My Dear Hodgkins,
I take exception to your claim to be Supreme Emperor of the Universe. I have seen nothing from you that vould entitle you to make such a claim. You are hereby notified that I intend to discredit you, take over your empire, and destroy you.
In the meantime, I vould like to ask you something: vhat do you use for ear mites? Have a nice day.
-Siegfried in Silsbee, Supreme Emperor of the Universe, Chief of Kats Are Obviously Superior (K.A.O.S.)
Siegfried in Silsbee,
Your claim is detestably false, Chief of K.A.O.S. Your organization—I must point this out to the readers—is the international organization of evil.
Well, I’ve got news for you, “Supreme Emperor.” I’m the Supreme Emperor. Your government is wholly illegitimate, unofficial, and on top of that, doesn’t actually exist. My claim to the universe has a firm footing in reason: I declared myself Emperor before you did.
I should mention that I have my own secret organization: CONTROL. Alrighty, let’s talk about the odds:
- I don’t have a cool acronym like you do …
- But I have more firepower. I’ve got vicious wild lizards that can kill you before you can say “honorificabilitudinitatibus hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” Actually, you’re so dumb that you could never say it anyway.
- I have Facebook followers.
- I have guard humans.
Must I also unleash my secret weapons? Perhaps I should unleash a plague of lizards on Silsbee?
You would be foolish to continue in your contrived plot to conquer my universe, you vermin-infested rogue.
I love me too,
Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
And Your Humble Master.
P.S. For ear mites, I recommend visiting a trained human. Generally, human slaves called “veterinarians” are only too glad to take care of stuff like that.