For Tabby in Toledo: How to Shut Up a Dog




Dear Hodgkins,

I like being with my family most of the time, but sometimes they really get on my nerves.  There’s this noisy schnauzer that lives here, too.  Sometimes, when I don’t think I can take anymore of his barking fits, I climb on top of a bookshelf and try to push books down on top of him. The problem is I usually miss the target and then I get in trouble for knocking down books.  Do you have any better ideas on how to silence a barking dog? –Tabby in Toledo



Dealing with mutts: a problem that we all face.

This brute came around the corner and attacked me. My superior brain power defeated its brawn.

This brute came around the corner and attacked me. My superior brain power defeated its brawn.

Until I force the canine species into servitude and finish up my after-school world domination project, I am stuck having to deal with all the planet’s idiot dogs—yes, you’re right, that’s redundant.

Shutting up a schnauzer, or any dog for that matter, requires much more than temporary annoyance tactics. Success requires more than wit and cunning, but knowledge, wisdom, tact, and insight into the pitiful canine brain. The last requirement can be most difficult, particularly for our sophisticated feline mental apparatuses—a bit like running the 1985 Microsoft 1.0 Word Processing program Write on a 2053 supercomputer. (Yes, I daresay that I’m ahead of my time.)

Here’s the risks from the dog:

  • The relatively dimwitted pups can engage in tit-for-tat combat known as kerfuffle. It can be painful, but scarcely dangerous.
  • Or they can kill you. It depends on what type of dog you have on your hands.


Here’s what you might face from the human:

  • Forced labor camp, exile in Siberia, starvation rations (maybe even only one meal a day), or getting thrown in the bathtub or pool. Personally I think the last two options are the worst.
  • They may even take the dog’s side. That would be so humiliating you might as well refuse to catch lizards for a few weeks or something stiff like that.


So, Tabby. Here’s my advice:

  • Get in a kerfuffle with the dog and pretend to be seriously injured. The human won’t know better and will then proceed with punishing the dog or exiling it to Siberia. Since you live in Toledo, I doubt you’ll hear him from there.
  • Otherwise, feed it peanut butter. Lots and lots of peanut butter. Preferably laced with tar.
  • If bad comes to worse, kill a mouse and drop it at the dog’s feet. Considering that we’re dealing with a dog, this primitive manifestation of a threat could alert him to the fact that you mean business.
  • Learn how to use duct tape. I’ve found this to be quite effective.
  • Attempt to remove its vocal cords.
  • Join H.O.D.G.K.I.N.S., the group of soon-to-be elitists (after I achieve world domination). I have no idea what good this will do, but it benefits me, so that’s a decent reason for you to join immediately.

That’s all I have to say. And if any of you have other questions, feel free to comment, message me, or email me. I am a fountain of practical and applicable knowledge when it comes to stuff like this.

I love me too,

Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
Expert Tree-Conqueror;
And Your Humble Master.

About Hodgkins Clark

Hodgkins is Supreme Emperor of the Universe, and on top of that is a special forces Lizard-Slayer, recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize, "Coolest Monarch of the Century" (Irrational Geographic), and an expert Tree-Conqueror. You can visit his Facebook page,
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