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Life at the Top and the Bottom: Homeschooling Through High School

Rachel Clark : May 27, 2015 7:39 pm : Columns, Rachel, Spoofs

Homeschooling through high school means that you're on the top, on the bottom, don't have to ask to go to the bathroom, and can wear  cloaks if you feel like it.

Homeschooling through high school means that you’re on the top, on the bottom, don’t have to ask to go to the bathroom, and can wear cloaks if you feel like it.

 

Many people have questions and curiosities about life as a homeschooled high school student.

 

“Do your family’s students get a home economics credit for doing the dishes?”

“How do you teach integral calculus?”

“Where in heaven’s name did you get such a nice transmission electron microscope?”

“Is school violence a major issue—are there gangs or bullies?”

“Is that a pipe organ in your living room?” 

 

I am asked these questions and many more hundreds of times each year; usually I say “no comment” or refer the askers to my press secretary or my cat. However, at last I have taken the time to personally answer a few of them; do keep in mind, however, that no two homeschools are alike.

 

School Sports

My school football team has never lost a game. Consequently, we have never played a game, either, and none of us know how to play football. That’s beside the point—the point is that we are doing better than Lumberton High School.

 

School Music

This homeschool has a thriving music program. Currently there is a nose-flute virtuoso in middle school here; we had a banjo player until last year, when we banished him to an apartment and gifted his instrument with the ultimate banjo mute (a.k.a, the sledgehammer).

 

College Preparation

Two thirds of my school’s students have learned to like coffee by at least their sophomore years; the other third has not yet reached its—or, well, her—sophomore year.

 

School Lunches

There is no policy forbidding me from bringing, cooking, dissecting, or hunting my lunch. Usually the school lunches are quite good, unless the freshman home economics class is in charge for the week. (I failed the home economics class the first time around after catching the stove on fire.)

 

Science Experiments

My school has never had a lab safety issue or explosion, and the school’s decontamination shower has never been used. (Once some potassium permanganate stained the kitchen countertop, but it blended with the pattern anyway.) Personally, I have only eaten one science experiment; I’m still alive and maybe with superhuman powers to boot.

 

School Violence

My cat kills things, but usually just mice or Entergy workers. The facility is monitored 24/7 by sniper-archer-ninja freshmen sitting on the roof.

 

Socialization

Do not worry about it. I talked to a person once and despite that I think I’m still turning out alright.

 

Home Economics

Chores-for-grades is a simple system my homeschool has developed for making the most of the home economics experience. Target practice and science experiments are integrated to help with the first-time cake failures and carbonized animal tissues.

 

Field Trips

Personally, I am quite taken with the field just west of my house—lovely for geological expeditions. I found a baby armadillo there not too long ago.

 

Calculus? Quantum physics?

Two words: Khan Academy.

 

School Dress Code

Pajamas are acceptable, but chainmail, swim suits, lab coats, or sometimes jeans are also acceptable. The freshman prefers wearing cloaks and chainmail, but I—the junior or senior or whatever you would like to call me—am nocturnal, so it is of little consequence anyhow.

 

School Spirit

Like many high schools, my homeschool likes to show school spirit. My family mainly does this by having pep rallies around the dinner table and then watching DIVE videos* together.

 

Letter Jackets

I actually learned my alphabet long, long ago. I see no use in wearing letters at this stage of the game.

 

Competition

My sister once whacked me upside the head after I beat her at chess. Other than that, student rivalry has not been a significant factor in academics or trips to the emergency room.

 

 In conclusion,

hopefully this has answered a few of your most pressing questions. But again, remember—not all homeschools are all alike, and not many homeschools have such great football teams.

 

*For the uninitiated: DIVE is homeschool celebrity Dr. Shormann’s lifesaving curriculum. Best thing since the Pythagorean theorem.

 

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No Grounds for Arresting the Groundhog

Rachel Clark : February 11, 2015 9:58 pm : Columns, Homeschooled Timelord, Rachel, Spoofs

groundhog

“There are no grounds for arresting this groundhog.” says Phil’s lawyer.

Police in Merrimack, New Hampshire, have issued a warrant for Punxsutawney Phil, the celebrity groundhog given the annual task of either predicting an early spring or six more weeks of winter.

Police claim that “we have received several complaints from the public that this little varmint is held up in a hole, warm and toasty … He told several people that winter would last 6 more weeks, however he failed to disclose that it would consist of mountains of snow!”

In addition to this wild claim, they allege that Phil is “armed and dangerous.”

However, according to New Hampshire law, Phil has done nothing to deserve the warrant—it’s a “gross violation of free speech and personal liberty,” according to several legal experts.

“If Phil were the cause of this snow, we might have legal grounds to arrest him,” said policy analyst Rachel Clark, “However, Phil did not cause the snow, he only predicted it. This is a textbook example of the ‘post hoc ergo propter hoc’ fallacy.”

Clark continued, “Predicting an event and publicly announcing it is a form of free speech that we need to protect. Weathermen and groundhogs don’t deserve arrest for wrongly predicting weather.”

Protesters are rising up in support of the groundhog, and many of them are saying that the entire ordeal is strictly unconstitutional. Punxsutawney Phil did not sign a legal contract, but did agree to the Groundhog Ceremony several days ago, his lawyer tells us.

“He was only told to look for his shadow, nothing more,” the groundhog’s spokesman explained.

The Groundhog controversy is expected to heavily influence the upcoming Merrimack elections, and state police are closely monitoring the volatile situation.

Co-written by Joshua Swearingen. 

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NASA announces radical step forward, is met with opposition

Rachel Clark : January 15, 2015 7:28 pm : Rachel, Spoofs

NASA press conference revealing the agency's official and controversial switch to Starfleet uniforms.

NASA press conference revealing the agency’s official and controversial switch to Starfleet uniforms.

JOHNSON SPACE CENTER – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced Thursday afternoon that the agency is “moving forward” by officially switching to Star Trek’s Starfleet Next Generation uniforms.

 

Bolden says, “NASA has brought innovation, growth, and scientific advancement to the world—and beyond—for decades. I believe that this is one more important step to the future.”

 

Supporters cite NASA’s numerous achievements and inventions, including improvements in water filters and the moon landing, but opponents suspect that there has been an underground lobbying deal with a cosplay corporation.

 

Original Series Star Trek fans are frustrated by the decision, after many years of lobbying for their own cause; Doctor Who fans are perplexed and objected, pointing out the need for long, colorful scarves. Tea Party leaders who support NASA are calling the latter group “unpatriotic limeys.”

 

“Progress always meets its opponents,” President Obama said, affirming Bolden’s decision, “Flat-earthers are going to oppose every inch of forward progress that our administration makes, including this.”

 

Meanwhile, congressmen are splitting on the issue. Some are sticking to their promises of fiscal limitations and claiming that new uniforms on such a large scale are unnecessary, while others are whole-heartedly embracing the idea.

 

“I think it’ll meet with some stiff opposition, and it’s quite probable that some right-wing fringes in the House will oppose it because of the costs—which are quite minute really—and I’m catching wind of some heavy, heavy disagreements on the left. Reid claims that he’s a diehard fan of the Original Series and can’t stand Picard,” Political analyst and Star Trek fan Kirk LaForge explained, “But all in all, if no lawsuits are filed and no bills submitted, it could remain in place. As I hope it will.”

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Of Trolls and Belligerence: A Truthful Satire

Joshua Swearingen : January 6, 2015 6:16 pm : Homeschooled Timelord, Spoofs

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

If you’ve ever mustered the courage to venture into the “comments” section of a YouTube video, you surely know how truly treacherous it can be.

If you haven’t…well…I advise against it.  You see, the perusing of particularly putrid postings has many discomforting and somewhat horrifying side effects, including but not limited to: nausea, vomiting, depression, decreased brain cells, increased hemorrhoidal activity, and the complete loss of hope for humanity.

Though I’ve never quite set keyboard into this magical place of profanity and logical fallacies, I have observed, studied, and documented many of the creatures that inhabit it.

The documentation of a few of these creatures and their behavior is as follows and may be used as a guideline for combating those that dare conflict you.

The Troll.  I start with the troll as it is, sadly, the most common of all beasts.  It secretes sarcasm as a fish secretes slime.  It writhes in it.  It feeds on the attention it receives from its most likely uber-controversial comment.  Remember, when (not if) you stumble upon a troll, you must resist the immediate urge to unleash your wrath upon it.  Don’t feed the trolls.

The Grammar Nazi.  The Grammar Nazi lurks in only the darkest corners of the comments section, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims that have sealed their own fates by making simple grammatical and spelling errors.  I believe these to be a subspecies of trolls as they have similar preying tactics and feeding habits.  Most of these mongrels see themselves as if they were on a grammatical jihad to purge the world of those that butcher the English language.  Should one ever cross your path, the safest defense is to ignore it. However, if you can lure it into its own trap (which shouldn’t be entirely difficult as most are millennials that don’t know a preposition from a fuzzy lump of dog crud) this will catch it quite off guard.

The Anti-Patriot. These good-fer-nuthin’ varmints, as I affectionately call them, will tell you anything and everything that’s wrong with America (whether you asked for it or not).  No matter what the original content pertained to, these freedom-hating vermin will distort it to fit their ideology. I once spotted one trying to say that the entire state of Georgia was inhabited by overweight people.  This was because “Macon” (a town in Georgia) sounds a great deal like “bacon” and it figured that was a good enough case.  I promptly choked on my cheerios.  The best defense is just to throw out a few facts, it’ll often leave without another word.

The Potty-Mouth.  This is a particularly hostile animal who’s personality quite resembles a dimwitted mule.  You see, it rarely has a real (much less valid) argument, rather, it just flaunts its ability to make a lumberjack blush.  It uses excessive profanity and insults as an attempt get its otherwise dull or baseless point across.  Despite all of this, its kind consists almost entirely of boys between the ages of nine and thirteen, rendering them mostly harmless.  The easiest way to rid them of your presence, should you wish not to have an incredibly foul comment thread, is simply to block them.  They’re just not worth your time.

These were just four of the more common blood-boiling ignoramuses that reveal their stupidity whilst chattering about on a keyboard.  And this just barely scratches the surface of internet ignorance.

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President Obama Announces Plan for Jobs Growth

Rachel Clark : December 2, 2014 5:11 pm : Columns, Rachel, Spoofs

White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest Holds Daily Briefing

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest describes the President’s new jobs growth plan.

 

WASHINGTON – President Obama’s newest lame-duck project, the American Jobs and Reinvestment Act of 2014 (AJRA) offers up a bold new plan for United States jobs growth: nuking most populated areas of the country.

 

After the planned nuclear cataclysm, labor supply will be reduced sufficiently so that those seeking work won’t find it difficult to get.

 

“And on top of this, the destruction of most of U.S. civilization will leave a lot of jobs to be done—I think we’ll see a boom in housing, development, building sectors, possibly agriculture, and so much more,” said Jason Furman, Chairman of the Council of Economic Advisers.

 

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained: “The President will not be satisfied until every American who wants work can find a job. That’s why he is working to grow our economy, so middle class families feel confident in their futures and their children’s futures. Well, I mean, depends on if your kids survive … but you get the idea.”

 

Among other things, the first stage of the law’s enactment incentivizes finding a friend or family member and swapping a dollar bill back and forth for fifteen minutes every day to increase economic activity. The AJRA includes a provision that checks will be sent to eligible U.S. households, for the express purpose of being thrown into the wind—hopefully to reach some wind-energy farms and subsequently boost jobs growth.

 

After that, nuclear bombs will be placed in strategically significant cities throughout the nation and then set off; as a result, key American industries will receive a much-needed boost.

 

“New houses will need to be built, all agriculture will need to relocate, and manufacturers of all sorts will find plenty of demand,” continued Furman.

 

He went on to say that while opponents in Congress are calling this plan “radical” and “dangerous,” it is not much different from the government’s response to the financial crisis of  2008 and is extremely similar to President Roosevelt’s New Deal after the Great Depression.

 

“This is common-sense economic policy that has been tried many times before,” the President said, “It’s a natural extension of the policy we’ve been pursuing since 2008.”

 

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) added, “The whole purpose of this legislation is to up spending, consumer confidence, and get the money flowing back into the economy. In the second stage, we’ll self-induce a nuclear apocalypse.”

 

“Increased economic activity is what it will take for Americans to get the jobs and wages that they need and deserve. American industry and small businesses shouldn’t be shutting down—they should be growing and expanding. My new plan will do something to help get business back on its feet again,” President Obama concluded.

 

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Democrats change position on minimum wage

Rachel Clark : November 12, 2014 6:15 pm : Rachel, Spoofs

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

WASHINGTON – The Democrat Party is considering changing its policy on the minimum wage in light of last week’s election results. Sen. Kay Hagan (D-NC) explained it as a “part of our long-term plan to adapt and overcome.”

“People see the federal minimum wage as roadblock in their path to better jobs. It prevents low-skill workers like senators and teenagers from getting their foot in the door and getting a chance to do better,” said Rep. George Miller (D-CA), who will retire in January.

“We must show that we’re flexible, that we can get over our losses,” continued Hagan, “And part of this will be to accept the will of the American people.”

Hagan and her fellow lame-duck democrat senators are concerned that once they retire from office, high minimum wages could be a problem and that even at current rates, they won’t be able to work at their choice of fast food joints.

As low-skill workers with entry-level experience in private sector jobs, the Senate’s banished democrats are now facing difficult decisions: more lucrative jobs—at Starbucks and Cracker Barrel, for instance—are more than likely not available.

Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) expressed earlier this week that he wants to work in higher-end retail, but nobody in the state is willing to pay minimum wage for him.

Sen. Hagan, in the closing remarks of an interview on Saturday, suggested that she may be in favor of complete abolishment of the federal minimum wage altogether and that she hopes there’s a 7/11 somewhere in North Carolina that will accept her application.

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Of Politicians and Hobbits (spoiler warning)

Rachel Clark : October 31, 2014 8:14 pm : Columns, Politics, Rachel, Spoofs

frodo23Frodo Baggins is a lot like a politician.

He inherits a problem—an evil ring of power—from his uncle, who’s become overly attached to it and doesn’t understand all the problems it can cause (just like the others who previously owned the ring).

Frodo’s given the task of destroying it.

 

Almost immediately Frodo is trailed by a completely succumbed previous ring-bearer. This creature, known as Gollum, has killed for possession of the ring before and would do it again.

 

Meanwhile, Frodo is fighting and vowing to not become like Gollum; yet it’s practically unavoidable. The enchantment is too strong.

ryan and frodo

 

The insane previous ring-bearer offers to “help” Frodo and his bodyguard, Sam. He’s going to walk them to Mordor for the sole purpose of destroying the ring. But not before carefully triggering some infighting, separating Frodo and Sam, and then leading dazed Frodo into a giant spider’s lair.

gollum and smeagol

 

At the crucial moment, as he’s about to cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom, he decides the ring is mine. It would have remained so, but the previous ring-bearer lunges forward and gruesomely steals it—and in the fray, falls into the fire.

it's mine, bros

 

After a little drama, Frodo and Sam walk home. Frodo is left with lasting scars, Sam returns to the Shire that he originally left with the sole purpose of protecting (along with Mr. Frodo, of course), and both of them are considered strange hobbits for the rest of their days.

quayle and bush

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Obama: “We don’t have a strategy yet”

Rachel Clark : September 10, 2014 9:22 pm : Politics, Spoofs

we don't have a strategy yet

President Obama wore a light tan suit for the second time in recorded history last wednesday.

WASHINGTON – After the onset of nuclear war, an epidemic of a lethal airborne respiratory virus that slowly transforms humans into rabid flying squirrels, and the beginning of the end of the world, President Obama said at a Wednesday press conference that he does not have a strategy.

“I don’t want to put the cart before the horse,” he said, “We don’t have a strategy yet.”

He went on to explain, “We need to make sure that we’ve got clear plans, that we’re developing them. At that point, I will consult with Congress and make sure that their voices are heard … but there’s no point in me asking for action on the part of Congress before I know exactly what it is that is going to be required for us to get the job done.”

The President later stated that he will decide when and how to take action in a couple of weeks (assuming the earth is still in existence) after he consults with top political donors and politically correct celebrities, and after several days of intense golfing.

“I can’t rush my decision,” he continued, “Whatever strategy I develop needs to be the right one, for the American people and the world.”

President Obama made no further remarks on the doomsday situation on planet earth nor on his second wearing of a light suit, noting that “it’s five o’ clock and the day is over.”

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Irrational Geographic: New Revelations about Ancient Egypt

Rebekah Hair : May 22, 2014 7:11 am : Irrational Geographic, Spoofs

pharaohs

Archaeologists in Cairo have made new discoveries that might change the face of history. According to Dr. Asyut Aswan, an archaeologist who led a team of researchers down to investigate ancient tombs of some merchants, they have discovered ancient references to Global Warming and Pollution.

Aswan released his findings at a press conference in Luxor. His people found ancient inscriptions in the tomb showing pictures of the sun and of the desert. According to his leading Egyptologists, there are hieroglyphics detailing that the desert was hot and the sun was bright.

“This must mean something important, because they wouldn’t write what everyone knows. Obviously, these inscriptions must mean that there was some sort of excessive heating epidemic in Egypt at this time. This discovery might prove that climate change is true, because of the intelligence of the ancients.”

However, Cici LeBlanc, an archaeologist intern that is currently on a dig in South America, wrote to us that she disagreed. “Often these tomb reliefs show scenes from everyday life. We see paintings of hunting and of farming, and we don’t think anything of it. Suddenly, Dr. Aswan finds a painting of the sun on the desert and assumes that it means something different.” Miss LeBlanc’s views are not widely held, however, as most leading scientists are on the side of Dr. Asyut.

Dr. Asyut sent out a press release Monday, in which he dismissed any doubts by Miss LeBlanc. “The Ancients were very brilliant. They built the pyramids without any power tools or modern cranes. We have every reason to believe that these reliefs depict climate change, because they were so advanced that they must have come to the same conclusions we have.” He also stated that Miss LeBlanc’s claims were unsubstantiated because “she simply hasn’t been in the field long enough to understand the true nature of Archaeology.”

If these tombs do indeed show climate change to be an issue, historians might finally be able to unlock the mysteries of ancient Egypt. According to History Weekly, there is a model being developed that fits climate change as one of the factors for the “plagues” attributed to the deity of the Hebrews in Exodus.

Dr. Aswan says that his purposes are purely scientific in searching out ancient mentions of climate change. “I only wish to show the world how the theory of Climate Change has been a founding factor in world history, and that those who speak against it don’t know what they are talking about.”

 

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Congressman Investigated After Bluegrass Gangs Scare Voters in KY

Rachel Clark : May 16, 2014 5:04 pm : Politics, Spoofs

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

FRANKFORT—A Kentucky Congressman is being investigated for criminally suppressing voter turnout at the polls in 2012, after allegedly hiring a group of banjo players to perform at every voting location in his district.

The banjo players were ordered “not to tune their banjos” and even to “deliberately sing through their noses” while performing, in a desperate bid to keep left-leaning voters away from the polls.

Voter intimidation through banjo gangs is nothing new, a tactic utilized particularly in Northern states—where it is not only most effective, but most brutal. Banjo performers are oftentimes ordered to bring amplifiers and even transportable stages.

“It’s a heinous crime to intimidate voters to the extent they can’t walk into the polling location,” said Bob Porter, “I tried to vote that day and they scared me away with the noise.”

The Congressman, a Republican with a conservative reputation, was correct in his assumption that the very blocs that would vote against him would be deterred by bluegrass-country tunes—particularly younger voters.

“I tried my best to walk in, but the constant banjo music … well, I can’t describe the effect it had on me. I couldn’t help but walk away,” said Leah Beryl, a classical musician with perfect pitch, “In the end, I didn’t get to vote for my candidate.”

The representative is likely to be faced with massive fines, but his strategy thus far has been to greet the media—interested in the case and seeking press conferences—with a prelude of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Strangely, the controversial case has not received much coverage.

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BBC Announces New Show, “Doctor Whom”

Rachel Clark : May 7, 2014 12:42 pm : News, Spoofs

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC's 2015 series.

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC’s 2015 series.

LONDON—Late Tuesday the British Broadcasting Corporation, best known as BBC, released its 2015 plans for Doctor Whom, a show about an adventurous and grammatically fascist English Ph.D.

BBC revealed that “the Doctor” will travel through all time and space to correct bad grammar, part of the Labour Party’s push to improve educational aspects of the publicly-funded news organization.

A sneak peek of the first episode shows the Doctor traveling to 15 June 1992 to the United States, in an attempt to alter Vice President Dan Quayle’s spelling of “potato.”

BBC’s Doctor Whom has been hailed by critics as grammatically revealing, particularly since the Doctor’s greatest weakness is his tendency to overreact to double negatives and subject/verb disagreements. This element of the Doctor’s personality is shown in the preview of an upcoming episode, where he and his vehicle—a time machine disguised to look like a metal filing cabinet—are stranded in 19th century rural America.

The Doctor’s name is apparently a secret, but the main character’s “one constant companion” is “sentence diagramming.”

Future exploits of the Doctor will include encounters with space aliens who often use incorrect forms of your and you’re; a much-lauded visit to 10 Downing Street; and a battle with the stubborn inhabitants of Fleet Street, who refuse to acknowledge the correct use of possessives.

English majors are enthusiastic about the show’s New Year’s Eve debut in 2015, but critics are unsure of Doctor Whom’s chances.

“Americans don’t want to be told to spell ‘neighbour’ with a ‘u,’” said one critic, speaking of the show’s potential popularity with Yankees, “But I think we can all agree that this show will probably be more popular with Britain’s language arts majors than any other science fiction series of all time.”

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Bumblebee Smashes Smart Car in Austin Accident

Rachel Clark : May 5, 2014 4:17 pm : Spoofs

smart carAUSTIN—A devastating collision occurred in an Austin residential neighborhood on Monday morning after a Smart car smashed into a large bumblebee. Emergency response teams rushed to the scene and successfully rescued the vehicle’s operator from the wreckage.

Although the car was totaled, the driver escaped with only a sting from the disgruntled insect. Eyewitnesses verify accounts of the destruction.

“It was just buzzing along, the Smart car was, and then a bumblebee just smashed right into it. That thing had to have been at least a two or three-gram insect, clearly it must have had an overdose of nectar or something,” explained one witness, walking her pet lemur when the accident occurred, “It smashed through the windshield and crumpled the car to smithereens.”

Officers investigating the collision hypothesized that the bumblebee was an unusually large specimen.

“Clearly it had to have weighed a whopping half an ounce to be able to smash through that sturdy Smart glass,” said one investigator, “But we’re here to make sure that a collision like this one won’t happen again.”

“It’s a good thing that Smart cars have so much crumple room. Otherwise, I think that it could have been a lot worse,” said a first responder at the scene of the collision, “For instance, it if hadn’t been a Smart car, the operator might have had to turn on the windshield wipers or even go to a carwash eventually. It could be a lot worse, I think.”

The incident has prompted Austin lawmakers to consider a traffic law designating a lane for Smart cars and a lane for heavyweight bumblebees, as well as a potential street sign next to bee hives warning drivers of other large insects crossing the road.

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District 36 Race Reveals Pivot Back to Issues, Policy

Guest : May 1, 2014 9:56 am : Guest Author, Politics, Spoofs

The following satire was submitted by reader who wishes to remain anonymous.

The 2014 Republican primaries have been characterized by tough positions and fierce campaigns, forcing candidates to toe the line and fight for party perspectives. In the Texas Congressional District 36, the runoff battle between candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin has been an uphill battle of principles.

“The two are obviously diametrically opposed, because Babin is on the inside of a arbitrarily drawn, politically-motivated, demographically indicative line usually recognized as the border of a Congressional district,” Eddie, a concerned Lumberton voter explained, “And Streusand is not.”

The issue has taken a front-and-center position in the campaigns as voters within the arbitrary line, subject to change every decade or so, try to re-emphasize the crucial nature of the all-important district borders.

“The line is everything,” explained one campaign volunteer, “If a candidate comes from outside the line, he is out of the question. If he comes from inside the line, he is the Chosen One.”

Southeast Texans are certain that no outsider can understand the complex ideological workings of District 36, a distinct cultural and political entity that ends where the District ends.

Local party leadersTexas Congressional District 36 and Republican clubs have adopted a harsh stance on this critical issue, as they reveal how serious they really are about keeping their focus on true issues and not petty distractions like fiscal or social policy.

“People outside the lines can’t possibly gain insight into our culture or our customs. They have no clue as to what it’s like a mile away, in our district,” a Republican county leader continued.

Party leaders and journalists realize that the question of in vs. out is a crucial issue that could decide the fate of the nation, and that all other policy stances, voting records, and political experience should be utterly disregarded.

“Basically the line is the most important issue that our party is facing today. Ask yourself: are we electing leaders who are within these randomly drawn Congressional lines that are for administrative purposes only?” said a city councilman, “I think it’s the absolute most critical thing that we’re deciding in this election. Nothing else about these guys matters.”

Bob, the random policy analyst on the street, added, “We should forget all other fiscal and social issues and focus on this one. Administrative geography is the one determinate factor that distinguishes between a good guy and a bad guy. The bureaucratic products of gerrymandering known as districts are the only way we can tell if a candidate is worthy of our votes, that, and of course, the important question of whether or not this candidate has signs that are the right color.”

The race continues to heat up, as more and more people realize that the only issue worth talking about is whether or not the candidate is within the shifting, gerrymandered district line or not.

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RNC Changes Symbol from Elephant to Praying Mantis

Rachel Clark : April 29, 2014 4:39 pm : Politics, Spoofs

120903_reince_priebus_ap_328

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus describes Mitch McConnell’s resemblance to a praying mantis.

The Republicans have officially adopted the praying mantis, a cannibalistic insect with disturbing predatory behavior, as the party symbol.

“It was inherently appropriate,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, “This year’s primaries affirmed our decision to make the switch.”

The praying mantis, if left with no other dining options and/or whenever it feels like it, will resort to eating other mantises. Priebus explained that this attribute made for a resemblance that extends far beyond the previous symbol’s significance.

“Elephants have spectacular long-term memories. Republicans don’t, or else they wouldn’t keep doing the same stupid thing over and over and over again,” said a committee member, “Plus I should mention that praying mantises only pretend to be religious …”

Republicans tend to attack fellow Republicans, a trend that has only worsened over time. Party members explain that many attackers have “no idea when to quit” and will even “attack the platform” of the party, or even refuse to quit rambling after the primaries or runoffs are over.

Mantises also eat their young, a characteristic the Chairman also described as “fitting for our party.” He added in a press release that “…with our continuing difficulties in reaching out to the younger generation, and considering that we basically eat them alive as we cave to detrimental policies, higher taxes, marriage penalties and college-funding debacles, it seemed more than appropriate, but almost necessary.”

Priebus said that the change isn’t a prank.

The new party symbol.

The new party symbol.

“Hopefully this embarrassing symbol will motivate those idiots to quit acting like a bunch of cannibals during the primaries and runoffs,” concluded Priebus. “The Committee won’t change it until party members quit eating each other.”

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Irrational Geographic: Big Hogs Initiative

Rachel Clark : March 27, 2014 2:13 pm : Irrational Geographic, Spoofs

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

A beautiful specimen of wild boar.

With a healthy population and determined outlook on life, the wild boar population of Texas is doing its part to control the greedy agricultural capitalists set on destroying Nature’s balance, exploiting poor consumers, and killing faultless farm animals.

“They are really just misunderstood animals. They’re nothing but beautiful—it’s entirely unfounded to not … to not love them,” said Raddi Cahl, a dedicated environmentalist, in the hospital after attempting to hug a member of a rambunctious Texas hog herd.

The hogs incur millions, almost billions of dollars of damage every year, a step forward considering that Texas is one of “those” states that abuses its animal population to prevent mere trivialities like starvation and poverty.

Infinitely majestic and sporting patchy hair, diseased skin, and excessive filth, the wild hog population, the experts agree, does not deserve to be driven out or harmed in any way just because it prevents selfish farmers and land-owners from utilizing their capitalist-geared property for money-making purposes. Lobbyists have already presented the case to Washington, and say that they are making progress.

“They aren’t a bit willing to preserve this environmental marvel, and they’ll take to shooting these poor darling creatures from helicopters before they’ll tolerate dead livestock, spoiled crops, ransacked fields, and ruined careers and livelihoods. Altogether selfish, short-sighted, and just not fitting,” said William Grey, an upstate New York resident who said he had a farmer in his family tree “at some point in the past fifteen generations.”

“I understand exactly how these farmers feel. I have farming in my blood, I mean, at least as close as just fifteen generations ago,” Grey added, “And this is wholly inappropriate and just … selfish and capitalist.”

Irrational Geographic has launched a new initiative to protect these incredible creatures: the Big Hogs Initiative. You can help defeat these selfish farmers and score a victory for these special hogs—all seven million of them—and all the while protect the environment. All you’ll have to do is pay us money: it’s that simple.

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The Question of Potato Chips

Rachel Clark : March 3, 2014 4:39 pm : Lumberton Gazette, Spoofs

What if this had come earlier?

What if this had come earlier?

It is a question that has resounded for the past 158 years, ever since that day in late August of 1856 that the potato chip was invented: what would have happened if it had come earlier?

Many hypotheses include guesses that world peace would have prevailed for centuries at a time; that all human suffering would subside when the “crisps” (as the British know them) were plentiful; and that humans would have discovered a different solution to the cholesterol problem by now.

However, it is necessary to take a more reasonable approach. Like chocolate in South America, salt in the Middle East, and precious metals in Europe, potato chips—if they had been introduced into an ancient environment—would have become more than just a trading material, but a useful commodity and a staple food, somewhat of a combination of all three.

While chocolate was a luxury reserved for the rich, while salt was a fact of Roman life, and while precious metals had become a currency of sorts, potato chips would have become everything at once: an everyday luxury/currency.

As in most cases dealing with luxuries and necessities, the nature of the good involved can spark conflicts: growing populations would require more potato chips, and conquistadores would fight for fortunes or at least modest supplies of the crunchy fare.

Obviously the early rise of potato chips would change world history, thus it is imperative that we consider the consequences of such an early discovery.

Here is an alternative historical timeline featuring the rise of potato chips in 544 B.C.:

544 B.C.: Potato chips are invented and are soon developed into a luxury good offered to emperors, gods, and anybody rich enough to afford them.

507 B.C. – Crisps are now available to the masses, and instantly catch on. Grains are no longer the primary food source, nor do farmers continue to develop better seeds or varieties. Potatoes are now in fashion.

10 B.C. – The Roman Empire, now in existence, is conquering surrounding nations at alarming rates, with massive public support for the wars. Most of the conquests are primarily in search of land suitable for growing potatoes.

80 A.D. – Emperor Titus is assassinated because he would not give potato chips and circuses to the plebeians.

94 A.D. – A potato farmer becomes emperor of Rome, contributing to the industry and financing with the public purse a scientific search for a cure for cholesterol.

285 A.D. – The Roman Empire splits in two after experiencing a 20-year long civil war due to a discrepancy between barbecue potato chips versus sour cream and onion potato chips. The state on the west side is known as the Barbecue Empire, and side on the east is known as Saurecreanonion Republic.

410 A.D. – The Barbecue Empire is sacked by the Vegegoths, who are considered “barbarians” and oppose potatoes, considering them unhealthy.

979 A.D. – Potato chips have now been sent to or discovered in every continent.

1099 A.D. – The first Chewsade, a campaign fighting for a comeback of potato chips in the apparently hostile Middle East (inhabited by descendents of the Vegegoths), takes place.

1206 – Genghis Khan begins spreading vinegar potato chips around Eurasia.

1337 – The Hundred Years’ War begins, as England and France, respectively, fight over the issue of salt-and-pepper chips and lemon potato chips.

1347 – A serious disease begins spreading throughout Europe, mainly because of low-quality potatoes. An estimated 20-40% of the population was wiped out in the first year.

1439 – Johannes Gutenberg invents cellophane, revolutionizing potato chip transportation and storage.

1492 – Christopher Columbus reaches the New World, where he immediately begins testing the soil to see if it is suitable for growing potatoes.

1503 – Leonardo da Vinci begins painting the Mona Lisa, a portrait of a girl and a bag of potato chips.

1689 – John Locke writes a letter concerning toleration, demanding that different types of potato chips be allowed in a free market.

1773 — A protest known as the Boston Chip Party erupts due to King George’s exorbitant tax on potato chips, the industry of which was already a monopoly. The Boston Chip Party’s participants dumped over 342 cases of crisps into the Boston Harbor.

1776 – The Declaration of Independence makes its debut, featuring a mention of the King’s tyrannical policy of potato chip taxation.

1789 – The French Revolution begins, a revolution fought over clashes between proponents of French fries and potato chips.

1879 – Thomas Edison invents an automatic potato-slicer, further cheapening the necessity.

1890 – Spud National Park is established.

1903 – The Wright Brothers make the first powered flight, over a potato farm.

1919 – The Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution kicks off an era known as “Prohibition,” in which potato chips are no longer permitted to be eaten with spinach dip.

1929 – The Great Depression begins and the stock market crashes, particularly blue chip stocks.

1955 – McDonald’s opens and features French fries, a major blow to potato chips, which have been around for over a thousand years.

1957 – Dr. Suess publishes Spud in the Mud.

1969 – America sends a man to the moon, mainly to check to see if there was any potential of utilizing the surface as a potato-growing facility.

1990 – The United States signs a treaty that strikes a deal with Russia, re-introducing potato chips to the nation.

2008 – The 2008 recession begins, resulting in another crucial blow to blue chip stocks.

2009 – President Barack Obama is inaugurated, and soon after he pushes through legislation allegedly making potato chips “affordable,” but essentially socializes the American chip market.

2009 — A political party called the Chip Party forms in protest of the Affordable Chip Act, but in a broad sense, it forms to oppose liberal “health nuts.”

2014 – The Affordable Spud Act results in mass pandemonium and worldwide hunger as a main staple food is restricted from consumers.

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Circus Comes to City Hall

Rachel Clark : February 22, 2014 2:38 pm : Lumberton Gazette, Politics, Spoofs

LUMBERTON – For a limited time only, a locally-based amateur circus is offering a free show at the Lumberton City Hall.

Featuring clowns, magicians, contortionists, and animals of all kinds, the circus is comprised of talented local folk. Visitors describe it as being a one-ring format, but with multiple performers and a variety of acts. Rumors have it that the show is purposefully in conjunction with Lumberton early voting.

Clowns, wearing brightly colored clothes and dramatic expressions, mingle with the crowd and even hand out trinkets, papers, and balloons.

IMG_3874

A collection of clowns waits for guests at the City Hall’s temporary circus.

“Oh, they’re hilarious conversationalists! So talkative, so nonsensical, so fantastical—all this made up stuff, as if they were talking gibberish,” said Earl Boater, who had never voted early before. “It was definitely worth it.”

The contortionists were particularly well-liked, as one spectator described.

“The clowns and the magicians just gathered ‘round those bendy folks,” Betty Clark said, “Obviously they were the most popular of the performers.”

“They were stretching the physical bounds of reality and truth with the contortionist tricks. It was absolutely dazzling the way they could stretch, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say they didn’t have a backbone!” added Liz, a faithful early voter, “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life.”

Magicians, many attendants say, were also quite stunning as they played tricks on early voters and curious onlookers.

“Pointed questions, riddles, muddy references, and so much more,” said Buddy, who isn’t old enough to vote yet, but found out because of his job at Dairy Queen close to City Hall. “I had the time of my life trying to understand them and the tricks. One day I’d like to learn how to do that.”

Children were advised, despite the otherwise kid-friendly show, to avoid the animals, quite a few of which had not been trained and were not caged. Parental guidance was suggested for the snake exhibits and dog show.

“Yeah, the prize pigs are sometimes prone to sling mud around,” said one circus performer, “I would stay away from them if you want to keep clean.”

If you or your family would like to visit the circus, it will make a reappearance on March 4 of this year, with a possible summer review, and the another performance in November.

 

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Dangerous Pest Infestation Threatens Beaumont

Rachel Clark : February 20, 2014 11:20 am : Politics, Rachel, Spoofs

BEAUMONT – A reporter pit has been discovered in a vacant local building, a revelation that has worried both pest exterminators called to address the situation and local residents.

The reporter pit, which the journalists called the “hideout”, was characterized by excessive drinking, pity parties, and Organizing for Action campaign events. Investigators noted that the pit was an extremely dangerous place for conservatives or political candidates in general to enter.

“We found the bones of several campaigns discarded outside, including the Romney 2012 campaign and the Ron Paul campaign for president,” said a law enforcement officer, “There are signs that the victims were beaten brutally in editorials and headline news.”

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is "packed out" with "standing room only."

The reporter pit is constantly buzzing with activity, and in this picture, is “packed out” with “standing room only.”

“I always knew that the Beaumont Enterprise had problems,” said a Beaumont local, a reader of both the Houston Chronicle and the Enterprise. “Now I understand why all of the local television journalists and talk show hosts always acted like they were drunk.”

“These pests are harder to get rid of than mice, sting more than a wasp, and they can hide like snakes. They’re a real problem,” said a professional exterminator called to address the situation.

“This election season has provided a perfect climate, the perfect atmosphere, for this pit to thrive. I can only hope that a conservative victory will drive them away, or at least make them a tad less confident,” said the exterminator.

The reporter pit is expected to remain, and the stolen building may have to be demolished if the pit continues to thrive. Exterminators working in conjunction with the owner of the property have found it difficult to vacate the captured building-turned-saloon, mostly due to the excessive flashes, cameras, tripods, computers, and printers preventing them from entering safely but also because of the pests’ tendency to plaster updates about the attempts on every media outlet within reach.

“But the upside is, if a political candidate is annoying you, just toss a forged campaign document in there, close the door real quick, and watch them have fun. Just like a little kitten or something, playing with its prey,” continued the exterminator.

The pit is said to have a negative effect on Southeast Texas journalism, but experts note that there are such pits throughout the United States. In fact, the hideouts have become particular problems in New York.

Law enforcement officers have not made a statement on the hazardous pit, but did mention that cautious citizens should have nothing to fear.

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Icepocalypse Traumatizes Texans

Rachel Clark : January 25, 2014 9:54 am : Lumberton Gazette, News, Spoofs

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

 

SOUTHEAST TEXAS – A weather phenomenon so rare in Southeast Texas that it has been deemed a “once-in-a-century” occurrence, a trail of snow and ice left by a polar vortex has shut down must commerce and nearly all roads.

 

Most Texas residents have never experienced such inclement weather in their lives.

 

Long-time Lumberton resident Donna Wanto Becolde said, “It swept through here on Thursday night and Friday morning, and all the while it was basically a blizzard of snow and sleet and freezing rain. Approximately a quarter inch of frozen stuff bombarded the Lumberton area. It’s a wonder that I live to tell the tale.”

 

Texas law enforcement officers have been seeking out Southeast Texas residents to ensure that they were still alive in the 33 degree weather.

 

“Why, we was about to go swimming when all of a sudden, the temperature ducked below 72 degrees. I think my daughter might have gotten frostbite,” said a concerned Silsbee father, detailing the surprising beginning of the incident.

 

At least three casualties have been reported from the “icepocalypse” or “snowmageddon” – as inconvenienced and suffering Southeast Texas individuals have dubbed it.

 

“One man walked outside, and unbeknownst to him, the temperature was a lethal 49 degrees. His last words were ‘What is this feeling?’ as he collapsed to the sidewalk – by then strewn with cold raindrops,” said the man’s neighbor.

 

Despite the casualties, traffic disasters, and power outages associated with weather below freezing, most Southeast Texans have survived. Approximately three hundred have ended up in the hospital because of the weather. One woman suffered a heart attack after seeing a snow flurry.

 

Authorities have already assured citizens that counseling will be available to traumatized residents who have endured experiences that include the sensation of sleet falling on one’s head, being forced to turn the heater on, and other such uncalled-for cold weather problems.

 

“It’s far from over,” continued Donna Wanto Becolde, “We’ve still got a lot to deal with before the temperature returns to a reasonable average … I can’t remember having experienced a winter this cold.”

 

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President: “Candy Land is American”

Rachel Clark : December 30, 2013 8:33 pm : Spoofs

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has deemed a centuries-old game, chess, discriminatory and obsolete. His speech on Monday came in response to a Worldwide Chess Tournament held two weeks ago.

 

“I think that chess is discriminatory in more than one way. For instance: this idea of male dominance, the idea that the ‘king’, and not the president (which is a non-gender-specific term), is the most important is foolishness. If chess authorities won’t change this game, I’ll find a way.” the President said.

 

“This game purposefully leaves out toddlers and colorblind people,” President Obama added, “And that’s injustice. This is a hate crime.”

 

The President’s latest legislation has revealed his dislike of the game, and would make a negative view of the traditional game of logic the official opinion of the United States federal government.

 

“I don’t like this game because it gives schemers an advantage.” the President continued.

“We should be careful which attributes we reward, which is why Americans should not be playing this game for scheming logicians and male supremacists. Games like Candy Land and Snakes and Ladders reflect our national character.”

 

“Candy Land is just a beautiful game. Everybody’s equal and everybody can win, if we play the game right.” the President concluded.

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The Blame Game

Rachel Clark : December 21, 2013 10:53 am : Spoofs

obama

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has at last found the source of all America’s problems. As the former Illinois senator suspected, the nation’s mishaps and failings have absolutely nothing to do with his administration.

 

“There are evil people in this world, and there are despicable characters in politics. Constantly they are working for the detriment of the nation, and most of the time, I, just like you, discover these deeds in the newspaper or on television,” the President said in a speech.

 

“While obstructionists and wing-nuts are working to score political points, I’m working for the betterment of the United States. End of story. I am in no way responsible for what has happened in the past year,” President Obama continued.

 

He explained that every political and economic failing of the United States for the past three years has been the explicitly intentional doing of a black and tan Labrador pup named Rufus.

 

“It looks cute. But it scores plenty of political points,” said the President, “In no way can we accept it. We must realize that this monster is threatening our national identity thanks to its senseless actions that resulted in the fiscal cliff, sequester, and government shutdown.”

 

“And after all that, the dog ate my budget.” the President lamented.

 

The President mentioned that this “Lab’s failed experiment” is also responsible for the September 11, 2012 attacks on the American Embassy in Benghazi, the failings of Healthcare.gov, all mass shooting from 2011-2013, high youth unemployment rates, a sluggish economy, and national debts just north of $17 trillion.

 

President Obama concluded, “Every morning I read the newspaper, and every morning I see problems that are none of my doing. After a thorough investigation, we know that the creature responsible is a howling political hound who works for the GOP.”

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NSA Takes Over Santa Claus’ Operation

Rachel Clark : December 16, 2013 3:22 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON — Edward Snowden released a final bombshell revelation that proves what many American children had begun to suspect this holiday season: the National Security Agency has taken over Santa’s annual Christmas operation.

 

The takeover was approved in January of 2013, scheduled for a spring transition. Mr. Claus apparently protested, evidenced by emails between officials.

white house christmas tree

A website to submit letters to Santa failed miserably, due to the fact that most of the world’s 2.2 billion children do not have internet access and do not speak English. The dysfunctional website, costing millions of dollars, has yet to function correctly. The deadline for letters to Santa, meanwhile, is fast approaching and has been denied an extension.

 

Additionally, the previous North Pole address for Santa was changed to an unknown location in WashingtonD.C., apparently for surveillance purposes.

 

“It’s December 16th and Santa still hasn’t got my letter,” one seven-year old lamented, “Because Mom can’t find the address and when we sent it to the old one, all we got was a form letter from the President telling us that it changed.”

 

Snowden’s exposé also revealed illegal targeting of children with conservative parents in the gift application process, unfairly putting them on the “Naughty” list rather than the “Nice” list, despite their behavior.

 

President Obama explains that he heard about the NSA takeover in the news.

 

“I haven’t heard anything about this,” he said, “I sent my letter to the North Pole, and as far as I know, it arrived. I have not heard anything at all, except what I read in the newspaper, just like you did.”

 

Billions of dollars have been spent on the unsuccessful NSA operation, despite the fact that the charitable and extremely successful initiative previously owned by Mr. Claus functioned on a shoestring budget.

 

The time-warp capabilities that Mr. Claus utilized to deliver to houses around the globe —  at precisely midnight — was ditched altogether, and likewise the “old-fashioned” chimney entrance. Fighter jets and the postal service will in theory deliver the gifts, despite the vows of hostile governments to shoot the airplanes down. Experts and technocrats have deemed the United States Postal Service (USPS) incapable of the worldwide challenge.

 

Seven lawsuits challenging the takeover are already pending, and liberal and conservative policy analysts have declared the move unconstitutional.

 

“It’s too late to change anything this year. Only 2% of the gifts have been completed, and the NSA still isn’t sure if it can deliver the presents.” said one organization’s President, “And the worst part is that the United States has made the absolute most horrible diplomatic move it has ever made. Children around the world now hate us for what the NSA did.”

 

Despite the fact that USPS is not up to delivering millions of gifts, the privately owned United Parcel Service has taken up the offer and has already developed a basic time-warp strategy.

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Squirrels Penalized for Eating Out of Bird Feeder

Rachel Clark : December 16, 2013 3:14 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan measure the Senate and House both approved Monday, a nationwide problem of immense proportions was at last addressed. The move came after nearly two decades of lobbying and protests by organizations such as American Songbird Civil Liberties Union and Organization Against Tree Rats.

 

The legislation permanently bars squirrels from eating out of bird-designated feeders, and if homeowners and the caretakers of bird feeders wish to share their bounty with squirrels, the small mammals also known as “tree rats” will be required to submit a permit — signed by two witnesses and the owner of the feeder — or either make use of a separate squirrel feeder.

 

“It is an effort against careless thievery,” said Congressman Burr Feeder, “For years, Americans have had to deal with this issue themselves and we want to end this era of law enforcement deficiency.”

 

Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law -- thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law — thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Congressman Stewie Quirl, who voted against the comprehensive legislation, added, “It’s just peanuts. This is up to the states, and in my opinion, up to counties and towns, and it seems very discrimnatory against squirrels. Especially since there is no equivalent law for birds.”

 

PETA and other animal rights organizations also supported the soon-to-be law of the land in the wake of squirrel launchers and “excessive violence” resulting in millions of squirrel deaths annually.

 

“Shotguns, B-B guns, slingshots, cats, dogs, and knives … it is not right for these cute flea-bitten little critters to die,” said a senior PETA official, “Just because they’re somewhere where they aren’t supposed to be.”

 

President Obama has indicated that he supports the legislation, but most political pundits suggest that the legislation will be ineffective.

 

“I think we’ve already forgotten that squirrels can’t read or write,” said one legislative analyst, “But then again, that’s just because our segregated society won’t allow them in school. This is apparently only the first step of many in our governmental walk to a society of equality.”

 

The legislation’s main objective is to punish petty thievery by squirrels who continually swipe seeds and nuts from bird feeders around the nation.

 

“This is America,” said one ASCLU lobbyist, “We represent songbirds, but we also realize that squirrels need due process of law before they are killed by some crazy kid with a B-B gun, and they also need to have permits.”

 

Opponents are concerned that the costs of trials for squirrels will be excessive.

 

“Nevertheless, this legislation is revolutionary and I whole-heartedly support it,” said President Obama, “And by next week, you will no longer be bothered by squirrels eating out of your bird feeders.”

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New Agency Ensures Quality Embroidery

Rachel Clark : December 16, 2013 3:07 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON — A rare majority of lawmakers has established a new federal agency to ensure the quality of hand embroidery, a heretofore unregulated activity which has, in the past, been a significant political issue.

 

“Everybody can remember the moments when grandma or an aunt or even your mom gave you some hand-embroidered item done sloppily. This inferior gift or product is dangerous, detrimental to our national reputation, and perhaps even the reason for this sluggish economy worldwide,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

 

“It is imperative that we end this disgrace and ensure that consumers and gift recipients are awarded with something worthwhile. Embroidery can be deadly if not done properly, and embroidery-related deaths have jumped up 100% in the past year. The time to take action is now,” explained Representative Sheila Jackson Lee, an outspoken advocate of the legislation that created the new agency.

 

Quality hand embroidery will now be required by law.

Quality hand embroidery will now be required by law.

Widespread “inferiority” of the handcraft has bothered many embroidery aficionados and professionals, but opponents of the legislation cite a conflict of interest.

 

“If you own an embroidery business, sure you’ll want to regulate your competition: cheaper, more popular, and do-it-yourself embroidery crafts,” said Nee Dulle, founder of the Hand Embroiderers for Smaller Government. “Big bucks have been pouring in from around the country so our crafts will be smothered.”

 

Dulle is concerned that burdensome regulation by the new agency, the Embroidery Quality and Consumer Protection Agency (EQCPA) would deter embroiderers from picking up new skills or practicing their craft.

 

New EQCPA regulations require embroiderers to get official approval for their project. Inspectors will double-check to make sure that the project matches the approved description, and that “it is fit for consumers.”

 

“Think of us as the EPA of embroidery, perhaps more like the DOE of embroidery,” said the head of the agency, “We’re here to make sure that you have reliable and safe embroidery. As they say, we’re here to make sure that you don’t try embroidery at home. Needles, scissors, and pins are dangerous and that’s why permits should be required.”

 

The EQCPA has already flagged over seventy thousand violators of the new law, with more unlicensed embroiderers expected to turn up every day.

 

“It’s a new era for America, and new economy is going to emerge. I am so proud of the EQCPA for the work it has already done, and the work that it will do,” the agency’s leader concluded.

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Washington Establishes New Embassy

Rachel Clark : December 11, 2013 10:58 am : Spoofs

 

greg abbotWASHINGTON – The United States has decided to reach out a diplomatic hand to the State of Texas, which officials claimed had “felt estranged” for quite some time.

 

After deciding to ignore 90% of federal laws and suing over another 6%, the Lone Star State is the problem child – or as another Congressman put it, the “wild child” – of the Union.

 

Washington diplomats are on a mission to restore a working relationship with Texas, which in recent years has been the United State’s third most significant trading partner.

 

“It’s almost as if their aim is to break away entirely. They’re almost autonomous now, and we’re still at a loss to figure out how they did it and did it without us noticing,” said Dexter Tex, who will be the ambassador to Austin.

 

“They have become an entirely different entity, it seems, after the President took office in 2009,” said one Louisiana resident.

 

The estrangement began in the 90s, during Clinton’s tenure, but slowly eased after the former Texas governor became the 43rd president. From 2009-2010, Texans began accumulating reasons to hate Washington as calls for more gun control, welfare spending, military cuts, and border security reductions emanated from the “increasingly leftist” headquarters of the United Nations and the United States.

 

Chief executive of the State of Texas, Rick Perry has made no comment on the implications of Washington’s latest diplomatic move.

 

“The reason that we are inching away is because the President puts his foot in his mouth every time he speaks. We can’t be associated with that, it’s way too embarrassing for such a state as this,” said one anonymous Texas representative.

 

The next move for the state is to back away from its obligations to the United States House of Representatives and Senate as it prepares to secede, rumors say. Washington’s late attempt at diplomacy is expected to provide too little, too late.

 

 

 

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NASA Autocorrect Feature Opens New Dimension

Rachel Clark : December 3, 2013 8:44 pm : Spoofs

earth from saturnSOMEWHERE RELATIVELY CLOSE TO SATURN – Due to a severe and likely fatal programming malfunction caused by an autocorrect feature on a government computer, the Cassini Spacecraft has created a hole in the fabric of space.

 

The hole is a first in recorded history. Officials worldwide are “not sure what to say, and completely confused.” Although it is unclear how the spacecraft actually created the hole, the National Aeronautical and Space Administration (NASA) is doing its best to solve the problem.

 

“We think it leads into another dimension,” said one NASA scientist, “But we can’t be too sure. No matter where it leads, we just don’t want to go there. Our biggest challenge is to avoid this hole and get Cassini away from this region of the solar system.”

 

Meanwhile, programmers, physicists, leading scientists, and various computer gurus are attempting to isolate the error and correct it.

 

“Whatever we did, that was amazing,” one government worker added, “I had no idea how awesome we are and how much power I wield.”

 

“It’s just that if the same thing happens here on earth, it will not be pretty. The hole out there by Saturn is going to be hard to pinpoint if we ever send a manned mission that far,” explained well-known Astronaut Buzz Beeper, “I always knew that autocorrect in coding programs was a really bad idea.”

 

NASA scientists currently predict that if the problem is not resolved, half of the solar system will be absorbed either into a parallel universe or a separate dimension. Earth will be in the first 40% of planets, comets, and other objects to be gradually drawn into the hole.

 

“Nothing too bad should happen. After all, the sun and moon will be moving right along with us, assuming that we don’t correct the error. However, America should rest assured that we will act quickly and we will act smart. Just like Healthcare.gov, maybe this spacecraft has a few glitches. The government will take care of this problem just like it takes care of other problems.” The President said in an address to the nation.

 

Russia, China, India, and Iran still consider the space race in full effect, thus are refusing to cooperate or offer suggestions as to how to mend the dimension’s tear.

 

“We are interested in adding this feature to our own spacecraft now,” said an official Indian press release, “The Americans are no better than we are, and we will prove it.”

 

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Email Meant for Biden Goes to President of France

Rachel Clark : December 3, 2013 8:40 pm : Spoofs

 

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has outdone his own dismal foreign relations record after sending an email meant for Vice-President Joe Biden to the President of France, Francois Hollande.

 

The President's latest diplomatic bungle is likely the most damaging of his career.

 

After calling Hollande a “doofus,” the President told France’s leader “you’ve put your foot in your mouth one time too many.” Meanwhile, France has decided to withdraw from negotiation of the Transatlantic Free Trade Area agreement.

 

“Everybody here is embarrassed to even be seen with you,” the President said. “You are beginning to put Washington to shame just because when people think of our leaders, they think of our association to you. You’ve made yourself famous for stupidity. I wish I had never seen your ugly, smirking face.”

 

Hollande has publicized his intentions to cease all diplomatic relations with the United States and is considering stiff sanctions as well. France is contemplating a controversial United Nations move, either “calling for Obama’s resignation” or “leaving this American organization altogether.”

 

President Obama continued, “America is getting really tired of you. I think most of us are almost ready to have nothing to do with you, especially after today’s comment … sometimes I get so mad at you that I want to tell you to resign.”

 

Although his recent Syrian warmongering caused only a relatively small stir, the President’s latest email is now hailed as the “stupidest diplomatic move of the century” and has been nominated for a Nobel Strife Prize. The Neville Chamberlain Foundation is also expected to honor the President with the James E. Carter United States Foreign Relations Award

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Autocorrect Starts World War III

Rachel Clark : December 2, 2013 4:40 pm : Spoofs

 

Retaliatory nuclear blasts are coming from countries all over the world.

Retaliatory nuclear blasts are coming from countries all over the world.

ARLINGTON – A senior Pentagon official inadvertently began World War III after initiating an aggressive nuclear strike against Europe, Russia, and Southeast Asia due to an iPhone’s autocorrect feature.

 

“I was just typing a text to my wife telling her that I was feeling sick,” the former five-star general explained.

 

The Pentagon has already released a worldwide apology, which said “…it was a sincere misunderstanding due to extreme technical difficulties that could not be avoided.”

 

The official attempted to explain in a text that he was feeling ill: “Feeling sick & still leaving for France Moscow China n 2 hrs.”

 

Rather than to the official’s wife’s number, the text was immediately sent to Worldwide Instant Feature Destruct, a now disabled and declassified number given to only ten officials with the authority to call for a nuclear strike.

 

Apple autocorrect edited the text to read: “Calling strike level for France, Moscow, China in 2 hours.”

 

Although twenty-five countries are reacting with retaliatory blasts, China has backed down from the conflict.

 

Chinese President Xi Jingping said, “We were going to cast the American pigs into a pit of everlasting nuclear fire, but changed our minds. Autocorrect is of universal detriment and we sympathize.”

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New Global Warming Legislation

Rachel Clark : December 2, 2013 4:35 pm : Spoofs

 

Going to the beach won't be the same after President Obama's proposal is enforced worldwide.

Going to the beach won’t be the same after President Obama’s proposal is enforced worldwide.

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama made a speech today touting the truth behind climate change and the necessity of quick action in ending the global warming phenomenon.

 

Members of the media are reacting with surprising support to the President’s proposal for new global warming legislation.

 

“Seriously, folks, we all understand the concept. When more mass is placed into or on water, the water level rises. That’s why we are going to have global warming. But a way to counteract global warming is just as obvious,” President Obama said, “I promised to slow the rise of the oceans. So far, I’m good, but not that good. So I want to follow up on my promises. I have a simple five step plan to counteract coastal flooding.”

 

“The President’s five-step plan is more than ‘simple,’” one commentator noted, “It’s brilliant.”

 

“Killing all marine life and taking the dead fish and sea creatures on land would lower the level of the oceans,” the President said, “That’s my first step.”

 

The next phases of his proposed legislation would wipe out all sea plant life, remove billions of tons of sand from the ocean floor, retrieve all shipwrecks, and lastly, make all intercontinental marine travel illegal.

 

“Yup, we’ve all noticed it,” the President said, “When you get into the bathtub, the water level goes up. When you get out, it goes back down. What we’re trying to do is take everything out to make room for more water.”

 

The United Nations has seized onto the legislation and is whole-heartedly supporting the measure, hopefully to enforce the standards in other areas of the world as well.

 

 

 

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President Declares Germ-Free Zone

Rachel Clark : December 2, 2013 4:32 pm : Spoofs

bacteriaWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has made a controversial and revolutionary move in the area of healthcare more than once. Earlier today the President signed, in a widely televised ceremony, a restrictive new law that creates a germ-free zone in the United States.

 

In early 2010, the U.S. Congress gave his trademark Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act its stamp of approval. Today’s move is, unbelievably, more far-reaching and delves into even more unnoticeable areas of everyday life.

 

“In the wake of a virtual epidemic of infectious diseases, it is my duty to enact this legislation for the American people,” the President said in a press briefing, “It is imperative that we end disease, and the only way I can think to do that is to ban germs.”

 

“So far free markets have done a terrible job of ending disease. And you can see the terrible mess we are in right now, now cure for the common cold,” explained Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “Making germs is the only obvious solution to barring bad germs from bothering us anymore.”

 

The move is “undoubtedly political,” said a Balderdash Foundation expert, “because first and foremost it will cheat out rightful beneficiaries of Obamacare subsidies and Medicaid recipients when they are miraculously healed when the law takes affect.”

 

The President added, “This legislation will heal the masses and cure the ill. Finally I will no longer have to worry about getting a cold from snotty-nosed kids or a disease from a person who didn’t wash their hands. I think this will have positive effects for every single person throughout the United States.”

 

However, opponents to the act maintain that “bad bacteria will not comply with these laws,” as Representative Dot Tore, a former general practitioner, protested. “Law-abiding bacteria will do what we ask,” she continued, “But don’t expect disease-causing bacteria to make an exit.”

 

“Law-abiding bacteria, necessary for human digestion and decomposition, will be stripped of their right to exist within the United States. Bad bacteria, meanwhile, will continue to infect Americans with disease. Law-abiding bacteria won’t be able to do a thing to stop it,” a policy analyst at the Lices Institute said.

 

The President’s new law is facing severe opposition, but if not nullified or declared unconstitutional, will take place on January 1st of 2014.

 

 

 

 

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FDA Bans Tinsel

Rachel Clark : November 30, 2013 9:39 pm : Spoofs

The FDA ban is intended to protect children and kittens in particular.

The FDA ban is intended to protect children and kittens in particular.

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration today announced its intentions to ban tinsel. Tinsel, a shiny and sparkly ribbon-like plastic strung on Christmas trees, will soon be illegal.

 

“Think about it: this stuff comes in packages about the size of a small box of spaghetti, it is stringy, and it crunches. Seriously. It is way too much like pasta and I consider it a public health hazard,” White House spokesperson Jay Carney said in a Saturday press briefing, “And I once mistook it for spaghetti myself. Even really smart people think that it’s spaghetti when they’re hungry. Therefore it should be banned.”

 

Tinsel has become increasingly popular in recent years as it has become more affordable. Children and dachshunds are most at risk from the dangers of tinsel. In the past fifty years, there have been two reported deaths, a parrot and a Chihuahua, that resulted directly from tinsel consumption.

 

“It simply isn’t safe to eat. We should not be producing hazardous products like this and nobody should feel scared that a product they own could be misused. If tinsel isn’t foolproof, tinsel shouldn’t exist.” FDA secretary Margaret Hamburg added.

 

A Constitutional Amendment is expected to prevent the sale, production, consumption, or transportation of tinsel in the United States, but analysts predict that there will be a black market for tinsel.

 

“For instance, overseas vacations will mostly serve the purpose of stocking up on this seasonal decoration. People will be going to Europe, Asia, and Australia to buy it. It’s totally predictable, and I don’t understand why they think that they’ll stop it.” One Sceritage Scroungation reporter acknowledged anonymously “These bootleggers will take tinsel back. It’s inevitable.”

 

Protests sporting over seventeen tons of the tinsel have overtaken Washington in Christmas fury.

 

“Hey, the dome looks better now than it ever has before.” One protestor noted.

 

Tinsel bans have been attempted in several countries, ancient and modern. Rome attempted a tinsel ban, but their empire collapsed before the phase-out could be completed.

 

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Dachshunds Are Solar-Powered, Scientists Find

Rachel Clark : November 30, 2013 9:35 pm : Spoofs

Dachshunds like this one literally can't help themselves when it comes to taking naps in the sun.

Dachshunds like this one literally can’t help themselves when it comes to taking naps in the sun.

CALIFORNIA – A team of California scientists has made a discovery that proves a long-suspected theory of dachshund owners throughout the United States.

 

Research on the subject is ongoing, but the group “has enough evidence to make a reasonable conclusion.”

 

Led by Professor Looven Docksies, the University of California team has discovered an all-natural, non-plant example of solar energy: dachshunds.

 

“Dachshunds by nature love to sit in a sunny spot by a window or bask in the sun outdoors. It’s been an unexplained phenomenon for so many years why dachshunds in particular are so crazy about sitting in windowsills and in sunny grass. Now it’s been explained,” Professor Docksies said.

 

The team has made its best effort to prove that “it isn’t true,” but “we just can’t. It’s real,” said one assistant researcher attending the University part-time.

 

Sitting in the sun, although far from unique to dachshunds, is apparently necessary to the long-term survival of this long and low breed of the canine species.

 

“It isn’t photosynthesis, but we’ve observed characteristics of this trait that resemble it very much,” Professor Docksies continued, “I wanted to complete this research because I had a hunch it would be affirmative.”

 

Although dachshunds can survive a month or more of cloudy weather, the pups need sunshine – especially during the cold months – for energy and warmth.

 

“You know, it really didn’t surprise me,” Professor Docksies said, “It shouldn’t surprise anybody.”

 

Meanwhile, news broadcasts throughout the nation are hailing the pending discovery as a boon (or chewboon?) to mankind with possible implications of a breakthrough in dog training.

 

 

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Race to the Slop

Rachel Clark : November 28, 2013 9:53 pm : Spoofs

Obama Discusses US Counterterrorism Policy At National Defense University

 

WASHINGTON – A White House press conference this afternoon formally announced the President’s plans for a much-ballyhooed nutritional assistance program, set to operate directly from public schools throughout the nation.

 

The behind-the-scenes beginning of the widely popular program is mostly unknown.

 

But First Lady Michelle Obama’s No, You Can’t Foundation, a new organization and lobbying group that promotes healthy eating and abstaining from all foods other than ice chips made from filtered lemon water, is suspected to have had considerable influence over the nascent program’s commencement.

 

On Tuesday headlines broke the news that the President decided to go ahead with his governmental nutrition program because of a persuasive NSA briefing. The top-secret government meeting presented information indicating the First Lady’s initiative was given much positive attention in emails, text messages, phone calls, and other forms of electronic communication. Top presidential advisors then decided that it would be “good politics” (in the words of David Axelrod) to care for all the nation’s hungry schoolchildren.

 

“It’s disgusting. It’s terrible to think that our nation could stoop this low and be duped so easily – so much like pigs going to a slaughterhouse.” stated Hodgkins McCoy, a concerned voter.

 

The policy analyst, whom Fox News reporters remarkably found in a man-on-the-street interview, had unwittingly pulled a simile that bears pun-like qualities when considered in light of the program’s out-of-the-box title: Race to the Slop. It is gaining popularity because of the clever spin-off on the 2009 education program.

 

“Our nation’s schoolchildren are being taught to eat such unhealthy food. um, All because they can’t afford anything more nutritious.” the President said yesterday, “uh, uh, I firmly believe, that um, in this nation of opportunity, um, we should be doing better for our kids.”

 

He went on to say that even the food that farm animals eat is healthier than some of the things that cafeterias were feeding children.

 

“Stuff with too much meat, stuff with too much salt – it is all, like, um, um, wait … compromising America’s future for mere, um, um, present enjoyment. My, uh, plan offers federal assistance to schools, uh, throughout the nation, uh, that are, uh, uh, ummm…” the President said in an inspirational quote now circulating worldwide amongst left-leaning health-food advocates. A Teleprompter malfunction had ended his speech.

 

The gist of the President’s plan is to provide affordable, healthy foods to schools throughout the nation. Products such as corn flakes, cattle feed, beets, carrots, potatoes, and oatmeal are the main staples of new cafeteria menus nationwide. The Department of Agriculture’s multi-million dollar cookbook project will help baffled school cooks with the instruction manual “Stews and Slops for Animals of All Kinds: help from the experts at DOA.”

 

 

A school employee from Colorado said, “To tell you the truth, they probably won’t guess that there’s been a change in the first place. The recipes look a lot like what we’ve been using for years, except that we wash our food and most of the time we cook it somehow.”

 

Race to the Slop is now a federal law that will take effect on July 30th of 2013. The law only specifies that government-run schools are subject to the rules and regulations. The nation’s schoolchildren are predicted to be preoccupied with video games for the entirety of 2014 summer vacation. Experts predict that they will not discover the change until well into the next school year.

 

In a CNN interview yesterday, the President’s closing remarks were: “I can’t believe it’s not butter is now the law of the land.”

 

 

 

 

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New Research: “shoes move humans, not the opposite”

Rachel Clark : November 26, 2013 9:48 pm : Spoofs

CAMBRIDGE – Harvard scientists led by Professor Carl Barwin made a significant scientific discovery this afternoon, denoting research that they say will make a splash not unlike the invention of the wheel.

 

Barwin and his University team have been conducting research on the topic for over a year, thanks to federal funding for the initiative, entitled the Metaphysical Mapping Project.

 

The Metaphysical Mapping Project seeks to find scientific evidence for long-suspected theories that popular political figures and others have held to for decades, including the human-to-footwear relationship and the assumption that electricity is not real.

 

Barwin explains, “The MMP is working to find reasonable, understandable explanations for those things in life that are too good to be true, just can’t be real. We are here to challenge commonly held beliefs that stagnate the scientific field and stifle progress.”

 

He continued, “After nearly a year of research, we have formulated several theories of our own, analyzed trends, and have come to a number of conclusions. We realize now that there really must be fairies and magic and gnomes. Evolution can’t explain everything …”

 

The most earth-shaking claim that Barwin derives from his research is that an informal international consensus (excepting Venezuelan and Iranian scientists) which asserts that humans move shoes and not the other way around, is entirely wrong.

 

“No, never,” Barwin said, “Whenever you put on a shoe, many different things happen instantly. The shoe establishes a connection with your brain. Your foot loses control, and your brain is inexplicably connected with the shoe. That explains walking with shoes. That’s why most of us like to wear shoes, because it’s easier.”

 

Scientific authorities have given their two cents on the issue.

 

“It’s brilliant.” Dr. Flip Doodle said, “Nobody has ever thought about something like this. It is too easy to be true, just like the idea that the earth is flat. When a shoe is put on, the shoe is the force that controls your foot. Your brain controls the shoe. I don’t understand why none of us has ever thought of this before.”

 

Bad dancers are mere victims of circumstance, Barwin's research suggest.

Bad dancers are mere victims of circumstance, Barwin’s research suggest.

Researchers are already acting upon the new find.

 

“If we can figure out how to improve this brain-to-shoe connection, everybody on earth can be good dancers,” one prominent scientists anonymously explained, “When one is barefoot, the brain has control of the feet directly, through the body. When one is wearing shoes, the brain has control of the shoes, and the connection comes through the air.”

 

He added, “The humidity, visibility, time of day, and time of year all have something to do with how well the brain controls the shoe. We are finally going to make dancers out of people like me. Extraordinary dancers will be a thing of the past, everyone’ll be good. I am all for this research, by the way.”

 

Federal officials from the Department of Education are latching on to the idea, claiming that it is a “revolutionary but true idea that will change our world.” The discovery could appear in textbooks as early as 2015, and in some areas, in 2014.

 

Barwin’s team will continue its research throughout 2018. Their next goal is to debunk the idea that humans breathe air.

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New Senate Rule Silences Minority in the Senate

Rachel Clark : November 22, 2013 7:51 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – After Senate Democrats recently blocked the ability of the minority party’s to filibuster nominees, President Obama and Senate leaders have created a new system, never before used in the United States, for dealing with congressional dissenters. The change is expected to spark an outcry, but the President explains that “we’ll be ready for the obstructionists who cause a ruckus.”

 

The new system has made politically motivated assassinations, executions, arrests, and torture legal, only as long as U.S. Senators belonging to the majority party order the deed. Those who disagree with Senate leadership and the majority are predicted to be nearly eliminated.

 

Using a legislative tactic called “the nuclear option,” Senate Democrats succeeded in passing the new rule that required a mere simple majority rather than the typical 67 votes.

 

The President, although opposed to the measure in 2005, explained in a White House press briefing that it was necessary to deal with the Republicans’ “unprecedented pattern of obstruction.”

 

Strangely, the Republicans have not spoken out about the new rule, which took effect immediately. Senator Luddie Muther, a Democrat, was the first Senator to incite the furor of high-ranking lawmakers.

Barack Obama

This afternoon the senator was arrested and charged with “annoyance and obstructionism” after claiming that the President’s tie did not match with his suit. Rumors are circulating that he was locked inside a cardboard box with a caterpillar that he was told would sting him.

 

“I’m glad that the Republicans won’t be attempting any type of filibuster or disagreement with us anymore. I mean, who wants to vote against what we say they should vote for when, like, they might just disappear if they don’t?” a spokesperson for the President added.

 

“I’m glad that we’ve made my new hometown a little bit more like my old one. Man, sometimes I sure do miss Chicago,” the President said in a second White House press briefing.

 

98% of interviewed Americans who were given the details of the new anti-obstructionism rule explained that they whole-heartedly supported the law. The 2% that did not agree could not be reached for comment.

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Obama Introduces Anti-Discriminatory Christmas Songs

Rachel Clark : November 22, 2013 7:47 pm : Spoofs

AUSTIN – President Obama made a trip to Austin today to reach out to Texas Democrats as he begins an anti-discrimination campaign in the South. After his Texas tour, the President will blaze a blue trail in the southernmost parts of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, and Florida.

 

“I think the South is uh, the fourth nicest direction I can go. It is too hot and the people are nuts, but it’s a nice place to go. And I noticed that it never snows down here,” the President said, “And that’s why I came down here.”

 

The President’s proposal gravitates around a century-long discriminatory phenomenon in popular and sacred Christmas music. He says that he “intends to stop this unjust tradition.”

 

This obviously isn't Houston.

This obviously isn’t Houston.

“Uh, I like Hawaii, and uh, I like Arizona, and uh, New Mexico too, sometimes. And, uh, it never snows there. Songs, uh, like ‘White Christmas’ or ‘Sleigh Ride’ or ‘Jingle Bells’ just aren’t, uh, like, nice to the South and some other states. The South needs Christmas songs too. You snowed-in people: quit picking on the lower level states.”

 

The plan that the President will be touting throughout his tour is a three-plank anti-discrimination law.

 

The President gained the approval of advisors before proceeding with his latest plan for equality and progress.

The President discusses his plans for the Southern outreach.

“First of all, a new federal agency will be established to reach out to Southern voters, I mean citizens, that will carefully regulate discriminatory Christmas song lyrics. I think that popular Christmas songs won’t be banned, just changed. Second, this agency will create new Christmas songs for the South. Lastly, I think the rest of the nation should be forced to listen to Southern Christmas songs.” Senator I. Haite Snow, a Democrat Senator from South Carolina who is supporting the President’s proposal, explained.

 

“I think it’s long past time that we did something like this,” Floridian Representative Sunny Brainshrivel, also a Democrat, said, “They need to suffer for another two hundred years for the pain they’ve made us go through. Let it snow? No, let it shine. The reign of Southern Christmas music is coming.”

 

Conservatives are comparing the measure to positive discrimination, insisting that the musical affirmative action will change the culture of the United States for the worst.

 

“What’s going to happen? Songs about sunny stuff during December and then in July, maybe we can sing about snow? I just don’t like the obvious way that this is headed,” an analyst at the Heritage Foundation said.

 

Despite the many implications and possible results of the legislation, the President continues to win over vast swathes of the South with promises “that are bound to be broken,” as Senator Cole Dee says.

 

“No more jingle bells,” the President concluded, “it is only fair that we should sing about bellowing livestock. You guys in the South aren’t dreaming of a white Christmas just like the ones you used to know. Let’s sing about brown Christmases. Let’s keep a romantic, yet rustic, approach to our Christmas music.”

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FDA Declares Dog Food “unfit for human consumption”

Rachel Clark : November 22, 2013 7:41 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today unleashed a flurry of new regulations that will affect a significant sector of the economy. A Kansas corporation, Fido Enterprises, has so far been the chief opponent of the newly declared laws, which enforce stringent quality requirements on dog food manufacturers. The motives for the regulations are numerous.

 

“The main reason was that dog food manufacturers were not up to par. Almost all dog foods that we examined were not fit for human consumption,” Commissioner Margaret Hamburg said in an interview.

The President of Fido Enterprises quickly issued a rebuttal.

 

“First of all, I think this infringes upon my rights as an American. If I want to sell something that isn’t fit for people to eat, that’s my business,” he said, “But furthermore, not many people care about the quality of dog food. The vast majority just like the way it tastes.”

 

FDA agents are emphatic that the regulations will benefit mankind.

 

“Yea, it’s just sad that our American companies have the nerve to produce something that isn’t even fit for us to eat. Only dogs? I think that may even be discriminatory. It can’t be Constitutional if it’s discriminatory …” Agent Cannie Ine said.

 

“Totally,” another agent, who wished to remain anonymous, agreed, “If it is discriminatory against people, it can’t be Constitutional. Not to mention that cats have much smaller mouths and teeth. They can’t eat it too easy so it is just not fair.”

Popular dog food manufacturers will be forced to up their prices under new restrictions.

Popular dog food manufacturers will be forced to up their prices under new restrictions.

 

Various committees and agents will inspect and rate the manufacturing locations – and resident agents will be assigned to various plants and manufacturers. The price of dog food and canned corned beef hash are expected to take a dramatic leap, but analysts report no other anticipated effects.

 

Several political parties have spoken up about the new regulations. Although Democrats have initiated a key campaign attempting to win over voters through the FDA’s latest decision, Republicans have been largely silent so they can judge the reaction of swing states and minority groups.

 

The regulations will take effect on January 1, 2014 and will affect one in fifteen Americans.

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Task Farce Searches For Extraterrestrial-Owned Businesses

Rachel Clark : November 18, 2013 7:56 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The President has created a new task farce to examine the reasons for a surprising absence of businesses owned by space aliens.

“It is not American to make it so difficult for such brilliant beings to start a business. If they need help, we should offer a helping hand. Not all of us are just from here. It can be hard to move to a different planet and try to start a new business,” the President said.

 

The new task farce will conduct a thorough investigation for possible reasons that there are so few space aliens interested in owning starting a business. Affirmative action is a possibility, the President hinted.

obama

“Well, I think I know why the space aliens don’t want to start a business here,” Rep. Steve Stockman (R-TX) said, “They are reputed to be higher life forms – otherwise they couldn’t have reached Earth – so if anybody would understand, they understand that it is impossible to start a business in the Obama economy.”

 

The task farce is expected to utilize NASA in its search for alien life. Additionally, the CDC will aid them in detecting unusual citizens that could perhaps be extraterrestrial.

 

“So far we’ve already found a few, we think,” the President declared, “And if there’s a struggling business out there that could be contracted, instead of some well-off multi-state corporation, we should make it our priority to support that alien-owned business instead of some human business.”

 

Within the next six weeks, the task farce is expected to release a five-hundred page report on the implications of the lack of extraterrestrial-owned businesses. A Mars vehicle is expected to revisit the Red Planet, perhaps to bring back some bacteria that could compete with earth bacteria.

 

“We have utterly failed in reaching out to this minority. America, step up with me and let’s support space alien-owned businesses if we can just find them,” the President concluded in his Monday address.

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Democrats Release New Spending Plan

Rachel Clark : November 18, 2013 7:37 pm : Spoofs

ten dollar billWASHINGTON – Democrat Congressmen and Senators today announced their plans to curb spending, revive the economy, and pay back the national debt. Analysts attest to the fact that their plan is simple and will bring sure-fire results.

 

“The national debt is ‘somewhere north of 17 trillion dollars’ as our Republican colleagues are always saying,” Senator Deffi Sitte said in a prepared statement, “We have a modest proposal that will take care of this minor problem. Our party knows to act early, before things get too bad.”

 

Although the plan has received an unprecedented amount of media coverage – on television, radio, the internet, and in other forms of media – its advocates feel that the revolutionary nature of the strategy is worth the effort of “reaching out to Americans.”

 

The President and several Democrat senators made a much-publicized visit to a Maryland school, touting their new policy towards spending.

 

“How many out there are aware how much zero is worth? Well, it isn’t worth anything. That’s why our plan will work so well. Right now our national debt has been driven up by the spending-crazy Republicans. Each one of you has thousands of dollars to pay, but we aim to stop that,” the President said, “All we have to do is keep spending. We must time it carefully; if we stop spending at precisely $18,000,000,000,000, all we have to do is pay back $18. No need to pay back zeroes.”

 

Several children in second and third grades were suspended for arguing with the President. One math teacher, previously a staunch Democrat, became a libertarian.

 

The President added at the end of his speech, “If you help me with this, I will pay the $18 myself. No sweat, I know I can do it.”

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Congress Amends the Ten Commandments

Rachel Clark : November 15, 2013 11:12 am : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Senate recently passed a bill “editing, re-defining, and improving” the Ten Commandments. Although the bill is officially meant to change the Bible, religions other than Christianity will not be required to observe the law.

 

“President Reagan jokingly suggested that we do it, a long time ago,” Senator D. Oofus reminisced, “And ever since then I have thought that it was a great idea. I’m so glad that it has been successful thus far.”

 

The bill was introduced by Senator Oofus and, after extensive amendments, passed with margins of 59-41. If approved by the House of Representatives, the bill will likely become law, in which case it will take affect on January 1, 2014.

 

Some notable differences exist between Sen. Oofus’ bill and the previously accepted Biblical version. The Oofus bill is over seventy-five times longer than the original Commandments, leaving special exemptions for a variety of what orthodox Christians insist upon calling “sins.”

 

The First Commandment and Tenth Commandment have altogether been abolished. Oofus explained that it was “too restrictive.” Obeying either previous law will result in a punishment equivalent to at least copyright infringement, although the Oofus bill is vague in that respect.

 

The Fifth Commandment has been heavily amended.

 

“The gist of it is to do whatever CPS tells you that you should do in a particular situation,” one Senator said, “And likewise with all of the other agencies.”

 

“I think this is a step forward. If it passes, so much of the unconstitutional and discriminatory nature of this stringent Christianity will be gone or altered completely. The First Amendment can really take effect after this bill becomes law.” One Democrat Representative said.

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New Penalty Uncovered in Obamacare

Rachel Clark : November 15, 2013 11:08 am : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – A new investigation has revealed that the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare, penalizes citizens that use more than half of their brain.

 

The so-called “grey matter penalty” will affect only ten million Americans. However, the hefty fines are expected to be extremely burdensome.

 

“I have more than half a mind to go to Washington and protest,” one angry citizen said, “It isn’t fair that this law is labeling us as having an unfair advantage.”

image

The fine will total to around 19% of an insured’s income, which is one of the highest ACA-related rates yet. Many states, including Texas, Mississippi, and Alaska, have registered their complaints with Washington.

 

The President has so far refused to comment on the issue, but White House Press Secretary Jay Carney read an official statement on the newly announced penalty.

 

He said in an offhand remark, “Since everyone will have insurance, we have to insure even the dumbest Americans. Sometimes insurance companies classified these persons as having a defective thinking process, which they considered a pre-existing condition, and even insisted that they were prone to accidents. The smarter are going to have to give a little bit so the dumbest can have some coverage.”

 

“We can think of it as leveling the playing field. Since there is no way to fix stupidity, we’ll just have to compensate them for their natural disadvantage,” he continued.

 

However, Americans are dissatisfied with the policy. Most complaints claim that Congress and the White House created yet another loophole for themselves.

 

“It isn’t fair that they have levied even more taxes on me, just because I think. 92.3751% of them up there don’t think and don’t have to think. Congress should be treated just like everybody else,” Thomas E. Einstein commented.

 

The regulatory dispute is an uphill battle, but several Democrat Congressmen have made an effort to work around the loophole and appeal to voters by learning to use their brains.

 

“I feel strange. If someone asked me, I might accidentally let it slip that I support the Tea Party or something,” Rep. Tammy Duckworth said.

 

The Congressmen’s efforts have so far been counterproductive in that each Congressman successful in closing the loophole for himself as become a conservative Republican.

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IRS Expelled from the National Association for Organized Crime

Rachel Clark : November 13, 2013 5:30 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The National Association for Organized Crime (NAOC) today announced that the Internal Revenue Service’s membership has been revoked. NAOC cited excess severity, inhumane tactics, and multiple violations of the “Mafia Code.”

 

“Man, those guys at the IRS are intolerable. They aren’t even nice to us … like, just last week they denied us non-profit status because one of the guys here accidentally voted Republican in 2012,” a NAOC member said.

irs

The President of NAOC, a former President of the Nazi Lowriders, explained, “It was a difficult choice to make, and one that we have pondered for quite some time. The IRS has been one of our longest standing members. It is painful to revoke their membership like this. They have revolutionized organized crime, but suffice to say, their methods have become too brutal for the honorable Mafia hit men to associate themselves with.”

 

The NAOC’s decision to remove the IRS from its ranks was decided by a committee vote and a subsequent democratic vote that included all members.

 

“Those IRS guys taught me everything I know. I hate to see them go,” Theo Uggery, a member of the American Mafia and a longstanding member of the NAOC, nodded. “They taught me about customer service and they have given the best advice of anyone on how to rob a person blind.”

 

However, members with Uggery’s opinion are few and far between. Most organized crime participants despise the IRS for the hefty portion of their income that it takes.

 

The NAOC’s press release said:

 

“The United States Internal Revenue Service has been one of the NAOC’s longest standing members. However, due to multiple violations of the Mafia Code, we can no longer endorse the organization’s tactics … Lastly, if the IRS continues with its intolerably high tax rates, there will be nothing left for us to steal.”

 

“They just turned and around and treated us like we were some hard-working Americans or taxpayers or something like that. We couldn’t stand the pain anymore,” an anonymous member of the Mafia stated.

 

The Internal Revenue Service’s expulsion from the NAOC has raised concerns among the Democrat Party and a number of caucuses, but has so far not concerned members outside of Washington. On a side note, the NAOC is now expected to receive a modified version of the “Taxpayer’s Best Friend Award” from the National Taxpayers Union.

 

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President Developed Memory Loss, Doctors Say

Rachel Clark : November 12, 2013 5:02 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has developed short term memory loss, White House doctors say. The announcement of the condition came as no surprise to insiders and many Congressmen.

 

In 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and until late this year, the President maintained that “If you like your insurance plan, you can keep it.” He also claimed that the Affordable Care Act, which is commonly called Obamacare, would not affect who one’s doctor is. Recently he has contradicted himself, medical experts report.

 

The Benghazi attacks on September 11 last year also sparked a series of inconsistent statements as well. Within days of making one statement, “He would make a different one,” said Doctor Mimi Ary, a Virginia memory specialist.

 

Brain surgeon Grey Metter added, “I noticed that one day it would be some video he blamed [for the Benghazi attacks], here and there he would let it slip that it might have been a terrorist attack. One day he would say that he had been up the whole night of the 11th keeping up with the Benghazi situation, and the next day he would say that he had known nothing.”

 

The President gives a speech about the Benghazi situation, on September 12, 2012.

The President gives a speech about the Benghazi situation, on September 12, 2012.

General practitioner Jenny Procter also noticed an apparent memory slip throughout the advent of the IRS scandal this spring.

 

“Same thing as with Benghazi,” Dr. Procter noted, “He said he knew nothing, and then within a few hours he said something to the effect of ‘the buck stops here’ and that he was in charge. Then he claimed that he knew nothing. An endless cycle of mental instability.”

 

“At least he has been diagnosed,” a White House staffer said, “And it does explain why on some days he would forget how to add and subtract.”

 

On one occasion, the President forgot about the Civil War. His advisors recollect that he proceeded to blame President George W. Bush for the 1860s conflict.

 

“One speech that was nearly broadcast on television was a pretty severe indicator of memory loss. He knew nothing about death, the common cold, or tornadoes,” the staffer continued.

 

“I found out about it in the newspapers,” the President said many times during the recorded message.

 

Drs. Ary and Metter are in charge of treatment for the President.

 

“We are confident that our revolutionary treatments will be effective. The White House can rest assured that the best care will be available to our ailing leader,” Dr. Metter said in a statement, “If demagoguery is what ails him, we know how to fix it.”

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FDA Approves “Belladonna Berry Pie”

Rachel Clark : November 12, 2013 9:54 am : Politics, Spoofs, The Crab Institute

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today approved several controversial products made by the California company Armageddon Delectables.

 

Started by a non-profit called the Overpopulation Organization, the company specializes in canned and baked goods tainted with cyanide, arsenic, hemlock, and dimethylmercury. The State of California has already approved the soon-to-be nationally marketed “Belladonna Salad” and the “Belladonna Berry Pie.”

 

The FDA has denied that it was influenced by lobbyists in its decision to approve the products.

 

“The only reason that we allow or disallow foods is to keep consumers safe. In no way are we influenced by lobbyists. Banish the thought that this institution could be corrupt,” the Administration’s deputy commissioner for foods, Michael Taylor, explained.

 

“We are as pure as the driven snow,” former FDA agent Cory Ruptt added. He retired in 2012 after becoming a millionaire, he stated.

 

The Overpopulation Organization’s stated mission is to reduce the population (which the group considers to be too large) in “delectable ways with gourmet treats.” The group is proud that of its over 2,000 members, five hundred are multi-millionaires. The Organization’s website is partially disguised to appear as a recipe blog, requiring special login credentials to access the actual Overpopulation Organization’s website.

 

The Belladonna berry, ten of which are toxic enough to kill a grown adult, are described as being "somewhat sweet." Armageddon Delectables has worked around the challenge by merely adding extra sugar to a traditional berry pie recipe.

The Belladonna berry, ten of which are toxic enough to kill a grown adult, are described as being “somewhat sweet.” Armageddon Delectables has worked around the challenge by merely adding extra sugar to a traditional berry pie recipe.

“I’ve never tried a Belladonna berry, but I’m sure it’s delicious. The ants dropped dead when they ate it but they’re so tiny it can’t matter,” Commissioner Taylor continued, “I’m positive that it is safe and I’m, like, 25% sure that we might have tested it on rats or something.”

 

First Lady Michelle Obama is also advocating Belladonna Berry Pie as well as belladonna fruit juice. After publishing a simplified recipe on Letsmove.gov as a Michelle Obama Favorite, the First Lady is now serving the dessert at a NovemberState Dinner meant to reduce partisanship and bring both sides of the aisle together.

 

“Y’know, I don’t like Congress very much. Never have liked it very much. But it’s the least I can do for them, to make them a special dessert,” she said.

 

The head of an FDA committee responsible for the decision said, “It wasn’t a difficult decision. Shouldn’t it be everyone’s right to eat what they want – no, wait, that isn’t right. Ummm … well, I just had this gut feeling that it might be okay.”

 

Late yesterday the committee chairman was arrested for littering Washington streets with hundred dollar bills falling from his pockets. He has made no further comments.

 

Despite the arguments for or against, Armageddon Delectables could now be coming to a store near you.

 

The Belladonna Plant.

The Belladonna Plant.

 

 

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New Executive Order Bans Rain on Presidential Golf Days

Rachel Clark : November 11, 2013 5:26 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama recently signed an executive order making rain on his golf days illegal. Washington has largely remained silent about the move.

One of the President’s aides anonymously commented, “This is a step forward for all of us, because nobody likes to watch a grown man cry.”

The aide continued, “Golly, whenever he misses his golf, he just falls part. Once, an interview was re-scheduled and it interrupted his game. He couldn’t help but let loose a few tears right there on television.”

obama golf

The President’s golf game has been said to be of paramount importance.

Another  White House staffer added, “They all must have misunderstood him. They thought he was choking up because of some bombing or something. We’re tired of this purposeful misinterpretation. Nobody seems to care about how our Dear Leader feels.”

The President himself has not had much to say about the measure except for an interview statement made immediately before his signature was affixed to the order.

“The job of a President is tiring. Every now and then we need to use taxpayer dollars to engage in some worthless sport. Because it seems like it rains at least one of the seven days a week that I want to play, I think it is time that we end this ridiculous disrespect. After all, I am the President of the United   States.” He noted.

Left-leaning meteorologists throughout the United States have become intrigued with the idea of controlling the weather and are now sending lobbyists to the White House and to the Senate to see what can be done for their communities.

“If we want a cold front, maybe we can get one. All we have to do is figure out how to get an executive order signed in time,” one local weatherman added, “I think whoever has the best lobbyist will win. Hopefully that will be me, because I also have a degree in political science. Setting up definite ties to the White House is the way to go.”

“If it’s really just as simple as passing an executive order, we should have done this years ago,” nationally prominent meteorologist Wren Snowden Hailer exclaimed. “We could have avoided Sandy and Katrina the Snowquester.”

Congress has remained skeptical about the order.

“I don’t believe it can be constitutional,” a Congressman from Colorado explained, “Mainly because it might violate the First Amendment. Some religions rely very heavily on rain for their ceremonies and stuff, not to mention that some Native Americans pride themselves in controlling the weather. It wouldn’t be fair to the Indians if we did that, would it?”

Representative Gimee Powers, a Democrat from Wisconsin, is also displeased with the order: “I believe that if the President gets to do it, then I should get to do it too. It is so not fair that he is controlling the weather.”

The majority of Americans have not formulated an opinion on the order, nor do many voters know of the measure. However, radio commentators and right-wing conspirators have largely decided that the order will be ineffective.

At the signing ceremony, the President concluded, “Controlling the weather may be beyond my power. That’s why we have set up a new executive agency.”

 

 

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Potassium Bitartrate Banned in New York

Rachel Clark : November 11, 2013 3:30 pm : Spoofs

ALBANY – The New York State Assembly recently passed a measure banning potassium bitartrate, now considered a dangerous substance in the Empire State. Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to sign the bill later this week in an elaborate and well-publicized ceremony.

 

After a special interest group entitled “Cream of the Tartans” began a comprehensive lobbying campaign, the bill gained popular support among New Yorkers, but most notably Assembly leadership.

 

Potassium bitartrate will now be treated as a hazardous material, and any offending corporation will be fined or taken over. Individuals, stores, and other places of businesses and organizations are likewise banned.

 

“They’ve declared my business hazardous, you know, like explosives or something except that they like bombs more than they do my products. Just two days ago it was safe, and we’re like, using it for whipped egg whites and meringue. Now it’s a banned substance.” Dean O. Barbar, president of a potassium bitartrate manufacturing company, explained.

 

Motives behind the ban are numerous.

 

State Assemblywoman Ima Doofus added, “Potassium bitartrate clearly poses a public health risk and we should make a point of eliminating such risks. Sodium chloride and dihydrogen monoxide are my next two targets. They have both caused me, like, way too many problems.”

 

Almost all of her colleagues agreed that the substance, once a regularly utilized ingredient in baked goods, sounds dangerous.

 

“Anything that has an ‘ium’ at the end and then the next word starts with ‘bi’ it must totally be dangerous. I mean, like, radium or something?” said Assemblyman Chumley Moroniker.

 

Currently, most industries specializing in baked goods have decided to move their headquarters and largest factories to Texas.

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Department of the Interior Releases New Regulations

Rachel Clark : November 8, 2013 5:46 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The Department of the Interior recently released a new set of regulations that will affect a number of national parks. The size, shape, and purpose of prairie dog holes are now heavily regulated. This is because, as Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell explained, “Prairie dog holes account for over 11% of injuries on Midwestern Federal lands.”

 

Prairie dogs are now subject to far-reaching federal regulations to be implemented in part by the Department of the Interior.

Prairie dogs are now subject to far-reaching federal regulations to be implemented in part by the Department of the Interior.

The regulations are controversial and the majority of U.S. prairie dogs object. The little creatures have been swarming Capitol Hill for the past week in protest of the regulations, which will take effect on January 1, 2014. The most notable regulation is that the size of prairie dog holes must not exceed fourteen feet in length, mostly because of safety issues that the Department has noticed over the past ten years. The Department of the Interior and the Environmental Protection Agency were in close collaboration throughout the writing of the regulations, and another factor in the rule’s existence is that larger living spaces are thought to contribute to global warming.

 

The prairie dogs must also obtain permits to construct their homes and dig tunnels. From now on, they will also be held accountable for the injuries associated with their abandoned homes.

 

The President had a hand in the authorization of the regulations and has expressed his support for them.

 

“We need to level the playing field, because I’ve been to TheodoreRooseveltNational Park and the prairie dog grounds need leveling – like, really bad. They need to be held accountable for the injuries that they cause,” the President explained.

 

Several Democrat Midwestern Congressmen have objected to the measure, citing that their constituents and voters should not be forced to comply with the “ridiculous” new set of rules. Otherwise the regulations have been low-profile, only attracting the attention of a mere eight and a half million prairie dogs. Washington, D.C.’s government has created a special exemption for hunters, permits, and rifles in the past few weeks because of the damage the critters incurred on federal property and national monuments throughout the protests.

 

The President continued, “I can’t wait to visit RooseveltNational Park, in 2015, because maybe this time one of my aides won’t fall down a prairie dog mine shaft and break his arm. It’s pretty dangerous out there in the places you aren’t supposed to go. We should make it safe enough to where anyone can go anywhere in our national parks.”

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New Caucus Attracts Dozens of Senators

Rachel Clark : November 7, 2013 7:42 pm : Spoofs

Sen. Harry Reid is one of new caucus' members

Sen. Harry Reid is one of new caucus’ members

WASHINGTON – A group of United States Senators recently announced their plans to establish a new caucus on Procrastination, Political Points, and Partisanship. Several members of the body have already been mentioned as prime candidates for membership.

 

Over a dozen Democrat Senators have announced their plans to join the Procrastination, Political Points, and Partisanship Caucus, abbreviated as the PPPP Caucus. Staffers and interns have already dubbed the meeting the “Quadruple P” Caucus.

 

“I’m an expert at this #procrastination #politicalpoints and #partisanship. #Quadruple P Caucus is for me.” Senator Carl Levin, a Democrat from Michigan, boasted on Twitter.

 

“This is what I came here for and I am going to be an active member of this group,” Senator Joe Donnelly vowed. “It’s relieving to know that there’s finally a caucus for this group. You know, everybody knows that we’re here but nobody ever wants to acknowledge it. It’s a big step towards reality, I think.”

 

Frank Lautenberg and Harry Reid are the brains behind the caucus and have led a number of their colleagues into the group. It is expected to be one of the largest caucuses of the Senate.

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Affordable Refrigerator Act

Rachel Clark : November 7, 2013 6:53 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – Congress recently passed the Affordable Refrigerator Act (ARA), a highly debated piece of legislation that has been considered since the Carter Administration. President Barack Obama is expected to sign the law early tomorrow morning. The implications and peculiarities of the law are numerous. Washington regulators and Executive agencies are already pondering the specifics of enforcement.

 

Many states are opposing the measure, but Alaska and its Governor are leading the fight. Eskimos and other natives of the area insist that the law could be potentially burdensome.

 

“For years, salesmen have been trying to sell us refrigerators. We never fell for it then, we still don’t want them.” An anonymous Eskimo said.

 

According to the ARA, the government will require each and every citizen (in some cases, non-citizens as well) to sign up for a refrigerator. The law also mandates that each person carry the refrigerator with them wherever they go. Yesterday Senator Stewie Peide said, “This creates an incentive to use smaller refrigerators that don’t offer sufficient coverage, and then using a larger, second refrigerator that we haven’t approved yet. The refrigerator market is like the Wild West – way under regulated. We need to change that, and leaving loopholes isn’t the way to proceed.”

 

The Senate then passed another form of ARA that outlaws small refrigerators and also completely nationalizes the refrigerator industry. Currently there are no refrigerators available for sale in the United States because of a sudden increase in demand.

 

Analysts approximate that the cost of refrigerators will increase over 300%.

 

“The wealthy obviously have too much money to know what to do with,” Congresswoman Frieda Rator declared, “The purpose of the Affordable Refrigerator Act is to give everyone a refrigerator. Some Americans don’t have one. Those wealthy people will now get to pay…”

 

Congressman Ike Boxe interrupted in a hearing, “For something that some people don’t want.”

 

Backpackers, bikers, campers, and sports players have already lobbied unsuccessfully against the law, due to the “Everywhere Mandate,” which requires the refrigerator to be carried everywhere that the refrigerator holder goes.

 

The President supports the law and maintains that “If you don’t like your refrigerator, you can keep it.”

 

Experts at think tanks, including the Balderdash Foundation, have backed up his claims. However, policy analysts at a small, Texas-based organization, The Crab Institute, allegedly debunked his assertion, estimating that over fifty million people will lose their refrigerators after just one year of ARA’s implementation.

 

Although the President claims that “if you can afford a refrigerator, you should buy one,” many middle-class Americans worry that it may affect their income. An ARA tax of 20%, plus other fees, will consume about half of an average family’s earnings.

 

Additional regulations require detailed notation of every item to be placed in the refrigerator, when the item will be placed there, and how long it will stay. Over 200 pages of paperwork are involved in the most basic application form yet devised.

 

Refrigerator prices are expected to shoot up over 300%.

Refrigerator prices are expected to shoot up over 300%.

Tea Party rallies are being held throughout the nation to protest ARA’s passage, but particularly the clause in the law that allows the government to monitor the types of food placed in the refrigerator. Homeschoolers will not be allowed to place science experiments in any food-related containment area. Swiss cheese will receive special taxation because the President, and over 60% of IRS employees, do not think it tastes good. The failure to purchase a refrigerator results in fines and an audit by the FDA.

 

Other taxed foods include “anything that we wouldn’t eat and anything that has sugar, butter, or calories in it” as a Democrat Congresswoman mentioned. She continued, “We’ll be earning a ton of money off this thing!”

 

Meanwhile, an unexpected rise in the stock of manufacturers of canned food is puzzling economists around the nation. One of them added, “We think it may be related to Washington, somehow, but you never can tell. It may just be coincidence.”

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New FDA Regulations Anger Texans, Kentuckians

Rachel Clark : November 5, 2013 7:08 pm : Spoofs

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has instituted a mass of new regulations that it says “are critical for the general welfare of the United States” and are “necessary and beneficial to the human race.”

 

A long-heralded ban on dihydrogen monoxide is now finally the law of the land; FDA scientists have concluded that almost all dihydrogen monoxide is unfit for human consumption. EPA scientists reached the same conclusion in a report released yesterday, which mentioned that dihydrogen monoxide also contributes to global warming.

 

The new explosion of FDA regulations mandates that lemonade stands operated by children three years and older should have a country of origin statement that details the history of each ingredient. Most notably, the regulations now require that children wear HAZMAT suits during trips to the grocery store. In Arkansas, Nebraska, and Louisiana, all vehicles owned and operated by native residents must display a hazardous materials symbol. In all fifty states, roadkill meant for consumption will now be subject to inspection and rating by the Administration. Licking bugs off of the windshield of a Ford Explorer is now illegal.

 

Kentucky and Texas have both officially rejected the rules, citing the unconstitutionality of the so-called “Windshield Mandate.” A lawsuit is expected to ensue.

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Ella: A New Miniseries

Guest : May 9, 2015 12:17 pm : Columns, News

 

Ella, starring Avery Danielle, Frank Bolton, Sophie Hannah, Andrew Stecker, Joshua Boertje, Michael Sung-Ho, Martin Brady, and Michael Swan.

Ella, starring Avery Danielle, Frank Bolton, Sophie Hannah, Andrew Stecker, Joshua Boertje, Michael Sung-Ho, Martin Brady, and Michael Swan.

 

Last week the first episode of Ella, a new adventure miniseries, was released on Vimeo.

The award-winning creators of the series—writer and producer Eric Johnson, producer Scott van Dalen, and director Zac Anderson—wanted to craft an impactful, unforgettable story.

“My favorite part of telling stories is the impact they can have,” Johnson said, “I want to tell stories that are inspiring and impactful.”

Ella’s dramatic cinematography, compelling plot, and strong dialogue serve as clear indicators that Johnson, Anderson, and their team succeeded.

“I’m not quite sure where the original idea for this show came from. I wanted to write a story about photographers, so I just sat down and started. That’s how I came up with the concept. From there, I ran the idea by Zac and Scott, and we made the idea bigger and better,” said Johnson.

The story begins as Ella, her friends, and her sister are celebrating her 23rd birthday with a hike into the woods; the group is taking pictures and having fun. (Except Dave, who’s mad that there is no cell phone service in the middle of nowhere.)

“Low key, quiet, and photography,” turns into something far more sinister. Ella sees something through her camera lens that is out of the ordinary: two murderers and their victim.

After seeing what Trev, the leather-clad gunman, doesn’t want them to see, they hikers have to run for their lives. And they all have choices to make. Ought one of them to take the car and leave the others behind? Is there even anything to be done?

Ella has the option of running away from the scene and abandoning her friends, or risking herself to save the others. As the disaster unfolds, she decides to try to find out what is important to the gunmen in pursuit and why they were there in the first place. The story is very much one about characters and their selflessness (or lack thereof):

Johnson continued, “The theme of the show is a very important aspect to me, but not a lot of people ask me about it. The theme of Ella is selflessness. Every character is either selfless, selfish, or somewhere in between. Ella, our hero, represents one extreme while our villain Trev represents the other.”

Ella is an intriguing example of how Christian filmmakers can branch out into new genres and tell a story–from a Biblical worldview–without resorting to cliché plots or preaching a sermon.

You can watch Ella here. (Please note it probably is not suitable for young audiences.)

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Heroes and Cowards

Joshua Swearingen : February 9, 2015 2:26 pm : Homeschooled Timelord, News, Politics

Kyle&MooreMuch has been said recently about the new Clint Eastwood directed film American Sniper. A lot of good. A lot of bad.

The film tells the story of Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in American History.  Kyle served four tours as a Navy SEAL in Iraq, accumulating 160 confirmed kills.  His actions saved countless American soldiers.

Some of the film’s more famous critics include comedian Bill Maher, actor Seth Rogen, and director Michael Moore.

Rogen equated the movie to a Nazi propaganda film and Maher made multiple comments about Kyle being a “psychopath patriot.”  Michael Moore, the keyboard warrior that he is, tweeted saying “We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren’t heroes. And invaders r worse.”

Let’s break all of this down.

Seth Rogen, the man that makes movies full of vulgarity and pot-smoking deadbeats, is criticizing a film that shows the reality of war and tells the story of a man that protected American troops from terrorists.  He’s probably just jealous that his new movie was all but forgotten when American Sniper premiered.

Bill Maher is a comedian.  A controversial one at that.  He makes his living by saying things that many see as offensive.  He mocks patriotism and the military.  He can do this because people like Chris Kyle protected his right to do it.

I’m not even sure where to start with Michael Moore.  The ball-cap wearing butterball is claiming that snipers are cowards. He’s criticizing someone who shoots enemies that can’t shoot back.  But, apparently, Mr. Moore doesn’t understand how war works.  If you get a chance to have an advantage over your enemy, you take it.  You can’t call a man a coward just because he’s more advanced than his enemy.   Well, I suppose you can when you’re Michael Moore.

But in more recent news, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS showed the world its true face.  And suddenly nobody’s pointing out Chris Kyle’s flaws.  You see, ISIS killed Christians.  ISIS beheaded 5 year olds.  ISIS drenched a man with gasoline, locked him in a steel cage, set him on fire, and filmed as he screamed and flailed until he died.

And yet Kyle’s critics are silent about all of this because even they can’t deny that his actions pale in comparison to the death and destruction that ISIS is causing.

They’re silent because it’s not edgy to criticize terrorists.  Bashing a lifesaving American soldier keeps them relevant.  Condemning evil doesn’t.

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The FDA: All About Fads

Rachel Clark : August 6, 2014 5:43 pm : Columns, News, Politics, Rachel

Widespread dietary issues in the United States don't need to be subjected to more federal interference, but rather, less.

Widespread dietary issues in the United States don’t need to be subjected to more federal interference, but rather, less.

Hundreds of lawsuits, thousands of fuming activists, an entire government administration, dozens of significant Congressional moves, and even proposals to cap the size of sodas have resulted from America’s supposedly offensive eating habits.

 

Advocates of government intervention are all too quick to find a problem (currently the most hyped-up issue is the obesity epidemic) and demand that Washington, D.C. address the situation by throwing money at it, assigning a few Congressional-Chief-of-Staff wannabes to a federal administration, and tossing a couple hundred tactical Barney Fifes in the mix for good measure.

 

After successfully shooting down decent education standards and methods, punishing men and women who chose to risk their lives serving our country, butting into medical matters, squeezing between manufacturers and consumers everywhere, and regulating everything from chemical elements in dish soap to the size of seat belts, it was only natural that the federal government would also insist on meddling in what Americans are and are not allowed to eat.

 

The Left despises almost everything American, and yes – that includes diet.

 

The “obesity epidemic” and the rise of weight-related health problems in the United States is definitely a problem, but Washington bureaucrats aren’t the solution and never will be. Government can only do a few things in any situation: tax, subsidize, ban, ignore, or talk about a given problem.

 

For years now, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has adopted a policy of doing each and every one of those things to different foods, manufacturers, and corporations –it isn’t a game of chance, nor is it a matter of what’s scientifically or nutritionally better for the American people. Everything is decided by lobbyists’ money.

 

Government taxing, subsidizing, or banning a product almost always has a negative effect, but it can get worse. When lobbyists introduce cash and the bureaucrats accept it, the American people end up with a corrupt stronghold of special interests dollars fighting against their best interests.

 

Limited consumer options, wealth redistribution, and high food prices are the best the federal government has to offer; the only true solution to America’s dietary woes – if they can be called woes – is to permanently do away with the middleman between consumers and food: namely, government. Allowing free market forces to prosper is the only solution to the problem.

 

Constitutional Authority: Zilch

 

First and foremost, the federal government has no constitutional authority to interfere with food: the Tenth and Ninth Amendments strictly prohibit it. “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people,” reads the Ninth — meaning that even though there isn’t an amendment specifically regarding federal regulation of food, you still have the right.

The Tenth Amendment is fairly self-explanatory: “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” The FDA has no legal right to exist in the United States.

 

Central planners, the only beings that can make adequate food choices.

 

The very concept of central planners – particularly in the area of diet, food choices, and food manufacturing – defies everything that modern liberalism claims to support. Specifically equality, diversity, and justice.

 

If the entire nation (except for the gifted minority running the FDA) is deemed incapable of making its own dietary choices, the left’s “equality” façade becomes apparent. Big government in and of itself assumes that a nation is an institution full of sheep-like citizens so dull they cannot be trusted to make a satisfactory decision about what’s for dinner. Central planners are not the only adequately equipped beings on the planet that can make food choices – although that’s a stretch, because it has yet to be decided if central planners as individuals are capable of making decent dietary choices.

 

The definition of liberty: “the state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life, behavior, or political views.” One’s way of life most definitely does include eating habits. Even from a textbook-defined point of view, the FDA curtails freedoms and intrudes where it’s not welcome.

 

FDA: all about fads

 

Central planners are not only against equality, liberty, and property, they’re corrupt. And they’re government, meaning that they are first in line to accept politically correct standards and fads.

 

The FDA never does promote food safety; it promotes political correctness. In the 60s and 70s, Washington began promoting eating less meat, eggs, and dairy; in the 90s, it began pushing carbohydrates and low-fat options. Currently the government is attempting to promote more vegetables and whole grains.

 

If you sense a flip-flop, maybe that’s because there is one. Knowledge is constantly changing, the scientifically proven and nutritionally ideal diet is always morphing into something new.

 

When it’s considered that what may be assumed as healthy at the moment may actually be tantamount to poison, it makes even less sense to have a central planning organization that bans certain foods and promotes their “safe” and “healthy” alternatives.

 

Barney Fife, revisited

 

barney fifeWhoever thought it was a good idea to give milk regulators machine guns? The FDA is more than a nuisance, it’s a dangerous nuisance. If you start to sell raw cheese or unpasteurized milk, expect a visit from the FDA’s modern-day equivalent of Barney Fife.

 

When government micromanages citizens’ lives, it fosters a police-state mentality. Evidenced by federal sting operations on Amish farms and food co-ops, personal food preference is a crime with the FDA. Importing your food may land you in jail; eating your favorite cheese may be a federal crime; bringing your own lunch to school could be a no-no with stiff consequences.

 

Diet is one of the most personal aspects of life on earth: religion, lifestyle, health problems, preferences, allergies, and price ranges define what a person eats. When government mandates what is allowed and what isn’t, whether raw milk is bad for you or if organic food must be certified, the state eliminates possibilities and violates the inherent rights of mankind.

 

The only solution

 

In the 70s, the FDA’s pet peeve was heart disease; now it’s the obesity epidemic. No matter what the case, the problem could be solved not by more government intervention in what Americans eat, but by less. Fewer regulations means lower food prices; lower food prices means more healthy eating options (for those of us with less grocery money than Michelle Obama has at her disposal).

 

A free market allows you to eat what you want, when you want – but you have to pay, and you have to face the consequences of your decisions.

 

In the end, the lawsuits, fuming activists, and insanely unworkable proposals about banning fast food or GMOs, keeping raw milk illegal, or mandating “nutritious” school lunches is unjustifiable totalitarian baloney.

 

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Parental Rights: Streusand vs. Babin

Rachel Clark : May 21, 2014 7:53 pm : News, Politics

President Ronald Reagan said, “Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn’t pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.”

When the people’s representatives cease to fight, freedom ceases to be. In a famous quote by Edmund Burke, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

“We stopped fighting back against the left’s attacks,” said Liz, of Lumberton, “Freedom ends wherever the apathy starts.”

Who has what it takes to stand against Washington and its invasion of local schools and to stand up for home school freedoms and parental rights?

Who has what it takes to stand against Washington and its invasion of local schools? Who can we trust to stand up for home school freedoms and parental rights?

With the advent of Common Core, the Department of Education’s antics, sweeping education “reforms,” and standardized testing, private schools and home schooling families are faced with the possibility that the educational freedoms they campaigned for, fought for, and sometimes even faced legal consequences for could disappear.

In the similar battle for parental rights, liberals are forever trying to gain the upper hand; through political tools like CPS, they might one day succeed. Even in Texas, educational freedoms and parental rights are under fire: CSCOPE revealed a threatening trend in public schools’ curriculum, while legal situations including the Tutt family’s plight show that the battle for a family’s rights is waging even at the local level.

As John Philpot Curran said, “The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance.”

Unfortunately, not many representatives in Washington are vigilant.

Every session, hostile congressmen introduce bills that would abolish academic freedom as we know it.

As the Texas Home School Coalition’s (THSC) President, Tim Lambert, has mentioned numerous times, candidates who agree with freedom are no longer enough; we need those who are willing to fight for freedom.

One of the crucial races in our area is the runoff between Congressional candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin. While Streusand opposed CSCOPE as Texas chairman of the pro-home schooling organization Americans for Prosperity, Babin’s record and position on the detailed aspects of academic freedom and parental rights are unclear at best.

Streusand and Babin are examples of the fault line in the Republican Party: tea party vs. establishment. The difference between Streusand and Babin is the difference between a vocal, passionate representative and a silent, behind-the-scenes Washington shadow who exists to occupy a chair.

Streusand has received the endorsement of numerous pro-home schooling organizations, among them a difficult-to-obtain stamp of approval from the THSC.

While Babin would sit quietly in his Capitol Hill office building, Streusand intends to fight from the very start, beginning his war on cronyism and corruption with a vote against John Boehner as Speaker of the House.

Streusand—who has made it painfully clear where he stands on issues like the Department of Education, state-mandated testing, and CPS overreach—is willing to fight for Texas from the minute he takes office.

At this point, voters should ask themselves not just what a candidate believes, but also if he will fight for those beliefs. Brian Babin (despite having home schooled for a few years) doesn’t have what it takes to stand up for Texas home schooling families or for their parental rights.

As President Reagan said, freedom is never more than one generation from extinction—if on May 27 voters choose Streusand to be their representative, perhaps oppression can be held at bay for another two years: Streusand is the champion for home schooling rights that Congressional District 36 needs.

 

 

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Too Many Ribbons, Too Little Time: No-Show Babin Strikes Again

Rachel Clark : May 10, 2014 8:31 pm : Columns, News, Politics, Rachel

Babin withdrew his scheduled presence at the Tri-County Tea Party's forum (presumably to avoid debating his opponent) for a ribbon-cutting elsewhere.

Babin withdrew his scheduled presence at the Tri-County Tea Party’s forum (presumably to avoid debating his opponent) for a ribbon-cutting elsewhere.

For the fourth time, congressional candidate Brian Babin cancelled a scheduled public appearance —a move that is frustrating Tea Party supporters who want to hear both sides of the race.

Hosted by the Tri-County Tea Party, the May 12th event has been planned for months. Babin withdrew from the event with only a few days to spare. The cancellation has disappointed many of his supporters, undecided voters planning on attending, and particularly the group’s members, who continue to point out the investments of time and money that were poured into the now-futile event.

The Tea Party’s leader, Aubrey Vaughn, noted that the spaghetti dinner and forum has been in the works for over three months; the Tea Party had contacted the campaigns in early to mid-April, when both of them confirmed their presence at the event.

Babin’s campaign contacted the Tea Party on Friday—three days before the event—and deserted the group for a ribbon cutting in less challenging territory.

“He’s a fair-weather debater,” said Lynn, a Lumberton resident, “He can’t hold his own against Streusand and he seems to know it.”

“Is this becoming of someone who wants to serve? The issue here is above politics. People attending these events are not just his opponent’s supporters, they are his very own. There are still undecided voters who have made it a point to attend events where he hasn’t shown up,” said a spokesperson for the Tri-County Tea Party.

Many of Babin’s supporters maintain that it’s a commonplace scheduling conflict, not an unusual occurrence considering the hectic lifestyles of politicians up for election. Others are suspecting a pattern.

“It’s the fourth time a public event like this one has been cancelled. Is it just me, or is Dr. Babin afraid to face his opponent?” said Elizabeth.

The four cancellations have not only earned Dr. Babin the nickname “No-Show Brian,” but have also been described as a “near dereliction of duty” inappropriate for the “real East-Texan” image that his campaign has been desperately attempting to convey.

Meanwhile, Mr. Vaughn explained that the show must go on: Mr. Streusand is intending to keep his commitment and will still make an appearance despite Dr. Babin’s last-minute decision.

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Babin vs. Streusand: on Obamacare

Rachel Clark : May 8, 2014 12:22 pm : Columns, News, Politics, Rachel

ben streusand

Streusand speaking at the Texas Tea Party Tax Day event on 4/16/14

“Obamacare is not about improved health care or cheaper insurance or better treatment or insuring the uninsured, and it never has been about that. It’s about statism. It’s about expanding the government. It’s about control over the population. It is about everything but health care,” said conservative paragon Rush Limbaugh.

The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, has been one of the most divisive political issues of all time. Even before the 2008 presidential campaign, the PPACA began polarizing Washington and establishing an even greater precedent for redistribution in healthcare—and ultimately, in nearly every area of life.

Republican leadership has often bowed to democrats on the issue, even after regaining control of the House in 2010. Despite being in relatively early stages of enactment, Obamacare’s morally unconscionable mandates, exorbitant taxes, and crippling regulations are motivating taxpayers around the nation to reconsider their choices on the ballot and to search for bold representatives who will challenge the damaging law.

With congressional candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin in a May 27 runoff, voters in Texas Congressional District 36 are seeking a representative who will fight the healthcare debacle at every turn. Babin has made it evident that not only will he yield to corrupt house leadership, he also merely wants to superficially alter the democrat’s pet project.

“Redistribution and centralization are two powerful poisons, detrimental to freedom and economic progress in even small quantities,” said one Lumberton voter, “Obamacare should be weakened and diluted everywhere possible, but the only thing that will spare the United States is a complete defunding or a full repeal.” 

Babin’s constant promise to “pull the teeth out of Obamacare”—signifying that instead of repealing or defunding the law he wants to salvage a trainwreck—pales in comparison to Streusand’s fiery vow to fight Obamacare even when it means political retaliation. 

“Obamacare is having a real and lasting impact—one of totalitarianism and government control. Future generations are going to be faced with our mistakes, trapped in a quagmire of state dictates. We have precious little time left before a full repeal is possible. It doesn’t matter if a representative will vote for defunding or repeal, what matters is if they will actively seek to achieve this end and if they are willing to fight for this cause,” said Sharon Clark, a home schooling mom deeply involved in the political sphere.

As Clark pointed out, a superficial alteration in a draconian regulatory fiasco accomplishes little and demonstrates a deep weakness in the Republican Party.

“I will pull the teeth out of Obamacare,” Babin repeatedly claims, saying little else other than that he “knows” what he’s talking about because he’s a dentist.

Streusand, on the other hand, has intensely affirmed his willingness to fight for a complete repeal, no matter the political or personal consequences.

“America needs a full repeal,” Streusand said, unafraid to back up his words and oppose the House establishment.

“The first vote I’ll make in the House will be against Speaker John Boehner,” he added, in contrast with Babin’s weak statement claiming he will not “attack fellow Republicans.”

Overall, a promise to “pull the teeth out of Obamacare” and a refusal to “attack fellow Republicans” sends a signal that Babin is hesitant to fight for what his campaign ads say he believes in.

“I truly decided to support Streusand when I heard him say that when or if he goes to Washington, he intends to step on a lot of toes and irritate a lot of people. A few minutes later, Babin spoke and explained how he wouldn’t ‘attack fellow Republicans,’” said Jill, who lives in Lumberton.

Obamacare is still very much an issue with southeast Texans—Houston’s impressively numerous medical facilities lead the nation in technology and research, yet Obamacare threatens to suppress the innovation that makes up a large portion of CD 36’s economy. Working families, young entry-level workers, and the elderly alike have a personal stake in supporting Streusand, who fiercely opposes PPACA and its principles.

Ronald Reagan proclaimed that socialism would be left on the ash heap of history—while Babin is apparently reluctant to cross House leadership and discard one of socialism’s primary introductory laws, Streusand is not only willing to do so, but fighting for full repeal. Voters are more than likely going to make the distinction on May 27.

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BBC Announces New Show, “Doctor Whom”

Rachel Clark : May 7, 2014 12:42 pm : News, Spoofs

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC's 2015 series.

The Doctor in an English and literature classroom, featured in an exciting preview of BBC’s 2015 series.

LONDON—Late Tuesday the British Broadcasting Corporation, best known as BBC, released its 2015 plans for Doctor Whom, a show about an adventurous and grammatically fascist English Ph.D.

BBC revealed that “the Doctor” will travel through all time and space to correct bad grammar, part of the Labour Party’s push to improve educational aspects of the publicly-funded news organization.

A sneak peek of the first episode shows the Doctor traveling to 15 June 1992 to the United States, in an attempt to alter Vice President Dan Quayle’s spelling of “potato.”

BBC’s Doctor Whom has been hailed by critics as grammatically revealing, particularly since the Doctor’s greatest weakness is his tendency to overreact to double negatives and subject/verb disagreements. This element of the Doctor’s personality is shown in the preview of an upcoming episode, where he and his vehicle—a time machine disguised to look like a metal filing cabinet—are stranded in 19th century rural America.

The Doctor’s name is apparently a secret, but the main character’s “one constant companion” is “sentence diagramming.”

Future exploits of the Doctor will include encounters with space aliens who often use incorrect forms of your and you’re; a much-lauded visit to 10 Downing Street; and a battle with the stubborn inhabitants of Fleet Street, who refuse to acknowledge the correct use of possessives.

English majors are enthusiastic about the show’s New Year’s Eve debut in 2015, but critics are unsure of Doctor Whom’s chances.

“Americans don’t want to be told to spell ‘neighbour’ with a ‘u,’” said one critic, speaking of the show’s potential popularity with Yankees, “But I think we can all agree that this show will probably be more popular with Britain’s language arts majors than any other science fiction series of all time.”

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District 36: Texas Needs a Champion

Rachel Clark : May 4, 2014 4:18 pm : Columns, News, Politics, Rachel

Texas Congressional District 36Congressional District 36’s runoff between Ben Streusand and Brian Babin is the subject of controversial and acrimonious debate. Whilst Babin supporters decry Streusand as a furtive finagler and “Washington insider” set on “buying” a House seat, Babin is lauded as a honest East Texan who has spent most of his life within the arbitrarily drawn district lines which allegedly bear cultural and ideological significance. (Or so say Babin’s supporters, who impute these qualities to the administrative borders.)

Meanwhile, Streusand—who has spent two decades studying political figures, honing his debate skills, probing into laissez-faire economics, and working with the conservative organization Americans for Prosperity—is not only underestimated, but attacked for qualities and experience worthy only of praise.

Supporters attempt to portray Babin as a working man’s hero and a conservative steady. Babin is an honorable man, and as far as ideology and policy goes, a fairly faithful conservative. However, there does seem to be more to the story.

While it’s clear that Babin isn’t comparable to Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, or Eric Cantor (any such comparisons or attacks are merely speculation), research makes evident that Streusand is the more dependable and strategic of the two—and as a plus, Streusand’s economic knowledge makes him a firm favorite from a Misesian standpoint.

True to the last

Babin and Streusand hold many things in common; in the past both of them have had governmental leadership positions, but the similarity ends there—these men responded to their roles in dramatically varied manners.

Appointed in 2002, Streusand served on the Interstate Oil and Gas Compact Commission and in 2011 became a member of the Texas Pre-Paid Higher Tuition Fund’s board of directors. Raising taxes a total of six times—and on one occasion by as much as 187%—Babin apparently betrayed his conservative principles during his time as Woodville’s mayor, city councilman, and later as a member of the Lower Neches Valley Authority.

As far as policy, positions, political actions, and votes go, the Babin camp can find nothing substantial with which to attack Streusand—who can best be described as “true to the last.”

Only a pea shooter?

In matters of economic knowledge and ideological thought, Streusand holds a strong advantage over Babin. Economic arguments will be at least one crucial factor in these candidates’ effectiveness in Congress, equipping them with the ideological strength they need to oppose Washington’s debacles. Sending a man with little or no economic knowledge to Congress is like sending a soldier armed with a pea shooter into enemy territory.

Streusand, as his volunteers are quick to add, places a high priority on explaining why he believes what he believes. Well-versed in 20th and 21st-century free enterprise economists, he is familiar with not only Misesian theory but the Austrian School of Economics, Adam Smith’s theories of capitalism, and likely the most relevant Washington issue, the ins and outs of the Federal Reserve. He is well-equipped for the hostile environment in the House.

Principles should not be whimsically accepted, but carefully considered and adopted when reason and morality point that direction. Streusand is the one candidate who appears to have a tangible, logical reason for everything that he supports and additionally, an argument to defend his logic. In campaign speeches and elsewhere, he points to economic concepts, principles of Common Law, and God-given rights that define his standpoints.

image

The Constitution is not the reason for conservatism, nor should it be treated like one: it’s the supporting evidence for the real reason, and a restraining order for those who would ignore it.

Meanwhile, Babin points to “constitutional” rights and constitutional rights alone. If a piece of paper (albeit an important one) is the one thing that defines Brian Babin’s arguments and political views, it does not bode well for his potential constituents. Constitutional arguments have severe limits: chronological, practical, and logical. Men are fallible and don’t last forever. The same goes for their documents—it’s one reason why conservatives cannot live on Constitutional arguments alone. As a result, Babin would likely be short work in a House floor debate.

The Law of Association

Finally, the political “Law of Association” gives one last contrast between Babin and Streusand: endorsements, supporters, and issues. Who endorses a candidate, who supports a candidate, what issues the campaign brings up, and how the candidates attack the other reveals a plenitude of between-the-lines political knowledge.

The Beaumont Enterprise is head over heels in love with this man's ideology. If Babin is what he claims to be, what does the Enterprise see in him that's worthy of an endorsement?

The Beaumont Enterprise is head over heels in love with this man’s ideology. If Babin is what he claims to be, what does the Enterprise see in him that’s worthy of an endorsement?

For instance, in 2008 the Beaumont Enterprise endorsed Barack Obama, the most left-leaning U.S. President of all time. In 2012, they endorsed democrat Max Martin for Congressional District 36, the same seat in question on May 27. It should raise a red flag—or perhaps several—that in 2014, the publication has endorsed Brian Babin and is willing to show shameless bias in his favor.

Babin has an impressively lengthy list of endorsements, but there’s nothing impressive about the content.

On the other hand, faithful conservative organizations with prestigious endorsements have shown sincere support for Streusand: Gun Owners of America, Texas Alliance for Life, Pro-Life Nation, and the Texas Home School Coalition are only a few of the reliable nationally operative organizations that have stood behind Streusand and his liberty-oriented positions on gun rights, abortion, and education (to name a few).

Babin attacks Streusand for the location of his residence; Streusand attacks Babin for tax increases and ideological flaws. Babin plays to partisan emotions when he calls Streusand an “outsider” for living outside district lines and an “insider” for having economic and political experience; Streusand appeals to those interested in real and relevant issues. What a candidate attacks is the inverse of what he will defend. Going by what his campaign attacks, Babin seems to have adopted a formula for increasing political tension and strengthening establishment cliques. Streusand, however, should be commended for refraining from personal attacks and focusing on only Babin’s policy blunders.

Good, Better, Best

With even allegedly “conservative” legislators bowing at the altar of cronyism, with lawmakers yielding to the forces of government oppression, and with even the people’s advocates surrendering to corruption and despair, Texas needs a champion to represent the people of District 36. On May 27th, it’s important that you vote not only for a good man, but for the better man—vote for Ben Streusand.

 

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The School Bus to Cuba: Far From Magic

Rachel Clark : April 5, 2014 8:19 pm : News, Politics, Rachel, The Crab Institute

The school bus to Cuba?

The school bus to Cuba?

A dictatorship’s existence hinges on one thing: controlling the people. The most obvious means is through capturing the attention and support of children and teenagers; advocates of big government have been eager to embrace the younger generation, and the chief method by which they can obtain support is through the public education system.

“The plain fact is that education is itself a form of propaganda – a deliberate scheme to outfit the pupil, not with the capacity to weigh ideas, but with a simple appetite for gulping ideas ready-made. The aim is to make ‘good’ citizens, which is to say, docile and uninquisitive citizens,” H.L. Mencken described.

“It may seem conspiratorial to assume that the American education system is involved in a concerted effort to indoctrinate students,” said Jill, a Texas homeschooler, “But every new education ‘reform’ makes it seem less and less like an attempt at political correctness or open-mindedness and more like a deliberate measure to mold the next generation into something only a totalitarian would want.”

With the advent of Common Core and the Department of Education’s centralized debacle, schooling in the United States is going through a metamorphosis which can hardly be described as freedom-friendly.

Creating a compulsory education law is the first step; then comes eliminating alternatives to public education. On a global level, what does a totalitarian education system have in common with the Department of Education?

One of the Nazis’ first moves was to outlaw most youth groups; they replaced them with the mandatory Hitler Youth, an organization that existed for over twenty years and replaced social activity, religion, and sports for many young Germans. The compulsory program claimed an entire generation for its own.

When the Soviets took over East Germany after World War II, “right away, the Soviet occupation force banned private kindergartens …” as Anne Applebaum described in her book, Iron Curtain. Rewriting history textbooks was the next move (after snagging all of the toddlers and sending a great deal of “fascist” teachers, who refused to teach Marxism-Leninism, to the Gulag or leftover concentration camps).

The Soviets, quite literally, hijacked any and all youth gatherings within its territory. When the Hungarian Catholic youth group Kalot, a popular alternative to Madisz, (its state-run counterpart) refused to yield control to the communists, its leaders were arrested and sentenced to labor camp.

Chinese education is described as having “no distinction” between propaganda and indoctrination—and the state keeps a tight grip on children and teenagers, giving them a carefully thought-out diet of propaganda and political rallies from their first day in school.

In Cuba, one of the first moves after the Revolution was to nationalize all schools. The Communist Party of Cuba created the Unión de Pioneros de Cuba” (Union of Pioneers of Cuba). Without joining the Pioneros, Cuban children cannot attend school—furthermore, schools encourage students to turn in their parents if they overheard a conversation about government or other “illegal” activity.

The list of seized education systems could go on.

“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education,” said Albert Einstein. Especially in light of Common Core, most schooling, particularly social studies and liberal arts, is little more than rote drill, regurgitated speculation, and reformulated history. If anything can get in the way of learning, it would be forcing students to memorize nonessential information—and particularly since academic success and the student’s career are contingent on doing well on said standardized test.

Texas would do well to back out of the entirety of the federal education system, although that is well nigh politically impossible.

Leftists know well that few forces can eliminate the resistance like a dictator-friendly mandatory education system. President Barack Obama can be justifiably classified as a leftist, but he still does not qualify as a dictator; the federal government’s education system may be sympathetic to communism and nauseatingly politically correct, but it is not comparable to the “Union of Pioneers” just yet, though it must be noted that there are plenty of similarities between the two systems.

However, that does not mean that parents, students, and citizens should not keep an eye out (government thrives on neglect), nor does it mean that the federal education system does not have the potential to follow Cuba’s example.

While D.C.’s attempt at education is a miserable failure in an academic sense, it is far from conspiratorial to say that bureaucrats and left-leaning special interests groups have been successful. The school bus to Cuba may take a while to get there (it isn’t magic, after all) but for sure it’s on its way.

If Texas is to remain free, public education must be kept under close watch. At this stage in the game, the best thing for children and their freedoms might be to abolish the current system altogether.

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Marcus Agrippa and John Valastro

Rachel Clark : March 25, 2014 10:09 am : Columns, News, Politics, Rachel

pantheon

There’s no difference between Marcus Agrippa using slave labor to build the Pantheon and Lumberton officials forcing citizens to pay for a recreation center — except, no offense, Agrippa’s building looks way better.

“There are two ways to conquer and enslave a country. One is by the sword. The other is by debt,” said John Adams, our nation’s second President.

Wallowing in profligate excess, the federal government has done its part to shackle the next dozen generations of Americans to elephantine financial obligations accumulated from decades, almost a century, of politically-motivated interventionist detritus (i.e., Wall Street bailout, the stimulus façade, poverty reduction programs, social security).

Government officials are quick to approve pork-barrel projects—for instance, a recreation of the Pantheon in Lumberton, the sidewalk to nowhere in Kountze, and the Ford Park debacle in Beaumont, all of which are taxpayer-funded, multi-million dollar whims. Legislative bodies from Congress to City Council are hasty to approve lavish budgets that rob Peter to pay Paul, and as the saying goes, these demagogues can count on Paul’s vote.

Put simply, government, no matter how local, has no authority to construct domes, theaters, towers, or contrived projects like bike trails in rural Southeast Texas, because as John Locke explained and as Thomas Jefferson believed, life, liberty, and property are intertwined rights. When one of them is absent or curtailed, the others are also threatened.

Property rights are in mangled condition, considering the federal government is run by Keynesians—but this means more than just citizens are losing money.

Earning money takes time: when money is taken, time itself has been stolen. Property is an extension of the earner’s being. When government decides to take such-and-such percentage (all taxes added up, this could mean a nearly 75% rate), a citizen has lost jurisdiction of days, weeks, months of his time—and if anything, this is an encroachment on the right to life and liberty itself.

Using tax dollars to construct a Performing Theater Arts Center is no different from Marcus Agrippa using slave labor to build the Pantheon—a legal theft of a man or woman’s time.

Municipal, county, and federal governments tossing around a million here and a billion there seems normal these days, but government is entirely incapable of generating revenue on its own. The money so carelessly squandered on special interest grants and insane building projects is not “government” money in any capacity, but private sector funds.

“Government funds” seems official, authoritative, and legitimate, but in reality, “government funds” are nothing more than the product of what French economist Frederic Bastiat called legal plunder: the legally required and protected taking—theft, plunder, pilfering, purloining—of a man’s time and money.

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The Bonanza Era: Southeast Texas Sawmill Heritage

Rachel Clark : March 3, 2014 4:48 pm : Lumberton Gazette, News, Rachel

An early sawmill in Texas

A logging operation for an early east Texas sawmill

Winding through rows of grayish, unpainted clapboard houses, miles upon miles of alternately dusty and muddy streets buzz with activity: ragged, mop-headed children—coming to or from playtime on the railroad cars and mill ponds—trot in flocks to their collective destination; lanky, grim-faced loggers, who make an honest living but live a tough life, rush away from a screeching whistle signaling that work is over; and housewives watch the chaos as they attempt household chores, despite the airborne sawdust forcing itself into “every nook and cranny.” The sweetish smell of pine logs paired with the natural Texas humidity and the steamy sawmill fog made for a trademark industry odor.

Just 100 years ago, this was the face of southeast Texas.

Logging was an unbelievably large facet of both the United States economy and the southeast Texas economy.

Before the Spindletop oil boom from 1901 to the late 1920s, logging constituted the primary economic pursuit of southeast Texas. Eager entrepreneurs in search of financial success transformed the entire economic outlook for Hardin, Newton, Jasper, and even Jefferson counties.

Recognized mostly for their proximity to major local cities Beaumont, Port Arthur, and Houston, small towns including Kirbyville, Evadale, Silsbee, and even Lumberton owe their existence to the Bonanza Era of Texas sawmills—a period of unprecedented Texas dominance and involvement in the lumber industry, from 1876 to 1917.

Texas is and has been predominantly successful in raising livestock. In modern times, pumping oil and gas has also been an economic forte in the Lone Star state; but for the past 150 years, the lumber industry has also fared remarkably well.

One of the top three logging and lumber-exporting states during the Bonanza Era, Texas has remained among the top ten lumber producing states. The Piney Woods region and the Big Thicket near the eastern border of the state have contributed much to Texas’ excellent lumber statistics, more so than any other area of the state.

Many Texas sawmill towns (corporately-owned communities usually sponsored by the mill’s owners) have disappeared entirely, becoming ghost towns inhabited by surprising numbers of tourists, curious locals, and historians. However, a number of them are still existent and thriving today.

While many sawmill towns have vanished or dwindled to nothing, in some instances the centrally located mills, which once comprised town centers, have survived despite the absence of a surrounding village.

The Voth sawmill can still be seen today, on the banks of the Pine Island Bayou.

The Voth sawmill can still be seen today, on the banks of the Pine Island Bayou.

J. Frank Keith’s 1902 sawmill located in Voth, on the banks of Pine Island Bayou and mere yards within the Jefferson County border, is visible from Highway 96 going from Lumberton to Beaumont. Because of the 2,000,000 acres of dense virgin forest that once covered what is now known as southeast Texas, over six hundred sawmills were in existence simultaneously at one point during the Bonanza Era.

Hardin, Tyler, Polk, Newton, and Jasper Counties were covered in highly profitable stumpage (log measure of uncut trees or logs), to which landowners interested in farming gladly sold the logging rights to nearby sawmills. Jefferson County, however, was a far cry from its heavily-forested northern counterparts.

W.T. Block explains in his book, East Texas Mill Towns and Ghost Towns, “Jefferson County has a most unusual sawmill history, not because of any great forest which stand within its boundaries, but due to its proximity to the Neches River and its tributaries, Sabine Lake, and the Gulf of Mexico.”

The sawmill building on the banks of the Bayou was a relatively large one, a 50,000-foot operation provided with logs from Saratoga. A newspaper later reported in November 1904 that:

…The mill is logged from Stutts on the Warren, Corsicana, and Pacific Railroad in TylerCounty. The logs are hauled from Stutts to Warren, 22 miles, and thence to Voth, 32 miles distant, a total distance of 54 miles…A new dry shed with a capacity of 1,000,000 feet of lumber has just been put up. The logs at Voth are dumped into Pine Island Bayou and are used when needed… 

The Kirby Lumber Corporation, the founder of which is responsible for the construction, existence, and names of many local sawmill towns (including Kirbyville), purchased the Voth sawmill in 1924. In 1948, the mill was still operating at a 75,000 feet capacity and continued until 1952, when the Kirby Corporation consolidated much of its milling operations.

The sawmill, which many residents still drive past on a daily basis, was the last significant sawmill in Jefferson County to shut down—and with it died many of the tight-knit but easily unraveled industrial communities accompanying the era.

Detailing sawmill towns of the Bonanza years, Thad Sitton and James Conrad described in Nameless Towns, “Mill-town children grew up using their heavy-industry surroundings as a playscape. They walked the rails, visited the depot to meet passenger trains, clambered about on the elevated dollyways after quitting time, rode the big draft horses in the corral, tobogganed down sawdust piles, chased each other leaping from stack to stack of lumber air-drying in the yard, walked logs floating in the millpond, stole handcars from the shop and pumped them about on the rails, went on moonlit courting walks down the railroad tracks and across the lumberyards, and otherwise enjoyed the mill town and its environs. For children and adults alike, the millpond did double duty as a center of recreational life, which included fishing, swimming, frog-gigging, and even dancing.”

The Bonanza Era was a time in which thousands of Texans spent their childhoods in such communities; in fact, many elderly southeast Texans can remember—although not necessarily having lived in them—the sawmill towns once abundant in Hardin County. The cultural impact of sawmill towns and the highly influential lumber industry has shaped the local identity.

While the lumber industry remains an enormous force in the Texas economy, it bears little resemblance to the miniature empires established by men like John Henry Kirby. Even as recently as the early 1990s, lumber was a leading industry in Texas. The Bonanza Era is over—but the impact it made on southeast Texas life can never be forgotten.

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Taxpayer, Who’s Got Your Vote?

Rachel Clark : February 27, 2014 8:10 am : Lumberton Gazette, News, Politics

Today, 3288 children will be killed before they are born. Hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars fund these deaths through Washington’s cold-blooded mandates. You will pay for approximately 18000 more of these killings because of Obamacare, thanks to John Cornyn’s decision to fund this appalling fiscal and moral trainwreck.

Today, the government will spend more than ten billion dollars. No need to wonder where it went: thanks to liberal John Cornyn, the government will be spending billions more because of his decision time after time to surrender to President Obama on pork-ridden spending bills. Cornyn has even given Washington a wildcard on the debt limit nine times.

Today and for the next few decades, if you are in need of medical care, Obamacare will force you, taxpayer, to spend more money for less care—and unlike what Barack Obama and his supporter liberal John Cornyn would have you know, if you like your insurance, you can’t keep your insurance. You will spend thousands of dollars more for your healthcare, thanks to Cornyn’s decision to appease leftist Senate leadership and fund Obamacare.

Today is the day to make this decision: who will you, taxpayer, send to Washington as your Texas Senator?

The Lumberton Outpost proudly endorses Congressman Steve Stockman for Senate.

The Lumberton Outpost proudly endorses Congressman Steve Stockman for Senate.

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Cornyn Betrayed Texans, Future Generations with Obamacare Vote

Rachel Clark : February 27, 2014 8:03 am : News, Politics

obamacare

Obamacare has received funding and covert support from GOP senators, John Cornyn among them.

Figuratively stabbing in the back his fellow Texas Senator Ted Cruz, John Cornyn voted to fund Obamacare with his colleagues Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, and Dianne Feinstein. Cornyn’s decision to fund the President’s leftist health care law hands $2 billion to Planned Parenthood, the nation’s largest abortion provider.

“Obamacare has serious implications for those of us with consciences,” Congressman Steve Stockman said, “Abortion is taking the life of an unborn human being, and this atrocity is carefully entwined with the Democrats’ taxpayer-funded flop. Liberal John Cornyn betrayed Texans, especially unborn Texans, when he funded Obamacare.”

Despite laws since the mid-1970s that are meant to prevent taxpayer funded elective abortion or abortion coverage, Obamacare ignored the wishes of half the nation (58% of American adults identify as pro-life, compared to 39% pro-choice) by permitting federally subsidized Qualified Health Plans (QHPs) to provide abortion coverage through state insurance exchanges.

The overwhelming amount of new funding will drastically increase the number of abortions overall, but especially those covered by taxpayer-subsidized plans. A report by the Charlotte Lozier Institute predicts that taxpayers will fund 18,000 additional abortions each year.

A less publicized mandate will make a number of Americans to directly pay for coverage of elective abortions. In one of the federally subsidized exchange plans that cover abortion, enrolled individuals will be required to pay a surcharge of at least $12 per year from their own income. The low-lying fee in violation of religious liberty is so unnoticeable that few individuals or families will be aware of the surcharge’s purpose.

Many other controversial mandates are already coercing citizens into funding politically-charged abortion drugs and procedures, but the voluminous regulations of Obamacare will wreak more moral, religious, and economic havoc than analysts predict.

“Because Obamacare was funded, Texan taxpayers will now foot the bill for the purchase of health plans on exchanges. Some of those plans will cover abortions. This is an outright sellout: the right to life and the right to religious liberty were trampled by Texas’ own senator. Liberal John Cornyn’s footprints are all around this bald-faced backstabbing,” Congressman Stockman said, “He agreed with Harry Reid that human life isn’t as valuable as winning another election and appeasing Washington minions.”

 

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Charlie Henson’s Story

Rachel Clark : February 27, 2014 7:34 am : Lumberton Gazette, News, Rachel

Times have changed since the 1940s.

Times have changed since the 1940s.

The year was 1938. Times were hard, and President Franklin Roosevelt was just beginning his second term, presiding over the worst depression in U.S. history. Trouble was brewing in Europe and around the world. War was on the horizon for many countries. Hitler’s regime was gaining strength, and his shadow of tyranny was soon to stretch across the globe. As many can tell you, things weren’t looking up.

Fifteen-year-old Charles Henson and his family were struggling; he could not find a job. There simply were not any to be had. At that point, any work that could be offered would be accepted, but he stubbornly clung to his dream.

Henson explained, “I had always had a hunger to go to sea. But you had to be sixteen years of age to get a seaman’s certificate from the U.S. Coast Guard.  So, my mother swore an affidavit that I was sixteen and the kind Coast Guard commandant issued me my seaman’s certificate.”

Soon he had an official, paying job at the Magnolia Refinery. As a utility man aboard the S.S. Aurora (a tanker), Henson received $60.00 a month.

“This I sent home to mom. It saved our family.” he said.

From 1938 until 1941, the seafaring teen visited countries all over the world. He “made” every deep water port on the planet.   Africa, China, Russia, and Burma were only a few of the exotic places that Henson visited – at such a young age.

“I could hear all the noises you heard in the old Tarzan movies,” he said, “It was an experience I’ll never forget.”

Henson soon got himself a promotion to ship’s steward.

“My job was to peel potatoes and clean the officers’ state rooms and other odd jobs. It was out of the weather, rain, and cold, so I was happy,” he explained.

On December 7th, 1941, everything changed.

“Well, time went on, Pearl Harbor took place, and the first thing you know this little ol’ seaman got himself drafted into the Army along with God knows how many thousands of others. So, I was sent to Fort Sam Houston.” Henson recounted.

“In the meantime, prior to this, while I was still sailing in the Merchant Marines, the Germans were sinking our ships at a rate of 2 and 3 a day, from Corpus Christi all the way up the coast to Portland, Maine. That’s were they operated. There was one occasion where they sunk a ship in the channel of the Mississippi River. That’s how close they came.” Needless to say, the United States was hurting badly.

The Armed Forces were getting into gear, but unfortunately the Navy was lacking.

“Been there just a couple of months when a Colonel came in one day and they gathered up all the guys that had Seaman certificates, which included me, about forty-five of us if I remember right. He said “We’re taking you to CampEdwards, Massachusetts.” Where they were going to form a brand new organization, called the Engineering, Boat, and Shore Regiment. You’ve seen pictures of the invasion at Normandy of the little boats coming in? Well, those little boats, as Germans used to refer to them as, were the Higgins Boats. They carried the troops from the ship to the shore. That’s what we first got started in at CampEdwards, Massachusetts, called the Engineer, Boat, and Shore regiment. So, we trained with those little boats for four or five months. And first thing off the bat they promoted me to Sergeant because of my experience on ships and made me a coxswain.”

By this time, trouble was really brewing. Millions of men were headed off to war, thousands to never return. Germany remained defiant; it continued its mission to conquer the world.

Henson continued, “Anyway, about four or five months after we created the Engineer, Boat, and Shore regiment, they had a notice on the bulletin board one day for everybody that held a seaman certificate to report for a big meeting they were going to have. So we did. And what happened – most people aren’t aware of what I’m fixing to tell you – out in California, there was a shipbuilder by the name of Henry Kaiser. Anyways, he taught us how to build ships. The transport ships called Liberty ships. Henry Kaiser, that was his name. And Mr. Kaiser taught us like Mr. Ford taught us to build the Model T. On an assembly line. Consequently, we were turning out two or three ships a day in our shipyards from California to the East Coast. All of a sudden we had plenty of ships, but no crews for them. Where were the crews?”

They had been drafted into the Army!

“Like I say, not many people are aware of this. Immediately after Pearl Harbor, all merchant shipping – ships, crews, and officers –  were placed in direct jurisdiction of the U.S. Coast Guard. That automatically made us members of the Coast Guard. Anyway, they called this big meeting, it gave us – everyone who held a Seaman’s certificate – a choice. We could go back to sea and man these ships, or stay in the army, whichever. They could use us in either place. So a lot of us we knew ships, so we chose to go back to sea. Now we weren’t getting out of anything because they were still sinking ships up and down the coast! So we went back to sea, and that put me in the Coast Guard. Consequently I hold two Army discharges, and one from the Coast Guard.”

Henson ended up on a refueling tanker. When battle groups operated, they contained “carriers, battleships, light cruisers, destroyers, destroyer escorts, and even submarines, that’s what you call a battle group.”

“Every time a group sailed out to combat, they always had either two to three, maybe more, tankers for fuel. If they ran low on fuel, they couldn’t turn around and go into someplace, you know, to somewhere else for their fuel. So that’s what I was doing there on the refueling tanker. I did that for a number of months all over the South Pacific,” Henson said. “Well, I got the urge to go back into the Army in 1945. I got interested in law enforcement. And I don’t remember now at this point why I decided I wanted to go into the military police, but that’s what I wanted to do. So I put in for a transfer. It was turned down. Put in again for transfer, it was turned out. So I set down and wrote a letter to Admiral Emory S. Land.”

The last letter did the trick. He was sent to the 382nd  Military Police Battalion in Bremerhaven, Germany.  He “put in” the next three years in the MP Corps in Europe, the New York First Army, and the San Antonio Fourth Army. Henson had some fascinating memories there.

“While serving in the 382nd in Germany, with… an O.D. (Officer of the Day) , I saw two sides of this man. He always carried a Thompson sub-machine gun when on O.D. duty. One night, while I was on duty and part of the emergency squad of six men, I was relaxing at the booking station.” Henson said. “We suddenly got a call of a shooting at a local carnival the people of the city were giving for the children. We had a list of wanted deserters to look for; MP on duty at the carnival spotted one of the soldiers who was wanted for desertion. When challenged, the deserter fired at the MP on duty. The MP fired back but missed – and hit a little girl who was at the carnival. Fortunately, she survived. The deserter ran into one of the bombed-out buildings and locked himself in the bathroom, lined with tiles. In Europe, buildings had very little wood – construction was different, and they used much more tile and stone. We, at the station, responded to the call. Upon arrival, the MP on duty showed us where the deserter was. This O.D., a first Lieutenant, walked up within ten or twelve feet of the door. He demanded the deserter come out. His reply: ‘You come get me!’ The Lt. never said another word. He slung that Thompson and fired the entire magazine of 32 rounds of 45 caliber bullets into the door, making an ‘x.’ Then the Lt. said, ‘Drag his ass out of there.’ Well, you can imagine what those 45 slugs did to him as they ricocheted off the tiles – and into him. This was the one side of that First Lieutenant O.D. About a month later, in the dead of winter, we responded to a call to the railroad yard. Civilians were taking coal from the fuel dump. There was snow and ice everywhere, and old women and barefooted children were trying to keep warm. I ask the Lt., ‘What do you want us to do?’ After a few minutes, he said to me, ‘Not a damn thing. Let them have it or they will freeze.’ This was the other side of the same man – compassion. What memories.”

Henson’s story is undoubtedly very powerful; it shows that those who do not remember their history are doomed to repeat it. After seeing oppression in such a forceful, personal way, Henson’s mission is to warn Americans of what could very well be there fate if they don’t take action.

Involved politically and following issues, Henson wants to awaken the slumbering citizens around him. They haven’t seen what tyranny is like yet. One way Henson gets his message across is writing down his memories of war, bigotry, regulations, big government, concentration camps, and the incredible effects that the government has on family, children, and education. Wartime Germany – or in fact, Germany at any stage of Hitler’s rise to power – was not pretty. His firsthand experiences illustrate this well.

“All of the history you can study and read about what happened to other countries can happen here. And is. We feel safe. Don’t you? ‘Here in the United States, we’re the most powerful country in the world.’ We were…In a way it’s good that young people have this feeling of protection. But don’t ever forget that the only thing that you have that’s for sure and concrete is faith. Faith in God that He meant what He said. The people of Germany didn’t realize this. One day we sailed into Hamburg, Germany. This was before the war. Hitler was just beginning a speech to his own. And he was ‘blah blah blah’ on these loudspeakers attached to telephone poles up and down the street. All you could hear was Hitler ranting and raving about ‘Deutchsland Deutchsland uber alles!’ That’s ‘Germany, Germany over all.’ Today Germany, tomorrow the world. That was his ambition. I was still just a kid, but I’d followed my fellow crew members into a sort of German bar. If I remember right, there were five of us. One of them was the boatswain, he had like a foreman’s job. I don’t drink, never have drank, and never will drink. But I enjoyed going and seeing, you know, all these things and sights. So I had a soft drink and the boatswain was leaning back in his chair, and Hitler was talking. Talk, talk, talk, talking. We saw these two guys come in who they referred to as the brownshirts, what they call storm troopers. What they were was Hitler Youth ranging from 18-25, and they were dressed in the boots and tan trousers, and the brown shirts. And the first thing Hitler did was to take over, however he did it, the children in schools. A child as you well know, when it’s born, in one sense, is a brand new computer. And whatever you program into that child’s head is going to be there, from now on. They call that brainwashing, brainwashing you into believing something that isn’t true. That’s what Hitler did to these young men. As they graduated, they became Storm Troopers. Now these guys were very vicious. They were absolutely vicious. Meanwhile, the boatswain was leaning back in his chair, and these two guys had come in and were standing at the bar looking around. They carried, besides their pistol, a nightstick, a rubber nightstick about this long, called a truncheon. Hitler was still talking over the loudspeakers. The boatswain said, uh, a profanity. ‘Won’t that *** shut his ***** mouth?’ One of the brownshirts looked up, and he started walking over to our table. One the way over to our table, he undid his truncheon and backhanded the boatswain upside the head and across the mouth. Knocked all his front teeth out, split his lips. He was on the floor and of course there was blood flying everywhere. And the brownshirt said to the rest of us, ‘Take him back to the ship.’ That’s just an example of how you control people, once you get the power to do it. Anyways, that was just one of my experiences. This was before we got in the war.”

History has a way of repeating itself. Henson’s quest is to prevent his beloved America from becoming the next victim of totalitarianism.

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John Cornyn vs. Steve Stockman: Amnesty

Rachel Clark : February 27, 2014 7:32 am : News, Politics

cartoon-vote-democratCongressman Steve Stockman, a pro-border champion and a staunch opponent of illegal immigration, has constantly fought against porous borders and Democrats’ amnesty measures. Stockman’s opponent, John Cornyn, on the other hand, has not only voted for such legislation, but has introduced a Reid-style amnesty bill of his own.

Stockman was a key figure in defeating the Border Security, Economic Opportunity, and Immigration Modernization Act, the infamous big-government amnesty bill introduced by the Senate’s “Gang of Eight” in 2013. Rallying Congressional forces to halt the burdensome act, Stockman stopped Harry Reid’s pet legislation in its tracks after citing a oft-ignored Constitutional mandate: the origination clause of the U.S. Constitution (Article I, Section 7), which requires that all revenue-raising bills originate in the House.

Stockman pushed his colleagues, who jumped on board, to support a blue slip—a procedure that bars any unconstitutional revenue-raising Senate bill from consideration in the House.

“Even Harry Reid now admits the Senate’s Amnesty bill is unconstitutional and cannot become law … By creating their own amnesty taxes Senate Democrats broke the rules. Senate Democrats were so hell-bent on ramming through a gift to radical political activists they didn’t bother to check if it was even legal … They got caught trying to sneak an illegal bill past the Constitution’s borders,” the Congressman explained.

“Not only is the Senate amnesty bill an abuse of taxpayers and immigrants, it’s utterly unconstitutional.  The Senate cannot invent its own amnesty taxes,” said Stockman.

S. 744 was destined to die thanks to Stockman’s constant efforts, which thwarted Senate Majority Harry Reid’s efforts to send it to the House.

Stockman has sponsored a constitutional amendment to prevent citizenship and benefits to anchor babies of illegal aliens, as well as a bill declaring English the official language of the United States. While Stockman’s pro-border and anti-amnesty record is flawless and consistent, John Cornyn, Stockman’s opponent in the March 4 Republican primary, has pushed Obama’s amnesty scheme for illegal aliens.

Voting twice to support Obama’s leftist amnesty agenda (RCVs 146 & 147, 2013), Cornyn also voted with Democrats to kill a Republican filibuster of Reid’s amnesty plan after Reid assured him Democrats had the votes to pass it. (RCV 146) After hindering Republicans, Cornyn then voted with Democrats to proceed to a vote to pass the plan in the Senate (RCV 147).

“Cornyn not only stabbed Ted Cruz in the back when he voted for Obamacare funding, he insulted legal immigrants and betrayed the American people with his Comprehensive Enforcement and Immigration Reform Act. He wants to give illegals five years of amnesty, work documents, and even a border pass on the taxpayers’ bill,” said Stockman.

“Cornyn worships at the altar of well-lined special interest wallets. He refuses to heed the Constitution or Texans,” said Stockman, “When you cast a vote for Cornyn, you cast a vote for an even more intrusive, hypocritical, and unreliable government and an even weaker border.”

Steve Stockman, a constantly fighting for taxpayers and legal immigrants, is the only reliably pro-border and anti-amnesty candidate to represent Texans in the U.S. Senate. On March 4, the decision is yours.

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John Cornyn vs. Steve Stockman: Gun Rights

Rachel Clark : February 27, 2014 7:28 am : News, Politics

Senator John Cornyn's gun rights record is less than satisfactory, as he continues to question open carry and attempts to expand the national instant background check system.

Senator John Cornyn’s gun rights record is less than satisfactory, as he continues to question open carry and attempts to expand the national instant background check system.

An ardent protector of the right to keep and bear arms, Congressman Steve Stockman has not only waged war on Obama’s leftist agenda and other recent gun-grab attempts, but has also fought for restoring gun rights unjustly and unconstitutionally lessened by current laws. Stockman’s Safe Schools Act of 2013 (H.R. 35) and the Student Protection Act (H.R. 2625) are only two facets of his pro-gun record.

The Safe Schools Act would repeal federal laws mandating “gun free zones” around schools.  According to crime statistics analyzed by GeorgiaCarry.org, mass shootings in schools increased 500% after the anti-gun legislation was enacted in 1990, making Stockman’s bill an obvious imperative.

“I have one concern – protecting children from dangerous predators. By disarming qualified citizens and officials in schools we have created a dangerous situation for our children.  In the 22 years before enactment of ‘gun free school zones’ there were two mass school shootings.  In the 22 years since enactment of ‘gun free schools’ there have been 10 mass school shootings. Not only has the bill utterly failed to protect our children it appears to have placed them in danger,” said Stockman.

“The data do not lie. Our schools are safer when peaceable citizens are allowed to defend themselves from the irrational and dangerous,” Stockman continued.  “What would have been horrific massacres on school campuses in Pearl, Mississippi and Grundy, Virginia were averted by armed staff and students. Armed citizens save lives.”

Pro-gun groups and 2nd-Amendment champions, whether in Congress or not, stepped up to support the beneficial legislation. Gun Owners of America, an organization with a no-compromise outlook, said of the legislation and its sponsor:

We told you that Rep. Steve Stockman would be the most aggressive defender of our gun rights on Capitol Hill.

He proved us right on Thursday, when he introduced the VERY FIRST pro-gun bill in the Congress, in the face of a tidal wave of anti-gun hysteria. Congressman Steve Stockman has introduced H.R. 35, the Safe Schools Act of 2013 — a bill to allow principals, teachers, and staff to possess firearms in order to defend their students.

“Not only have so-called ‘gun-free school zones’ proven to be anything but that, they appear to have placed our children in even greater danger. [Congressmen] co-sponsoring the Safe School Act is the first step toward protecting our children,” added Stockman, “Leftists’ Harmful and counterintuitive policies have not created gun-free zones, but they have made defenseless victim zones. Criminals, unlike liberals, will discover this and act upon it before it’s too late. It is time to stand up for children forced daily into these unsafe environments.”

Stockman’s opposition to infringements of gun rights in public schools is not confined to the issue of “defenseless victim zones.” H.R. 2625, the Student Protection Act, curtails “zero tolerance” policies used to punish children for innocent play.  Zero-tolerance policies, misunderstood and abused by school authorities, punish children for innocent play—even so much as nibbling a pastry into an alleged gun shape —and are blatant attempts to indoctrinate students into accepting gun control.

“Instead of nurturing young minds these policies are traumatizing children who did nothing wrong. These policies are instilling in them irrational fears,” said Stockman. “Why are taxpayer dollars being spent to subsidize this insanity?”

Stockman notes that schools should be places where children learn, not leftist brainwashing facilities in which “cops and robbers,” the word gun, and classic childhood twig-weapons are strictly verboten.

Stockman concluded, “Something must be done to restore sanity to the schoolroom. The Student Protection Act would end the practice of using federal taxpayer dollars to subsidize schools that enforce these policies that abuse and harm young children.”

Stockman’s efforts to transform our nation’s public schools into safe environments conducive to your child’s liberty and learning are efforts you shouldn’t ignore when you cast your ballot on March 4.

 

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How Was School?

Rachel Clark : February 24, 2014 4:36 pm : News, Politics, Rachel

Government's role in education is changing for the worst. Choosing leaders carefully is essential to prevent this catastrophic transformation.

Government’s role in education is changing for the worst. Choosing leaders carefully is essential to prevent this catastrophic transformation.

How was school?

That traditional question mothers and fathers ask whenever a student arrives home from a long day at school is a question that voters should start asking themselves, particularly in the race between David Bradley and Rita Ashley for the State Board of Education (SBOE).

With ever more government involvement in education, parents—in other words, concerned citizens with a massive personal stake in the state of public schools—should evaluate what and how schools are teaching their youngsters. Disruptive and controversial leftism infiltrates even small, rural schools, spoon-feeding blatantly liberal social concepts as fact to trusting elementary-age children.

The advent of C-SCOPE and Common Core coupled with the disappointing mistreatment of the Kountze Cheerleaders in 2012 and the 2013 Lumberton Burqa incident brings these issues closer to home. Throughout the United States and throughout Texas, children are forced into politically correct molds designed by leftists for leftists.

No matter if they are bound for the local school board or the United States Senate, leaders wield enormous influence in whether schools will produce revolutionaries or educated graduates; thus it is imperative to choose a trustworthy candidate who can vouch for your child’s rights and your local school’s independence from central planners.

One crucial election concerning education features long-time conservative David Bradley against the out-of-place, left-leaning Rita Ashley. Even Texas liberals recognize that Bradley is a major asset to the average Texan parent: “Losing David Bradley would be a huge blow to the conservative bloc…” (Houston Chronicle 12/23/2013)

While Bradley, endorsed by Texas Right to Life and other pro-life organizations, has a consistently pro-life record and advocates for such a stance in public schools, Ashley is closely linked to and supported by Wendy Davis’ biggest fans. The rigidly anti-life curriculum and worldviews currently in public education are catastrophes that Ashley would not only refuse to oppose, but perpetuate.

Bradley is a liberal’s worst nightmare and a student’s advocate: rather than edging closer to leftist teacher’s unions, Bradley has faithfully fought for Christian students, beneficial standards, stronger curriculum, and a true atmosphere of free speech in schools rather than politically motivated academic oppression.

On election day, March 4, 2014, ask yourself, “How was school?”

Think hard, and ask your child too—it probably wasn’t very good, and it probably was not to your satisfaction. Public education’s many obvious problems can either be perpetuated or solved, and a vote for the latter will be a vote for David Bradley.

 

report card COLOR 2014A copy copyWho else supports David Bradley? Check out his endorsements: 

Conservative Republicans of Texas

Gun Owners of America

Texas Alliance for Life

Texas Home School Coalition

Texas Right to Life

Young Conservatives of Texas

U.S. Congressman Randy Weber, District 14

Robin Armstrong, Texas Republican National Committeeman & former Vice Chair,

Republican Party of Texas

Cathie Adams, President, Texas Eagle Forum; former Chair, Republican Party of Texas

David Barton, of WallBuilders, former Vice Chair, Republican Party of Texas

State Board of Education Chairmen:

Chase Untermeyer

Don McLeroy

Gail Lowe

Barbara Cargill, present chair

Cynthia Dunbar, former SBOE member from Fort Bend County, Liberty University Advisor to Provost

 

For more information about David Bradley, visit BradleyforTexas.com

 

 

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Old Glory: McDaniel’s Error

Rachel Clark : February 22, 2014 5:08 pm : Columns, Lumberton Gazette, News, Politics, Rachel

It is one of the most precious emblems of freedom in the world; the embodiment of our spiritual heritage; the representation of our historical sacrifices for liberty; a tribute to the men and women who gave the ultimate price for freedom: the American flag. Yet today it is cheapened—nay, mocked—as an attention-getting political device upon which Wayne McDaniel, candidate for Hardin County Judge, hangs his offensively-placed campaign signs.

Wayne McDaniel's disrespectful use of the American flag as an attention-getting apparatus to hold political signs.

Wayne McDaniel’s disrespectful use of the American flag as an attention-getting apparatus to hold political signs.

Old Glory, as it is sometimes called, is more than just a piece of cloth. It is blood, sweat, toil, and tears, justice, freedom, equality, and loyalty: no matter who is in the White House and no matter what party controls Congress, the American flag still represents these sacrifices and ideals—something that cannot be changed.

Respecting the flag sometimes seems silly, perhaps even trivial. However, flag etiquette is far from arbitrary: when the flag is displayed or handled, it is the physical representation of America and lives lost in its defense. That is something easily understood, and hopefully, easily remembered.

Occasionally our flag is disrespected or burned: a deliberate show of hatred not necessarily against America, but what the flag historically stands for. Occasionally the flag is forgotten outdoors: usually a careless misunderstanding or apathy. Occasionally the flag is misused, as it is made to represent ideals that it does not, parties that it cannot, or people that it is not meant to represent.

This is why Wayne McDaniel is wrong.

The flag code (Title 4, United States Code, Chapter 1, Section 8, i) bars the use of advertisements on a flag pole or halyard that is flying the American flag, which is one reason why McDaniel is inconsiderate in his using the flag’s halyard as a mere campaigning contrivance.

Hoisting McDaniel’s cheesy red and white campaign signs to the same halyard as Old Glory is false advertising. McDaniel’s sign does not represent blood, war, and courage. It does not stand for justice and freedom. The white outlines of the letters do not stand for purity. Most of all, it does not, and cannot, stand for America. Likewise the American flag does not represent the McDaniel campaign.

McDaniel’s breach of flag etiquette may have been unintentional, but it takes only common sense to understand that using the flag for advertising purposes is improper. McDaniel, a bureaucratic administrative officer in the Sheriff’s office, should understand flag protocol, making his disregard of etiquette even more blatant and appalling.

On election day, remember: the flag represents the blood of soldiers, the courage of patriots, God’s justice, America’s blessed freedom, and a special sort of governmental purity that is hard to remember and even harder to live up to. Make sure that your vote reflects what our flag represents.

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Ted Cruz Visits Spindletop, Touts American Energy Renaissance Act

Rachel Clark : February 19, 2014 5:48 pm : News, Politics

Ted Cruz speaks about his American Energy Renaissance Act to a crowd of reporters and energy workers.

Ted Cruz speaks about his American Energy Renaissance Act to a crowd of reporters and energy workers.

BEAUMONT — Texas Senator Ted Cruz, a “conservative rock star” and one of the most well-known Republican legislators, today released information about his American Energy Renaissance Act (AERA), a law that would expand U.S. energy exports, stop EPA overreach and Obama’s war on coal, prevent federal regulation of hydraulic fracturing (fracking) and force Congress and the President to approve harmful EPA regulations, as well as improve domestic refining capacity.

At GladysCity, a museum in the form of a village that celebrates Southeast Texas’ heritage in oil and gas, the Senator’s press conference was at a fitting location. Cruz stated that on the tenth day of the twentieth century the Lucas Gusher officially began the Spindletop oil boom. The discovery propelled the United States, and particularly Texas, into energy-plentiful modern life and improved the financial status and living conditions of people around the world.

Cruz drove the point home with the simple question, “Can you imagine doing that [hydraulic fracturing] in San Francisco?”

Pointing out that Texas’ gentle regulatory environment allowed it to account for Texas prosperity and job creation in the oil, gas, and electric industries, Cruz noted that although the President considers raising the minimum wage a method to secure financial success for entry-level workers, in reality “Obama’s minimum wage is zero dollars … for all the unemployed people.”

The American Energy Renaissance, as Cruz calls it, of hydraulic fracturing has occurred mostly in North Dakota and Texas, where regulation is minimal. “The American Energy Renaissance did not come from Washington,” Cruz said, “It came from the American people.”

Cruz and his fellow speakers George Strake, former Texas Secretary of State, and Railroad Commissioner David Porter touched on the fact that entrepreneurship, not Washington mandates, brought about economic success and a higher standard of living.

After describing the havoc Washington has wreaked on the coal industry and its workers, Cruz said that the “most catastrophic” threat that the EPA had hurled was to further regulate hydraulic fracturing, a crucial aspect of American energy independence and the Texas economy.

The AERA, Cruz explained, would approve and build the Keystone pipeline and streamline the process of approving other nationwide pipelines and international energy infrastructure. The AERA would also support passage of the REINS Act, “a separate piece of legislation not included in this bill, which would require congressional approval of all major rules and regulations.”

Cruz concluded that the EPA’s current regulations are nothing compared to what they plan to do. “What will be most harmful is what the EPA threatens to do.” The American Energy Renaissance Act would not only limit the federal government’s interference, but would spur a drop in energy prices, boost the economy, and provide the jobless with work, something that the American people are in desperate need of. Ted Cruz intends to make D.C. listen.

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Taxes: Financial Plagiarism at the Point of a Gun

Rachel Clark : February 10, 2014 7:18 pm : News, Politics

Plagiarism is a vice. Some might argue that copying work without acknowledging the author could even be a crime. Stealing the academic or intellectual accomplishments of hard-working students or commendable authors is unjustifiable maliciousness, sprouting from a desire to be seen as something other than reality—or from the wayward motivation of sloth. Stealing another person’s physical property, whether that property is gifted or hard-earned and self-acquired, is obviously a sin, as is the theft that is plagiarism. But other than both being sins, plagiarism and physical theft are not much different; bureaucrats and taxation bear many similarities to the sly college student slipping in some stolen sentences.

Excessive taxation is an effort to deny reality, a plot to mask the future and a trap to disguise the present. It is oftentimes the product of lawmakers’ laziness when lowering the budget would be too inconvenient. But most of all, it is a low-risk chance of wrongfully benefiting from the work of others.

Plagiarism is usually committed on unsuspected laptops and inconspicuous notepads, but taxation is everywhere in the public sphere—because taxation is the public sphere. (Government cannot raise any revenue other than the income pilfered from private sector operations.) Government’s main life-blood is taxation, and government’s only assurance of funds is force. A tax means a law, a law means government, and government means force; plagiarism is quiet and unassuming, but taxes are bold thefts. You can oppose them, but you cannot refuse them.

Taxes are plagiarism in a physical sense. In a bid to save the day and make the deadline, lawmakers will likely throw new taxes into their enchanted cauldron brimming with cronyism. While plagiarism merely pains and perhaps harms the author, taxes altogether deprive the worker of the fruits of his labor. “Copying” in a literal sense is impossible financially.

All the same, taxes are the unacknowledged use of someone else’s paycheck—whether to halt impending doom or alter the appearance of reality. Plagiarism is an undesirable and insidious malice attributing the work of one to a thief. It is still little more than a wrongful copy-and-paste function. Taxes are massive transfers of physical property representative of labor, distributing the work of one to the hands of one undeserving.

The power to tax is little more than the ability to financially plagiarize.copy and paste

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Icepocalypse Traumatizes Texans

Rachel Clark : January 25, 2014 9:54 am : Lumberton Gazette, News, Spoofs

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

Over three hundred Southeast Texans have ended up in the hospital due to the arctic weather that froze water on these flowers.

 

SOUTHEAST TEXAS – A weather phenomenon so rare in Southeast Texas that it has been deemed a “once-in-a-century” occurrence, a trail of snow and ice left by a polar vortex has shut down must commerce and nearly all roads.

 

Most Texas residents have never experienced such inclement weather in their lives.

 

Long-time Lumberton resident Donna Wanto Becolde said, “It swept through here on Thursday night and Friday morning, and all the while it was basically a blizzard of snow and sleet and freezing rain. Approximately a quarter inch of frozen stuff bombarded the Lumberton area. It’s a wonder that I live to tell the tale.”

 

Texas law enforcement officers have been seeking out Southeast Texas residents to ensure that they were still alive in the 33 degree weather.

 

“Why, we was about to go swimming when all of a sudden, the temperature ducked below 72 degrees. I think my daughter might have gotten frostbite,” said a concerned Silsbee father, detailing the surprising beginning of the incident.

 

At least three casualties have been reported from the “icepocalypse” or “snowmageddon” – as inconvenienced and suffering Southeast Texas individuals have dubbed it.

 

“One man walked outside, and unbeknownst to him, the temperature was a lethal 49 degrees. His last words were ‘What is this feeling?’ as he collapsed to the sidewalk – by then strewn with cold raindrops,” said the man’s neighbor.

 

Despite the casualties, traffic disasters, and power outages associated with weather below freezing, most Southeast Texans have survived. Approximately three hundred have ended up in the hospital because of the weather. One woman suffered a heart attack after seeing a snow flurry.

 

Authorities have already assured citizens that counseling will be available to traumatized residents who have endured experiences that include the sensation of sleet falling on one’s head, being forced to turn the heater on, and other such uncalled-for cold weather problems.

 

“It’s far from over,” continued Donna Wanto Becolde, “We’ve still got a lot to deal with before the temperature returns to a reasonable average … I can’t remember having experienced a winter this cold.”

 

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The National Bible Bee

Rebekah Hair : November 25, 2013 12:23 pm : News, Rebekah

The National Bible Bee is an event that starts in the summer, with families who signed up in the spring receive their boxes of materials the first couple days in June. The box contains an official Bible Bee t-shirt, a list of verses, and an age-coded study for each contestant. Also, if you so choose, you also receive a bible in your translation, or you can donate them. Parents receive a parent guide as well.

Kids from 7-18 can compete in three different age categories, Primary (7-10), Junior (11-14), and Senior (15-18). The contest comes in two stages, the first being locals. In order to compete in a local bee you have  to find a host in your area. Sometimes people have to travel for hours to make the meeting, but it’s worth it. A host site, usually a church or a school, is also needed.

Children are given a book to study and 24 verses to learn, two per week in the 12-week study period. These numbers are always changing, but the foundation in charge, Shelby Kennedy, named for a young woman whose last wish was to memorize scripture, is always trying to make the study easier, more precise, and more competitive.

At the local bee, children must fill out a written test about the book and some verse knowledge, and then do an oral recitation round, where contestants recite the verses the judges ask as word-perfect as possible, to receive the most points. The host feeds the scores to the national headquarters.

Out of the combined score of the written test; which is multiple choice, the contestant’s final score is determined. At the headquarters, a computer or something picks the top 100 scores of each age division and reports to the host and the family. This process usually takes a few days. This year, 120 were picked, but more than ten never come.

Then the contestants are given a much bigger task, at least 100 more verses. They also have to make their own study guide of another book. This study period is also shorter—little more than 11 weeks to learn a lot more material. Then the contestant must travel to the nationals location, next years is Orlando FL. (By the way, this is information known only by Nationals contestants) The trip can be long.

This year’s was in Tennessee. One girl I interviewed, Emily, drove from California. She said that she had done the contest since year one, and that the test was easier than the locals. I personally disagree with that, but she had been there before so I’ll take her word for it.

Several people I talked to had worked with HSLDA to campaign for Cuccinelli  in Virginia, among them I found a girl who was a lot like Rachel. People from Alaska, Michigan, California, Texas, Oregon, and other states were all there…a vast multitude.

Friends are made. You laugh and talk with these people, get to know them. It’s a really amazing experience, and I hope that others will be able to experience it too.

I didn’t make it to the semi-finals and I’m happy about that. The contest gets really intense, with one mistake knocking you out, on 10-20 verse passages. But the whole atmosphere is just so friendly and vibrant, that you sometimes forget the contest, or the two-mile-long hallway to get to your room.

The Bible Bee creates incentive to learn verses, and to watch these 6-8 year olds quoting scripture…it’s just awe-inspiring.

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Life in 2113: Accurate Predictions

Rachel Clark : November 20, 2013 5:13 pm : Lumberton Gazette, News

For hundreds of years, people have made predictions by analyzing data and attempting to trace trends. The rate of innovation, meanwhile, has astounded onlookers and shattered expectations: the founding fathers assumed it would take approximately a thousand years for civilization to reach the Pacific Ocean.

100 years from today, it's hard to predict what will be going on. But it is fairly certain that what you are reading will happen.

100 years from today, it’s hard to predict what will be going on. But it is fairly certain that what you are reading will actually happen.

 

For 2013 historians, guesses dating back to the 1930s or 1860s merely provide a good laugh (check out this 1930s video) If the best predictions are the funniest ones, it matters little how likely the situation may be or even if the situation is possible. The world of 2013 must maintain the tradition of ridiculous propositions for the future. The generations following ours need this article for reference – or at least for laughs.

 

Here are five predictions for the year 2113.

 

  1. The 19th century slapstick comedy series the “The Three Stooges” will be revered and recited just as Shakespeare is today. Entire theaters, built in period 1930s style, will be dedicated to remakes of the show; drama clubs will perform episodes as plays. Schoolchildren will be required to study the complicated and archaic language and vocabulary of the Stooges. Meanwhile, the incredible table manners of the stooges will inspire the 2113 MP – who will consider the three well-mannered and composed.

 

  1. Khan Academy, a free internet-based education resource for students, teachers, and the general public, has formulated an encouraging problems-for-points systems that is creating an online hierarchy based on the amount of points earned and subjects mastered. When the economy collapses, the KhanAcademy elite will rule the world with their points, establishing a plexus that explains the Star Trek world’s desertion of actual money.

 

  1. In 2113, the average earth family will have two or three space shuttles. If the husband and wife have jobs on different planets, probably more than two or three. Depending on how many children (and if they also have jobs) the family may even own a starship variant.

 

  1. Only the 2113 equivalents of 2013 rocket scientists and nuclear physicists will know, or even need to know, pre-algebra. Advanced mathematics will be tended to by iPhones and homeschoolers.

 

  1. Texas will have formed its own Republic, eventually taking over the entire world. By 2015, the Republic will have been established and will be ruled by President Chuck Norris and Vice-President Ted Cruz. By 2023, the Republic will conquer Europe and the remainder of the U.S. In 2025, the Republic of Texas will give China (existing until 2029)  New Jersey, California, and Greece. This will lead to the collapse of the rogue country, and Texas at that time will claim the rest of the world. Yankees that cling to their traditional noncompliance will be exiled to a large labor camp in what was once New Jersey.
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Without The Cacophony

Rachel Clark : October 28, 2013 4:05 pm : Lumberton Gazette, News

Working in a Congressional Office can be challenging. Fast-paced, sometimes hectic, and almost always noisy, Congressman Steve Stockman’s Washington D.C. Office holds many different opportunities for many types of people – including those who cannot hear the usual office cacophony.

 

Even though they cannot hear, deaf interns come to work with a cheerful attitude, strong work ethic, and big dreams. The interns skillfully feed information into databases, read and sort constituent mail, research legislation, run errands, and much more – their only limitation their inability to answer phone calls. However, many interns are adamant that not answering phone calls is an enormous benefit: “no angry constituents or difficult callers, and no distracting office environment.”

 

Matthew Bennett (on the left) with two other deaf interns at Congressman Stockman's office.

Matthew Bennett (on the left) with two other deaf interns at Congressman Stockman’s office.

Matthew Bennett, the data-entry team leader, is optimistic, and very motivated: “When I first started working here a month ago, I did data entry and very low level work. However, because I was very dedicated and motivated despite the repetitive work, they decided to test me by assigning me to do a complicated Access database development. After I completed the project and several others, I was promoted to data-entry team leader and now manage a team of interns.”

 

Matthew manages and works with other deaf interns – “I enjoy working here, because I get to build my managerial experience,” he said.

 

In addition to his full time internship, Matthew attends college at night, full time and will graduate this December with a perfect GPA.

 

“Before working here, I worked for the Department of Defense for several years … as a Data Management specialist. After working there, I decided that I want to spend the rest of my life working in government … I decided to get my Masters in Public Administration in order to obtain a supervisory position,” Matthew continued, “After my internship is over I would like to pursue a career here in Congress or go back to the Department of Defense in a … position with high level responsibilities.”

 

“Due to limited and substandard education for deaf children available in Tennessee when I was a young child, my mother decided to uproot her entire family and relocate to Colorado to ensure I receive an exceptional education,” He said. “If it was not for my mother’s courageous and momentous decision to relocate despite of so many unknowns, I fear I probably would be living in a trailer park and living off on welfare.”

 

Despite enormous obstacles (some from society and some from people) Matthew has pursued his ambitions and remains an inspiration for others, deaf or not, in the office.

 

Working together and communicating through sign language, the interns are dedicated to their duties. Many of them aspire to careers in Washington. Allara, who knows two languages and is currently studying at GallaudetUniversity, would like to work for the United Nations. Lily says she would like to either work full time at Congressman Stockman’s office or find a job related to information technology. Greg would like to start a business of his own, providing administration services to non-profit organizations.

 

Congressional internships not only offer valuable experience in the legislative process, they provide a chance to become familiar with typical office proceedings. Meeting leaders and learning how to become one as well, these interns are overcoming significant challenges to achieve their goals.

 

Interning with Congressman Stockman in particular offers special opportunities to deaf interns.

 

“My favorite part of working here is the friendly people and learning experiences.” Greg said.

 

“My first impression of Congressman Stockman was that he is a very approachable man, kind to everyone regardless of their position,” Matthew concluded. “This is a very important part of being a leader. Everything he has done since the first day I met him clearly demonstrates his exceptional leadership.”

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Approval Ratings Should Not Surprise

Rachel Clark : October 18, 2013 6:29 pm : News

Neither Democrats or Republicans like the caving, compromising, and backhanded deals that Congress is so famous for.

Neither Democrats or Republicans like the caving, compromising, and backhanded deals that Congress is so famous for.

Washington’s approval ratings have been plummeting in the aftermath of a two-week long shutdown. While the media took Republicans to the woodshed, the American people demanded that Democrats repeal or defund Obamacare.

 

After kicking the can down the road, Congress’ popularity dropped yet again: a recent Associated Press survey found that a mere 5% of those interviewed were happy with the Senate and House.

 

When asked if they preferred something over Congress, interviewees quickly gave predictable answers. For example: Brussels spouts have held a steady 69% approval rating; lice remain at 67%; colonoscopies at 56%; and cockroaches at 45%.

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How the Government Shutdown Affects You

Rachel Clark : October 3, 2013 11:27 am : Lumberton Gazette, News

The government shutdown isn't much of a disaster. Obamacare, the reason for the budget struggle that caused the shutdown, is the real problem.

The government shutdown isn’t much of a disaster. Obamacare, the reason for the budget struggle that caused the shutdown, is the real problem.

With leftist howler monkeys wailing nationwide about the government shutdown, many Southeast Texans are left wondering whether this temporary budget situation is truly detrimental.

 

The IRS has warned the nation that all audits are being suspended and all taxpayer services will cease — although taxes still must be paid. Around 800,000 of 2,000,000 federal employees have been furloughed. Many Americans will be pleased to hear that the Environmental Protection Agency (a.k.a. the Economic Punishment Agency) has declared 96% of its employees non-essential.

 

The majority of Texan taxpayers have yet to see a downside to these developments. (However, non-taxpayers are complaining because their benefits may be slashed.)

 

To the average American spectator, the politics of the shutdown are revolting, to say the least. The much-publicized Honor Flight of veterans disallowed from visiting the Washington, D.C. World War II memorial sparked a public outcry, in addition to inspiring a number of Congressmen and Congresswomen to move aside the barricades. To the average public sector worker, the politics of the shutdown may be painful: federal employees are protesting, picketing, and demanding their jobs.

 

The howler monkeys’ trump card has been the unemployment aspect of the shutdown, and how the millions of bureaucrats rely on the government for life itself. The great irony of the week-long “end-of-the-world” budget situation is the fact that the dispute is not over the budget itself, but over Obamacare – one of the greatest job-killing laws of all time.

 

Millions of hardworking Americans will experience extreme financial hardships to accomodate the President’s healthcare law, including lost access to lifesaving medical care or drugs, unemployment, or demotion to part-time status. Meanwhile, the same Congressional howler monkeys that heartlessly demanded passage and implementation of Obamacare are now crying foul when federal employees are temporarily furloughed. In reality, these bureaucrats are merely sharing the experience of thousands of other Americans and small business owners — a taste of their own medicine, because hundreds of thousands of these employees are in charge of enforcing the Affordable Care Act’s regulations.

 

President Obama’s October 1st message asserts that the federal government is the nation’s largest employer, almost as if his objective was to point out how staggering the amount of bureaucrats had become.

 

The President’s message to the American people claims that “…the House of Representatives can end it [the government shutdown] as soon as it follows the Senate’s lead, and funds your work in the United States Government without trying to attach highly controversial and partisan measures in the process.”

 

Fortunately, the defunding of Obamacare is anything but highly controversial. Over 53% of Americans support a full repeal. Even in light of thousands of polls conducted on this subject, the statistics cannot express the average citizen’s contempt for the Affordable Care Act.

 

The government shutdown is not severe, and is far from a complete shutdown. Lumberton residents in particular have little to fear — unless one is a government employee or welfare recipient, life may actually be a little easier for now.

 

Although Southeast Texans may not be able to visit the Big Thicket National Preserve or be inconvenienced by the local IRS office for half a day, they can look at the bright side of things. First of all, Texas Congressman and Senators are leaders in the fight to exempt America from the Affordable Care Act, and make an enormous effort to oppose the howler monkeys’ agenda. Lastly, the National Endowment for the Arts has finally given us a cause to rejoice: they finally admitted that their employees are useless.

 

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