Nauseous in Nederland

I'm always the expert.

I’m always the expert.

Dear Hodgkins,

I’ve had trouble getting my human to provide decent food.  I try to eat it, but sometimes it’s so bad that it makes me barf.  My human gets mad when he has to clean up the mess.  How can I make him understand the food quality needs to come up a notch or two?  –Nauseous in Nederland

 

Nauseous,

This is a serious problem. I think all of us have dealt with the issue of inferior food quality at some time or another. Humans have a mind all their own, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t knock into even my human’s head that I require canned, seafood-flavored Purina chow. I still have problems—and although these suggestions probably will not be the answer, try them. The problem is that your human is mad. The solution? Make your human mad. Eventually he will take action; just remember to be consistent in your human’s training.

 

  1. Correlation: Never throw up except after eating. This maintains consistency: remember, you are trying to build an association in your human’s mind that inferior food causes nausea. This correlation is the goal.
  1. Repetition: If you throw up once, go eat more food. Then hack your seconds up. Your human will eventually realize that you can’t stand this stuff if you go back for more, vomit, and then repeat the process until the bowl is empty.
  1. Location, location, location: Consistency is crucial as you try to establish a correlation between inferior food consumption and barfing. Try to do this on a schedule (once a day should be fine). Furthermore, if the human doesn’t watch as you vomit, he won’t realize that the food is the direct cause of this ailment. Location is important. If he isn’t in the room, run to him and throw up in his lap or on his pillow, if necessary. If he isn’t even home, do your best to vomit in a noticeable place.

I hope this advice helps. Remember: sometimes training your human isn’t fun. You have to maintain a strict schedule, maintain consistency, and always work to establish a correlation between punishment and inferior food.

I love me too,

Hodgkins

Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
Expert Tree-Conqueror;
And Your Humble Master.

About Hodgkins Clark

Hodgkins is Supreme Emperor of the Universe, and on top of that is a special forces Lizard-Slayer, recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize, "Coolest Monarch of the Century" (Irrational Geographic), and an expert Tree-Conqueror. You can visit his Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/hodgkins.clark
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