SOMEWHERE RELATIVELY CLOSE TO SATURN – Due to a severe and likely fatal programming malfunction caused by an autocorrect feature on a government computer, the Cassini Spacecraft has created a hole in the fabric of space.
The hole is a first in recorded history. Officials worldwide are “not sure what to say, and completely confused.” Although it is unclear how the spacecraft actually created the hole, the National Aeronautical and Space Administration (NASA) is doing its best to solve the problem.
“We think it leads into another dimension,” said one NASA scientist, “But we can’t be too sure. No matter where it leads, we just don’t want to go there. Our biggest challenge is to avoid this hole and get Cassini away from this region of the solar system.”
Meanwhile, programmers, physicists, leading scientists, and various computer gurus are attempting to isolate the error and correct it.
“Whatever we did, that was amazing,” one government worker added, “I had no idea how awesome we are and how much power I wield.”
“It’s just that if the same thing happens here on earth, it will not be pretty. The hole out there by Saturn is going to be hard to pinpoint if we ever send a manned mission that far,” explained well-known Astronaut Buzz Beeper, “I always knew that autocorrect in coding programs was a really bad idea.”
NASA scientists currently predict that if the problem is not resolved, half of the solar system will be absorbed either into a parallel universe or a separate dimension. Earth will be in the first 40% of planets, comets, and other objects to be gradually drawn into the hole.
“Nothing too bad should happen. After all, the sun and moon will be moving right along with us, assuming that we don’t correct the error. However, America should rest assured that we will act quickly and we will act smart. Just like Healthcare.gov, maybe this spacecraft has a few glitches. The government will take care of this problem just like it takes care of other problems.” The President said in an address to the nation.
Russia, China, India, and Iran still consider the space race in full effect, thus are refusing to cooperate or offer suggestions as to how to mend the dimension’s tear.
“We are interested in adding this feature to our own spacecraft now,” said an official Indian press release, “The Americans are no better than we are, and we will prove it.”