Of Trolls and Belligerence: A Truthful Satire

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

The instrument of trolls. (Well, yeah, and other people too.)

If you’ve ever mustered the courage to venture into the “comments” section of a YouTube video, you surely know how truly treacherous it can be.

If you haven’t…well…I advise against it.  You see, the perusing of particularly putrid postings has many discomforting and somewhat horrifying side effects, including but not limited to: nausea, vomiting, depression, decreased brain cells, increased hemorrhoidal activity, and the complete loss of hope for humanity.

Though I’ve never quite set keyboard into this magical place of profanity and logical fallacies, I have observed, studied, and documented many of the creatures that inhabit it.

The documentation of a few of these creatures and their behavior is as follows and may be used as a guideline for combating those that dare conflict you.

The Troll.  I start with the troll as it is, sadly, the most common of all beasts.  It secretes sarcasm as a fish secretes slime.  It writhes in it.  It feeds on the attention it receives from its most likely uber-controversial comment.  Remember, when (not if) you stumble upon a troll, you must resist the immediate urge to unleash your wrath upon it.  Don’t feed the trolls.

The Grammar Nazi.  The Grammar Nazi lurks in only the darkest corners of the comments section, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting victims that have sealed their own fates by making simple grammatical and spelling errors.  I believe these to be a subspecies of trolls as they have similar preying tactics and feeding habits.  Most of these mongrels see themselves as if they were on a grammatical jihad to purge the world of those that butcher the English language.  Should one ever cross your path, the safest defense is to ignore it. However, if you can lure it into its own trap (which shouldn’t be entirely difficult as most are millennials that don’t know a preposition from a fuzzy lump of dog crud) this will catch it quite off guard.

The Anti-Patriot. These good-fer-nuthin’ varmints, as I affectionately call them, will tell you anything and everything that’s wrong with America (whether you asked for it or not).  No matter what the original content pertained to, these freedom-hating vermin will distort it to fit their ideology. I once spotted one trying to say that the entire state of Georgia was inhabited by overweight people.  This was because “Macon” (a town in Georgia) sounds a great deal like “bacon” and it figured that was a good enough case.  I promptly choked on my cheerios.  The best defense is just to throw out a few facts, it’ll often leave without another word.

The Potty-Mouth.  This is a particularly hostile animal who’s personality quite resembles a dimwitted mule.  You see, it rarely has a real (much less valid) argument, rather, it just flaunts its ability to make a lumberjack blush.  It uses excessive profanity and insults as an attempt get its otherwise dull or baseless point across.  Despite all of this, its kind consists almost entirely of boys between the ages of nine and thirteen, rendering them mostly harmless.  The easiest way to rid them of your presence, should you wish not to have an incredibly foul comment thread, is simply to block them.  They’re just not worth your time.

These were just four of the more common blood-boiling ignoramuses that reveal their stupidity whilst chattering about on a keyboard.  And this just barely scratches the surface of internet ignorance.

About Joshua Swearingen

Author, Warrior, World Traveler, Hunter, Archer, Outdoorsman, Jedi master, Weapons Enthusiast, and the future President of Texas.
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