Squirrels Penalized for Eating Out of Bird Feeder

WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan measure the Senate and House both approved Monday, a nationwide problem of immense proportions was at last addressed. The move came after nearly two decades of lobbying and protests by organizations such as American Songbird Civil Liberties Union and Organization Against Tree Rats.


The legislation permanently bars squirrels from eating out of bird-designated feeders, and if homeowners and the caretakers of bird feeders wish to share their bounty with squirrels, the small mammals also known as “tree rats” will be required to submit a permit — signed by two witnesses and the owner of the feeder — or either make use of a separate squirrel feeder.


“It is an effort against careless thievery,” said Congressman Burr Feeder, “For years, Americans have had to deal with this issue themselves and we want to end this era of law enforcement deficiency.”


Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law -- thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Tree rats such as this one will no longer escape United States law — thus prompting official action rather than the harsh individual reactions so common under current policies.

Congressman Stewie Quirl, who voted against the comprehensive legislation, added, “It’s just peanuts. This is up to the states, and in my opinion, up to counties and towns, and it seems very discrimnatory against squirrels. Especially since there is no equivalent law for birds.”


PETA and other animal rights organizations also supported the soon-to-be law of the land in the wake of squirrel launchers and “excessive violence” resulting in millions of squirrel deaths annually.


“Shotguns, B-B guns, slingshots, cats, dogs, and knives … it is not right for these cute flea-bitten little critters to die,” said a senior PETA official, “Just because they’re somewhere where they aren’t supposed to be.”


President Obama has indicated that he supports the legislation, but most political pundits suggest that the legislation will be ineffective.


“I think we’ve already forgotten that squirrels can’t read or write,” said one legislative analyst, “But then again, that’s just because our segregated society won’t allow them in school. This is apparently only the first step of many in our governmental walk to a society of equality.”


The legislation’s main objective is to punish petty thievery by squirrels who continually swipe seeds and nuts from bird feeders around the nation.


“This is America,” said one ASCLU lobbyist, “We represent songbirds, but we also realize that squirrels need due process of law before they are killed by some crazy kid with a B-B gun, and they also need to have permits.”


Opponents are concerned that the costs of trials for squirrels will be excessive.


“Nevertheless, this legislation is revolutionary and I whole-heartedly support it,” said President Obama, “And by next week, you will no longer be bothered by squirrels eating out of your bird feeders.”

About Rachel Clark

Rachel hoards office supplies, has 12.5 hours of Bach on her iPod, and occasionally forgets her own name. Other than that she's a normal person who likes to write.
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One Comment

  1. Mom of the Dear Leader

    I am so glad this situation is finally being addressed. It is long overdue. Last week, I was driving home when a squirrel eating from a bird feeder was accosted by a home owner wielding what should be an illegal assault BB gun since it holds FAR MORE than 5 BBs. The squirrel ran for its poor life, right out of the line of fire, zigzag through the yard, and right into the street where it was struck dead by the pickup in front of me. I saw the whole thing. I am still having flashbacks. I can’t sleep because I just keep seeing the squirrel being steam rolled by those huge 4-wheel drive off tires. It may takes days of chocolate therapy and funny movies to get me past this, and the squirrel, the poor dead because it was hungry squirrel….sniff sniff….I’m so glad someone has considered the safety of these poor desperate creatures who are dying just because they are trying to live. This legislation is going to be good for us all.

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