Server Sméagol: A Spoof

Setting: Gollum, after losing “his” ring, is homeless and out of a job. Out of pity, a Rider of Rohan hires him to work in his restaurant. However, working is not something Gollum is used to.

 

Helm: All right….Gollum? Is that your name?

Gollum: Yes, precious, poor Sméagol is called Gollum now.

Helm: Well, then, Gollum, your jobs will be simple. You’ll wash dishes, take food to the tables, and help clean up the restaurant. People will order at the counter, so you won’t need to take their orders, but you will need to make sure you give the right food to the right people. Is that clear?

Gollum: Very clear, precious. Poor Sméagol does his best.

Helm: Good. First you can help wash dishes in the back here. (Shows Gollum a large sink)

Gollum: What a lot of water. Are there fishes in here, precious?

Helm: No. Just a lot of dishes. And be careful! (begins to walk off)

Gollum: (Looking around) Augh! What’s it doing, precious? He ruins it!

Helm: (rushes over) What is it?

Gollum: He cooks it! He ruins the nice fish! Make him stop!

Helm: (shaking his head) Gollum, you need to calm down. This isn’t a sushi joint. We cook our food. Now maybe this is bothering you. Would you like to do a job where you don’t have to watch them cook?

Gollum: Yes, precious, Sméagol would be so appreciative. (to himself) Might not want to stay this job. Sounds sticky.

Helm: All right. Take this fish and this salad to the couple over there. (hands Sméagol two huge plates)

Gollum: Issss not right precious! (staggering under the heavy plates) They spoils the nice fish. Give it to me now, raw, wriggling….(sets the plates down on the table heavily) and keep the nassty lettuces!

The couple at the table are Eowyn and Faramir.

Faramir: What’s this? (Stares at Gollum) Haven’t we met before?

Gollum: What? This one again, precious? How!? (He ducks under the table.)

Eowyn: Peace, Faramir. He has as much right to work as anyone.

Faramir: No treachery, now.

Gollum: No…no not at all. (slinks away very quickly and goes to see Helm) You didn’t tells us that HE was here!

Helm: Sorry, Gollum. This is a popular restaurant. Speaking of which…(In comes a huge group of orcs) here’s the football team now! How was the game?

Lead orc: Oh! Ha, it was a killing! (all orcs rattle their weapons and cheer) We want something to eat! It seems like we haven’t had anything but maggoty bread in three days!

Helm: Now, now, you were here yesterday. Gollum, get some tables ready for these gentlemen.

Gollum: GENTLEMEN? They’re ORCSES!!!

Helm: Now, don’t be prejudiced. Go on.

Gollum: We goes, we goes. (Grumbling to himself) Helpsing orcses and elvses, no food for poor Sméagol! But must be kind to master. He gives us moneys to buy foodses and hotel roomses. (Does as he’s told)

Helm: Thank you, Gollum, you’re doing a great job so far. But we’re not done yet. Please take these baked potatoes to that table over there.

Gollum: But there’s too much, precious! There’s more taters here than in fat hobbit’s stew, precious! We must think this through, love! He gives us too much! These are….nine taters, precious!

Helm: You know, I could hire a dwarf…

Gollum: Coming, coming! Poor Sméagol does his best, even though he’s tired and hungry! We takes the nassty taters. (Strains to pick up all the trays) Nassty….HEAVY taters! (Gollum staggers over to the table and almost drops all the plates) There! Here’s your nassty taters, good riddance, I says! Takes them! Takes them all! (Looks up)

(The occupants of the table are a family of hobbits. Sméagol’s mouth drops open.)

Sam: Gollum?

Gollum: Fat hobbitses? A whole family of fat hobbitses! Augh!!!!!! (Runs to Helm) I can’t do this, precious! Is too hard!

Helm: (losing his patience) If you can’t work with the others, I can’t have you work here.

Gollum: Fine! We leave. And we’ll never come back! (goes off in a huff) Best decision we’ve made, precious. Can’t work there any more. It’s too much, precious. Too much. We work somewhere else.

 

About Rebekah Hair

Rebekah Hair is currently a homeschooled student and enjoys cartooning, spending time with her cats, and programming on her computer. She loves to draw and write.
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