Irrational Geographic: Beware of the Pterry Hunters

Authorities are cautioning citizens to avoid a popular phone game for safety reasons, and for good reason, according to Social Commentator Callie Chip.

The game in question, Dino Hunters, was designed for mobile devices and involves players searching the skies for a virtual flying dinosaur, or Pterry. The Pterrys are GPS tethered to satellites, helicopters, and airplanes orbiting earth. Players must point their phones to the skies and keep their eyes on them to make sure they don’t miss a rare Pterry.

“This is just a recipe for disaster.” Security analyst Rob Gig says. “We have people with their eyes on the skies, walking around, not looking where they’re going. People have fallen into stairwells, ran into poles, and tripped over fences, because they don’t see them. They’re also walking into roads. We haven’t had any accidents, because our drivers are responsible, but a Pterry Hunter did hold up traffic for over an hour on Thursday.”

The player in question, Melissa Meg, caused the traffic jam when she stepped onto the road and stayed there, chasing an elusive Pterry. Motorists were unwilling to psychologically harm the pedestrian, so they simply waited for her to leave. “I’m really proud of how they managed the situation.” Police Chief Sam Wills told reporters. “They’re really making the best of a bad situation.”

Other incidents have involved Pterry Hunters walking into residential homes, mistaking ceiling fans for satellites. “A man rushed into my house a few days ago.” 75-year-old Green hills resident Sally Sween reported, obviously shaken by the experience. “I was afraid for my life, but then I noticed he was only interested in my ceiling fan. I told him he could have it.”

Still other problems occur when Pterry Hunters take to the roads to hunt their prey from moving vehicles. “We have had reports of distracted and destructive driving.” Chief Wills report. “Some players just turn when they see a Pterry, regardless of whether or not there’s a turn nearby. One accident has occurred, but both motorists have good lawyers, so I’m sure it will turn out all right.”

“The Dino Hunters game is extremely dangerous.” Social Commentator Callie Chip told us. “It’s turning people into mindless zombies. People aren’t looking where they’re going, they’re breaking rules, trespassing, even doing things that could potentially harm themselves and others. Either the people who created this game are ignorant of the results, or they’re trying to create chaos.”

“I really like the game.” Dylan Falk, a Pterry chaser we met on the street, commented. “It’s fun to play the game and get outside to chase them. It makes it more difficult. But you have to be careful. It’s not for anyone.”

We asked him if he’d be willing to chase Pterrys anywhere. “No way.” He laughed. “No game is worth getting killed for.”

Irrational Geographic: New Revelations about Ancient Egypt

pharaohs

Archaeologists in Cairo have made new discoveries that might change the face of history. According to Dr. Asyut Aswan, an archaeologist who led a team of researchers down to investigate ancient tombs of some merchants, they have discovered ancient references to Global Warming and Pollution.

Aswan released his findings at a press conference in Luxor. His people found ancient inscriptions in the tomb showing pictures of the sun and of the desert. According to his leading Egyptologists, there are hieroglyphics detailing that the desert was hot and the sun was bright.

“This must mean something important, because they wouldn’t write what everyone knows. Obviously, these inscriptions must mean that there was some sort of excessive heating epidemic in Egypt at this time. This discovery might prove that climate change is true, because of the intelligence of the ancients.”

However, Cici LeBlanc, an archaeologist intern that is currently on a dig in South America, wrote to us that she disagreed. “Often these tomb reliefs show scenes from everyday life. We see paintings of hunting and of farming, and we don’t think anything of it. Suddenly, Dr. Aswan finds a painting of the sun on the desert and assumes that it means something different.” Miss LeBlanc’s views are not widely held, however, as most leading scientists are on the side of Dr. Asyut.

Dr. Asyut sent out a press release Monday, in which he dismissed any doubts by Miss LeBlanc. “The Ancients were very brilliant. They built the pyramids without any power tools or modern cranes. We have every reason to believe that these reliefs depict climate change, because they were so advanced that they must have come to the same conclusions we have.” He also stated that Miss LeBlanc’s claims were unsubstantiated because “she simply hasn’t been in the field long enough to understand the true nature of Archaeology.”

If these tombs do indeed show climate change to be an issue, historians might finally be able to unlock the mysteries of ancient Egypt. According to History Weekly, there is a model being developed that fits climate change as one of the factors for the “plagues” attributed to the deity of the Hebrews in Exodus.

Dr. Aswan says that his purposes are purely scientific in searching out ancient mentions of climate change. “I only wish to show the world how the theory of Climate Change has been a founding factor in world history, and that those who speak against it don’t know what they are talking about.”

 

Irrational Geographic: Big Hogs Initiative

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

With a healthy population and determined outlook on life, the wild boar population of Texas is doing its part to control the greedy agricultural capitalists set on destroying Nature’s balance, exploiting poor consumers, and killing faultless farm animals.

“They are really just misunderstood animals. They’re nothing but beautiful—it’s entirely unfounded to not … to not love them,” said Raddi Cahl, a dedicated environmentalist, in the hospital after attempting to hug a member of a rambunctious Texas hog herd.

The hogs incur millions, almost billions of dollars of damage every year, a step forward considering that Texas is one of “those” states that abuses its animal population to prevent mere trivialities like starvation and poverty.

Infinitely majestic and sporting patchy hair, diseased skin, and excessive filth, the wild hog population, the experts agree, does not deserve to be driven out or harmed in any way just because it prevents selfish farmers and land-owners from utilizing their capitalist-geared property for money-making purposes. Lobbyists have already presented the case to Washington, and say that they are making progress.

“They aren’t a bit willing to preserve this environmental marvel, and they’ll take to shooting these poor darling creatures from helicopters before they’ll tolerate dead livestock, spoiled crops, ransacked fields, and ruined careers and livelihoods. Altogether selfish, short-sighted, and just not fitting,” said William Grey, an upstate New York resident who said he had a farmer in his family tree “at some point in the past fifteen generations.”

“I understand exactly how these farmers feel. I have farming in my blood, I mean, at least as close as just fifteen generations ago,” Grey added, “And this is wholly inappropriate and just … selfish and capitalist.”

Irrational Geographic has launched a new initiative to protect these incredible creatures: the Big Hogs Initiative. You can help defeat these selfish farmers and score a victory for these special hogs—all seven million of them—and all the while protect the environment. All you’ll have to do is pay us money: it’s that simple.