Santa Sméagol: A play

 

Setting: Gollum and Frodo are wrapping Christmas gifts. Frodo apparently asked Gollum for help with his huge load of presents, and Gollum is obliging with the hopes of achieving something.

Frodo walks in and speaks to Gollum, who is wrapping presents. Gollum was originally muttering to himself and looking sour, but when Frodo walks in, he changes his expression and becomes flattering and “helpful”.

Frodo: Thank you for your help, Sméagol. These gifts were really piling up. They’ve become quite a burden to me. (Sighs and looks dramatically towards audience)

Gollum: Helpful Sméagol always helps master. Sméagol does his best.

Frodo: Well, I appreciate it, I really do. (Looks down at the pile of badly-wrapped gifts, hesitates) They’re a little messy.

Gollum(whining): Nice Sméagol does his best, he does! Always helps master! Can’t help it that gifts are tricksy.

Sam(suddenly appearing through a door): Look at this! What a mess. You’re making me sick. Let me see that! (Grabbing gifts, he proceeds to neatly wrap them) Now that’s the only way to wrap a brace of coneys.

Frodo(alarmed): What? Whose present was that?

Sam(glancing at the package): I’m not really sure. There’s no label on the gift.

Frodo: Oh dear. I must have misplaced the sticky labels. Sméagol, have you seen them?

Gollum(still whining): Sméagol does his best to help master! Sméagol would never take master’s precious.

Sam: (under his breath) Gollum probably ate them, he did. (Louder) I’ll go look for them, Mr. Frodo! (Exits)

Gollum: (Waits a minute to make sure Sam is really gone, then looks at Frodo with a crafty smile.) Nice Sméagol wraps gifts for master, but does not know how to label them without sticky labels, does he precious? Wherever could they be? (Cuts his eyes back and forth, moves in closer) It was him! The Fat Hobbit! He wants them for himself! It will soon have him!

Frodo: What are you talking about? (alarmed again)

Gollum: the precioussssss, love, the preciousssss. He wants it for himself. He’s taken those nice sticky labels all himself, and we shall never see them again. He is jealous of poor Sméagol.

Sam: (calling from the other room) Mr. Frodo! I found the sticky labels! You left them in the closet shelves!

Gollum: (exchanging glances with Frodo) Oopssess.

Sam:(Runs in and hands them to him) Here you are. And it looks like those coneys were for Mr. Gimli, if I’m not mistaken.

Frodo: Ah, Gimli. I’d forgotten. He does like red meat, if I remember correctly.

Sam: Yes, I believe so. (Sam stops and stares at Gollum) Why, Gollum, you’re not using a tape dispenser. You’re going to make everything all messy. Don’t you have one? (fetches a tape holder for Sméagol) There. You couldn’t do better than that.

Gollum: Yes I could! (snatches tape away) Spoils the nice tape. Sméagol likes it raw and sticky, good for wrapping presents in, and you can keeps the nasssty dispenser.

Sam: You’re hopeless. (Exits again)

Frodo: I have to run some errands now, Sméagol. Can you finish up here and put the presents under the tree?

Gollum: Oh yes, oh yes. Go along, hobbitses. Sméagol will watch over things for you. (Frodo exits. Sméagol continues to wrap presents in his own messy way, but now he talks to himself.) It isn’t fair, precious. They goes out to buy presents and don’t let us at all! And all these precious gifts, all going to elveses and orcses, when we wraps them! It isn’t fair!

(Evil Gollum suddenly enters and speaks to Gollum, dialogue)

Evil Gollum: No, it isn’t, love. They doesn’t appreciate us. They only look out for themselves.

Gollum (whining): But Master promised that he would get us a gift this year….

Evil Gollum: Master doesn’t keep his promises. Wicked! Tricksey! False! We must look after ourselves. We should takes it.

Gollum: No! Yess…? But no! They isn’t our preciouses. They are others giftses.

Evil Gollum: But no one is around, precious. They will never know. We takes it for ourselves.

Gollum: But the Fat Hobbit! He sees everything!

Evil Gollum: Then we do it now while Fat Hobbit is gone. Take the precious and let us be gone. Master doesn’t like you.

Gollum (suddenly picking up courage) No! Go away, and NEVER come back! (Hits him with the present. Evil Gollum flees) He’s gone! Yes! Freeeeeee! (He takes gifts to tree. Scene end.)

(Later, outside Christmast party. Gollum is outside of the festivities, feeling very sad. Sam walks up to him.

Sam: What are you doing, sneaking around out here?

Gollum: Sneaking! After all Sméagol does for you, and you accuse us of sneaking! Sneaking, indeed.

Sam: Well, it doesn’t much matter. I’ve brought you something. (holds out gift)

Gollum: Doesn’t trust it. Doesn’t like it. (Takes it cautiously and opens it.)

Sam: Well, Merry Christmas anyway, Gollum. (Stalks off)

Gollum: (Discovering something inside that he likes) My precious….you brought me my precioussss! Merry Christmas to you too, fat hobbit! And to everyones!

Based on actual events.

About Rebekah Hair

Rebekah Hair is currently a homeschooled student and enjoys cartooning, spending time with her cats, and programming on her computer. She loves to draw and write.
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2 Comments

  1. I honestly can’t stop laughing. This was fantastic!

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