Hello, human world.
I am a cat—and of course you think you know what that means. You think that I like to play with balls of yarn, drink milk, catch mice, and that dogs chase me.
None of the above.
I am Hodgkins, Supreme Emperor of the Universe—or, well, at least that’s what I deserve to be. There is nothing in this world that I don’t have the right to use, destroy, or give away.
There are bogus scientists in my universe who claim that the “earth revolves around the sun” and other such garbage. No, the sun revolves around the earth—and the earth revolves around me. I am the culmination of thousands of years of history: I’m the reason you’re all here—obviously because I’m a cat, and because I’m the best cat.
And my purpose?
- To catch the red dot that has somehow always managed to elude me—for if I am more brilliant than Sherlock Holmes (well, that’s a stupid “what if” because clearly I am) then this dot is more brilliant than Moriarty. Like, five hundred times smarter than Moriarty. But I digress.
- To defeat the accursed breed of lizards threatening to take over my planet. These fire-breathing, two-inch long monsters can turn your couch to toast in two seconds flat, and if they succeed in overtaking your house, they will use it as headquarters—and then transform it into a missile launching pad. Yes, Western civilization hinges on you controlling these vile reptiles.
- But more than anything else, since I’m the culmination of history, and since I’m Supreme Emperor, I deserve the authoritative recognition of such. Either by hook, crook, claw, or social media, I will take over “your” world.
Hopefully you understand me now, humans. Perhaps your eyes have been opened.
I love me too,
Hodgkins Clark, Your Humble Master
P.S. I highly recommend that you join H.O.D.G.K.I.N.S. (Hodgkins Obedible Dictatorial Glitterati Klatch and Imminent National Synod). When I say “highly recommend” I really mean join or else you’ll be cleaning the litter box as soon as I’m boss around here.