Beware of the GEICO Gecko

Humans think this creep is cute for some reason. Don't fall for it--but if they actually did decide to suspend the laws of physics with their anti-gravity forces, you wouldn't be able to fall for anything, actually.

Humans think this creep is cute for some reason. Don’t fall for it. Never mind … if geckos did suspend the laws of physics with their anti-gravity forces, you actually wouldn’t be able to fall for anything. 

 

Dear Hodgkins,

As a regular reader, I understand well the threat facing western civilization from lizards.  But what about geckos?  They look sort of like lizards.  And what about those GEICO Insurance ads? Should I be concerned about GEICO?  –Concerned Calico

 

Concerned Calico,

Geckos are definitely something to be concerned about: while both lizards (suborder Iguania) and geckos (suborder Scleroglossa) are both of the order Squamata, they are competitors for world domination. Pitting them against each other is one of the best things we can do, as infighting proves particularly devastating to reptiles.

If there is ever a gecko infestation in your house, be afraid. While lizards are treacherous brutes with manifold physical powers and the brawn necessary to take out a full-grown cat, geckos have abilities that defy the laws of gravity.

Fortunately for us, the gecko population is significantly smaller than the lizard population. Not to mention that they don’t breath fire. Considering how I’m an expert, I should leave the easier tasks—like slaughtering geckos—to kittens and other amateurs.

However, even though geckos are significantly easier to eliminate, there are some things to keep in mind about geckos:

  • They are every bit as cunning as lizards—but what’s worse is how elusive they can be.
  • They don’t taste good.
  • If you want to scare a human, all you have to do is put a gecko in their face. (I would not recommend this because your human may banish you to Siberia.)
  • Unlike lizards, they can’t breath fire. They do, however, have anti-gravity abilities.

Anti-gravity forces are formidable. Since geckos could suspend gravity universe-wide, we ought to consider the consequences:

  • There is no atmosphere on the moon because it doesn’t have enough gravity—meaning that it’s a near vacuum. Without gravity, our atmosphere and pretty much everything else on earth (including water) would float away into space.
  • That’s not all. Atoms and molecules would separate and fly apart at the seams and suddenly elementary particles would be moving at the speed of light.
  • In other words, no gravity means that everything would basically cease to exist and you would be a jumble of particles zipping around what used to be the universe.

The GEICO gecko may promise 15 minutes can save you 15% or more on car insurance. Maybe so, but I would rather have gravity than cheap car insurance.

So, Calico, it would be best to finish off as many geckos as possible. It isn’t just western civilization at stake this time—but do keep in mind that right now lizards are the primary threat.

I love me too,

Hodgkins

Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Hunting Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
Expert Tree-Conqueror;
And Your Humble Master

About Hodgkins Clark

Hodgkins is Supreme Emperor of the Universe, and on top of that is a special forces Lizard-Slayer, recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize, "Coolest Monarch of the Century" (Irrational Geographic), and an expert Tree-Conqueror. You can visit his Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/hodgkins.clark
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