Life at the Top and the Bottom: Homeschooling Through High School

Homeschooling through high school means that you're on the top, on the bottom, don't have to ask to go to the bathroom, and can wear  cloaks if you feel like it.

Homeschooling through high school means that you’re on the top, on the bottom, don’t have to ask to go to the bathroom, and can wear cloaks if you feel like it.

 

Many people have questions and curiosities about life as a homeschooled high school student.

 

“Do your family’s students get a home economics credit for doing the dishes?”

“How do you teach integral calculus?”

“Where in heaven’s name did you get such a nice transmission electron microscope?”

“Is school violence a major issue—are there gangs or bullies?”

“Is that a pipe organ in your living room?” 

 

I am asked these questions and many more hundreds of times each year; usually I say “no comment” or refer the askers to my press secretary or my cat. However, at last I have taken the time to personally answer a few of them; do keep in mind, however, that no two homeschools are alike.

 

School Sports

My school football team has never lost a game. Consequently, we have never played a game, either, and none of us know how to play football. That’s beside the point—the point is that we are doing better than Lumberton High School.

 

School Music

This homeschool has a thriving music program. Currently there is a nose-flute virtuoso in middle school here; we had a banjo player until last year, when we banished him to an apartment and gifted his instrument with the ultimate banjo mute (a.k.a, the sledgehammer).

 

College Preparation

Two thirds of my school’s students have learned to like coffee by at least their sophomore years; the other third has not yet reached its—or, well, her—sophomore year.

 

School Lunches

There is no policy forbidding me from bringing, cooking, dissecting, or hunting my lunch. Usually the school lunches are quite good, unless the freshman home economics class is in charge for the week. (I failed the home economics class the first time around after catching the stove on fire.)

 

Science Experiments

My school has never had a lab safety issue or explosion, and the school’s decontamination shower has never been used. (Once some potassium permanganate stained the kitchen countertop, but it blended with the pattern anyway.) Personally, I have only eaten one science experiment; I’m still alive and maybe with superhuman powers to boot.

 

School Violence

My cat kills things, but usually just mice or Entergy workers. The facility is monitored 24/7 by sniper-archer-ninja freshmen sitting on the roof.

 

Socialization

Do not worry about it. I talked to a person once and despite that I think I’m still turning out alright.

 

Home Economics

Chores-for-grades is a simple system my homeschool has developed for making the most of the home economics experience. Target practice and science experiments are integrated to help with the first-time cake failures and carbonized animal tissues.

 

Field Trips

Personally, I am quite taken with the field just west of my house—lovely for geological expeditions. I found a baby armadillo there not too long ago.

 

Calculus? Quantum physics?

Two words: Khan Academy.

 

School Dress Code

Pajamas are acceptable, but chainmail, swim suits, lab coats, or sometimes jeans are also acceptable. The freshman prefers wearing cloaks and chainmail, but I—the junior or senior or whatever you would like to call me—am nocturnal, so it is of little consequence anyhow.

 

School Spirit

Like many high schools, my homeschool likes to show school spirit. My family mainly does this by having pep rallies around the dinner table and then watching DIVE videos* together.

 

Letter Jackets

I actually learned my alphabet long, long ago. I see no use in wearing letters at this stage of the game.

 

Competition

My sister once whacked me upside the head after I beat her at chess. Other than that, student rivalry has not been a significant factor in academics or trips to the emergency room.

 

 In conclusion,

hopefully this has answered a few of your most pressing questions. But again, remember—not all homeschools are all alike, and not many homeschools have such great football teams.

 

*For the uninitiated: DIVE is homeschool celebrity Dr. Shormann’s lifesaving curriculum. Best thing since the Pythagorean theorem.

 

No Grounds for Arresting the Groundhog

groundhog

“There are no grounds for arresting this groundhog.” says Phil’s lawyer.

Police in Merrimack, New Hampshire, have issued a warrant for Punxsutawney Phil, the celebrity groundhog given the annual task of either predicting an early spring or six more weeks of winter.

Police claim that “we have received several complaints from the public that this little varmint is held up in a hole, warm and toasty … He told several people that winter would last 6 more weeks, however he failed to disclose that it would consist of mountains of snow!”

In addition to this wild claim, they allege that Phil is “armed and dangerous.”

However, according to New Hampshire law, Phil has done nothing to deserve the warrant—it’s a “gross violation of free speech and personal liberty,” according to several legal experts.

“If Phil were the cause of this snow, we might have legal grounds to arrest him,” said policy analyst Rachel Clark, “However, Phil did not cause the snow, he only predicted it. This is a textbook example of the ‘post hoc ergo propter hoc’ fallacy.”

Clark continued, “Predicting an event and publicly announcing it is a form of free speech that we need to protect. Weathermen and groundhogs don’t deserve arrest for wrongly predicting weather.”

Protesters are rising up in support of the groundhog, and many of them are saying that the entire ordeal is strictly unconstitutional. Punxsutawney Phil did not sign a legal contract, but did agree to the Groundhog Ceremony several days ago, his lawyer tells us.

“He was only told to look for his shadow, nothing more,” the groundhog’s spokesman explained.

The Groundhog controversy is expected to heavily influence the upcoming Merrimack elections, and state police are closely monitoring the volatile situation.

Co-written by Joshua Swearingen. 

NASA announces radical step forward, is met with opposition

NASA press conference revealing the agency's official and controversial switch to Starfleet uniforms.

NASA press conference revealing the agency’s official and controversial switch to Starfleet uniforms.

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced Thursday afternoon that the agency is “moving forward” by officially switching to Star Trek’s Starfleet Next Generation uniforms.

 

Bolden says, “NASA has brought innovation, growth, and scientific advancement to the world—and beyond—for decades. I believe that this is one more important step to the future.”

 

Supporters cite NASA’s numerous achievements and inventions, including improvements in water filters and the moon landing, but opponents suspect that there has been an underground lobbying deal with a cosplay corporation.

 

Original Series Star Trek fans are frustrated by the decision, after many years of lobbying for their own cause; Doctor Who fans are perplexed and objected, pointing out the need for long, colorful scarves. Tea Party leaders who support NASA are calling the latter group “unpatriotic limeys.”

 

“Progress always meets its opponents,” President Obama said, affirming Bolden’s decision, “Flat-earthers are going to oppose every inch of forward progress that our administration makes, including this.”

 

Meanwhile, congressmen are splitting on the issue. Some are sticking to their promises of fiscal limitations and claiming that new uniforms on such a large scale are unnecessary, while others are whole-heartedly embracing the idea.

 

“I think it’ll meet with some stiff opposition, and it’s quite probable that some right-wing fringes in the House will oppose it because of the costs—which are quite minute really—and I’m catching wind of some heavy, heavy disagreements on the left. Reid claims that he’s a diehard fan of the Original Series and can’t stand Picard,” Political analyst and Star Trek fan Kirk LaForge explained, “But all in all, if no lawsuits are filed and no bills submitted, it could remain in place. As I hope it will.”

Of Trolls and Belligerence: A Truthful Satire

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

If you’ve ever mustered the courage to venture into the “comments” section of a YouTube video, you surely know how truly treacherous it can be.

If you haven’t…well…I advise against it.  You see, the perusing of particularly putrid postings has many discomforting and somewhat horrifying side effects, including but not limited to: nausea, vomiting, depression, decreased brain cells, increased hemorrhoidal activity, and the complete loss of hope for humanity.

Though I’ve never quite set keyboard into this magical place of profanity and logical fallacies, I have observed, studied, and documented many of the creatures that inhabit it.

The documentation of a few of these creatures and their behavior is as follows and may be used as a guideline for combating those that dare conflict you.

The Troll.  I start with the troll as it is, sadly, the most common of all beasts.  It secretes sarcasm as a fish secretes slime.  It writhes in it.  It feeds on the attention it receives from its most likely uber-controversial comment.  Remember, when (not if) you stumble upon a troll, you must resist the immediate urge to unleash your wrath upon it.  Don’t feed the trolls.

The Grammar Nazi.  The Grammar Nazi lurks in only the darkest corners of the comments section, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims that have sealed their own fates by making simple grammatical and spelling errors.  I believe these to be a subspecies of trolls as they have similar preying tactics and feeding habits.  Most of these mongrels see themselves as if they were on a grammatical jihad to purge the world of those that butcher the English language.  Should one ever cross your path, the safest defense is to ignore it. However, if you can lure it into its own trap (which shouldn’t be entirely difficult as most are millennials that don’t know a preposition from a fuzzy lump of dog crud) this will catch it quite off guard.

The Anti-Patriot. These good-fer-nuthin’ varmints, as I affectionately call them, will tell you anything and everything that’s wrong with America (whether you asked for it or not).  No matter what the original content pertained to, these freedom-hating vermin will distort it to fit their ideology. I once spotted one trying to say that the entire state of Georgia was inhabited by overweight people.  This was because “Macon” (a town in Georgia) sounds a great deal like “bacon” and it figured that was a good enough case.  I promptly choked on my cheerios.  The best defense is just to throw out a few facts, it’ll often leave without another word.

The Potty-Mouth.  This is a particularly hostile animal who’s personality quite resembles a dimwitted mule.  You see, it rarely has a real (much less valid) argument, rather, it just flaunts its ability to make a lumberjack blush.  It uses excessive profanity and insults as an attempt get its otherwise dull or baseless point across.  Despite all of this, its kind consists almost entirely of boys between the ages of nine and thirteen, rendering them mostly harmless.  The easiest way to rid them of your presence, should you wish not to have an incredibly foul comment thread, is simply to block them.  They’re just not worth your time.

These were just four of the more common blood-boiling ignoramuses that reveal their stupidity whilst chattering about on a keyboard.  And this just barely scratches the surface of internet ignorance.

President Obama Announces Plan for Jobs Growth

White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest Holds Daily Briefing

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest describes the President’s new jobs growth plan.

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama’s newest lame-duck project, the American Jobs and Reinvestment Act of 2014 (AJRA) offers up a bold new plan for United States jobs growth: nuking most populated areas of the country.

 

After the planned nuclear cataclysm, labor supply will be reduced sufficiently so that those seeking work won’t find it difficult to get.

 

“And on top of this, the destruction of most of U.S. civilization will leave a lot of jobs to be done—I think we’ll see a boom in housing, development, building sectors, possibly agriculture, and so much more,” said Jason Furman, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers.

 

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained: “The President will not be satisfied until every American who wants work can find a job. That’s why he is working to grow our economy, so middle class families feel confident in their futures and their children’s futures. Well, I mean, depends on if your kids survive … but you get the idea.”

 

Among other things, the first stage of the law’s enactment incentivizes finding a friend or family member and swapping a dollar bill back and forth for fifteen minutes every day to increase economic activity. The AJRA includes a provision that checks will be sent to eligible U.S. households, for the express purpose of being thrown into the wind—hopefully to reach some wind-energy farms and subsequently boost jobs growth.

 

After that, nuclear bombs will be placed in strategically significant cities throughout the nation and then set off; as a result, key American industries will receive a much-needed boost.

 

“New houses will need to be built, all agriculture will need to relocate, and manufacturers of all sorts will find plenty of demand,” continued Furman.

 

He went on to say that while opponents in Congress are calling this plan “radical” and “dangerous,” it is not much different from the government’s response to the financial crisis of  2008 and is extremely similar to President Roosevelt’s New Deal after the Great Depression.

 

“This is common-sense economic policy that has been tried many times before,” the President said, “It’s a natural extension of the policy we’ve been pursuing since 2008.”

 

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) added, “The whole purpose of this legislation is to up spending, consumer confidence, and get the money flowing back into the economy. In the second stage, we’ll self-induce a nuclear apocalypse.”

 

“Increased economic activity is what it will take for Americans to get the jobs and wages that they need and deserve. American industry and small businesses shouldn’t be shutting down—they should be growing and expanding. My new plan will do something to help get business back on its feet again,” President Obama concluded.

 

Democrats change position on minimum wage

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

WASHINGTON – The Democrat Party is considering changing its policy on the minimum wage in light of last week’s election results. Sen. Kay Hagan (D-NC) explained it as a “part of our long-term plan to adapt and overcome.”

“People see the federal minimum wage as roadblock in their path to better jobs. It prevents low-skill workers like senators and teenagers from getting their foot in the door and getting a chance to do better,” said Rep. George Miller (D-CA), who will retire in January.

“We must show that we’re flexible, that we can get over our losses,” continued Hagan, “And part of this will be to accept the will of the American people.”

Hagan and her fellow lame-duck democrat senators are concerned that once they retire from office, high minimum wages could be a problem and that even at current rates, they won’t be able to work at their choice of fast food joints.

As low-skill workers with entry-level experience in private sector jobs, the Senate’s banished democrats are now facing difficult decisions: more lucrative jobs—at Starbucks and Cracker Barrel, for instance—are more than likely not available.

Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) expressed earlier this week that he wants to work in higher-end retail, but nobody in the state is willing to pay minimum wage for him.

Sen. Hagan, in the closing remarks of an interview on Saturday, suggested that she may be in favor of complete abolishment of the federal minimum wage altogether and that she hopes there’s a 7/11 somewhere in North Carolina that will accept her application.

Of Politicians and Hobbits (spoiler warning)

frodo23Frodo Baggins is a lot like a politician.

He inherits a problem—an evil ring of power—from his uncle, who’s become overly attached to it and doesn’t understand all the problems it can cause (just like the others who previously owned the ring).

Frodo’s given the task of destroying it.

 

Almost immediately Frodo is trailed by a completely succumbed previous ring-bearer. This creature, known as Gollum, has killed for possession of the ring before and would do it again.

 

Meanwhile, Frodo is fighting and vowing to not become like Gollum; yet it’s practically unavoidable. The enchantment is too strong.

ryan and frodo

 

The insane previous ring-bearer offers to “help” Frodo and his bodyguard, Sam. He’s going to walk them to Mordor for the sole purpose of destroying the ring. But not before carefully triggering some infighting, separating Frodo and Sam, and then leading dazed Frodo into a giant spider’s lair.

gollum and smeagol

 

At the crucial moment, as he’s about to cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom, he decides the ring is mine. It would have remained so, but the previous ring-bearer lunges forward and gruesomely steals it—and in the fray, falls into the fire.

it's mine, bros

 

After a little drama, Frodo and Sam walk home. Frodo is left with lasting scars, Sam returns to the Shire that he originally left with the sole purpose of protecting (along with Mr. Frodo, of course), and both of them are considered strange hobbits for the rest of their days.

quayle and bush

Obama: “We don’t have a strategy yet”

we don't have a strategy yet

President Obama wore a light tan suit for the second time in recorded history last wednesday.

WASHINGTON – After the onset of nuclear war, an epidemic of a lethal airborne respiratory virus that slowly transforms humans into rabid flying squirrels, and the beginning of the end of the world, President Obama said at a Wednesday press conference that he does not have a strategy.

“I don’t want to put the cart before the horse,” he said, “We don’t have a strategy yet.”

He went on to explain, “We need to make sure that we’ve got clear plans, that we’re developing them. At that point, I will consult with Congress and make sure that their voices are heard … but there’s no point in me asking for action on the part of Congress before I know exactly what it is that is going to be required for us to get the job done.”

The President later stated that he will decide when and how to take action in a couple of weeks (assuming the earth is still in existence) after he consults with top political donors and politically correct celebrities, and after several days of intense golfing.

“I can’t rush my decision,” he continued, “Whatever strategy I develop needs to be the right one, for the American people and the world.”

President Obama made no further remarks on the doomsday situation on planet earth nor on his second wearing of a light suit, noting that “it’s five o’ clock and the day is over.”

Irrational Geographic: New Revelations about Ancient Egypt

pharaohs

Archaeologists in Cairo have made new discoveries that might change the face of history. According to Dr. Asyut Aswan, an archaeologist who led a team of researchers down to investigate ancient tombs of some merchants, they have discovered ancient references to Global Warming and Pollution.

Aswan released his findings at a press conference in Luxor. His people found ancient inscriptions in the tomb showing pictures of the sun and of the desert. According to his leading Egyptologists, there are hieroglyphics detailing that the desert was hot and the sun was bright.

“This must mean something important, because they wouldn’t write what everyone knows. Obviously, these inscriptions must mean that there was some sort of excessive heating epidemic in Egypt at this time. This discovery might prove that climate change is true, because of the intelligence of the ancients.”

However, Cici LeBlanc, an archaeologist intern that is currently on a dig in South America, wrote to us that she disagreed. “Often these tomb reliefs show scenes from everyday life. We see paintings of hunting and of farming, and we don’t think anything of it. Suddenly, Dr. Aswan finds a painting of the sun on the desert and assumes that it means something different.” Miss LeBlanc’s views are not widely held, however, as most leading scientists are on the side of Dr. Asyut.

Dr. Asyut sent out a press release Monday, in which he dismissed any doubts by Miss LeBlanc. “The Ancients were very brilliant. They built the pyramids without any power tools or modern cranes. We have every reason to believe that these reliefs depict climate change, because they were so advanced that they must have come to the same conclusions we have.” He also stated that Miss LeBlanc’s claims were unsubstantiated because “she simply hasn’t been in the field long enough to understand the true nature of Archaeology.”

If these tombs do indeed show climate change to be an issue, historians might finally be able to unlock the mysteries of ancient Egypt. According to History Weekly, there is a model being developed that fits climate change as one of the factors for the “plagues” attributed to the deity of the Hebrews in Exodus.

Dr. Aswan says that his purposes are purely scientific in searching out ancient mentions of climate change. “I only wish to show the world how the theory of Climate Change has been a founding factor in world history, and that those who speak against it don’t know what they are talking about.”

 

Congressman Investigated After Bluegrass Gangs Scare Voters in KY

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

FRANKFORT—A Kentucky Congressman is being investigated for criminally suppressing voter turnout at the polls in 2012, after allegedly hiring a group of banjo players to perform at every voting location in his district.

The banjo players were ordered “not to tune their banjos” and even to “deliberately sing through their noses” while performing, in a desperate bid to keep left-leaning voters away from the polls.

Voter intimidation through banjo gangs is nothing new, a tactic utilized particularly in Northern states—where it is not only most effective, but most brutal. Banjo performers are oftentimes ordered to bring amplifiers and even transportable stages.

“It’s a heinous crime to intimidate voters to the extent they can’t walk into the polling location,” said Bob Porter, “I tried to vote that day and they scared me away with the noise.”

The Congressman, a Republican with a conservative reputation, was correct in his assumption that the very blocs that would vote against him would be deterred by bluegrass-country tunes—particularly younger voters.

“I tried my best to walk in, but the constant banjo music … well, I can’t describe the effect it had on me. I couldn’t help but walk away,” said Leah Beryl, a classical musician with perfect pitch, “In the end, I didn’t get to vote for my candidate.”

The representative is likely to be faced with massive fines, but his strategy thus far has been to greet the media—interested in the case and seeking press conferences—with a prelude of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Strangely, the controversial case has not received much coverage.

BBC Announces New Show, “Doctor Whom”

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC's 2015 series.

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC’s 2015 series.

LONDON—Late Tuesday the British Broadcasting Corporation, best known as BBC, released its 2015 plans for Doctor Whom, a show about an adventurous and grammatically fascist English Ph.D.

BBC revealed that “the Doctor” will travel through all time and space to correct bad grammar, part of the Labour Party’s push to improve educational aspects of the publicly-funded news organization.

A sneak peek of the first episode shows the Doctor traveling to 15 June 1992 to the United States, in an attempt to alter Vice President Dan Quayle’s spelling of “potato.”

BBC’s Doctor Whom has been hailed by critics as grammatically revealing, particularly since the Doctor’s greatest weakness is his tendency to overreact to double negatives and subject/verb disagreements. This element of the Doctor’s personality is shown in the preview of an upcoming episode, where he and his vehicle—a time machine disguised to look like a metal filing cabinet—are stranded in 19th century rural America.

The Doctor’s name is apparently a secret, but the main character’s “one constant companion” is “sentence diagramming.”

Future exploits of the Doctor will include encounters with space aliens who often use incorrect forms of your and you’re; a much-lauded visit to 10 Downing Street; and a battle with the stubborn inhabitants of Fleet Street, who refuse to acknowledge the correct use of possessives.

English majors are enthusiastic about the show’s New Year’s Eve debut in 2015, but critics are unsure of Doctor Whom’s chances.

“Americans don’t want to be told to spell ‘neighbour’ with a ‘u,’” said one critic, speaking of the show’s potential popularity with Yankees, “But I think we can all agree that this show will probably be more popular with Britain’s language arts majors than any other science fiction series of all time.”

Bumblebee Smashes Smart Car in Austin Accident

smart carAUSTIN—A devastating collision occurred in an Austin residential neighborhood on Monday morning after a Smart car smashed into a large bumblebee. Emergency response teams rushed to the scene and successfully rescued the vehicle’s operator from the wreckage.

Although the car was totaled, the driver escaped with only a sting from the disgruntled insect. Eyewitnesses verify accounts of the destruction.

“It was just buzzing along, the Smart car was, and then a bumblebee just smashed right into it. That thing had to have been at least a two or three-gram insect, clearly it must have had an overdose of nectar or something,” explained one witness, walking her pet lemur when the accident occurred, “It smashed through the windshield and crumpled the car to smithereens.”

Officers investigating the collision hypothesized that the bumblebee was an unusually large specimen.

“Clearly it had to have weighed a whopping half an ounce to be able to smash through that sturdy Smart glass,” said one investigator, “But we’re here to make sure that a collision like this one won’t happen again.”

“It’s a good thing that Smart cars have so much crumple room. Otherwise, I think that it could have been a lot worse,” said a first responder at the scene of the collision, “For instance, it if hadn’t been a Smart car, the operator might have had to turn on the windshield wipers or even go to a carwash eventually. It could be a lot worse, I think.”

The incident has prompted Austin lawmakers to consider a traffic law designating a lane for Smart cars and a lane for heavyweight bumblebees, as well as a potential street sign next to bee hives warning drivers of other large insects crossing the road.

District 36 Race Reveals Pivot Back to Issues, Policy

The following satire was submitted by reader who wishes to remain anonymous.

The 2014 Republican primaries have been characterized by tough positions and fierce campaigns, forcing candidates to toe the line and fight for party perspectives. In the Texas Congressional District 36, the runoff battle between candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin has been an uphill battle of principles.

“The two are obviously diametrically opposed, because Babin is on the inside of a arbitrarily drawn, politically-motivated, demographically indicative line usually recognized as the border of a Congressional district,” Eddie, a concerned Lumberton voter explained, “And Streusand is not.”

The issue has taken a front-and-center position in the campaigns as voters within the arbitrary line, subject to change every decade or so, try to re-emphasize the crucial nature of the all-important district borders.

“The line is everything,” explained one campaign volunteer, “If a candidate comes from outside the line, he is out of the question. If he comes from inside the line, he is the Chosen One.”

Southeast Texans are certain that no outsider can understand the complex ideological workings of District 36, a distinct cultural and political entity that ends where the District ends.

Local party leadersTexas Congressional District 36 and Republican clubs have adopted a harsh stance on this critical issue, as they reveal how serious they really are about keeping their focus on true issues and not petty distractions like fiscal or social policy.

“People outside the lines can’t possibly gain insight into our culture or our customs. They have no clue as to what it’s like a mile away, in our district,” a Republican county leader continued.

Party leaders and journalists realize that the question of in vs. out is a crucial issue that could decide the fate of the nation, and that all other policy stances, voting records, and political experience should be utterly disregarded.

“Basically the line is the most important issue that our party is facing today. Ask yourself: are we electing leaders who are within these randomly drawn Congressional lines that are for administrative purposes only?” said a city councilman, “I think it’s the absolute most critical thing that we’re deciding in this election. Nothing else about these guys matters.”

Bob, the random policy analyst on the street, added, “We should forget all other fiscal and social issues and focus on this one. Administrative geography is the one determinate factor that distinguishes between a good guy and a bad guy. The bureaucratic products of gerrymandering known as districts are the only way we can tell if a candidate is worthy of our votes, that, and of course, the important question of whether or not this candidate has signs that are the right color.”

The race continues to heat up, as more and more people realize that the only issue worth talking about is whether or not the candidate is within the shifting, gerrymandered district line or not.

RNC Changes Symbol from Elephant to Praying Mantis

120903_reince_priebus_ap_328

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus describes Mitch McConnell’s resemblance to a praying mantis.

The Republicans have officially adopted the praying mantis, a cannibalistic insect with disturbing predatory behavior, as the party symbol.

“It was inherently appropriate,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, “This year’s primaries affirmed our decision to make the switch.”

The praying mantis, if left with no other dining options and/or whenever it feels like it, will resort to eating other mantises. Priebus explained that this attribute made for a resemblance that extends far beyond the previous symbol’s significance.

“Elephants have spectacular long-term memories. Republicans don’t, or else they wouldn’t keep doing the same stupid thing over and over and over again,” said a committee member, “Plus I should mention that praying mantises only pretend to be religious …”

Republicans tend to attack fellow Republicans, a trend that has only worsened over time. Party members explain that many attackers have “no idea when to quit” and will even “attack the platform” of the party, or even refuse to quit rambling after the primaries or runoffs are over.

Mantises also eat their young, a characteristic the Chairman also described as “fitting for our party.” He added in a press release that “…with our continuing difficulties in reaching out to the younger generation, and considering that we basically eat them alive as we cave to detrimental policies, higher taxes, marriage penalties and college-funding debacles, it seemed more than appropriate, but almost necessary.”

Priebus said that the change isn’t a prank.

The new party symbol.

The new party symbol.

“Hopefully this embarrassing symbol will motivate those idiots to quit acting like a bunch of cannibals during the primaries and runoffs,” concluded Priebus. “The Committee won’t change it until party members quit eating each other.”

Irrational Geographic: Big Hogs Initiative

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

With a healthy population and determined outlook on life, the wild boar population of Texas is doing its part to control the greedy agricultural capitalists set on destroying Nature’s balance, exploiting poor consumers, and killing faultless farm animals.

“They are really just misunderstood animals. They’re nothing but beautiful—it’s entirely unfounded to not … to not love them,” said Raddi Cahl, a dedicated environmentalist, in the hospital after attempting to hug a member of a rambunctious Texas hog herd.

The hogs incur millions, almost billions of dollars of damage every year, a step forward considering that Texas is one of “those” states that abuses its animal population to prevent mere trivialities like starvation and poverty.

Infinitely majestic and sporting patchy hair, diseased skin, and excessive filth, the wild hog population, the experts agree, does not deserve to be driven out or harmed in any way just because it prevents selfish farmers and land-owners from utilizing their capitalist-geared property for money-making purposes. Lobbyists have already presented the case to Washington, and say that they are making progress.

“They aren’t a bit willing to preserve this environmental marvel, and they’ll take to shooting these poor darling creatures from helicopters before they’ll tolerate dead livestock, spoiled crops, ransacked fields, and ruined careers and livelihoods. Altogether selfish, short-sighted, and just not fitting,” said William Grey, an upstate New York resident who said he had a farmer in his family tree “at some point in the past fifteen generations.”

“I understand exactly how these farmers feel. I have farming in my blood, I mean, at least as close as just fifteen generations ago,” Grey added, “And this is wholly inappropriate and just … selfish and capitalist.”

Irrational Geographic has launched a new initiative to protect these incredible creatures: the Big Hogs Initiative. You can help defeat these selfish farmers and score a victory for these special hogs—all seven million of them—and all the while protect the environment. All you’ll have to do is pay us money: it’s that simple.

The Question of Potato Chips

What if this had come earlier?

What if this had come earlier?

It is a question that has resounded for the past 158 years, ever since that day in late August of 1856 that the potato chip was invented: what would have happened if it had come earlier?

Many hypotheses include guesses that world peace would have prevailed for centuries at a time; that all human suffering would subside when the “crisps” (as the British know them) were plentiful; and that humans would have discovered a different solution to the cholesterol problem by now.

However, it is necessary to take a more reasonable approach. Like chocolate in South America, salt in the Middle East, and precious metals in Europe, potato chips—if they had been introduced into an ancient environment—would have become more than just a trading material, but a useful commodity and a staple food, somewhat of a combination of all three.

While chocolate was a luxury reserved for the rich, while salt was a fact of Roman life, and while precious metals had become a currency of sorts, potato chips would have become everything at once: an everyday luxury/currency.

As in most cases dealing with luxuries and necessities, the nature of the good involved can spark conflicts: growing populations would require more potato chips, and conquistadores would fight for fortunes or at least modest supplies of the crunchy fare.

Obviously the early rise of potato chips would change world history, thus it is imperative that we consider the consequences of such an early discovery.

Here is an alternative historical timeline featuring the rise of potato chips in 544 B.C.:

544 B.C.: Potato chips are invented and are soon developed into a luxury good offered to emperors, gods, and anybody rich enough to afford them.

507 B.C. – Crisps are now available to the masses, and instantly catch on. Grains are no longer the primary food source, nor do farmers continue to develop better seeds or varieties. Potatoes are now in fashion.

10 B.C. – The Roman Empire, now in existence, is conquering surrounding nations at alarming rates, with massive public support for the wars. Most of the conquests are primarily in search of land suitable for growing potatoes.

80 A.D. – Emperor Titus is assassinated because he would not give potato chips and circuses to the plebeians.

94 A.D. – A potato farmer becomes emperor of Rome, contributing to the industry and financing with the public purse a scientific search for a cure for cholesterol.

285 A.D. – The Roman Empire splits in two after experiencing a 20-year long civil war due to a discrepancy between barbecue potato chips versus sour cream and onion potato chips. The state on the west side is known as the Barbecue Empire, and side on the east is known as Saurecreanonion Republic.

410 A.D. – The Barbecue Empire is sacked by the Vegegoths, who are considered “barbarians” and oppose potatoes, considering them unhealthy.

979 A.D. – Potato chips have now been sent to or discovered in every continent.

1099 A.D. – The first Chewsade, a campaign fighting for a comeback of potato chips in the apparently hostile Middle East (inhabited by descendents of the Vegegoths), takes place.

1206 – Genghis Khan begins spreading vinegar potato chips around Eurasia.

1337 – The Hundred Years’ War begins, as England and France, respectively, fight over the issue of salt-and-pepper chips and lemon potato chips.

1347 – A serious disease begins spreading throughout Europe, mainly because of low-quality potatoes. An estimated 20-40% of the population was wiped out in the first year.

1439 – Johannes Gutenberg invents cellophane, revolutionizing potato chip transportation and storage.

1492 – Christopher Columbus reaches the New World, where he immediately begins testing the soil to see if it is suitable for growing potatoes.

1503 – Leonardo da Vinci begins painting the Mona Lisa, a portrait of a girl and a bag of potato chips.

1689 – John Locke writes a letter concerning toleration, demanding that different types of potato chips be allowed in a free market.

1773 — A protest known as the Boston Chip Party erupts due to King George’s exorbitant tax on potato chips, the industry of which was already a monopoly. The Boston Chip Party’s participants dumped over 342 cases of crisps into the Boston Harbor.

1776 – The Declaration of Independence makes its debut, featuring a mention of the King’s tyrannical policy of potato chip taxation.

1789 – The French Revolution begins, a revolution fought over clashes between proponents of French fries and potato chips.

1879 – Thomas Edison invents an automatic potato-slicer, further cheapening the necessity.

1890 – Spud National Park is established.

1903 – The Wright Brothers make the first powered flight, over a potato farm.

1919 – The Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution kicks off an era known as “Prohibition,” in which potato chips are no longer permitted to be eaten with spinach dip.

1929 – The Great Depression begins and the stock market crashes, particularly blue chip stocks.

1955 – McDonald’s opens and features French fries, a major blow to potato chips, which have been around for over a thousand years.

1957 – Dr. Suess publishes Spud in the Mud.

1969 – America sends a man to the moon, mainly to check to see if there was any potential of utilizing the surface as a potato-growing facility.

1990 – The United States signs a treaty that strikes a deal with Russia, re-introducing potato chips to the nation.

2008 – The 2008 recession begins, resulting in another crucial blow to blue chip stocks.

2009 – President Barack Obama is inaugurated, and soon after he pushes through legislation allegedly making potato chips “affordable,” but essentially socializes the American chip market.

2009 — A political party called the Chip Party forms in protest of the Affordable Chip Act, but in a broad sense, it forms to oppose liberal “health nuts.”

2014 – The Affordable Spud Act results in mass pandemonium and worldwide hunger as a main staple food is restricted from consumers.

Circus Comes to City Hall

LUMBERTON – For a limited time only, a locally-based amateur circus is offering a free show at the Lumberton City Hall.

Featuring clowns, magicians, contortionists, and animals of all kinds, the circus is comprised of talented local folk. Visitors describe it as being a one-ring format, but with multiple performers and a variety of acts. Rumors have it that the show is purposefully in conjunction with Lumberton early voting.

Clowns, wearing brightly colored clothes and dramatic expressions, mingle with the crowd and even hand out trinkets, papers, and balloons.

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A collection of clowns waits for guests at the City Hall’s temporary circus.

“Oh, they’re hilarious conversationalists! So talkative, so nonsensical, so fantastical—all this made up stuff, as if they were talking gibberish,” said Earl Boater, who had never voted early before. “It was definitely worth it.”

The contortionists were particularly well-liked, as one spectator described.

“The clowns and the magicians just gathered ‘round those bendy folks,” Betty Clark said, “Obviously they were the most popular of the performers.”

“They were stretching the physical bounds of reality and truth with the contortionist tricks. It was absolutely dazzling the way they could stretch, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say they didn’t have a backbone!” added Liz, a faithful early voter, “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.”

Magicians, many attendants say, were also quite stunning as they played tricks on early voters and curious onlookers.

“Pointed questions, riddles, muddy references, and so much more,” said Buddy, who isn’t old enough to vote yet, but found out because of his job at Dairy Queen close to City Hall. “I had the time of my life trying to understand them and the tricks. One day I’d like to learn how to do that.”

Children were advised, despite the otherwise kid-friendly show, to avoid the animals, quite a few of which had not been trained and were not caged. Parental guidance was suggested for the snake exhibits and dog show.

“Yeah, the prize pigs are sometimes prone to sling mud around,” said one circus performer, “I would stay away from them if you want to keep clean.”

If you or your family would like to visit the circus, it will make a reappearance on March 4 of this year, with a possible summer review, and the another performance in November.

 

Dangerous Pest Infestation Threatens Beaumont

BEAUMONT – A reporter pit has been discovered in a vacant local building, a revelation that has worried both pest exterminators called to address the situation and local residents.

The reporter pit, which the journalists called the “hideout”, was characterized by excessive drinking, pity parties, and Organizing for Action campaign events. Investigators noted that the pit was an extremely dangerous place for conservatives or political candidates in general to enter.

“We found the bones of several campaigns discarded outside, including the Romney 2012 campaign and the Ron Paul campaign for president,” said a law enforcement officer, “There are signs that the victims were beaten brutally in editorials and headline news.”

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is "packed out" with "standing room only."

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is “packed out” with “standing room only.”

“I always knew that the Beaumont Enterprise had problems,” said a Beaumont local, a reader of both the Houston Chronicle and the Enterprise. “Now I understand why all of the local television journalists and talk show hosts always acted like they were drunk.”

“These pests are harder to get rid of than mice, sting more than a wasp, and they can hide like snakes. They’re a real problem,” said a professional exterminator called to address the situation.

“This election season has provided a perfect climate, the perfect atmosphere, for this pit to thrive. I can only hope that a conservative victory will drive them away, or at least make them a tad less confident,” said the exterminator.

The reporter pit is expected to remain, and the stolen building may have to be demolished if the pit continues to thrive. Exterminators working in conjunction with the owner of the property have found it difficult to vacate the captured building-turned-saloon, mostly due to the excessive flashes, cameras, tripods, computers, and printers preventing them from entering safely but also because of the pests’ tendency to plaster updates about the attempts on every media outlet within reach.

“But the upside is, if a political candidate is annoying you, just toss a forged campaign document in there, close the door real quick, and watch them have fun. Just like a little kitten or something, playing with its prey,” continued the exterminator.

The pit is said to have a negative effect on Southeast Texas journalism, but experts note that there are such pits throughout the United States. In fact, the hideouts have become particular problems in New York.

Law enforcement officers have not made a statement on the hazardous pit, but did mention that cautious citizens should have nothing to fear.

Icepocalypse Traumatizes Texans

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

 

SOUTHEAST TEXAS – A weather phenomenon so rare in Southeast Texas that it has been deemed a “once-in-a-century” occurrence, a trail of snow and ice left by a polar vortex has shut down must commerce and nearly all roads.

 

Most Texas residents have never experienced such inclement weather in their lives.

 

Long-time Lumberton resident Donna Wanto Becolde said, “It swept through here on Thursday night and Friday morning, and all the while it was basically a blizzard of snow and sleet and freezing rain. Approximately a quarter inch of frozen stuff bombarded the Lumberton area. It’s a wonder that I live to tell the tale.”

 

Texas law enforcement officers have been seeking out Southeast Texas residents to ensure that they were still alive in the 33 degree weather.

 

“Why, we was about to go swimming when all of a sudden, the temperature ducked below 72 degrees. I think my daughter might have gotten frostbite,” said a concerned Silsbee father, detailing the surprising beginning of the incident.

 

At least three casualties have been reported from the “icepocalypse” or “snowmageddon” – as inconvenienced and suffering Southeast Texas individuals have dubbed it.

 

“One man walked outside, and unbeknownst to him, the temperature was a lethal 49 degrees. His last words were ‘What is this feeling?’ as he collapsed to the sidewalk – by then strewn with cold raindrops,” said the man’s neighbor.

 

Despite the casualties, traffic disasters, and power outages associated with weather below freezing, most Southeast Texans have survived. Approximately three hundred have ended up in the hospital because of the weather. One woman suffered a heart attack after seeing a snow flurry.

 

Authorities have already assured citizens that counseling will be available to traumatized residents who have endured experiences that include the sensation of sleet falling on one’s head, being forced to turn the heater on, and other such uncalled-for cold weather problems.

 

“It’s far from over,” continued Donna Wanto Becolde, “We’ve still got a lot to deal with before the temperature returns to a reasonable average … I can’t remember having experienced a winter this cold.”

 

President: “Candy Land is American”

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has deemed a centuries-old game, chess, discriminatory and obsolete. His speech on Monday came in response to a Worldwide Chess Tournament held two weeks ago.

 

“I think that chess is discriminatory in more than one way. For instance: this idea of male dominance, the idea that the ‘king’, and not the president (which is a non-gender-specific term), is the most important is foolishness. If chess authorities won’t change this game, I’ll find a way.” the President said.

 

“This game purposefully leaves out toddlers and colorblind people,” President Obama added, “And that’s injustice. This is a hate crime.”

 

The President’s latest legislation has revealed his dislike of the game, and would make a negative view of the traditional game of logic the official opinion of the United States federal government.

 

“I don’t like this game because it gives schemers an advantage.” the President continued.

“We should be careful which attributes we reward, which is why Americans should not be playing this game for scheming logicians and male supremacists. Games like Candy Land and Snakes and Ladders reflect our national character.”

 

“Candy Land is just a beautiful game. Everybody’s equal and everybody can win, if we play the game right.” the President concluded.

The Blame Game

obama

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has at last found the source of all America’s problems. As the former Illinois senator suspected, the nation’s mishaps and failings have absolutely nothing to do with his administration.

 

“There are evil people in this world, and there are despicable characters in politics. Constantly they are working for the detriment of the nation, and most of the time, I, just like you, discover these deeds in the newspaper or on television,” the President said in a speech.

 

“While obstructionists and wing-nuts are working to score political points, I’m working for the betterment of the United States. End of story. I am in no way responsible for what has happened in the past year,” President Obama continued.

 

He explained that every political and economic failing of the United States for the past three years has been the explicitly intentional doing of a black and tan Labrador pup named Rufus.

 

“It looks cute. But it scores plenty of political points,” said the President, “In no way can we accept it. We must realize that this monster is threatening our national identity thanks to its senseless actions that resulted in the fiscal cliff, sequester, and government shutdown.”

 

“And after all that, the dog ate my budget.” the President lamented.

 

The President mentioned that this “Lab’s failed experiment” is also responsible for the September 11, 2012 attacks on the American Embassy in Benghazi, the failings of Healthcare.gov, all mass shooting from 2011-2013, high youth unemployment rates, a sluggish economy, and national debts just north of $17 trillion.

 

President Obama concluded, “Every morning I read the newspaper, and every morning I see problems that are none of my doing. After a thorough investigation, we know that the creature responsible is a howling political hound who works for the GOP.”

NSA Takes Over Santa Claus’ Operation

WASHINGTON — Edward Snowden released a final bombshell revelation that proves what many American children had begun to suspect this holiday season: the National Security Agency has taken over Santa’s annual Christmas operation.

 

The takeover was approved in January of 2013, scheduled for a spring transition. Mr. Claus apparently protested, evidenced by emails between officials.

white house christmas tree

A website to submit letters to Santa failed miserably, due to the fact that most of the world’s 2.2 billion children do not have internet access and do not speak English. The dysfunctional website, costing millions of dollars, has yet to function correctly. The deadline for letters to Santa, meanwhile, is fast approaching and has been denied an extension.

 

Additionally, the previous North Pole address for Santa was changed to an unknown location in WashingtonD.C., apparently for surveillance purposes.

 

“It’s December 16th and Santa still hasn’t got my letter,” one seven-year old lamented, “Because Mom can’t find the address and when we sent it to the old one, all we got was a form letter from the President telling us that it changed.”

 

Snowden’s exposé also revealed illegal targeting of children with conservative parents in the gift application process, unfairly putting them on the “Naughty” list rather than the “Nice” list, despite their behavior.

 

President Obama explains that he heard about the NSA takeover in the news.

 

“I haven’t heard anything about this,” he said, “I sent my letter to the North Pole, and as far as I know, it arrived. I have not heard anything at all, except what I read in the newspaper, just like you did.”

 

Billions of dollars have been spent on the unsuccessful NSA operation, despite the fact that the charitable and extremely successful initiative previously owned by Mr. Claus functioned on a shoestring budget.

 

The time-warp capabilities that Mr. Claus utilized to deliver to houses around the globe —  at precisely midnight — was ditched altogether, and likewise the “old-fashioned” chimney entrance. Fighter jets and the postal service will in theory deliver the gifts, despite the vows of hostile governments to shoot the airplanes down. Experts and technocrats have deemed the United States Postal Service (USPS) incapable of the worldwide challenge.

 

Seven lawsuits challenging the takeover are already pending, and liberal and conservative policy analysts have declared the move unconstitutional.

 

“It’s too late to change anything this year. Only 2% of the gifts have been completed, and the NSA still isn’t sure if it can deliver the presents.” said one organization’s President, “And the worst part is that the United States has made the absolute most horrible diplomatic move it has ever made. Children around the world now hate us for what the NSA did.”

 

Despite the fact that USPS is not up to delivering millions of gifts, the privately owned United Parcel Service has taken up the offer and has already developed a basic time-warp strategy.

Squirrels Penalized for Eating Out of Bird Feeder

WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan measure the Senate and House both approved Monday, a nationwide problem of immense proportions was at last addressed. The move came after nearly two decades of lobbying and protests by organizations such as American Songbird Civil Liberties Union and Organization Against Tree Rats.

 

The legislation permanently bars squirrels from eating out of bird-designated feeders, and if homeowners and the caretakers of bird feeders wish to share their bounty with squirrels, the small mammals also known as “tree rats” will be required to submit a permit — signed by two witnesses and the owner of the feeder — or either make use of a separate squirrel feeder.

 

“It is an effort against careless thievery,” said Congressman Burr Feeder, “For years, Americans have had to deal with this issue themselves and we want to end this era of law enforcement deficiency.”

 

Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law -- thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law — thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Congressman Stewie Quirl, who voted against the comprehensive legislation, added, “It’s just peanuts. This is up to the states, and in my opinion, up to counties and towns, and it seems very discrimnatory against squirrels. Especially since there is no equivalent law for birds.”

 

PETA and other animal rights organizations also supported the soon-to-be law of the land in the wake of squirrel launchers and “excessive violence” resulting in millions of squirrel deaths annually.

 

“Shotguns, B-B guns, slingshots, cats, dogs, and knives … it is not right for these cute flea-bitten little critters to die,” said a senior PETA official, “Just because they’re somewhere where they aren’t supposed to be.”

 

President Obama has indicated that he supports the legislation, but most political pundits suggest that the legislation will be ineffective.

 

“I think we’ve already forgotten that squirrels can’t read or write,” said one legislative analyst, “But then again, that’s just because our segregated society won’t allow them in school. This is apparently only the first step of many in our governmental walk to a society of equality.”

 

The legislation’s main objective is to punish petty thievery by squirrels who continually swipe seeds and nuts from bird feeders around the nation.

 

“This is America,” said one ASCLU lobbyist, “We represent songbirds, but we also realize that squirrels need due process of law before they are killed by some crazy kid with a B-B gun, and they also need to have permits.”

 

Opponents are concerned that the costs of trials for squirrels will be excessive.

 

“Nevertheless, this legislation is revolutionary and I whole-heartedly support it,” said President Obama, “And by next week, you will no longer be bothered by squirrels eating out of your bird feeders.”

New Agency Ensures Quality Embroidery

WASHINGTON — A rare majority of lawmakers has established a new federal agency to ensure the quality of hand embroidery, a heretofore unregulated activity which has, in the past, been a significant political issue.

 

“Everybody can remember the moments when grandma or an aunt or even your mom gave you some hand-embroidered item done sloppily. This inferior gift or product is dangerous, detrimental to our national reputation, and perhaps even the reason for this sluggish economy worldwide,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

 

“It is imperative that we end this disgrace and ensure that consumers and gift recipients are awarded with something worthwhile. Embroidery can be deadly if not done properly, and embroidery-related deaths have jumped up 100% in the past year. The time to take action is now,” explained Representative Sheila Jackson Lee, an outspoken advocate of the legislation that created the new agency.

 

Quality hand embroidery will now be required by law.

Quality hand embroidery will now be required by law.

Widespread “inferiority” of the handcraft has bothered many embroidery aficionados and professionals, but opponents of the legislation cite a conflict of interest.

 

“If you own an embroidery business, sure you’ll want to regulate your competition: cheaper, more popular, and do-it-yourself embroidery crafts,” said Nee Dulle, founder of the Hand Embroiderers for Smaller Government. “Big bucks have been pouring in from around the country so our crafts will be smothered.”

 

Dulle is concerned that burdensome regulation by the new agency, the Embroidery Quality and Consumer Protection Agency (EQCPA) would deter embroiderers from picking up new skills or practicing their craft.

 

New EQCPA regulations require embroiderers to get official approval for their project. Inspectors will double-check to make sure that the project matches the approved description, and that “it is fit for consumers.”

 

“Think of us as the EPA of embroidery, perhaps more like the DOE of embroidery,” said the head of the agency, “We’re here to make sure that you have reliable and safe embroidery. As they say, we’re here to make sure that you don’t try embroidery at home. Needles, scissors, and pins are dangerous and that’s why permits should be required.”

 

The EQCPA has already flagged over seventy thousand violators of the new law, with more unlicensed embroiderers expected to turn up every day.

 

“It’s a new era for America, and new economy is going to emerge. I am so proud of the EQCPA for the work it has already done, and the work that it will do,” the agency’s leader concluded.

Washington Establishes New Embassy

 

greg abbotWASHINGTON – The United States has decided to reach out a diplomatic hand to the State of Texas, which officials claimed had “felt estranged” for quite some time.

 

After deciding to ignore 90% of federal laws and suing over another 6%, the Lone Star State is the problem child – or as another Congressman put it, the “wild child” – of the Union.

 

Washington diplomats are on a mission to restore a working relationship with Texas, which in recent years has been the United State’s third most significant trading partner.

 

“It’s almost as if their aim is to break away entirely. They’re almost autonomous now, and we’re still at a loss to figure out how they did it and did it without us noticing,” said Dexter Tex, who will be the ambassador to Austin.

 

“They have become an entirely different entity, it seems, after the President took office in 2009,” said one Louisiana resident.

 

The estrangement began in the 90s, during Clinton’s tenure, but slowly eased after the former Texas governor became the 43rd president. From 2009-2010, Texans began accumulating reasons to hate Washington as calls for more gun control, welfare spending, military cuts, and border security reductions emanated from the “increasingly leftist” headquarters of the United Nations and the United States.

 

Chief executive of the State of Texas, Rick Perry has made no comment on the implications of Washington’s latest diplomatic move.

 

“The reason that we are inching away is because the President puts his foot in his mouth every time he speaks. We can’t be associated with that, it’s way too embarrassing for such a state as this,” said one anonymous Texas representative.

 

The next move for the state is to back away from its obligations to the United States House of Representatives and Senate as it prepares to secede, rumors say. Washington’s late attempt at diplomacy is expected to provide too little, too late.

 

 

 

NASA Autocorrect Feature Opens New Dimension

earth from saturnSOMEWHERE RELATIVELY CLOSE TO SATURN – Due to a severe and likely fatal programming malfunction caused by an autocorrect feature on a government computer, the Cassini Spacecraft has created a hole in the fabric of space.

 

The hole is a first in recorded history. Officials worldwide are “not sure what to say, and completely confused.” Although it is unclear how the spacecraft actually created the hole, the National Aeronautical and Space Administration (NASA) is doing its best to solve the problem.

 

“We think it leads into another dimension,” said one NASA scientist, “But we can’t be too sure. No matter where it leads, we just don’t want to go there. Our biggest challenge is to avoid this hole and get Cassini away from this region of the solar system.”

 

Meanwhile, programmers, physicists, leading scientists, and various computer gurus are attempting to isolate the error and correct it.

 

“Whatever we did, that was amazing,” one government worker added, “I had no idea how awesome we are and how much power I wield.”

 

“It’s just that if the same thing happens here on earth, it will not be pretty. The hole out there by Saturn is going to be hard to pinpoint if we ever send a manned mission that far,” explained well-known Astronaut Buzz Beeper, “I always knew that autocorrect in coding programs was a really bad idea.”

 

NASA scientists currently predict that if the problem is not resolved, half of the solar system will be absorbed either into a parallel universe or a separate dimension. Earth will be in the first 40% of planets, comets, and other objects to be gradually drawn into the hole.

 

“Nothing too bad should happen. After all, the sun and moon will be moving right along with us, assuming that we don’t correct the error. However, America should rest assured that we will act quickly and we will act smart. Just like Healthcare.gov, maybe this spacecraft has a few glitches. The government will take care of this problem just like it takes care of other problems.” The President said in an address to the nation.

 

Russia, China, India, and Iran still consider the space race in full effect, thus are refusing to cooperate or offer suggestions as to how to mend the dimension’s tear.

 

“We are interested in adding this feature to our own spacecraft now,” said an official Indian press release, “The Americans are no better than we are, and we will prove it.”

 

Email Meant for Biden Goes to President of France

 

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has outdone his own dismal foreign relations record after sending an email meant for Vice-President Joe Biden to the President of France, Francois Hollande.

 

The President's latest diplomatic bungle is likely the most damaging of his career.

 

After calling Hollande a “doofus,” the President told France’s leader “you’ve put your foot in your mouth one time too many.” Meanwhile, France has decided to withdraw from negotiation of the Transatlantic Free Trade Area agreement.

 

“Everybody here is embarrassed to even be seen with you,” the President said. “You are beginning to put Washington to shame just because when people think of our leaders, they think of our association to you. You’ve made yourself famous for stupidity. I wish I had never seen your ugly, smirking face.”

 

Hollande has publicized his intentions to cease all diplomatic relations with the United States and is considering stiff sanctions as well. France is contemplating a controversial United Nations move, either “calling for Obama’s resignation” or “leaving this American organization altogether.”

 

President Obama continued, “America is getting really tired of you. I think most of us are almost ready to have nothing to do with you, especially after today’s comment … sometimes I get so mad at you that I want to tell you to resign.”

 

Although his recent Syrian warmongering caused only a relatively small stir, the President’s latest email is now hailed as the “stupidest diplomatic move of the century” and has been nominated for a Nobel Strife Prize. The Neville Chamberlain Foundation is also expected to honor the President with the James E. Carter United States Foreign Relations Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Autocorrect Starts World War III

 

Retaliatory nuclear blasts are coming from countries all over the world.

Retaliatory nuclear blasts are coming from countries all over the world.

ARLINGTON – A senior Pentagon official inadvertently began World War III after initiating an aggressive nuclear strike against Europe, Russia, and Southeast Asia due to an iPhone’s autocorrect feature.

 

“I was just typing a text to my wife telling her that I was feeling sick,” the former five-star general explained.

 

The Pentagon has already released a worldwide apology, which said “…it was a sincere misunderstanding due to extreme technical difficulties that could not be avoided.”

 

The official attempted to explain in a text that he was feeling ill: “Feeling sick & still leaving for France Moscow China n 2 hrs.”

 

Rather than to the official’s wife’s number, the text was immediately sent to Worldwide Instant Feature Destruct, a now disabled and declassified number given to only ten officials with the authority to call for a nuclear strike.

 

Apple autocorrect edited the text to read: “Calling strike level for France, Moscow, China in 2 hours.”

 

Although twenty-five countries are reacting with retaliatory blasts, China has backed down from the conflict.

 

Chinese President Xi Jingping said, “We were going to cast the American pigs into a pit of everlasting nuclear fire, but changed our minds. Autocorrect is of universal detriment and we sympathize.”

New Global Warming Legislation

 

Going to the beach won't be the same after President Obama's proposal is enforced worldwide.

Going to the beach won’t be the same after President Obama’s proposal is enforced worldwide.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama made a speech today touting the truth behind climate change and the necessity of quick action in ending the global warming phenomenon.

 

Members of the media are reacting with surprising support to the President’s proposal for new global warming legislation.

 

“Seriously, folks, we all understand the concept. When more mass is placed into or on water, the water level rises. That’s why we are going to have global warming. But a way to counteract global warming is just as obvious,” President Obama said, “I promised to slow the rise of the oceans. So far, I’m good, but not that good. So I want to follow up on my promises. I have a simple five step plan to counteract coastal flooding.”

 

“The President’s five-step plan is more than ‘simple,’” one commentator noted, “It’s brilliant.”

 

“Killing all marine life and taking the dead fish and sea creatures on land would lower the level of the oceans,” the President said, “That’s my first step.”

 

The next phases of his proposed legislation would wipe out all sea plant life, remove billions of tons of sand from the ocean floor, retrieve all shipwrecks, and lastly, make all intercontinental marine travel illegal.

 

“Yup, we’ve all noticed it,” the President said, “When you get into the bathtub, the water level goes up. When you get out, it goes back down. What we’re trying to do is take everything out to make room for more water.”

 

The United Nations has seized onto the legislation and is whole-heartedly supporting the measure, hopefully to enforce the standards in other areas of the world as well.

 

 

 

President Declares Germ-Free Zone

bacteriaWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has made a controversial and revolutionary move in the area of healthcare more than once. Earlier today the President signed, in a widely televised ceremony, a restrictive new law that creates a germ-free zone in the United States.

 

In early 2010, the U.S. Congress gave his trademark Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act its stamp of approval. Today’s move is, unbelievably, more far-reaching and delves into even more unnoticeable areas of everyday life.

 

“In the wake of a virtual epidemic of infectious diseases, it is my duty to enact this legislation for the American people,” the President said in a press briefing, “It is imperative that we end disease, and the only way I can think to do that is to ban germs.”

 

“So far free markets have done a terrible job of ending disease. And you can see the terrible mess we are in right now, now cure for the common cold,” explained Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “Making germs is the only obvious solution to barring bad germs from bothering us anymore.”

 

The move is “undoubtedly political,” said a Balderdash Foundation expert, “because first and foremost it will cheat out rightful beneficiaries of Obamacare subsidies and Medicaid recipients when they are miraculously healed when the law takes affect.”

 

The President added, “This legislation will heal the masses and cure the ill. Finally I will no longer have to worry about getting a cold from snotty-nosed kids or a disease from a person who didn’t wash their hands. I think this will have positive effects for every single person throughout the United States.”

 

However, opponents to the act maintain that “bad bacteria will not comply with these laws,” as Representative Dot Tore, a former general practitioner, protested. “Law-abiding bacteria will do what we ask,” she continued, “But don’t expect disease-causing bacteria to make an exit.”

 

“Law-abiding bacteria, necessary for human digestion and decomposition, will be stripped of their right to exist within the United States. Bad bacteria, meanwhile, will continue to infect Americans with disease. Law-abiding bacteria won’t be able to do a thing to stop it,” a policy analyst at the Lices Institute said.

 

The President’s new law is facing severe opposition, but if not nullified or declared unconstitutional, will take place on January 1st of 2014.