Dangerous Pest Infestation Threatens Beaumont

BEAUMONT – A reporter pit has been discovered in a vacant local building, a revelation that has worried both pest exterminators called to address the situation and local residents.

The reporter pit, which the journalists called the “hideout”, was characterized by excessive drinking, pity parties, and Organizing for Action campaign events. Investigators noted that the pit was an extremely dangerous place for conservatives or political candidates in general to enter.

“We found the bones of several campaigns discarded outside, including the Romney 2012 campaign and the Ron Paul campaign for president,” said a law enforcement officer, “There are signs that the victims were beaten brutally in editorials and headline news.”

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is "packed out" with "standing room only."

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is “packed out” with “standing room only.”

“I always knew that the Beaumont Enterprise had problems,” said a Beaumont local, a reader of both the Houston Chronicle and the Enterprise. “Now I understand why all of the local television journalists and talk show hosts always acted like they were drunk.”

“These pests are harder to get rid of than mice, sting more than a wasp, and they can hide like snakes. They’re a real problem,” said a professional exterminator called to address the situation.

“This election season has provided a perfect climate, the perfect atmosphere, for this pit to thrive. I can only hope that a conservative victory will drive them away, or at least make them a tad less confident,” said the exterminator.

The reporter pit is expected to remain, and the stolen building may have to be demolished if the pit continues to thrive. Exterminators working in conjunction with the owner of the property have found it difficult to vacate the captured building-turned-saloon, mostly due to the excessive flashes, cameras, tripods, computers, and printers preventing them from entering safely but also because of the pests’ tendency to plaster updates about the attempts on every media outlet within reach.

“But the upside is, if a political candidate is annoying you, just toss a forged campaign document in there, close the door real quick, and watch them have fun. Just like a little kitten or something, playing with its prey,” continued the exterminator.

The pit is said to have a negative effect on Southeast Texas journalism, but experts note that there are such pits throughout the United States. In fact, the hideouts have become particular problems in New York.

Law enforcement officers have not made a statement on the hazardous pit, but did mention that cautious citizens should have nothing to fear.

About Rachel Clark

Rachel hoards office supplies, has 12.5 hours of Bach on her iPod, and occasionally forgets her own name. Other than that she's a normal person who likes to write.
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