Spoofs

Democrats change position on minimum wage

Rachel Clark : November 12, 2014 6:15 pm : Rachel, Spoofs

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

Mark Udall (D-CO) got emotional when talking about his rejected application at Best Buy.

WASHINGTON – The Democrat Party is considering changing its policy on the minimum wage in light of last week’s election results. Sen. Kay Hagan (D-NC) explained it as a “part of our long-term plan to adapt and overcome.”

“People see the federal minimum wage as roadblock in their path to better jobs. It prevents low-skill workers like senators and teenagers from getting their foot in the door and getting a chance to do better,” said Rep. George Miller (D-CA), who will retire in January.

“We must show that we’re flexible, that we can get over our losses,” continued Hagan, “And part of this will be to accept the will of the American people.”

Hagan and her fellow lame-duck democrat senators are concerned that once they retire from office, high minimum wages could be a problem and that even at current rates, they won’t be able to work at their choice of fast food joints.

As low-skill workers with entry-level experience in private sector jobs, the Senate’s banished democrats are now facing difficult decisions: more lucrative jobs—at Starbucks and Cracker Barrel, for instance—are more than likely not available.

Sen. Mark Udall (D-CO) expressed earlier this week that he wants to work in higher-end retail, but nobody in the state is willing to pay minimum wage for him.

Sen. Hagan, in the closing remarks of an interview on Saturday, suggested that she may be in favor of complete abolishment of the federal minimum wage altogether and that she hopes there’s a 7/11 somewhere in North Carolina that will accept her application.

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Of Politicians and Hobbits (spoiler warning)

Rachel Clark : October 31, 2014 8:14 pm : Columns, Politics, Rachel, Spoofs

frodo23Frodo Baggins is a lot like a politician.

He inherits a problem—an evil ring of power—from his uncle, who’s become overly attached to it and doesn’t understand all the problems it can cause (just like the others who previously owned the ring).

Frodo’s given the task of destroying it.

 

Almost immediately Frodo is trailed by a completely succumbed previous ring-bearer. This creature, known as Gollum, has killed for possession of the ring before and would do it again.

 

Meanwhile, Frodo is fighting and vowing to not become like Gollum; yet it’s practically unavoidable. The enchantment is too strong.

ryan and frodo

 

The insane previous ring-bearer offers to “help” Frodo and his bodyguard, Sam. He’s going to walk them to Mordor for the sole purpose of destroying the ring. But not before carefully triggering some infighting, separating Frodo and Sam, and then leading dazed Frodo into a giant spider’s lair.

gollum and smeagol

 

At the crucial moment, as he’s about to cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom, he decides the ring is mine. It would have remained so, but the previous ring-bearer lunges forward and gruesomely steals it—and in the fray, falls into the fire.

it's mine, bros

 

After a little drama, Frodo and Sam walk home. Frodo is left with lasting scars, Sam returns to the Shire that he originally left with the sole purpose of protecting (along with Mr. Frodo, of course), and both of them are considered strange hobbits for the rest of their days.

quayle and bush

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Obama: “We don’t have a strategy yet”

Rachel Clark : September 10, 2014 9:22 pm : Politics, Spoofs

we don't have a strategy yet

President Obama wore a light tan suit for the second time in recorded history last wednesday.

WASHINGTON – After the onset of nuclear war, an epidemic of a lethal airborne respiratory virus that slowly transforms humans into rabid flying squirrels, and the beginning of the end of the world, President Obama said at a Wednesday press conference that he does not have a strategy.

“I don’t want to put the cart before the horse,” he said, “We don’t have a strategy yet.”

He went on to explain, “We need to make sure that we’ve got clear plans, that we’re developing them. At that point, I will consult with Congress and make sure that their voices are heard … but there’s no point in me asking for action on the part of Congress before I know exactly what it is that is going to be required for us to get the job done.”

The President later stated that he will decide when and how to take action in a couple of weeks (assuming the earth is still in existence) after he consults with top political donors and politically correct celebrities, and after several days of intense golfing.

“I can’t rush my decision,” he continued, “Whatever strategy I develop needs to be the right one, for the American people and the world.”

President Obama made no further remarks on the doomsday situation on planet earth nor on his second wearing of a light suit, noting that “it’s five o’ clock and the day is over.”

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Irrational Geographic: New Revelations about Ancient Egypt

Rebekah Hair : May 22, 2014 7:11 am : Irrational Geographic, Spoofs

pharaohs

Archaeologists in Cairo have made new discoveries that might change the face of history. According to Dr. Asyut Aswan, an archaeologist who led a team of researchers down to investigate ancient tombs of some merchants, they have discovered ancient references to Global Warming and Pollution.

Aswan released his findings at a press conference in Luxor. His people found ancient inscriptions in the tomb showing pictures of the sun and of the desert. According to his leading Egyptologists, there are hieroglyphics detailing that the desert was hot and the sun was bright.

“This must mean something important, because they wouldn’t write what everyone knows. Obviously, these inscriptions must mean that there was some sort of excessive heating epidemic in Egypt at this time. This discovery might prove that climate change is true, because of the intelligence of the ancients.”

However, Cici LeBlanc, an archaeologist intern that is currently on a dig in South America, wrote to us that she disagreed. “Often these tomb reliefs show scenes from everyday life. We see paintings of hunting and of farming, and we don’t think anything of it. Suddenly, Dr. Aswan finds a painting of the sun on the desert and assumes that it means something different.” Miss LeBlanc’s views are not widely held, however, as most leading scientists are on the side of Dr. Asyut.

Dr. Asyut sent out a press release Monday, in which he dismissed any doubts by Miss LeBlanc. “The Ancients were very brilliant. They built the pyramids without any power tools or modern cranes. We have every reason to believe that these reliefs depict climate change, because they were so advanced that they must have come to the same conclusions we have.” He also stated that Miss LeBlanc’s claims were unsubstantiated because “she simply hasn’t been in the field long enough to understand the true nature of Archaeology.”

If these tombs do indeed show climate change to be an issue, historians might finally be able to unlock the mysteries of ancient Egypt. According to History Weekly, there is a model being developed that fits climate change as one of the factors for the “plagues” attributed to the deity of the Hebrews in Exodus.

Dr. Aswan says that his purposes are purely scientific in searching out ancient mentions of climate change. “I only wish to show the world how the theory of Climate Change has been a founding factor in world history, and that those who speak against it don’t know what they are talking about.”

 

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Congressman Investigated After Bluegrass Gangs Scare Voters in KY

Rachel Clark : May 16, 2014 5:04 pm : Politics, Spoofs

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

Voter suppression has become a serious problem in states north of Kentucky.

FRANKFORT—A Kentucky Congressman is being investigated for criminally suppressing voter turnout at the polls in 2012, after allegedly hiring a group of banjo players to perform at every voting location in his district.

The banjo players were ordered “not to tune their banjos” and even to “deliberately sing through their noses” while performing, in a desperate bid to keep left-leaning voters away from the polls.

Voter intimidation through banjo gangs is nothing new, a tactic utilized particularly in Northern states—where it is not only most effective, but most brutal. Banjo performers are oftentimes ordered to bring amplifiers and even transportable stages.

“It’s a heinous crime to intimidate voters to the extent they can’t walk into the polling location,” said Bob Porter, “I tried to vote that day and they scared me away with the noise.”

The Congressman, a Republican with a conservative reputation, was correct in his assumption that the very blocs that would vote against him would be deterred by bluegrass-country tunes—particularly younger voters.

“I tried my best to walk in, but the constant banjo music … well, I can’t describe the effect it had on me. I couldn’t help but walk away,” said Leah Beryl, a classical musician with perfect pitch, “In the end, I didn’t get to vote for my candidate.”

The representative is likely to be faced with massive fines, but his strategy thus far has been to greet the media—interested in the case and seeking press conferences—with a prelude of Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Strangely, the controversial case has not received much coverage.

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