My Dear Hodgkins,
It has been about a year since I last contacted you in writing. My spies have been monitoring your progress from right in your own back yard! It would seem that you have been defeated. Your claims to be the Supreme Emperor of the Universe must have been scaled back significantly. In the past twelve months, the extent of your empire’s borders have yet to reach the northern shores of the mighty Village Creek. I spit a hairball in your general direction. I am willing to discuss your unconditional surrender to me…
-Siegfried in Silsbee, Supreme Emperor of the Universe, Chief of Kats Are Obviously Superior (K.A.O.S.)
You are fortunate to receive this recognition from me: Supreme Emperors rarely bother replying to spam emails, used television salesmen, or insurrectionist furballs like yourself. Before I begin in earnest, I have a few suggestions to make, the first one being that you ought to learn how to spell “cat” if you truly believe the species is superior. My second recommendation is that you cease your partnership with lizards and canines. You deserve all the dreadful things coming to you as a result of this unholy alliance, including fiery death by lizard breath and suffocation from the canine equivalent.
Your letter’s fantastical allegations are amusing. You claim that your spies have been monitoring my progress from my own backyard, my empire’s borders are shrinking, and that I have nothing left but to admit imminent defeat.
Your first mistake was in sending a canine as a spy: they will do anything for food. I intercepted communications long ago by fooling them into thinking that litterbox lumps were special treats. Needless to say, all of your enticing reports are entirely false.
You second mistake is in your understanding of borders. It may have escaped your notice, but the universe doesn’t have them. Unlike your mind, the universe has no meaningful limits.
Your third, but not final, mistake is spitting a hairball in my general direction. Sadly enough, one of your canine spies has eaten it.
I am pleased to announce that I will discuss unconditional surrender with you. Before you get too terribly excited, realize that you will be the one surrendering—not I. Additionally, now that you are out of a job, I realize you need a new one. If you so desire, send me an application and there is a possibility you can become one of my minions. Clearly I am much too kind.
I love me too,
Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
And Your Humble Master.