President: “Candy Land is American”

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

Chess, a traditional game of logic, has been deemed a detriment by the President.

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has deemed a centuries-old game, chess, discriminatory and obsolete. His speech on Monday came in response to a Worldwide Chess Tournament held two weeks ago.


“I think that chess is discriminatory in more than one way. For instance: this idea of male dominance, the idea that the ‘king’, and not the president (which is a non-gender-specific term), is the most important is foolishness. If chess authorities won’t change this game, I’ll find a way.” the President said.


“This game purposefully leaves out toddlers and colorblind people,” President Obama added, “And that’s injustice. This is a hate crime.”


The President’s latest legislation has revealed his dislike of the game, and would make a negative view of the traditional game of logic the official opinion of the United States federal government.


“I don’t like this game because it gives schemers an advantage.” the President continued.

“We should be careful which attributes we reward, which is why Americans should not be playing this game for scheming logicians and male supremacists. Games like Candy Land and Snakes and Ladders reflect our national character.”


“Candy Land is just a beautiful game. Everybody’s equal and everybody can win, if we play the game right.” the President concluded.

About Rachel Clark

Rachel hoards office supplies, has 12.5 hours of Bach on her iPod, and occasionally forgets her own name. Other than that she's a normal person who likes to write.
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One Comment

  1. You’ll probably have to rule out Checkers too, sir. It had kings, and the pieces might be confusing to toddlers and colorblind people.

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