LONDON—Late Tuesday the British Broadcasting Corporation, best known as BBC, released its 2015 plans for Doctor Whom, a show about an adventurous and grammatically fascist English Ph.D.
BBC revealed that “the Doctor” will travel through all time and space to correct bad grammar, part of the Labour Party’s push to improve educational aspects of the publicly-funded news organization.
A sneak peek of the first episode shows the Doctor traveling to 15 June 1992 to the United States, in an attempt to alter Vice President Dan Quayle’s spelling of “potato.”
BBC’s Doctor Whom has been hailed by critics as grammatically revealing, particularly since the Doctor’s greatest weakness is his tendency to overreact to double negatives and subject/verb disagreements. This element of the Doctor’s personality is shown in the preview of an upcoming episode, where he and his vehicle—a time machine disguised to look like a metal filing cabinet—are stranded in 19th century rural America.
The Doctor’s name is apparently a secret, but the main character’s “one constant companion” is “sentence diagramming.”
Future exploits of the Doctor will include encounters with space aliens who often use incorrect forms of your and you’re; a much-lauded visit to 10 Downing Street; and a battle with the stubborn inhabitants of Fleet Street, who refuse to acknowledge the correct use of possessives.
English majors are enthusiastic about the show’s New Year’s Eve debut in 2015, but critics are unsure of Doctor Whom’s chances.
“Americans don’t want to be told to spell ‘neighbour’ with a ‘u,’” said one critic, speaking of the show’s potential popularity with Yankees, “But I think we can all agree that this show will probably be more popular with Britain’s language arts majors than any other science fiction series of all time.”
AUSTIN—A devastating collision occurred in an Austin residential neighborhood on Monday morning after a Smart car smashed into a large bumblebee. Emergency response teams rushed to the scene and successfully rescued the vehicle’s operator from the wreckage.
Although the car was totaled, the driver escaped with only a sting from the disgruntled insect. Eyewitnesses verify accounts of the destruction.
“It was just buzzing along, the Smart car was, and then a bumblebee just smashed right into it. That thing had to have been at least a two or three-gram insect, clearly it must have had an overdose of nectar or something,” explained one witness, walking her pet lemur when the accident occurred, “It smashed through the windshield and crumpled the car to smithereens.”
Officers investigating the collision hypothesized that the bumblebee was an unusually large specimen.
“Clearly it had to have weighed a whopping half an ounce to be able to smash through that sturdy Smart glass,” said one investigator, “But we’re here to make sure that a collision like this one won’t happen again.”
“It’s a good thing that Smart cars have so much crumple room. Otherwise, I think that it could have been a lot worse,” said a first responder at the scene of the collision, “For instance, it if hadn’t been a Smart car, the operator might have had to turn on the windshield wipers or even go to a carwash eventually. It could be a lot worse, I think.”
The incident has prompted Austin lawmakers to consider a traffic law designating a lane for Smart cars and a lane for heavyweight bumblebees, as well as a potential street sign next to bee hives warning drivers of other large insects crossing the road.
The following satire was submitted by reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
The 2014 Republican primaries have been characterized by tough positions and fierce campaigns, forcing candidates to toe the line and fight for party perspectives. In the Texas Congressional District 36, the runoff battle between candidates Ben Streusand and Brian Babin has been an uphill battle of principles.
“The two are obviously diametrically opposed, because Babin is on the inside of a arbitrarily drawn, politically-motivated, demographically indicative line usually recognized as the border of a Congressional district,” Eddie, a concerned Lumberton voter explained, “And Streusand is not.”
The issue has taken a front-and-center position in the campaigns as voters within the arbitrary line, subject to change every decade or so, try to re-emphasize the crucial nature of the all-important district borders.
“The line is everything,” explained one campaign volunteer, “If a candidate comes from outside the line, he is out of the question. If he comes from inside the line, he is the Chosen One.”
Southeast Texans are certain that no outsider can understand the complex ideological workings of District 36, a distinct cultural and political entity that ends where the District ends.
Local party leaders and Republican clubs have adopted a harsh stance on this critical issue, as they reveal how serious they really are about keeping their focus on true issues and not petty distractions like fiscal or social policy.
“People outside the lines can’t possibly gain insight into our culture or our customs. They have no clue as to what it’s like a mile away, in our district,” a Republican county leader continued.
Party leaders and journalists realize that the question of in vs. out is a crucial issue that could decide the fate of the nation, and that all other policy stances, voting records, and political experience should be utterly disregarded.
“Basically the line is the most important issue that our party is facing today. Ask yourself: are we electing leaders who are within these randomly drawn Congressional lines that are for administrative purposes only?” said a city councilman, “I think it’s the absolute most critical thing that we’re deciding in this election. Nothing else about these guys matters.”
Bob, the random policy analyst on the street, added, “We should forget all other fiscal and social issues and focus on this one. Administrative geography is the one determinate factor that distinguishes between a good guy and a bad guy. The bureaucratic products of gerrymandering known as districts are the only way we can tell if a candidate is worthy of our votes, that, and of course, the important question of whether or not this candidate has signs that are the right color.”
The race continues to heat up, as more and more people realize that the only issue worth talking about is whether or not the candidate is within the shifting, gerrymandered district line or not.
The Republicans have officially adopted the praying mantis, a cannibalistic insect with disturbing predatory behavior, as the party symbol.
“It was inherently appropriate,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, “This year’s primaries affirmed our decision to make the switch.”
The praying mantis, if left with no other dining options and/or whenever it feels like it, will resort to eating other mantises. Priebus explained that this attribute made for a resemblance that extends far beyond the previous symbol’s significance.
“Elephants have spectacular long-term memories. Republicans don’t, or else they wouldn’t keep doing the same stupid thing over and over and over again,” said a committee member, “Plus I should mention that praying mantises only pretend to be religious …”
Republicans tend to attack fellow Republicans, a trend that has only worsened over time. Party members explain that many attackers have “no idea when to quit” and will even “attack the platform” of the party, or even refuse to quit rambling after the primaries or runoffs are over.
Mantises also eat their young, a characteristic the Chairman also described as “fitting for our party.” He added in a press release that “…with our continuing difficulties in reaching out to the younger generation, and considering that we basically eat them alive as we cave to detrimental policies, higher taxes, marriage penalties and college-funding debacles, it seemed more than appropriate, but almost necessary.”
Priebus said that the change isn’t a prank.
“Hopefully this embarrassing symbol will motivate those idiots to quit acting like a bunch of cannibals during the primaries and runoffs,” concluded Priebus. “The Committee won’t change it until party members quit eating each other.”
With a healthy population and determined outlook on life, the wild boar population of Texas is doing its part to control the greedy agricultural capitalists set on destroying Nature’s balance, exploiting poor consumers, and killing faultless farm animals.
“They are really just misunderstood animals. They’re nothing but beautiful—it’s entirely unfounded to not … to not love them,” said Raddi Cahl, a dedicated environmentalist, in the hospital after attempting to hug a member of a rambunctious Texas hog herd.
The hogs incur millions, almost billions of dollars of damage every year, a step forward considering that Texas is one of “those” states that abuses its animal population to prevent mere trivialities like starvation and poverty.
Infinitely majestic and sporting patchy hair, diseased skin, and excessive filth, the wild hog population, the experts agree, does not deserve to be driven out or harmed in any way just because it prevents selfish farmers and land-owners from utilizing their capitalist-geared property for money-making purposes. Lobbyists have already presented the case to Washington, and say that they are making progress.
“They aren’t a bit willing to preserve this environmental marvel, and they’ll take to shooting these poor darling creatures from helicopters before they’ll tolerate dead livestock, spoiled crops, ransacked fields, and ruined careers and livelihoods. Altogether selfish, short-sighted, and just not fitting,” said William Grey, an upstate New York resident who said he had a farmer in his family tree “at some point in the past fifteen generations.”
“I understand exactly how these farmers feel. I have farming in my blood, I mean, at least as close as just fifteen generations ago,” Grey added, “And this is wholly inappropriate and just … selfish and capitalist.”
Irrational Geographic has launched a new initiative to protect these incredible creatures: the Big Hogs Initiative. You can help defeat these selfish farmers and score a victory for these special hogs—all seven million of them—and all the while protect the environment. All you’ll have to do is pay us money: it’s that simple.