I am a singer. My human thinks he is, too. Every night I hear him in the shower (you’ve never heard such caterwauling). But this letter is about me, not him. Like you, I am exceedingly humble. I am not seeking attention with my singing, but I sure get plenty of it. Every night I go about as far from the house as I can, climb up on the fence, and practice my singing. My human and the neighbors come out and shout something. I have trouble hearing it over my singing, but I think they’re shouting, “Bravo!” Sometimes they even throw gifts to me, but honestly, I have no need for old shoes. I wonder if I should move farther away from all these music-lovers in order to avoid the undue attention? On the other hand, it would be a shame to let all this talent go to waste. What should I do? — Virtuoso in Victoria
It’s evident that you have talent (remember that you can never really exceed yours truly in musical excellence) but your dilemma is not as dreadful as you think it is. Mainly because you can never be as good as I am, and also because it really isn’t all that hard to learn to perform to exploit humans’ wallets.
- Don’t waste your talent. Use it often and use it well; do not hide your hard-earned vocal superpowers. I recommend hiring an agent and finding some local restaurants, and moving up from there. Book a few theaters in downtown Austin. It won’t be hard to get on American Idol or America’s Got Talent after you perform in Carnegie hall for the first time. Keep a close relationship with celebrities like me. After you appear on nationwide television a few times, build a fandom and use its political, economic, and physical leverage to earn yourself the presidency. Then take over the world. Then abdicate and give it to me (seeing as I’m the rightful Supreme Emperor and all).
- Be gracious and accept your gifts. It will definitely influence your popularity if you publicly use the shoes that they offer you.
- Try to remain accessible to the public. Small to medium-sized venues will probably be a good idea until after you go to Carnegie Hall. It helps establish a dedicated fan base, whereas enormous venues don’t.
Most of all, remember that you don’t have to be good to be appreciated. I suspect that the more people who hear you, the more shoes you will get. Make sure that you don’t overwork yourself. Get a good sixteen hours of sleep every day; performance schedules can be grueling.
I love me too,
Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
And Your Humble Master.