WASHINGTON — Edward Snowden released a final bombshell revelation that proves what many American children had begun to suspect this holiday season: the National Security Agency has taken over Santa’s annual Christmas operation.
The takeover was approved in January of 2013, scheduled for a spring transition. Mr. Claus apparently protested, evidenced by emails between officials.
A website to submit letters to Santa failed miserably, due to the fact that most of the world’s 2.2 billion children do not have internet access and do not speak English. The dysfunctional website, costing millions of dollars, has yet to function correctly. The deadline for letters to Santa, meanwhile, is fast approaching and has been denied an extension.
Additionally, the previous North Pole address for Santa was changed to an unknown location in WashingtonD.C., apparently for surveillance purposes.
“It’s December 16th and Santa still hasn’t got my letter,” one seven-year old lamented, “Because Mom can’t find the address and when we sent it to the old one, all we got was a form letter from the President telling us that it changed.”
Snowden’s exposé also revealed illegal targeting of children with conservative parents in the gift application process, unfairly putting them on the “Naughty” list rather than the “Nice” list, despite their behavior.
President Obama explains that he heard about the NSA takeover in the news.
“I haven’t heard anything about this,” he said, “I sent my letter to the North Pole, and as far as I know, it arrived. I have not heard anything at all, except what I read in the newspaper, just like you did.”
Billions of dollars have been spent on the unsuccessful NSA operation, despite the fact that the charitable and extremely successful initiative previously owned by Mr. Claus functioned on a shoestring budget.
The time-warp capabilities that Mr. Claus utilized to deliver to houses around the globe — at precisely midnight — was ditched altogether, and likewise the “old-fashioned” chimney entrance. Fighter jets and the postal service will in theory deliver the gifts, despite the vows of hostile governments to shoot the airplanes down. Experts and technocrats have deemed the United States Postal Service (USPS) incapable of the worldwide challenge.
Seven lawsuits challenging the takeover are already pending, and liberal and conservative policy analysts have declared the move unconstitutional.
“It’s too late to change anything this year. Only 2% of the gifts have been completed, and the NSA still isn’t sure if it can deliver the presents.” said one organization’s President, “And the worst part is that the United States has made the absolute most horrible diplomatic move it has ever made. Children around the world now hate us for what the NSA did.”
Despite the fact that USPS is not up to delivering millions of gifts, the privately owned United Parcel Service has taken up the offer and has already developed a basic time-warp strategy.