pravda. Stalin then was soon appointed into the central committee of the Bolshevik party.  Stalin was caught by the police and exiled seven times to Siberia for his revolutionary actions. It is not hard to imagine that being exiled to Siberia had an effect on Stalin. Later he would track down most of his fellow prisoners and have them killed on false charges.

Although Stalin was not seen as a politically significant figure in the Bolshevik party, he was able to maneuver himself into the position of General Secretary. The Bolshevik party leader, Vladimir Lenin, became very sick and eventually died. Before he died, Lenin wrote urging Stalin’s removal from his post as General Secretary saying, “Stalin is too coarse and this defect, although quite tolerable in our midst and in dealing among us Communists, becomes intolerable in a Secretary-General. That is why I suggest that the comrades think about a way of removing Stalin from that post and appointing another man in his stead who in all other respects differs from Comrade Stalin in having only one advantage, namely, that of being more tolerant, more loyal, more polite and more considerate to the comrades, less capricious, etc.” Although Lenin did request Stalin’s removal, the letter was never released to the public and so Stalin was able to remain in his post as general secretary. Using his position, Stalin took over the communist party and thereby became the despot of Russia.
Before the cold war, Stalin’s early leadership foreshadowed Stalin’s character. His first main objective: push Russia to become as industrialized as the Western World. He accomplished his goal by initializing the Five-Year Plan. The Five-Year-Plan was a set of objectives to achieve in a record five years.

Part of the Five year Plan was to collectivize farming; this meant that around 25 million farmers were forced onto state farms. As a result, about 20 million people starved because they could not produce enough food for themselves and the government. Stalin waved these tragedies aside claiming that Russia had never been so prosperous. Around the 1930’s Stalin also initiated the first of his great purges. Stalin tried and executed about half of the Communist party members. This included several of his top generals which would come back to haunt Russia as they participated in World War II with weak military leadership.

When World War II broke, Stalin, fearing invasion from Germany, signed a non-aggression pact with Germany. Germany broke this treaty and Russia was invaded. However, when the harsh Russian winter struck, German troops were forced to retreat. Stalin was set now against Germany, becoming an ally to Britain, France, and soon America.  Stalin’s alignment with the allies was the first step in the development of the Cold War.

Although Joseph Stalin did advance Russia to become a super power and eventually one of the major players in the Cold War, he was a cruel and hard man, caring little for humanity. Several experiences in his deplorable life contributed. During Stalin’s early life, his family life was very unstable and undesirable.  Because of his situation he was influenced to become a part of the Bolshevik party. While in the party, Stalin committed mass crime and was exiled to Siberia. When Stalin came to power, he had several million people killed, while 20 million people starved because of his Five- Year plans. Even though his actions propelled Russia into a new age, Stalin remained a heartless cold, human being.