Hodgkins: Why You Should Get a Human

It takes time, but you can train your human to do things like take pictures of you.

It takes time, but you can train your human to do things like take pictures of you.

Are you a cat thinking about obtaining a human?

As worthless as they might seem, they actually can serve useful purposes. They make splendid minions.

Food. Sometimes I am so disgusted with my humans’ laziness and tendencies to bring home canines that I feel like getting rid of them – but then I remind myself that these gullible creatures will provide me with free room and board indefinitely.

(If they forget once or twice, gently remind them to feed you by extending your claws and digging on their legs. Consistent training is key.)

Empire. Without human contacts, you will probably not be able to establish a very large empire. I am Supreme Emperor of the Universe, proving the importance of acknowledging the humans. But forget about establishing an empire unless you want to deal with me. Because I already own everything.

If you feel like adopting a human astronaut, I may permit you to be an imperial governor on Mars.

Independence. They are independent minions: this is a good thing. The best kind of humans are the kind that get lost for a few hours a day – but whatever you can afford. Surprisingly enough, they rarely require assistance.

The Supreme Emperor has spoken. Go forth, and find a human.


Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
Expert Tree-Conqueror;
And Your Humble Master.

About Hodgkins Clark

Hodgkins is Supreme Emperor of the Universe, and on top of that is a special forces Lizard-Slayer, recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize, "Coolest Monarch of the Century" (Irrational Geographic), and an expert Tree-Conqueror. You can visit his Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/hodgkins.clark
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