I want to protect my family like you do, but do I really have to kill the lizards? I just hate killing things. Especially the cute little green lizards. They seem so harmless. And my human servants don’t seem to mind having them outside. –Pacifist in Pasadena
Dear Pacifist in Pasadena,
I’m not a pacifist, but perhaps I can help you in your decision. As the manly hunk of muscle that I am, I find it neither difficult nor emotionally challenging to slaughter reptiles—even the cute little green lizards.
But for those who aren’t as courageous as I am, I offer some advice:
- Realize that western civilization could collapse if lizards are victorious in this constant struggle for power. The end of western civilization doesn’t sound too bad at first, until you think about the consequences: for instance, Purina would go out of business.
- Remember that it’s your duty to kill lizards. The fate of humankind is in your hands—er, paws. But that’s aside from the point. (You’re probably wondering why humankind even matters. Mainly because they feed us for free, are really gullible world domination assistants, and on top of all that will sometimes scratch behind our ears.)
- If you’re so cowardly that you can’t finish the lizards off with only claws and jaws, purchase an air-soft gun to take out the creatures. Much less difficult, but just not any fun either.
- Try and realize that the apparently harmless and cute lizard staring so trustingly at you is really a wolf in reptile’s clothing. It’s out to kill. It’s more destructive than a dachshund, tinkle ball toy, water gun, angry human with a pea shooter, and a vacuum cleaner combined. I hope that helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.
Only you can prevent lizards from taking over the world. Do your part—catch one today.
I love me too,
HodgkinsSupreme Emperor of the Universe; Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Hunting Warrior Service; Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize; Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic); Expert Tree-Conqueror; And Your Humble Master