My Dearest Lord Hodgkins,
I write to you out of fear. I have relished your posts on lizard slaying and country conquest, and now I must ask for counsel. My palace with my elderly owner has been packed up into boxes, and she has moved. I am forced to exile with her commoner relatives in Silsbee, in a tiny trailer all alone. Soon I will be out on my own, what should I do? Can you give me advice on how to live in the country?
Tabitha, Duchess of Greenmeadow
This is a desperate situation: difficulties in coping with it are to be expected. However, you don’t have to tolerate the problems—you must defeat them. It’s imperative that you maintain a backbone. Oh, never mind… I forget sometimes that our backbones are so flexible. At any rate, remain firm and when these commoners displease you, let them know immediately.
- Make sure to let everyone know when you’re unhappy. Meow, hiss, and write press releases to your kingdom’s journalists—if you must, call a press conference with your Greenmeadow Palace Press Corps. Complain until you are hoarse: humans benefit from repetition, and eventually they will take action if you keep up the complaints.
- Ditch the diplomacy and show the other animals who’s boss. Be as aggressive as possible in your relations with other animals, and felines in particular. Slaughter a few songbirds and drop them at the feet of all whom you must warn. Drop subtle hints that you are the boss—and let the humans know, too, that you are in charge.
- Test your temporary/new humans. Living out in the country can be strenuous, so make sure that your humans are capable of taking care of all your whims and desires.
- Enjoy the peaceful qualities of the countryside. Kill a few lizards, catch a few songbirds, and murder a few bunnies. After establishing yourself as alpha-cat, relax.
I hope this helps, Duchess. Perhaps I shall join you in your lizard-hunting endeavors soon. And remember: complain until you are hoarse.
I love me too,
Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
And Your Humble Master.