The following satire was submitted by reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
The 2014 Republican primaries have been characterized by tough positions and fierce campaigns, forcing candidates to toe the line and fight for party perspectives. In the Texas Congressional District 36, the runoff battle between candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin has been an uphill battle of principles.
“The two are obviously diametrically opposed, because Babin is on the inside of a arbitrarily drawn, politically-motivated, demographically indicative line usually recognized as the border of a Congressional district,” Eddie, a concerned Lumberton voter explained, “And Streusand is not.”
The issue has taken a front-and-center position in the campaigns as voters within the arbitrary line, subject to change every decade or so, try to re-emphasize the crucial nature of the all-important district borders.
“The line is everything,” explained one campaign volunteer, “If a candidate comes from outside the line, he is out of the question. If he comes from inside the line, he is the Chosen One.”
Southeast Texans are certain that no outsider can understand the complex ideological workings of District 36, a distinct cultural and political entity that ends where the District ends.
Local party leaders and Republican clubs have adopted a harsh stance on this critical issue, as they reveal how serious they really are about keeping their focus on true issues and not petty distractions like fiscal or social policy.
“People outside the lines can’t possibly gain insight into our culture or our customs. They have no clue as to what it’s like a mile away, in our district,” a Republican county leader continued.
Party leaders and journalists realize that the question of in vs. out is a crucial issue that could decide the fate of the nation, and that all other policy stances, voting records, and political experience should be utterly disregarded.
“Basically the line is the most important issue that our party is facing today. Ask yourself: are we electing leaders who are within these randomly drawn Congressional lines that are for administrative purposes only?” said a city councilman, “I think it’s the absolute most critical thing that we’re deciding in this election. Nothing else about these guys matters.”
Bob, the random policy analyst on the street, added, “We should forget all other fiscal and social issues and focus on this one. Administrative geography is the one determinate factor that distinguishes between a good guy and a bad guy. The bureaucratic products of gerrymandering known as districts are the only way we can tell if a candidate is worthy of our votes, that, and of course, the important question of whether or not this candidate has signs that are the right color.”
The race continues to heat up, as more and more people realize that the only issue worth talking about is whether or not the candidate is within the shifting, gerrymandered district line or not.