WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama has at last found the source of all America’s problems. As the former Illinois senator suspected, the nation’s mishaps and failings have absolutely nothing to do with his administration.
“There are evil people in this world, and there are despicable characters in politics. Constantly they are working for the detriment of the nation, and most of the time, I, just like you, discover these deeds in the newspaper or on television,” the President said in a speech.
“While obstructionists and wing-nuts are working to score political points, I’m working for the betterment of the United States. End of story. I am in no way responsible for what has happened in the past year,” President Obama continued.
He explained that every political and economic failing of the United States for the past three years has been the explicitly intentional doing of a black and tan Labrador pup named Rufus.
“It looks cute. But it scores plenty of political points,” said the President, “In no way can we accept it. We must realize that this monster is threatening our national identity thanks to its senseless actions that resulted in the fiscal cliff, sequester, and government shutdown.”
“And after all that, the dog ate my budget.” the President lamented.
The President mentioned that this “Lab’s failed experiment” is also responsible for the September 11, 2012 attacks on the American Embassy in Benghazi, the failings of Healthcare.gov, all mass shooting from 2011-2013, high youth unemployment rates, a sluggish economy, and national debts just north of $17 trillion.
President Obama concluded, “Every morning I read the newspaper, and every morning I see problems that are none of my doing. After a thorough investigation, we know that the creature responsible is a howling political hound who works for the GOP.”