WASHINGTON – The President today announced his $900,895,000,100.00 summer trip to the moon.
The trip is slated to cost between nine hundred billion dollars and one trillion dollars. The purpose of the trip is to educate moon rocks on the American way, to advocate the First Lady’s anti-obesity program, and to improve outer space foreign relations. The President hopes to encourage immigration from the moon as well.
Protests throughout the nation influenced the White House to cancel the Mars visit, approximated to cost around two trillion additional dollars.
“Why not? I mean, it’s tax money. It’s not like we can ever pay back the national debt anyway. Who cares? You do? Well, you don’t count,” Jay Carney said in response to a frustrating question from a Southeast Texan journalist, “By the way, your drawl is annoying me. Shut up, get a different accent, or be audited. Case closed and begone!”
The moon journey is a national first. NASA officials have expressed their disapproval, noting that the President has many times cut and slashed their agency’s funds while giving away phones, food stamps, and video games to political allies.
In an accidentally leaked video of a top secret NASA briefing, a high-ranking official said, “The President is going to be out of this world. Do any of you have ideas on how to keep him there?” The official has now been fired and is currently in the bowels of an underground IRS torture chamber somewhere in Cincinnati.
Speaker of the House John Boehner will be President for the time that Biden and Obama are absent for their two-month long trip to the moon. He declined to comment.
The entirety of the U.S. Armed Forces will be accompanying the President in space. He said “it’s a dangerous place and I wouldn’t want to be without a few million helpers.” Also, chefs, chauffeurs, barbers, makeup artists, mechanics, translators, Klingon experts, Star Trek historians, and scientists will come along. All will be paid at the preferred $50.00 minimum wage.
The President will be leaving in twenty-two days. A national shortage of supplies is to be expected.
NASA reported that a few Senators will come along as well, making a more climate-friendly rocket propulsion system possible. The forty-eight rockets and shuttles that will be used to reach the destination will be powered by hot air.
After the trip, the President intends to speak at the Communist Party USA Convention, a week-long event expected to attract around 700,000 people from all over New York.
“The reign of terror, uh, has ended. Uh, a new world is on the horizon, um, and a new day dawns for America. In fact, it is just about dawn right now. I’m going back to bed.” the President said in a brief statement at the signing ceremony.
He added, “You will notice, um, that my dress is um, a little, um, unusual. I am wearing my pajamas, um, and um, well, it goes to show that I think this will so drastically alter our national outlook and reputation, uh, and our sense of national pride, that it is worth doing. No matter how I look, no matter what I’m wearing, no matter what time of day.”
At 10:00 AM the president returned. This time he was not wearing curlers. He answered a few key questions about the legislation, and “debunked” the conservative claims of foul play and unconstitutionality
“This legislation, um, uh… is perfectly Constitutional. Can anybody tell me, uh, anywhere in the Constitution of the United, uh, States, does it uh, mention a right to keep and bear forks?” the President said to White House press, amidst numerous cries that MSNBC reported as being “we wenth wahmendment.” The unorganized chant was apparently a “wing nut rallying cry,” Chris Hayes reported.
“I can’t understand what your saying. But if, uh, it’s what it, uh, sounds like, uh, we don’t, uh, even have that many amendments, uh, in our, uh, Constitution.” the President said. His embarrassing misinterpretation of the chant resulted in “chaos,” Rachel Maddow said.
All who had participated in the unruly cry were promptly escorted elsewhere and then audited by the IRS.
Rejoicing Asian immigrants lined the streets and flooded the Capitol.
Noi Rel Perr-sin, a second-generation Korean, stated, “This be too good for nation. Now we just like motherland. No freedoms, Dear Leader in just position. Now all that left is to make him Dear Leader for life.”
Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) responded to the rally and spoke to the enthralled crowd of over twenty thousand.
“Forward!” She yelled. The crowd yelled back excitedly, “Over the hill! Over the hill!”
After several such episodes, she began her amplified speech:
“This is a defining day for food rights. It will forever be remembered, it will forever be in our history books! No longer will diners across the nation be forced to use forks. This is the diner’s right to choose!” Feinstein passionately spoke, “Choice is good for a nation. The nation now has the choice to use chopsticks! Down with forks, oppressive and regressive! Choice, choice, choice!”
Meanwhile, conservative groups have all been audited.
“Thank goodness they have finally been stifled in time for us to fundamentally change America!” the IRS director said in a tweet early this morning.
The Republican Party has taken no sides. They hope to win over the Asian vote by refusing to actively oppose the bill. The party sent out an official statement this morning, consisting of seventeen verbose and utterly meaningless paragraphs promoting unity and diversity, which at the end they noted were complete opposites.
Fork control aims to take weapons of mass destruction out of the hands of irresponsible eaters. Borne through Congress on wings of a lame duck, the bill completely bans forks, including the plastic, glass, wood, ivory, or cloth variety. For those wishing to use a fork, the only options are to either move to Texas, which seceded this morning; become a federal law enforcement officer; join the military; or become a licensed, registered, and closely monitored fork owner with over 500 mandatory hours of federally approved training.
“It is so simple. Take the forks away, take all of the violent fork propaganda away. Take these murder-inspiring weapons of war away from our dinner tables, and the number of fork-related deaths will go down,” Senator Charles Schumer explained, “There are over seven billion fork-related deaths every year. Don’t believe the flapdoodle about their never having been that many people. Obviously because they’ve all been killed!”
With hopes of reducing obesity-related deaths, the legislation is set to take effect in a week. Currently there are extensive fork buy-back programs as well as programs to educate the populace on new fork laws.
“In the history of our nation, and in the history of all Western Civilization, there has never been a war waged without the help of a fork. 99% of murderers and incarcerated men and women have used a fork before. That proves my point.” Representative Sheila Jackson Lee said.
As for forks of the masses, they are now illegal. Assault forks in your home could now land you in prison – for life. Sporks, two-tined forks, and assault toothpicks and ice picks are also banned.
“Dude, I don’t care. Whatever. We still have spoons, we still have napkins.” Vice-President Joe Biden said regarding the legislation.
What does the nation think about it all?
The President said, “Uh, well, between one and three hundred sixty-five million United States Citizens approve and support this crucial fork legislation.”
WASHINGTON – President Obama declared, by way of executive order, the entire nation a “nuclear weapons-free zone” this morning.
It is undoubtedly a first in diplomatic relations and foreign policy.
“America, this is a new day for you…Today is the day that the rise of the oceans will begin to slow, that the planet will begin to heal. I always said yes, we can. Now it is done. I’m…proud to say that our nation will no longer cower and shake in the shadow of Russia, or Iran, or Korea. A generation from now, grandparents and great-grandparents will have to explain what it was like before I affixed my name to this paper, before ‘we the people’ rose up and did something that I know has ended this half-century-old arms race. It was an uphill battle to get my signature on that paper…but the protection we now have was worth the effort, it is worth more than anything on which I can put a price – for people on this continent, even for people in Russia or Korea.” the President declared Saturday afternoon.
Included in the plan are provisions to rid the U.S. of its nuclear weapons within the month. For years, Commanders-in-Chief have sought to reduce nuclear armament of enemies, prevent rogue nations from acquiring them at all, and to shrink the U.S. stockpile of warheads and weapons. The nuclear issue was at the top of the list for years. A prime topic in elections, “nuke” problems amassed millions of hours of coverage on television, radio, in movies, and even in books. Dystopian novels of all descriptions envisioned how the world would be after a nuclear war.
The president and many of his colleagues have agreed that “the era of nuclear-based dystopian literature is over.”
Rachel Maddow, famed media giant, exclaimed, “This…is at such a level that nobody else in power has ever had the amount of brains and sheer intellect to enact it. Nobody else has ever had the amount of brains it takes to enact this legislation. His vision is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, nothing that I could have even thought of. But somehow, it all makes sense.”
Many members of the Senate and House agree. In fact, Senators Harry Reid, Dianne Feinstein, Frank Lautenberg, and Dick Durbin were “ecstatic,” their spokesmen reported.
“His plan is so remarkably simple! It is the best thing that our nation has ever done concerning nuclear weapons, whether foreign or our own,” Feinstein tearfully explained, “It is a milestone for our nation similar to, but much larger than, the step that rid our schools of firearms forever… It goes with everything I believe in. It is the path that will finally fundamentally transform our nation. We will have peace forevermore! I hope…”
A number of House Democrats are riled that the White House did this without their approval or knowledge. However, they say that the executive order in itself is a brilliant idea that should have come to the table years ago.
Republicans generally agree that the most important issue now at hand is winning over the Latino vote for the 2014 elections, and all of the GOP leaders declined to make a statement until polls from minority groups were conducted.
The new law, in a nutshell, has formally made it illegal for other countries to bring nuclear weapons into the country or blow us up. Doing so could mean life in prison, and for sure a misdemeanor. A felony is in order if you completely destroy over one-half of the country.
“Punishments should be harsh. Nobody will try anything, not even once, if they see what will happen to them,” a legislative analyst at a well-known Washington think tank said.
“Nuclear-free zone” signs will be posted at imaginary border checkpoints throughout the country and in other notable places, to remind people foreign and otherwise that nuclear weapons are strictly prohibited.
Local police officers and other regional authorities as well as federal agents are responsible for making sure that the general population has no hidden nuclear warheads or rockets.
Finally, the president has made some remarks that indicate he will soon be looking into creating a “germ-free zone.”
His closing remarks at today’s press conference: “Um – that’s all folks?”