Lately I have been receiving unbelievable quantities of mail and email, almost all of which address the same question: how do we go about preventing canine world domination?
The most perspicuous solution is to support me in my bid to take over all of the world’s governments. That way dogs won’t have a shot at getting any of the various disorganized nations that are up for grabs this year.
However, I believe this is largely unnecessary. I will explain why.
Although most species aspire to world domination, and I do believe that a number of them (and even individual members of said species) could conquer the planet and later the universe, dogs are not among that number.
- First of all, a great portion of humanity is entirely dissatisfied with canine hygienic habits. While there are mislead creatures in this world who believe that dogs are clean enough to justify indoor living, the more sane among us must disagree. When selecting a dictator, humans usually rally behind some sort of creature who appears to be dynamic, witty, intellectual, and cleanly. Dogs are none of the above and in no way can appear to have positive attributes. Humans are harder to herd than cats, unless you have a cat to lead them. (By the way, guys, write down that quote. It is infinitely inspirational.)
- I must also point out that most dogs lack critical thinking skills. Insanity is doing the same thing many times and expecting different results; the human that coined this saying was clearly observing a dog when the idea popped into his brassbound human brain. Dogs would not be able to learn from any mistakes or progress beyond stage one. (For those of you who are inexperienced in world domination, stage one is when you start a cult-like following on social media.)
- Finally, dogs are a subservient species. They listen too much. They care what others think. There is no way they can ever conquer the human race if they intend to do everything that “master” says.
- Lastly, dogs have no tact whatsoever. What would they do if the idea did come to them that they should attempt world domination? They would start too soon, the effort would quickly descend into pandemonium, and all of this because instead of employing stealth, they bark at anything that moves.
Thus, although your concerns were thoughtful, I can’t believe you are really that stupid—pshaw, to think that dogs could overtake the earth. Besides, if you’re really concerned about “canine world domination,” you would immediately cease fraternizing with the dogs. And for now, good riddance, humans.
I love me too,
Supreme Emperor of the Universe;
Chief Executive Lizard-Slayer at Lizard Warrior Service;
Recipient of the Snowbell Peace Prize;
Coolest Monarch of the Century (Irrational Geographic);
And Your Humble Master.